IAmFCA

Oh and I notice I have a new saying, for example, with mr community-spirit, I am treading slowly because I suspect I have the power to let him like me alot. And you know, I dont want to "B" him. That's right, yesterday your name became a verb.

Hey you I might let myself like someone else. I suppose you figured this out. As a result of your misanthropic ways, I am appreciating anew an acquaintance who is smart and accomplished and ALSO an active participant in his community and generally making the world a nicer place. Maybe my ability to appreciate him is a gift from you. Ha, I bet you'd love that. I looked up your swim split. I suspect you swam slow. I have a fantasy that you are low energy because you made a mess of your intimate life. I have a fantasy that you are in a really bad mood and I hope you are. Yes you did make a mess, with two people who deserved better from you. I hope you swam slow. I was kind of hoping you DQd, but now I am hoping you finish with lead in your feet the whole way. Gut it out and grow the f up. You suck.

Day 7 I googled his race results for the swim split. Must get away from this computer. There were no pictures, so I am not starting over. I hope I am not breaking the rules. I mean no disrespect to my fellow NCers. How did the google make me feel? Like he is where I expect him to be. Like I am wasting my time with him in my brain. Ugh. So much else to do. Must get out of house.

Klin, good work! You didnt ask for feedback in this thread, so I may be intruding. Please forgive me. Over on a different thread , ideal87 describes holding a funeral for the relationship. Maybe 30 days marks an opportunity for you to hold you own ritual?

If you pass this weekend in her company and you keep your mouth shut, you are a compromised coward, lacking in integrity, unable to be true to yourself. Your cowardice is in inverse proportion to your big talk. No surprise there. Your on-line references to anatomy, to the supremacy of your opinion... are these not a reflection of your disrespect for yourself? Have you reduced yourself to the power of your parts? Will you let someone counsel you? Is this love? Your patterns are so familiar. I learned that love comes embodied in people who follow their own drumbeat. My parents, all my sibs follow this definition. Right now, it seems like if you chose to be with me you would cleave to me, but over time, I suspect you would drift. I want the part of you that cleaves, and I want to trust that you wont let yourself drift. But you will. You will drift and ruin the relationship, rather than confront emotional conflict. Counseling, love. We will not all leave you alone like your parents did. But we will leave you if you leave us.

End of Day 6 Successful dates today, had fun, felt attraction, then I went to the grocer and back home. More than 2 hours in a bar would have felt out of balance. I am glad I felt attraction. That had been gone for awhile. New discovery: knowing my sib and niece are running marathon tomorrow makes his Ironman less important to me. Having women compete in a remarkable athletic event makes me need him less. Like, I yearn for THE extraordinary among my sibs/friends. Interesting. Starting to forgive myself, I think.

Day 6 Its getting SO much better. Slept in Resisted some FB urges Stories of ex were top of mind while making large Xmas purchase, because my purchase overlaps with an area of his expertise. Lunch with a former fling. who told me stories of one a friend with same name as B. Reminded myself that I have no idea when B intends to have his "SOTU" convo with FWB/GF. I hadnt really considered the fact that he might not do anything about his situ. Whatevs. If he is to come to me, it has to be on his timeline. If I am to take him, it has to be on mine. Lessons on what I have learned from knowing B float to the surface. Was viewing city today through the eyes of one who has lost much. Appreciation is a good lesson. My thought pattern indicates that B is moving from gut to the safe calculus of my brain. Still, I think next week will be harder. He will return home (or maybe he will stay the week with A and wait out the weather. ****.) Post-weekend will feel different to him, like a new phase. I am not prepared for hearing from him; I doubt I will but need to be prepared to alleviate the anxiety. All in all, though, a very good departure from last week's cloud.

Day 5 midnight *** is wrong with me? Ok. when you start obsessing and fighting off FB temptations, its time to go to bed.

Way to go, ideal87!

There was that time you said you found my POF page, and you were hurt by it. You knew I was on POF, that wasnt it. You read it, you said, and you thought, She deserves to have that. And you told me you werent sure you could be what I had posted for. I was confused by this. You are exactly what I describe. then tonight, I reread my profile. Holy crap. This is one of the times when you were struggling with your deception. There were several of these times, when you would tell me clues that I didnt understand. This is one of them. the first line in my profile, second sentence, "You are honest." You knew I was looking for a sincere adventurer. You knew you were the whole second paragraph. I hadn't even remembered what I had written. It hurt you, not because I was there, and not because you weren't good enough, but because you felt guilty. "You are honest" No, I'm not, you thought. Yet you perpetuated your bad behavior. Wow. I think the acquisition of a conscience surprised you. More wow. Get a therapist. And yeah, I still want you to come back to me. With a therapist on retainer for us both.

You will not find anyone like me. I am the only me. I take comfort in the idea that you will not forget me. I doubt you will forget me, ever. I do not yet WANT to forget you, but I am working on it.

Day 5 Today is Day 5. Yesterday, I stayed up too late as I have been, but I didnt wake up at 430. I am even looking forward to the date I made for this weekend. just a "friendly beer", so it wont push me too far out of my comfort zone. I get weak when I stay up too late, and I ALMOST looked at his FB page. I did look at MY FB messages, which have the thumbnails of him and also of his FWB/GF. But I didn't linger. I read the site about How To Attract Your Ex back, and it was good. It recommends 90-day NC. This is what my friend suggested as well. I am not ready to commit to 90 days. But I am happy to get to two weeks, then 4 weeks, then re-evaluate. I am grateful to have a place where I can use the "I" pronoun without guilt and without exhausting my audience. I still am harboring the conflicting ideas that (1) nobody has felt like he did, and (2) whether he could spend a lifetime living the truth. I am still wondering how long I will have to live without him before I can live with him. Day 5. OK.

Do you remember we were each at our respective homes and you had me log into the same Netflix movie you were watching? The cute Scottish indie about the budding romance between the 13 years olds? That was, well, sweet. Also, the Voltaire quote another poster offers Every man is free the minute he chooses to be--- I am telepathically sending that to you. You should not pick her and you should not pick me. Just live for a bit, without trying to please either one of us.

You dumb axx. I hope when you are in TX you feel the pain of having left me here. I hope also you feel compelled to alter the grounds of your friendship. I hope you begin planning how to earn my trust. I want you back. Can I trust to keep working at getting me back, if I am only tentative in the beginning?

Oh crap I almost FB'd him just now. He has a huge online footprint. MUST RESIST seeing what he is up to!!!

Day 4 I posted my terms for reconciliation and my concerns over on the NC thread. They will be there for me if I ever need them, and it is helping me to let go. This weekend, he competes in an IronMan, and otherwise from now till then has uninterrupted time with the FWB-turned-GF. It makes my hands burn kind of, to write that. Anyway, next week will be harder than this one. Next week will be when its obvious that he needs more time to undo what he did, to process where he is going. Its obvious he needs more time, but next week, I dont know, it will be harder. I almost cheated last night: "No picture websites", I know, and I didn't violate that. But I did look up his registration info on the race website,and saw his name and jersey number. Why? I have no idea. God help me if he contacts me next week. I am prepared with my post of terms and concerns, but I am not prepared emotionally. Hope to keep my feet firmly underneath me.

Here are my terms: create understanding - done apologize effectively - done explain point of view - done make promises - what would they be? follow through on promises - consider that crazy escrow account idea to restore balance of power discuss how promises are being kept - how would I know? prepare for issues of timing And here are my concerns - going dark to avoid confrontation / truth-telling - lying to avoid reality. why? when are other instances of lying? Patrice? Abby? - manipulation of me, very effectively, by adopting what i need to hear. e.g. "this is not one of my freak-outs" well, no, thats because you have a date instead of our date (as happened the night of Salman Rushdie, which you agreed to on Sunday, and then on Monday, there she was and he was ducking) - inability to govern yourself. at what point would you have changed your behavior? no point. you apologized, but repeated same. - potential for future resentments and silent treatment used as tools of emotional manipulation. these are grave concerns. Yes, I want you, I do. These concerns are in writing to help me protect myself when you show up again.

End of Day 3 My girls brought him up today: why doesnt he come over? As on thursdays he would sometimes join us for dinner. I said "B's in TX." "Oh, did he go to break up with the other girl?" I just shrugged. They have so much faith in him. I said "Truth isn't true until its demonstrated." One said But he's demonstrated it so many times! They are so convinced he is in love with me, as would be natural for them based on what they have seen. It makes it harder for me to believe what the ENA community is telling me in no uncertain terms: Don't take him back. He's a mess. So, I am working on that idea now, that I will not be taking him no matter what. Oh, and a SUCCESS story: I did NOT send an article to him today that is relevant to many of our discussions.

Day 3 I still can't sleep properly and my new obsession is trying to figure out if I even want him back. Correction: What can I do so that taking him back can be a good idea? How can someone lie like that? I know this means I should leave him even after he comes back. Isn't there a way? Making casual dates to create a new dating network. Ugh.

End of Day 2. My friends are sending me pitiful email. They were over this guy (on my behalf) months ago. I think I am an apologist. Why have I accepted such character flaws? Because I understand them. Thats not enough. I am still obsessing, but at least I am obsessing here.

Dang. Sorry JG.

Maybe being without me you feel relief? Ugh.

I have learned much: one, that I am not in control and that's okay. two, that I CAN manage a relationship. three, that I HAVE to set my own rules. What I still am wondering, is, IF you were to come back to me, and I know, I should not even think this, but if you were, what would I do? When you were with me, you were as close to what I want as I have felt in a long time. LONG time. But there are major red flags here. Your YouTube vitriol, your capacity to lie, your capacity to treat me disrespectfully without feeling ashamed of yourself. these are MAJOR RED FLAGS! Why do they not bother me? Why do I feel, in my private self, that I would accept these about you? Because I remember the night you came over at 10, sat at my dining room table and wrote out two pages of step by step guidance for my daughters homework, talked with me, and then left. I remember how you taught one to ride a bike in 10 minutes, something her father could not accomplish all year but said he did. I remember how we rocked out all the way to the beach. Who lets me rock out like that? Everyone wants me to turn it down, or is simply amused at how music takes me over. You, you get it. You like the same stuff. You played drums for me. I remember how you taught the other new moves in lacrosse. The result? She is the only among her friends to make the elite team, not even the daughter of the man who played for stanford. the way your eyes crinkle at me when we are with them. Like you couldnt be happier anywhere on the planet. the night we played chess on your balcony, smoked cigars, and talked about public health care policy, iraq, and the view of the airport. I really really want to remind you of these things, knowing that this weekend Ann will be trying to keep you and that you will be -- who knows -- probably just going along to get along and having great sex. You have known her since you were 12. You and your brother dont speak. Your mother is nuts. She is, kind of, all you have. I SO get it. I feel like I am sending you into battle ill-equipped. But, it takes two. I can't coach you through this, and I can't even know that you want me in the end. I think you want my friendship only. Who was the poster here who said not to hold your hand through to the end? She was right. I hope you are missing me and finding your resolve. And if you do, I hope I then find the right thing to do with you. Argh. I just dont know if I should run away.

Day 2 This is SO the right thing to do!

Him, with my translation: "My heart tells me that you are much better for me romantically. But I also know I don't want to lose either of you as friends. ["I want to sleep with you. But Ann MAKES me sleep with her. What do I do? How about I sleep with Ann and call you later?" You *******. Just submit to your dom, and don't be a cheater.] I let my feelings of a lack of permanance [sic] regarding my overall situation here cloud my mind and seriously damage my friendship with you.['I assumed you were just a temporary thing, and as such, did not deserve basic politeness or respect.' So you missed the lesson that respecting others is just a reflection of how we respect ourselves? Where's your mother? Oh yeah, she's on meds. Sorry.] And now I am pretty scared that what I did was irreparable. [Gee, ya think?] I am trying to sort it all out. ["I'm afraid to tell you the truth. Are you sure I can't sleep with you AND sleep with Ann?"] I know I definitely need to have a long "State of the Union" talk with Ann. [No time like the present! Or maybe, last winter when you embarked on your two-faced journey might have been the time?] I guess I am just hoping that while I figure it out, that even if you distance yourself from me, you won't up and move away, put my email in your "Spam list", or ask your mobile carrier to permanently block my phone number. [Nah. Why bother. I look forward to hearing your rationalizations when you gather up your nuts and try to return to the nest.] This is my "beer" of the day. Thank goodness for this forum!