IAmFCA

Day 2 I have read the last email I received from him both yesterday and today. It was the email I received just before I called him to inform of NC. Not sure if that means I fail? I see in that email his confusion, and NC is SO the right thing for me to be doing. Sticking to my mantra: My man does not make me wonder. If you make me wonder, you are NOT my man. I still occasionally call him curse words in my imagination. Haven't gotten to acceptance. But, some tears yesterday after a sleepless night, and getting more clear headed now. Onward!

Glad I said "My man will not make me wonder. If you make me wonder, you are not my man." Could hear the pain as you said "That's clear." Ok, so you sent me an email and you have expressed your desire to have two friendships and one romance result from your involvement with two women. Funny. Things I wanted to say to you this afternoon but didnt. (1) That I liked your letter, and of course I will respond if you contact me with "something of import". But it better damn well be important. (2) That we could see a fire in town from our balcony. (3) My C said "He likes someone else? So you're not all that special after all?" I said, no he says all that stuff. "Guys always say that." She is 12. (4) The joke that Y sent me. Right up your alley. (5) I really don't want to be friends with you. I have friends. I want you as my lover and mine alone, and nothing less. I am confident that later, I will reflect on my old posts with horror. For now, this is how unhealthy I have become. Gotta fix it. Glad you're gone.

SuperDave, this is a GREAT idea. I am in. I love him to death, or thought I would, or did. But he lied and lost his way. He professes now to be off to resolve the other relationship that distracted him so. Right-o big guy, you go do that. Do I wish hope pray that maybe someday somehow he will convince me and that I will try, and that I will be rewarded with a beautiful adventure together? Sure I do. I also wish for $1MM to land in my boots before breakfast. So, after a long email of regret and confusion from him, that came in just as I was about to sign up here (!), I told him: I am taking a break. I am not healthy. I make no promises, no predictions. He said, if he has something of import to say to me, he will send me a message, and if he hears from me, that will mean one thing, and if not, then something else. With this email, I welcome Day 1, the first day of taking back my soul. Right before the flipping holidays too. Argh. Here goes. Wow, writing it is kind of hard. Once I click Post, its real. Ok, leaping now. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Argh. You are smart, sexy, talented, fabulous with my kids, adventurous, well traveled. I would trust you to make the doctors attend to me in a busy hospital, to protect us on an open water sailing adventure, to play with me, to support my kids success in their endeavors. Also, you are a two-timing lying sack of sxxt who has come up with every excuse in the book. You somehow became the boyfriend of two people? Gee, like you just woke up one day and you had this new limb? "But we've been friends since I was 12!" you say. Fine, then let her own you. But you can't own me you SOB. Really, I am so angry. Lets not forget when I broke up with you-- which time was it-- when weeks apart caused you to admit you were falling in love with me. I believe you actually. It felt like it. Maybe my belief of you is my own sickness. Iraq has stolen your ability to hope. Excuse. I dont mean to demean what it does to you, shooting somebody, bearing the weight of it. Trying to still be human. Okay. Fine. Its been 5 years. Get a therapist. She is just a friend. Well, at least now we can all call bull on that one. Its hard to downshift. Then downshift this. How many times have I told you that the truth is sexy. But you pull your set right up within yourself and lie to me like a silly high schooler. Not sexy. Tooling around on this site helped me learn what I need: FAITH IN MYSELF. I can do this. I deserve better, we both agree. Better will be there for me, only if I am available to receive it. I am throwing you out of my head. I am. I am. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Please, Self, succeed at this.