IAmFCA

Day 11 ends, and the fog is still lifting. A little worried about Day 14, because it seems like something I can totally accomplish. Which means, he will call/tm/email me for sure. He has always had an uncanny ability to find me as I am just at the point of giving up. Crossing my fingers, oddly, that he leaves me alone.

So, yeah, I got to work this morning and thought, Well, that's over. I just don't see you getting anyone who is as complete a package as I for you. Free spirit, good coin, good sex, good looks, good mom. WTH is wrong with you. Maybe you were the gift God sent me to help me find someone who is as good for me as I would have been for you. Now that is a darn good idea.

Day 11 I stood at my office elevators and remarked to myself, "Well, he's gone." And it was matter of fact. Day11. Hardly slept, still off my game, but definitely recovering.

You know what? I came here to post to you, and I had nothing to say. Why am I wasting my time with you? I need a man, not a coward.

Mr Hope, add me to your list of fans for your one-liners. Made me LOL in my office today. And to my Mr. B: Did you come home today? What did it feel like? How was Stu? Where is your head at? Ahhh, what's it matter. Its your head you gotta fix. I am going about my life without you. You and A can invite me to the wedding. Ha. So my bro asked if you are coming out on Saturday. I just realized that I can't type here what he actually said, its just too offensive. Anyway, you were both acknowledged and thrown under the bus in one grand gesture. Take from that what you will. I would like to have the good part of you back. I would take the bad part of you too, if you get a therapist. I am glad you have to carry your head on shoulders, and I don't. I can be proud of my choices. Can you? Yeah, thought so. You are going to miss me you SOB. You stupid, well I cant say that either. You messed up, and you know it. As you would say, Good luck with that.

Day 10-- It stuck! I kept my head on straight for a whole day! Geez it seems silly. There are parts of today that would have been better with him in it, and I felt that like it is just part of the air, not like it was a gut wrenching void. If I am going to fall for someone, of course there will be enough there that it will leave an hole when they are gone. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be gone. Yay Day 10, welcome to my life. I smell two weeks, and it smells good.

Rocko, I am going to check out this book you mention. Title sounds intriguing. Thanks for the mention of it.

Day 10 Day 10! YAY! I know it is lifting. The content of my whining (yes, it is) is shifting in some way. I am through the very concrete example of him being with her for the race, a beautiful moment in their relationship as they got to spend about 2 weeks out of four together. It still makes my fingers tingle when I write about him with her. Now, the time will come that he is home, that I do not hear from him, that I will see how it is with this whole episode having passed by me. I am beginning to see that if he writes, I will be happy to hear from him. I also will be able to draw on these writings as a source of strength. Thank you ENotAlone! The demonstration of life going on in an uneventful fashion will be very helpful. Am reminded of Sheryl Crow's lyric: It's not having what you want / It's wanting what you've got. Okay, will work on that.

Day 9 started okay, but it ended with me in an absolute funk, feeling alone in the world, feeling incredibly isolated. I let myself, made a conscious choice, to look at his FB page. Still no changes. I dont know what I was looking for. Some piece of information perhaps? I just dont know. I need to move on. I need a support network. Life feels hard, and I know I have gobs of things to appreciate. It isnt that i am ungrateful. It is that I am tired and utterly lacking in positive affirmation. And here I am, wasting my time on introspection. Need to go away. Day 9. You stunk, Day 9, but I still did it. I am past 1 week and on my way to 2 weeks. I know it will get better. I know it will.

B: You were enough for me today, you, by yourself, with no plan, just you. That's all I needed today. Why can you not see how easy this is. We never had to try, it just is, it comes easily all by itself. I miss the dead guy, I feel like no one's got my back but me. I had to make my ex-H not take 50 bucks from my kid today, and I am mourning you, a man I never had. ***. I am effing spent. I almost cried on the drive home today, I think because N was dropping the kids off early. ?? Am exhausted. Why am I telling you this? Because you get it. I really really could have used you today. I would have come home to you today and your crinkle smile and I would have been restored. Somebody, something, somewhere has got to give me a sign, give me a break, lighten my load. Somewhere. I am going to pray, I am, purposefully. For whatever God intends for me to have. Maybe, just maybe, he is trying to give it to me and I am staring it in the face. Maybe somehow, I will find it. It wasn't you, God doesn't send liars to do his work. But it felt like you. Are you an arrow, pointing me somewhere? What is the answer, B. What is it that I need and why did you seem to have it? Everyone tells me to give nice guy here and kind fellow there a chance. I try. I am trying. Its like trying to plug in a lamp in the dark. I try and I try, but these poor men are stuck on Groundhog Day, forever on a first date. I know there is something there, I just don't really care what it is. I don't want them to touch me, I really dont want to touch them. I just want to laugh and then go home. You had something I wanted to bring out into the light, to touch and to feel. Dang it, it was good. You went into it for a fling, and you fell too, I know. Why you kept at it in the beginning, I don't know. Why, when you commented more than once, if it was just sex, there are easier ways to go about it. It was good dang it and you know it was. And I needed you today. Where were you? Where, indeed.

You were SO MUCH FUN. WE were fun. You know full well that many women would not ride around on bikes with you, in their work/date clothes and with all their stuff, to go out to dinner. You know women, in general and certainly in this town, will want you to knuckle under, get a car, get a plan. Buy a house, give us a nest. But I didn't expect that of you, require it of you, need it from you. WTH is wrong with you that you would be so cavalier with what you found in me?

Must re-read this. I loved what we had, it was more fun than ever.

I have been reading your posts. I am cheering for you.

Day 9 The void is closing. I still want you. I would never accept your crap now, the way I did. I'm going to be okay. I know i broke it off verbally, but you killed it first, with your actions. You should never have let me go.

Just come home. Flights still canceled today. I wish I knew how you felt.

Let me just say this: on one level, I could have taken him upstairs, hosted him for a cozy evening in, and I would have enjoyed that. On the other hand, I am rather enjoying being alone at home. I am rather enjoying the loneliness of it. No, the alone-ness of it. You called me to ask me out in June, but I was on my way to a date, do you remember? Still exchanging texts with him, and with several others too, and they came over my phone while I was at the bar down the street. You know the bar. Its where you said you were falling in love with me you two faced coward. So, I went on my date, I put up my little barriers, I wished for a cozy and passionate night in the storm, but I didn't make it happen. The fact is, I like you better. It took me 7 dates to kiss you. 7 dates! Do you remember kissing in the parking lot of the Italian restaurant? Do you remember that electricity? And then I liked your brain, your energy, your athleticism. I liked and still like the fact that you are like nobody else I have ever met. You took me out on bikes for goodness sakes, more than once. I am lucky to have eaten in some of America's best restaurants, to have been offered a car and driver more than once, yet this did not intimidate you. You, with no car, met me downtown at least three times, put us on bikes. You took me to the one bar that I have always wished a man would bring me to, why it took so long I have no idea. We went biking down the middle of town with traffic and the wind in our faces. It was exhilarating, freeing. We went to the beach in the cold drizzle. We rocked out, laughed in the bumper cars, got stuck on a ride. Being with you is like being perpetually 15. Yet, we sat on your balcony, and I loved how you put out the table and the candles and set my place for me, and then we played chess. I loved it, I loved all of it. And, I could physically consume you like an addict to crack. You said, well, we have never seen each other pay bills, have real life. No, we haven't. But you have been in my house, seen us have dinner, do homework, hang out. I have seen you watch tv, cruise the net, read a book. What is it you are missing, and how could it exist between us if you sabotage us constantly? I suppose you will come back from Texas, where you have had a great time perhaps, with your head full of A. When you get here, you will wait to see what you feel. You will feel both of us. You will be confused. Maybe you and I can be friends you think. Yeah right. Try to be friends with me and I will not discourage you from wanting me physically, and you will. You will want me, and you will be confused. Sorry dear. I want you, on my terms. Not to share. I just had a fantasy of you just showing up at my door. There is no hello, only a passionate kiss. I only will have to rid myself of you. You, you have a lot of karma to contend with.

Hey, you. I am going on a date. I want you to hear that message through the airwaves, get the vibe, discern it intuitively somehow. You held a diamond in your hand, and you spat on it. You know that. And just in case you forgot, yeah, I am going on a date with a nice, handsome, stable, smart and respectful man. He neither lies, nor hates himself. Gee, you are still stuck under the thumb of that woman you said you didn't want, in fact, if you wanted her you would have sewed that deal up already and would not have wanted me. So, how is that working out for you? Yes, I admit to resentment. And I admit to spite. But I am not bringing any of that out with me right now. Because my date is not about you, its about me. I know that you suck. I hope one day to appreciate that in my guy the way I do in my brain.

I just cant think about you today. Its sunny where you are, your office is closed, you have nothing to do but have sex with A, play, and avoid the mess you made. Even if you are making the decision now to move to her city and commit yourself, that would feel better. I think its the disgust for you that I am resisting, more than anything. I dont want to face the offense of your actions, because that would mean I accepted them. I am trying to not concoct scripts in my head that guess at your actions. But I need scripts in mine that are ready for whatever it is you throw at me next: nothing, marriage, friendship, dating, it could be anything, anytime. I can say this: we did not pledge fidelity to each other. You DID lead me on, lie to me, stand me up, confess to falling in love. Its the standing me up and the dishonesty. It isn't A. It's your manipulation of me, willfully, by withholding the truth and dissembling about the details. I DID accept that, for awhile. Why? Because I could rationalize it. I could understand being stuck in two casual relationships and screwing it up. I could not, could not, hear you pledge "falling in love", hear you arrange for a weekend, hear you make my birthday important, and after all that, observe the same behavior. So, maybe I can look your behavior in the face. Ultimately, I did NOT accept it. I put an end to it. I am struggling with the idea that because of all that, I should throw you away. There is so much about you that I valued and still value. How can I harness that value, without having to mingle with the rest of you? What do you suggest? I have no idea how to accept you, ever, but I want to.

Day 8 I admit to pulling up his FB page last night. For 30 seconds. No changes, all locked down as usual. No change in profile pic. I was grateful to see no changes. I don't want to start my count over again. Have been questioning myself: why is this so hard? I am strong, capable, accomplished, and highly intuitive. I know what I need to do. So why am I hanging on to my desire for a man who hasn't earned it, and who in fact has earned my contempt? My dating history is, in a nut shell, divorce, best friend/romantic partner who succumbed to cancer, now this guy. Inconsequential dates in between, etc. I am feeling a void I don't ever remember feeling in the past. The void made it harder to walk away from current ex, whose company was incredibly compelling. I am wondering where did this void come from? Is it the loss of the man who passed? I am going to go back to THAT loss. There is something about this void that needs to be fixed. Off to learn from others on recovering from loss threads....

Everybody wants me to hate you. Why don't I ?

I miss how much fun it was, always, to be in your company. I miss you hanging out with us, watching b&w tv on netflix. I miss the dream of flying to the coast with nothing but a plane, our bikes, and a tent. I miss our sex, yes. So much in retrospect makes sense, like when you were apopleptic that I left my old mixer at your house. Did you toss it before A came? Gosh how it burns me up to have shared you, unwittingly, as I did. Yet, your company was compelling indeed, and I miss the hell out of it. So brilliant and so flawed. Damn. Can it ever be good? I really do miss you.

I have gotten a little bit done today. Mostly, I have obsessed that it is your race day, that you are stuck in TX because of the weather, that you now will have a great excuse to have fabulous sex for a few more days, guilt free. I am guessing at the relief that the closed gov't brings you, the break that you get to spend that time in A's company, the rush from your last race of the season. You would be a fool to have your SOTU talk this weekend, at the expense of your race and your fun time. So, you know, just go ahead and put it off. No biggie. You suck. How am I to respect you? I know I am under your skin, so whatever I am imagining, I am also reminding myself that your experience is multi-layered. You will not have missed me like I missed you because you have been traveling, you have been embraced, you have been athletic. I know. I dont know what your head is doing, but I am certain now that you shut your mouth. How can you be proud of yourself? How can you feel like you are being fair to A? And, in a vulgar admission, it is awful to know the kind of sex you are having. Ugh. Two libertines with an unexpected vacation day. Its just gross from my perspective. Just indulgent, cheap, like something from college with no dignity. I am hanging on to the belief that if I cling to the high road, the hard road, I will get rewarded. PLEASE be true. If you continue to choose a path of convenience, you will not have me. Ever. But, lucky you! You will be stuck with someone you never wanted. A year ago, I was home, working, wanting to play, while my dearest lay dying. This year has been a recovery from that loss, I can see that. I am tired. I am wanting. You brought me joy, light, freedom. Everyone else is, well, just a man. I can attract them and consume them if I wish. I hope to find someone else who will give me a world with no boundaries like you did. And maybe without the misanthropy. Bonus. Maybe I am to wait until there is no void? Will there ever be such a time? I cant see it. You used me ill, sir, and I wish you justice for it.

OK, I closed the Ironman site. I have confirmed that he finished. Now, I assume his plan was to fly home tomorrow, which I doubt he will be able to do. So the race is over, she cheers him on and now they go home together. Sick. And he stays on with her a few more days. Argh. I need to get my head out of his life. It doesn't matter to me anymore.

Day 7 Yesterday was fleeting. Today I basically have stayed in and obsessed. Looked up his race scores. Bad for my self esteem!

Why am i checking up on your race splits? You are like some sort of vortex. So that what, I know how you did? And I care how you did today for exactly what reason?