IAmFCA

Confound it B, my instincts just fire all kinds of mixed messages. So we see each other at lacrosse, and after you say ho whard it was no tto hug me, and my C says how happy she is that we are just like normal, and we ask you to come over and you dont answer till I prod you again in an hour or so, and then you respond sorry my phone was dead and that now you are already on blue headed home. Your phone was dead, but then you charged it up, where, on the metro?? Why do these little details that you tell me bug the crap out of me. Like, no, your phone wasn't dead, it just wasn't. What is your deal?? Meanwhile, it struck me that maybe I was friend zoning you, and maybe you picked up on it. I dont know. It feels like nothing is as it seems with you. You'd think after seeing me you would be flirty by email, but you are silent. So, A comes in tonight to work for the short week I guess? Its the best I can come up with. I dont like it. I nearly friend zoned you in my heart, but then I have this jealousy too. ARGHHHH

Darlin I have questions. (1) Why do you seem to be courting me again, if only via email. Email strings that keep a continuous connection. And when I stop them, you pick them up "How was your day" etc. Have you decided to love me, or are you just getting through the holidays, or you can maintain email while still keeping up other connections, or what? Will you run hot and cold as before? (2) We have three dates coming up. All of them sexy dates, frankly. We have that snap crackle and pop electricity that runs between us. It just does. I know that you love me, I dont know that you can sustain a relationship. How am I going to manage our physicality? Its not clear even in my head what choice I want to make; how will it ever be clear while in your company. I am hoping only that it will become clearer, because I will have more information. (3) Am I creating a train wreck with my other dating life? All it is now is a bunch of interviews, though I think this week I snared a live one. I HAVE to date; I am NOT dating you. I haven't spoken to you in person or even on the phone since, I don't know, the beginning of October. What are my intentions with you? Yours with me? How will I make myself go slow enough? Mine: To find out if you can maintain a constant temperature. Yours: To be disclosed in person, I think, based on that one "proper forum" email. I really don't know what lies ahead.

Ouch, JG. Been there. If so, its not about you in any case.

And another email from you praising me. If you are in love with me baby and you are struggling not having me, then why not try to be together? Maybe this is what you are processing. I am trying to just BE.

Lately, we have been showing more and more vulnerability in our email exchanges. You have been more plain about expressing your love for me, your desire for me, your appreciation for certain aspects of my personality, and perhaps more telling, your concern for my daddy issues and my tendency to overthink things. I asked about boundaries and you responded about possibilities. You observed your newfound jealous streak, I have observed my own. It seems as if you are evaluating what exactly you want to do with me. I remain open to having you in my life. I do. Nobody around me is comfortable with this. Not on this site, not my friends. I respect that information, and it is based on legitimate concerns about your prior behavior. Yet I have not been happier than when we were together, since --- I dont know. Before I was married, sometime. If we choose t omake a go of it, then I feel like I would benefit from talking with a relationship counselor who can help me address my concerns about your ability to resolve conflict, and help you address your concerns about I dont know what, but you clearly have them. I would move out of this city for you. Do you know how incredibly huge that is? I would take your name. These are issues that in the past, I would not have been the slightest bit flexible about. I am growing, I am learning to have a greater sense of internal control, allowing me to let go of external things. I can do this. Rather oddly, I do not want to speak to you by voice. I am grateful for the shield that email provides. I will be jealous of A, I will want to know her role in your life, I will become insecure that I have moved too quickly. Yet I am looking forward to being with you in person. We are on a journey. Where to?

Again with the observation that you're in love with me, that you are feeling possessive, that its not like you and you know have no right. That had you heard that I had a travelling companion for TDay, that you would not have been prepared to hear that. Um, Hellloooo? Arent YOU the one with the GF 1200 m away? Wasn't I just the fling? I am ready for you. I want you in my life. I have 9, count 'em, 9 men who have been swimming around me like raw bait. I don't know why or where they came from. Maybe the cold weather brings your people out to chase my people. Whatever. This is not a case of me filling the void. I slaughtered that problem during my NC period. I want YOU, not someone, and not anyone, and not one of the 9. Eventually, someone else will stick to me. When that happens, and not a moment before, will be when you ask to have me back. Really? Is this really how you want to play? And another thing. Does she know? I think she does. How could she not? How in goodness name can she want to keep you when your heart needs to be set free? I just don't get it, I just don't. It's your problem. When you write me confounded as you are, it sure makes me wonder what else is in play that makes this so difficult for you. Hmmm?

OK: SO you say Yes, we've fallen in love with each other. Does that make it easier or harder? And you dont get that your question doesnt make any sense. It just IS. Love just IS. Your angst is, well, yours. YOU are making it harder by fighting what is in front of you. It aint just a river baby. Anyway, I answer back: ....May be better if I let you tell me how you feel. Which, duh, stops you from writing anything. Because how you feel is what has got you all tied up. I'm sorry, but you are a grown man, you have been in war, and not just once. You have been single in some form for, I don't know, 7 years. WTH is your problem. I am proud that (1) I answered with short answers. (2) I just sent you a funny Bill Cosby bit that is one of my favorites. You need to lighten up. I am not getting drawn in to your head again. Its your damn head, its smart as ginzu in there. You love me. Get over it. If you are determined to not go out with me, then what difference does it make? Whether you want me or not, you clearly don't have what you want with A. But, that's for you to figure out. I am moving on, with you still in my orbit, I know, but moving on nonetheless.

WTH kind of email is it that you send telling me you miss me and that we each fell in love with the other? gee, shall I send it to your TX gf? truly, i understand your anguish, i do, but its rather tiresome.

Love this post!

I know you like me. I know you are concerned that I might not be right for you. I guess its like- why kill the A thing when maybe I'm not it. You talk to me, ok. But then you have such strong sexual desire for me. We have three dates coming up. Yeah, ex or not? Ex. I have no desire to see you for day to day dates. Its just these dang holiday parties. How will I handle our strong attraction? Am I just a convenient thing here?

Oh crap. You already knew about my crazy brain and I have scared you away. It isn't that she owns you. It's that you are not choosing me.

you are perfect for me or you are so not for me. in no event are you just ok. i hope i am lucky enough to replace you soon

Oh great, fine, you choose this morning, before work even, to write me in a way that refutes the pattern. wth. are you available or are you not? i used to love living in the gray. argh.

OK having a lonely night. Why? Because now that I have identified the pattern, it means its not you. I have been tending toward loneliness lately, and this new knowledge is a relief and also a loss. You are not it. I wanted it to be you, pretty deeply wanted it. When I see you, will I feel the same?

Happy Veterans Day.

My ENA family is teaching me and I am learning. I wish you would get on with your own growth. I fear I will be pulling away from you and I wish we were pulling away from this station together.

Dear ex, Just because we have reconnected does not mean I am taking you back. You have a gf. Use her for your purposes, not me. Love, me.

To my NC family: Thank you. Tomorrow might be my new Day 1, as our email exchange has continued into this morning. What I learned from breaking NC: he misses me as badly as I miss him. I also learned that he imagined that I had moved on easily. Both things were very helpful to learn. How I feel from breaking NC: Oddly OK. I actually feel more energetic today. What is at risk from breaking NC: I sometimes feel like I could see him again, not as a friend, and not intimately. Sort of like stuck forever in dating purgatory. I am taking today to understand myself a little better before I commit to tomorrow. @Rocko: I am picking up the book this afternoon. Its at the counter waiting for me. Thank you. @vb: Your story is inspiring because you were able to have such a supportive discussion. Thank you for sharing it. @JG: When I am ready, I am going to follow your directions to yourself: "no contact means that: 1) I will not contact her in any medium (Phone, Facebook, Text, Twitter, Gchat or face to face); 2) I will not look at her facebook, twitter, gchat; 3) I will(already have) block her from Gchat, facebook; 4) I will(already have) take her number out of my phone; 5) I will(already have) delete her from linkedin. She may reach out to me from time to time. If she reaches out to me: 1) I will not respond immediately; 2) I will gather my thoughts and emotions; 3) I will make a decision about whether to respond based on the content of the message; 4) I will not give her an ego boost; 5) I will not bring up the past relationship. If she reaches out with breadcrumbs (i.e., "miss you" "thought about you") my reply will be a default "thanks! hope all is well." If she reaches out with a testing the waters ("hey, how are you?") my default will be a hour or two later "Great! Swamped at work. Hope all is well." If she reaches out to tell me she has a new love or boyfriend, my default will be "Congrats. I wish you two all the best." If she says something more like "i love you" or "i want to work it out" then I will follow the approach above. If she reaches out in any other way (sends me news articles, asks for my advice, wants me to help on something) I will ignore her. In the meantime, I will focus on my healing. I will not focus on her or what she is doing. Instead, I want to: 1) kick ass at my job; 2) apply to some fellowships; 3) finish the insanity workout program; and 4) volunteer more in my neighborhood." An excellent post, sir!

Damn it. Day 1.

Day 16 It still hurts. Different things keep hurting. It hurt to have been so mistreated, it hurt not to have him, then it hurt to give him up, now it hurts to consider that he has moved on. Why why why would I care. Really. I deserve better. He has just let me wander out of his life as if it means nothing.

It still hurts. You posted public posts on your wall today. All about politics. Still, unusual for you. I know, I shouldn't be looking. It hurts babe, it just does. I have dates lining up like crazy, I don't know why. I am doing my best. I imagined seeing you on the train today. I had no smile for you, I had nothing for you. Yet, it still hurts. I feel like you have moved on. I didn't feel like that before. I wish I would get a sign, and I know I will get none. How I did this to myself, I just don't know.

I am full of it. I wish you pain because your pain validates my existence. I don't know that I have anything to thank you for; you took your measure. I AM thankful for having known you. You used me ill and hurt me deeply. I needed that. I will now validate my own existence and trust that karma will balance things out as intended. There is much about you that I want, and I miss you for those things. But I will find them again, it must be so. Now, I will seek what I want in faith that I will find it embodied in someone who loves me deeply. I have nothing to say to you. How sad and unsatisfying. You are gone.

In other cases, I have generally been kind-hearted and generous towards my ex. Even my ex-H. But in your case, my dear, I am sincerely wishing you pain. I think you need it. I think you need the pain to discover that you can feel, to identify what you feel. I wish you angst over A, I wish you pain over me. I wish you pain so great that you are forced to resolve your personal life. I fantasize that I am in your thoughts, though I know I could be so far from your thoughts as to have been from another era, another time. Still, my instincts are pretty good. I think you have me boxed up into a compartment. Then, some days, a reminder of me filters in and the pain begins. Let me be clear. I don't wish you ill. I do, very much, wish you pain. Lots of it, and occasionally in an overwhelming amount. I wish and hope that there are reminders of me that trigger this pain. My train station, the mixer, a picture in your phone. Maybe the occasional telltale long hair floating about. There aren't as many as I would like. I wish to contact you, only to make sure you have reminders of me. But I will not contact you. I have nothing to say, and I have no desire to listen. I do not wish myself to forget you, as I know I won't do that. I wish happiness for me, and I intend to make that wish come true. One day, maybe I will wish happiness for you too. That is the best I can do.

Day 16. Am repeating that list: scoundrel, lout, unprincipled dishonest rotten self serving leech. Being brilliant, a great dad, and an accomplished generalist in - pretty much everything - sports, medicine, engineering, IT, aviation, history - made him funner than heck. But, character trumps all else. He said, at the end, that he learned that I "am way smarter than [he] in some ways". I bet that came as a shock to that bloated brain of his. Date tonight to watch election results... its like a learning journey. I could just as easily not go. Going because his efforts warrant my acceptance, and because I need to practice rewarding character. Clearly, I need a lot of practice.

Rocko I have (obviously) been posting morning and evening in part to make myself stay tethered to the NC contest, and in part because my mood absolutely changes. The morning is a life line, it helps keep me mindful. The evening post helps contain my self-destructive instincts; these kick in when I am tired. Came on to post now because I am late today, and want to keep track of the count. I am a fan of the two-a-day.