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IAmFCA

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Everything posted by IAmFCA

  1. IAmFCA
    I think you are pretty deeply invested in her, and loyal, and thats what love is, and so you have earned the right to put yourself out there for her. Your motivations sound balanced and I think you are in a good place for this conversation. I am sorry for the hurt that will follow. I read your post elsewhere and you guys had a lot on your plates. Maybe she got overwhelmed by the reality of life choices she was about to make. Tread lightly, maybe write a letter and hand it to her while you are there? Good luck with this.
  2. IAmFCA
    OK 15, you stunk. I had a date on Saturday. I have a date tomorrow. I have a fun new email. I identified the degree to which he was a scoundrel, a lout, an unprincipled, dishonest, rotten, self-serving leech. And yet, I missed him anyway. I am done with you.
  3. IAmFCA
    Hi vb What are you hoping to gain from NC? It would take me more than one BU convo to recover after 5 years together, so I cut you slack however you choose. I have several words of caution, though. ONE is, you can't fix her, and she will think you need to fix you. Probably both are true, of course. If I were her, I would want to know: didn't YOU miss intimacy in the past year? Didn't YOU miss having fun together? Were you going to take responsibility to making the relationship better? TWO is, after a year of distance, there seems to be a better than average chance that her friendship with New Guy was blooming during that same year. He may not be as new as you think. THREE is about the depression diagnosis. And, so? I feel like you are saying, once she is better, she will come home. If she is in need of therapy, medication, etc, she will need to take responsibility for it. I do hear in your voice concern for her; the change seems sudden. But, after a year of distance, maybe its not so sudden for her. After reading this, and considering your motivations, what do you think is best for you?
  4. IAmFCA
    You sold me a fantasy. Why? Did you sell yourself the same? I like you just the way you are, although there are parts of you I find downright shameful. I didn't need a fantasy to like you. All talk. So much substance, but to no use. What a waste.
  5. IAmFCA
    Just found an email from July 18 in which you said "either the phones are all fd up or you are ignoring me." So very satisfying. Whatever it is you are looking for, I hope you find it. But first, you would have to start looking, dumbaxs, rather than getting led around by the nose. Whatever, its your nose. Take it easy.
  6. IAmFCA
    I had better keep this site open today as I am at risk of crafting a message to you. you suck. why, why, why i was so happy to be in your company, i wish i knew. you really truly took my sweet inner self and jacked it up. and you knew it. and it made you feel bad. but it didnt make you stop. and i finally have stopped it. i walked the higher ground here. we both know that too. it doesnt stop me from wanting you though. so, yes, if i were to unleash a string of your youtube language on you. it would defile me and make you blue. you have earned all of it and more.
  7. IAmFCA
    I hope you are facing a new week of work, struggling. Struggling. I hope every time you pass through my neighborhood, it hurts like hell. I hope Thursday you go out for a beer in that spot down the street, because, its on your way to your kids something or another, but really, you are hoping we walk in. You will not and can not replace me or forget me. I am too unusual for that. Struggle, my friend, struggle. Struggle your little heart out.
  8. IAmFCA
    Thank you for posting Mr. Fan. Encouragement to get to 30 VERY helpful. I am on Day 15. The process for me feels like a narrowing spiral. I have regressed into having to again acknowledge that we are not going to be together, I have regressed enough to consider contact. But I am not obsessing AS BADLY as I was, so I know I must be getting better. Will NOT contact. If I did, and if he said yes I want you, would I believe him anyway? I could send him a letter. And never know his response to it? I think it would say "I wrote you a letter and decided not to send it. So this is all you get." And then he would know I still want him. I can fantasize that it would stab him in pain, but its just fantasy. It is just fantasy. It is just fantasy. All of it, it was just a fantasy. Let it go. Am committing to have a better Day 16.
  9. IAmFCA
    Well said. I feel you. Good job with the NC.
  10. IAmFCA
    Remember.... Remember when we met at the spot down the street, after several weeks of NC; well I had been emailing you for a week, and then 2 weeks of NC. Then we met and you said, you thought it would just go away and you would let me think you were an axxxx and that would be the end of it. But I didn't fade away and it made you want to talk with me. You missed me, you thought you were falling in love with me. I listened to all that. Surprise surprise, I heard the falling in love with you part, and ignored the NC that had gone on. Perhaps the other side of the same coin is that you were trying to respect your relationship with A all along, and just couldn't pull it off. Perhaps my NC has made it easier for you. And if that's the case, and it is easier for you now: you suck. Go to hell. Take your all night phone calls, your holding hands at dinner, your work with my kids, and shove it. No, don't shove it. Put it up in a frame on your wall, and stare at it. Remember it. You worked at creating this thing you blew up. You pursued me for two freaking years. And now you don't have the courage to do it right? Please. All that crap you did was for what? A local thing while your LDR was unavailable? Disgusting, insulting, infuriating. Step off.
  11. IAmFCA
    Day 15. Having trouble starting my day.
  12. IAmFCA
    You brought me joy. Except when you didn't I will be without you for a long time. Its sinking in. I want assurance from you. Still, its best if I don't get it. Are you feeling relieved? Regretful? Focused on A? I want to know that you want me. What does it mean to you that you still want me?
  13. IAmFCA
    If you never contact me again, does it mean I wasn't all that you thought I was for you? I don't want to believe that. And, I don't think its true. But, it is time for me to acknowledge that your behavior was SO duplicitous, SO inconsistent, that maybe, maybe, maybe... maybe all you were doing is manipulating me. You knew you were leading me on, and it made you feel guilty. How confusing it must have been for you to discover that you cared. I am not ashamed. I admit, I am. I am. I gave my heart to a con man. I am ashamed that I was had like that, and I am proud that I spoke my truth. Tonight, at dinner, I came upon a new concern: first, it was good that they saw me draw boundaries. Now, if you never return, if I never pull the rabbit out of the hat with a great guy, have i only showed them that by having standards I/we/they cant get a man? A scary thought indeed.
  14. IAmFCA
    Day 14 post script Crap. For the 1st time since NC, I actually contemplated contacting him. I've been focused on processing the loss, learning to think about other things. Tonight, I wanted to reach out to him, by letter? Remind him what's good about us, what's important in life, why I want him, why he wants me and us. Crap crap crap. I truly miss his company I am keeping NC. I am SO not out of the woods. Grr.
  15. IAmFCA
    Day 14 So busy Ive been falling asleep in the daylight. I missed him pretty deeply today. Too tired to feel.
  16. IAmFCA
    Day 13, I am ready for you.
  17. IAmFCA
    No point in punishing you when you already punish yourself. Are you in the process of doing something for yourself? Are you getting your situation straight? Are you in denial?
  18. IAmFCA
  19. IAmFCA
    Day 12 ends... I am not okay. Still have him in my brain. The click on FB was slippery, I googled him again and found tonight's hateful youtube post. Why is he always so vituperative on YouTube? Anyway, it should make me further disgusted, but it doesn't. Must resist FB and Google. MUST.
  20. IAmFCA
    You are an enigma, and you are brilliant. I like that. Still, you are a disease. You have planted some sort of organism in my person that acts as your conduit, a maggot you have left behind. You disgust me, yet when I see you, I see an innocent child and a highly competent man. Why do you leave such slime in your wake.
  21. IAmFCA
    For each of us, its kids weekend. Will you be at lax tomorrow? I FORGOT about that possibility. Notice that? I FORGOT. HA.
  22. IAmFCA
    No. You care about the ex, but maybe the ex doesn't care about you? Ex doesn't deserve to hear the greeting then, and won't appreciate it properly either. Sorry. Just let it go. If, on some later date, ex throws it back at you "why didn't I hear from you on my birthday?" just shrug. "it didnt seem appropriate" is enough.
  23. IAmFCA
    Dear Mr B Must I admit to you my fantasy of you showing up at my door and us greeting one another with a passionate kiss, you giving me the sincere face, and me stopping your advances mid-kiss? Me looking to you to tell me, show me, make me believe that you are back, mine, and for good? Rather, I think I will keep this fantasy to myself. It will fade. Your memories of me, they will not. You have nothing like me in your life, you missed me when you were 5, and you don't know what to do about me now. Your exW is marrying and moving, your FWB is easy but unsatisfactory, your kids are aging, your lease is expiring, and you presume me still here, whenever you decide to look. You will deny me in your memory, but I will return, like a good dream you can't run away from when having a temper tantrum. And that is all I will be, a dream.
  24. IAmFCA
    Day 12 I am going to be okay. Found someone to go with me to the show on Saturday. Which is to say, someone who seems to be worth bringing. Reported B's hate speech to YouTube. Not out of anger or spite, but because it is the right thing to do. Am thankful that my own anger and spite is subsiding. Found a new logic today: He knows that to date me is to choose a path away from anger and towards acceptance. I doubt he is ready to take that journey, to find that good within himself. By this construct, he cannot be with me and it is part of why he has struggled. By this construct, I felt today a whiff of a new thing. As if I could play with him as friends, without wanting to date him, because I can see that he chooses to be damaged. That new thing I felt is a load of garbage. But I felt it like a wisp blowing in the wind. I think it signals tendrils of acceptance. I am not at all through with him. Of late, I have been letting myself look at his FB page, which is blissfully stagnant to my eye. Must be vigilant as the fog lifts.
  25. IAmFCA
    Rock on Einstein!
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