IAmFCA

My hotel room apparently doesn't have a working thermostat. I checked in too late to notice. Luxury digs in a warm weather waterfront location. Its unseasonably cold. Even my fingers are cold.

Great song.

Buddy Miles with Jimi Hendrix in Band of Gypsys playing Them Changes Live at the Fillmore East. The Album is Band of Gypsies, Live etc. I can not find the exact track on YouTube or anywhere except Pandora. Buy the dang album. If guitar driven electric blues rock is your thing, or could be your thing, it will set your keyboard on fire. And Buddy Miles plays drums while giving vocals. This static-y clip does not do it justice.

I am just here to rant. I am tired of collecting exes, of creating exes, of seeing the world as a collection of exes and undesirables. AHA that's it, little tired one. Well, okay, so that's my issue... but for now... dead ex, thank you thank you thank you. String of randoms thereafter, wth was that all about. One random who stuck, who knew? thank you again. There was a day when I thought the trashy and tawdry thought: my game should win in this battle, and i thought i lost. i won though. i am not saddled with you, yet i am gifted with you. the love i have offered, funny. you are the one who has made good use of it. mwfn, you are learning to love too, and that is becoming useful. and stupid new guy? you're just squirrelly and getting on my nerves. actual new guy, youre not ready. So you know what, its a basket full of exes. Just a big ole bag of exes. Rant. Time for me to look forward to the gifts of the new year.

Peanuts Kids liked it. I was sleepy.

Children have infectious, loving laughter. TWIST

Cars rush under suspended highways. SMOKE

Programmers have overestimated navigation errors. COOKS

Watch "Tracy Bonham - Mother Mother" on YouTube

Maybe we don't know that we are contagious. Its a nice thought, anyway.

I am passionate on this point as well and my children reflect my efforts, like yours. I know I can't take credit. I also know there are many times when my choices were impactful. Had I followed the crowd, they would have been diminished. Nothing makes me happier than to see them feel their fullness. Nothing. I am grateful for you, because I too know the value of your gift. ... And the many influences that encourage you not to give it as fully as you have.

A person's package laid empty. HEART

Good job, mom. You've been brave with your faith in him, starting as soon as he got here. I respect that a great deal.

Hashish and smokeless tobacco: yuck! (No clue how my mind works sometimes.) SPINS

Here by surprise and found my note to B. Wow. So, a year+ later - I am able to chat with your friends, B. I am finding joy inside. My Now is nothing like my Then. How how how did you see where I was going, so far in advance of when I could see it? Honestly, you loved me in a way few ever have, and I didn't love you that same way. I am forever grateful for your gifts.

The Martian

Dear [pick one] I'm awesome. You know it. I'm not sure about the last one, but whatever. I figured something out just now. I used you. I used you to tell me I'm awesome. It was more important than actually dating you. That whole, daddy issues bit. So you know, thanks for doing your job. I'm learning, learning learning that I'm awesome. Will I ever think so? Maybe? In the meantime, it is good you left, if you have. I never would have married you anyhow, and I would have expected you to continue to fulfill your role. As some of you do. So, you know, thanks.

Whatever respect IMSUPERMAN had for me is now all gone. Oh well, I can't kick this joint, maybe its the Skrillex & Diplo influence. I am not sure that helps.

I could use you for sex right now, but I'm not. And.yes, this goes for.you too. And no, sex doesnt.just mean that one thing, and no, we don't do that thing, but yes, we have made use of.each other before but no longer. And yes, this goes to you too. Bwahahahahah I am glad with myself. You, the one of you, are a hot mess. The other one of you... just hot, not a mess, and not on my calendar anymore. Oh well for you.

Hi Mom. His mom's spot is near your spot. Mom, what is this about? I'm sticking with the current. To what end I have no idea. We love the old one, Mom, but I've no reason to be saddled with that. I deserve better. I deserve joy and abundance, the sort that exists whether i have it or not. I don't know how the current experiences joy. He is not easy to make fall.

Mom, dear sweet Mom, Moms, Momsy, Mopey, Mumpy, Mom 10 years. Ten years. How could it be? I feel ready to, to open up a bit. I had more pain this year and it was like an exorcism. You have been hurting for me, Mom, and you have been holding my children's hearts among clouds and rainbows; there is no other explanation for their utter happiness. I love you, Mom. The gifts you have given us and continue to give us multiply even more than you hoped they would. Please feel glad for me. I know no other way to learn than by driving into walls, reversing, hitting the wall at a new angle until finally I get past it. Don't hurt for me. Let your heart swell with joy for I have learned much, every lesson drawing me nearer to your example. The pain I have felt has been my teacher, the events the gifts that allowed me to reach for new heights befitting of your guidance. Don't feel pain for me, Mom. But you will, I know, because you see the inside that still hurts. Dad will hurt, Mom, I'm not ready. With you, I just wanted you to be comfortable and we weren't home for you anymore. I am glad your mom is with you, giving you decades of hugs you both missed previously. Mom, I have a growing list of people I can feel are under your care. Mr Wow, thank you Mom. He needs you, his own Mom, of course. You know of unconditional love in a way his parents didn't, and the peace of you is what he seeks. He feels it within me, he knows your value. He knows what many people don't, the value of the intangible. Thank you, Mom. He needs you and I can feel your eye over him as he directs himself through recovery. My friend from that other spot, I don't know. Something is happening, he is changing. Is that you too? I don't know about that, I don't see him as inspiring your efforts. Maybe that's for me; if so, thank you. I do want for him that sensation that only our household offers. Mostly, thank you for keeping my loved ones safe. Thank you for not judging me as my path pains you in its indulgence and meandering way. Thank you trusting me. And for not leaving me, but rather, using this change to help us differently. Visiting folks last year, well, the one. Wow. What you gave him... enormous. So, on this day that comes shortly, I celebrate you. I live and play as if it's any other day, but in my heart, I honor you for the breath you breathed into so.many. Still saving souls one by one, just like when you were here. You are gifted, Mom. Because of you, we still have Dad, at expense to your own health. I get it. You loved us, nothing could cause us to separate. It's dad's turn now. Again, the gifts, many and subtle and never with your name attached as the giver, because you didn't need us to validate your generosity. It was just who you were, are. Thank you Mom. In 10 years, I've healed five years' worth. I think, now, I'll be okay. I miss you like I imagine missing my lungs, or my skin. You are within me and yet without you, I am incomplete. Love, The one who scared you the most The wild card The cheerleader The one who all and nobody in particular.

For several days I had the feeling like something is up, so I finally texted. A death in the family, it turns out. It's weird how I get that sensation. I don't know if he knows I was in the media today, more prominently this time. It occurred to me later today that he will see it, I had forgotten. Anyway, it feels gone. We'll never date again, and I'm fine with that.

I don't usually talk to you but lately you've been hovering in the underbrush of my brain. She has three sons, doesn't she, and you were contemplating this move for months, and it burns me up if I think of your cowardice. But it doesn't burn me up because I really truly am glad to be free of you. One day you will marry and it will be a mistake. And, like the fellow who will be helping me shortly, you will carry me in your mind's underbrush, a woman you might have chosen instead. Instead of marrying I wish you'd address the hole inside you inherited, learn to believe you are lovable and reduce your fear of abandonment. I deeply hope you don't marry her but I know you will. And you will undermine your marriage but stay for her sons. And your happiness will be through the kids, and one day you will build a bridge out of your marriage just like before. I hope I am wrong. If I am wrong, I would like to see what happens with you. I would not like to be part of it. I would like to see you after a significant time of separation. I hear from you because with your kids, with certain topics, you miss me. I don't know what's up with that but it isn't appropriate, given how deep you let yourself get with the new gal. I have learned a lot by looking back, comparing what I saw and what I see, who I attract now and who you are. Noone is like you. You still are of my skin, my air, I am of yours, the clay was molded differently but worked with the same water, wheel, and tools. I don't bother with sex anymore; I will maybe soon but maybe not for months. I need to be sure I won't compare, because you raised the bar beyond all imagination. Despite all that passion, that soul mate sensation, despite families, tastes, energies, careers, so much so similar. Despite all that I do not want to be with you.