IAmFCA

Ugh Must stop spinning scenarios. (1) you resolve your custody situation and end up buying your ex's house in Bethesda. this way you are absolved from Ann's doubt because your dependent forces your hand. It is at this point obvious to you both that neither can move for another 4 years. clearly, ann will accept these terms. relationship continues unabated. My move: remain NC. the proximity will get to you, my ad, or it won't - tie game. (2) All move to IN. You don't. And, you have no ties anywhere. Where do you go? My move: remain NC. the opportunity to choose will clarify your thinking. i hear from you - my ad - or I dont - deuce. (3) If #2 happens [i am really bored with myself now but lets just finish the exercise], and you stay here, does ann accept that? Again, my move = NC. If you move to TX, Ann "wins" we both lose. Maybe you move to NC, closer to mom or something. I just don't see it. There is just no reason for me to contact you.

Still Day 11. I know I won't contact him but I really want to all of a sudden. As I write this I imagine his voice on the other end of the line. Nope, that is not a safe place. OK. Keep remembering that he has retreated. remember, remember....

I wander over to this thread to talk to you, and if I must, I could tell you that you sprinkle my thoughts with random bits that flit in and back out again without leaving a trail. I am better already. And I will be better still. If you were to meet me from scratch, I would be even better yet. And what would you be? The same? So it seems. I do wonder if moving, kids maybe moving, I wonder if all that will have an impact on you, and what would that impact be. If you end up a full time dad, what then? Ooh it just made my hand hurt, I am not over you, to have the momentary idea that the 3 of you would set up house when she comes north. Ugh and yuck. I hope one stays with you. I think it would change you alot. And I wonder if that means you would move to her school district. Oh holy heck we would be 5 minutes apart. It is SO much better when I dont talk to you. Glad you are only a thread.

Day 11. My girls talk about him. But I am still okay. Am ready for this new year.

I don't miss you, it turns out. I miss much about you. The way I see you has shifted. I want so much about what we had, the fun, the do-anything spirit, the frisson, the sex, the discussions. I want all of that. But you are so much more than that, unloving, manipulative, confused perhaps. Utilitarian? Disrespectful. Blech. Oh yeah and I am so full of it. I know that if you wrote me a letter, that cited an incident in which God reached down from the heavens and anointed you to be my everything for now and evermore, I would at least read it and be distracted by its message. We were that good, when we were good. But, you know, in real life you are you and I am me, and I deserve so much better.

Day 10. And except for that little email exchange, it would be 13 or so. If it weren't for counting on ENA, I wouldn't even know how many days. Glad to have done this before. Its amazing how much easier it is. It is also amazing how much I grow each time. His purpose in my life was to remind me that its not just mad skills I require, also I require being cherished by my partner. A bi-lateral cherish festival.

Let him go. Dont talk to him on FB. When he writes to whine that he hasnt heard from you, ignore it. He will get the message. If roles were reversed, this is what he would do. Let your actions talk for you.

HAHAHAHAHA I am growing like crazy!

Day 9. Breakthrough of yesterday: resolve my control issues. Will make his controlling behavior THAT much less desirable. Continue to have that feeling that even if he were to reach out again, I wouldn't want him. But I think its a lie. (1) I don't believe I will ever hear from him again, and that's okay and probably preferable. My wingman says I hear from him before Jan 31 and definitely at some point. I think he is wrong. B is the king of emotional self-control. (2) If I DID hear from him (a) one-word answers, (b) "how's ann" if it becomes relevant. © let him talk. We WILL see each other on a lacrosse field or something, but if that were to happen, at this point, I am not even sure I would acknowledge him.

Day 8 technically. Re-read my rant. Still agree with it. What is the point though. If a scoundrel is a scoundrel then to advise him of such is superfluous. I do not envision an end to NC.

(beware of rant) I am sorry B, I am sorry. I tried to write you a thank you letter earlier, and what I kept doing was censoring out my words, or my instincts. You know your strengths. A thank you letter from me would feel like, I don't know, more adulation from the masses or some such bs. Have you any idea how you demean yourself by engaging in relationships the way you do? You were falling in love with me, you were wavering in your love for Ann, you were all over the place. You love yourself and will take whatever the rest of us offer you. I think you don't love yourself. We supplant what is missing. But you sure are proud. Where is the honor in that? Where is the desire to profess, protect, provide? Really truly, I love love love so much about you. I am serious about that. I want you I want your brilliance and your confidence and your energy. My goodness you are like a fantasy and a drug and a porn movie all rolled up into one. Can you love? Can you sacrifice yourself for your wife? I just don't know. I just don't. I haven't seen it. You left your wife for Iraq against her wishes, and I know you felt compelled and offended that she didn't support you. Yet you left, and you never could describe for me how you wrestled with that decision. More that you were angry (hurt, but you don't know that) and went anyway. And you can sleep with two people at once, and withstand pangs of guilt and conflict, but still manipulate all to your purposes. Oh sure, it was my choice, I know, I watched your moves. You are complicit and not without soiled hands. "You are the only reason I would choose to stay here." What about your girls? Why tell me this, when you have no intention of staying? When you are choosing to be with a woman who lives 2,000 miles away and where you say "I have no desire to ever move back there"? Helloooo, intimacy avoidance much? I wish you find love and integrity in your soul and in your heart. I wish you find the courage to build your relationships in a way that reflects respect for yourself. I really do. May God protect you where I have tried and can not.

Now this post is what I am supposed to be using this thread for... sometimes as I let go of someone I send a thank you note. In this case, the note might say... The year ends and our paths diverge as it seems they must. For me, 2012 was a year of recovery. I began the year in mourning and I survived several assaults on my job and my finances. I ended the year knowing where I want to go and knowing I can get there. I learned from your instruction and your example. For that I am thankful. As you discern and carve your path in 2013, know that you have some core strengths to carry you. One of my first compliments to you remains the most compelling. The way you use your mind is your strongest suit. I also like your level of energy and your surprising gift for being introverted. You are hungry as hell. Your combination of traits portends a lifetime of adventure. What really makes you sexy? The fact that adventure can happen in your mind, your living room, or around the globe. Few can honestly claim "I'm always ready." You can. You are self-aware enough to know these strengths and to rely on them. Still, I hope this little note of appreciation helps fuel your tank for 2013.

Day 7. I feel like using DNA is keeping channel open, keeping him alive in a way.I like seeing the numbers grow and I am glad to be prepared for whatever may happen but I may stayoff PC fora bit. Will see.

I am tired of thinking about you. The man I miss doesn't exist and never did.

I don't miss you so much now, though if I let myself imagine you I could make myself miss you. Now, I just miss your attention. That is not the same thing. I can conquer missing your attention, since I know it comes with a barrel full of crxp. Attention is empty, missing your attention reflects a hole within myself that I can address. Damn your talent and emotional narcissism. Freaking difficult combination. Like falling in love with a murderer.

Struggling with you today. I hope deeply deeply deeply that you are sensing a loss. I hope you never get over it. I hope you come back to me, eventually. One day, to be THAT man. But you won't. She will continue to fly up to see you and you will eventually realize you have no other path. The next 6 months will tell you much. You will be moving, you may quit your job, you may buy a house. You may leave the region. You don't know. I will lose your whereabouts then. I think this NC thing will be important to keep up for all that time.

I am rockin Day 6.

damn you you are still sexy as hell. thank god for my wingman who assures me you know what you have lost. i am sure he is right but i waiver. i am ever more confident that I will not respond when you contact me. unless and until you offer me a different set of circumstances. and if that were to happen, it would be years from now. you will have lost your bff and your gf, you will be rebounding. so not even then. by then, what i will offer you is so out of this world better than what i am now, and what i am now is better than any woman you have ever loved. I am, from the inside out, the real thing. i am that woman that you love hold and cherish forever. You can take me anywhere and do anything with me. I am, in fact, exactly what you want. Too bad for you.

Tomorrow is Day 6. He travels with his kids on Day 7. This makes tomorrow a high risk day for contact. My instincts tell me I will have NC from him. Nonetheless, I need to be prepared. I will go to sleep envisioning me ignoring his email / text / presence. I think that will help me feel more secure.

So in truth, my concerns about you all revolve around your arrogance, the ease with which you assert yourself. I love your authority, I miss your humility. How would you be in the company of the sweet Davises, whose spirits and minds could go toe to toe with yours, if they ever would demean themselves to do it. That always and still should be my concern. It strikes me that I want you for me but more so for my girls. For them you are everything they are missing. You are attentive, effective and athletic. You make them feel safe and you give them hope that life will be better and they will be stronger. Wanting for them is a much deeper need than wanting for myself. So much overlaps with my childhood - your intellect, your flying, your travel. Your playfulness. I want your strength. But I don't want your indifference. To give my girls the example of loving a man who does not cherish me, that can not be. What do I offer you? Companionship and great sex. Was that enough? What else are you looking for? Nothing, I think. Its only that you have companionship and great sex in A, to whom you do not want to commit. I don't want to be part of this little world you have woven. And of course, I respect you less. As respect goes, so does love. Just as I told you it would. I am giving you up, every day. Every day I celebrate moving on from you. Every day I consider what it is about you that I want so much, that I wish so deeply to have. Because I will find it in a man who is made for me. I will pray for this man. I am rapidly becoming the real deal. You are.... not.

Day 5. Harder today just now because of news of someone's death. I am not breaking NC to tell him. Still have the running script in my mind turning over and over my choices and how I represent my choices to him. Its pretty easy really. Still gotta a gf? Ok, thats easy. [i do wonder who else each of you is sleeping with. Your relationship with her is yuk.] I am ever glad to be considering new choices. And I remind myself that I cant have anyone new as long as he is in my life. Gotta wash that man right outta my hair, as the song says. Go, git.

I am writing to tell you that Jack Bauer, whom we met at the Elm party two Fridays ago, died this past Friday. It seems as if he died of a heart attack of some sort, no real details. He was 34 and healthy, or so it seemed. We also met his wife Lauren, 32. They have a 2 year old child at home. It just seems like a piece of news I ought to share with you.

You would have fit in today. But not if you're just in arrogant axxhxxx mode. It struck me....it takes ability and desire. We have the former. Not the latter. I will not call you. I hope to remain unresolved for you. That is what _you deserve.

Your hold on me is just floating away bit by bit. I will miss your skills and your talent and your energy. I will not miss your chaos your intimacy issues your ability to be blackmailed by your Gf. Knowing you makes me better- my next goals involve tris and first aid. I will be an athlete with my girls and I will take them sailing, safely. You will be absent from my desire and mind. Only sometimes. I admit to "if you could see me now" indulgence. I want you, yes. But I don't need you. I don't think you'll be back. But you will wonder.

Day 4. Dreamt a vignette of us pal-ing around as usual, he in a bf way and me squelching my questions and falling in step. Glad for the practice round. Next dream I will have the presence of mind to ask Hows A?