IAmFCA

PS It turns I don't actually want a bf. Thought I did. It seems I just wanted you. Everyone, without exception, thinks you're an axxhxle. Why does that not bother me? I wish I could have you in my corner. Oh well. At least I have me.

Writing to you again, more like blogging to you about you but thankful you will never see it. There are so many layers that I am shedding, including the memory when you basically said, You deserve what you are looking for, and I am not that guy. You have not ever been compelled to keep me, ever. Indeed, I will not hear from you again and may not see you at lax. Maybe you will work it that you go to cheerleading and skip out of lax so as not to run into us. Really? So you are like a man-drug, stepping in to fill the role and deliver the experience, then moving on to the next patient? I mean, that's really how you think of yourself? Puh-lease.

Hang in there AL, it ends, I swear. Dont go backwards, you will just have to start all over again. Stay the course. It gets better.

Couldn't write the rest of what I started while on my phone, but it is as I first said back in May: you work so hard to overcome very weakness, to be able to control every opponent, but you have missed the forest while perfecting each tree. In the end, you are a coward, unable to man up for what is right, to treat yourself and others with respect and integrity. It makes your superlative talents such a tragic waste. Walking around with this chip on your shoulder, when you might have chosen forgiveness and generosity. Do you know my girls have actually chosen someone else over you? Do you know why? Because they figured out that you don't care. Their example? That you would tell stories inappropriate for the table, at the table. It just shows that you are not concerned for the comfort of your audience. I love and respect them for that wisdom. I wish you had the same.

My new man (even if I am resisting ) says he hates you, because he can see the pain you caused in my eyes. He says he could care less about fighting rules, would grab you by the *****, and say Now apologize to the lady." Then he would ask me and the girls to walk away, because "I'm about to get my *** kicked and I don't need you to see that."

You know what? I fell for you hard. I want to fall again. It was a gas. I have work to do. So do you. I have not let go of the impossible, that our work will make us more compatible rather than less. Its pitiful; I believe I am on your mind, when I suppose I am not. It really doesn't matter. I have work to do. Are you learning anything at all?

Day 30. Still morning. Rather than feel celebratory today, I feel introspective, and truthfully, I feel weak. I fear I have to let go of someone else today, and I am having a day of "who am I, where am I going?" Probably, this is what I needed to do all along. If I were still involved with the ex that brought me here, I would have been heartbroken today. Its a long weekend, and yet we would somehow NOT be enjoying it together. That was his specialty, being absent at times like this. I am very glad to be through with that and I wish I would find something else as similarly compelling. Today I start with me.

Day 29 Over you, mosly. Still think of you when faced with the opportunity to be close with someone else. No biggie that will change too. You missed something good. I maybe dodged a bullet.

Day 28. I am going to be over you. I can tell. Yee ha! Will I get someone better? Don't know. Don't care. I get it now, I got it, I am over it. YAYAYAYYAYAY.

OMG I think I am over you.

I am looking at your picture, and saying "liar, cheater, manipulator" to help me remember. That's not the outcome you wanted but its one you knew you would deserve. How insulting.

screw you. unless right now you are struggling in your relationship. unless right now you are thinking, damn that was something special. unless you are thinking, i need to get squared away and then go back and get that back on my radar screen. anything else is just not good enough.

Day 27. Yay, 30 is almost here. Am I stuck on him? Yes. Am I moving on? Yes. Somehow, these two will no longer be in conflict, some day. I will know I am in the clear when I run a race and it doesn't occur to me that he should know. When I am so firm in what I require that I become appalled at how little he offered. When I can say, yes, I understand how he got to be who he is, but that doesn't mean I have to accept that into my life. Right now? I don't think I would accept it. But I haven't been tested. And when I see a picture of him, I still see the man that could turn me inside out like nobody's business, and keep me completely engaged when in his company. I accepted a lot of fatal flaws just to have that full-on engagement. With many if not most, I feel like I can sort them out with only half of me paying attention. Not with him. Oh heck what does it matter. He is a liar and a manipulator. His capacity to care is limited. Let it go already.

Day 26 So, let me get this straight. You will do whatever she lets you do, not what your own conscience permits. You will lie to buy yourself room to maneuver. You are smart, talented, sexy, agile, and well-paid. So I don't get it. Who owns you? I SO dont want a liar cheat weasel who doesnt have the ability to stand up for himself when it comes to relationships. I almost feel like I could be your friend, try to understand you better. You are so ready to dismiss your own needs, oddly. Then I remember your weasel behavior and I wonder. Then I think how being friends with you would ruin my relationship with R and I won't sacrifice that for a friendship of questionable value. I can't shake the instinct that your fb cover pic is a smoke signal. Worse, if I am right, I get it. I hate that I get it. I just can't shake you baby, even as flawed and hateful as your behavior is. I dont know how much space Ann permits you. I hope with me off the field she moves in close and scares you to bits. I wonder if you have scared up some new strange for your quiet weekends at home. If so, it wont be as compelling as I. I hope you are hoping we will bump into each other. Screw you, btw. You fd me good and I am paying for it. There is no honor in that. Shame on you and your honorable veteran soul.

I had a rare opportunity to describe you today, and this what is below is built off what came out: You, like most anyone I have ever fallen for since college (excepting my spouse), are extraordinary. You have a broad range of challenging skills in your quiver, you are talented, you are driven. For better and for worse, you responded to the violence in your life by learning to dominate. I miss you. I do. I want you. You know what? I loved the way you loved me. But not the way you lied and not the way you left. Except on that last day, when you knew you were going and you were, in a way, already gone. I have a man who loves me now, poor thing. Because he has fallen and he is fighting for "us" while I am fighting for "me" with a little bit of him on the side. I feel like you. But I don't lie, I don't give him intimacy, I shut him down all the time. I don't want to be you, to him. But I do want you to be him, to me. Meanwhile, you have her. Really? I still do not accept it, even though it is now some 18 months old. Really? Maybe when I see you my question isn't Hows Ann. Maybe my question is So, do you have what you want? Well do you? I dont think you do. But if you say yes, then I will say I am glad for you.

Day 26 started with a call from my friend, who is in love with me, whom I have kept at bay to make sure I do not do to him what was done to me. So he was with someone else last night, and today I have the hurt feeling. I feel nonetheless compelled to walk down this path of single-dom. This feeling pretty much sucks. Me being alone won't make my favorite cad come back to me any sooner, nor will it make me feel less pain at giving away a man who would be there for me for the rest of my days. It WILL help me know myself, and that is more important than anything.

I am thinking of you when you've not earned it. I will stop thinking of you shortly when I begin to acknowledge that you two are probably together again this weekend. Ewww.

Day 25 2nd post: Getting harder as Day 30 nears, perhaps because after Day 30, I stop posting, which is like breaking up all over again. Kind of looking forward to Day 30 for the same reason. I can't shake this feeling like another shoe is going to drop on this topic, and it is distracting me healing and moving on. What is this other shoe? I have the power to close the door so that I wouldn't even notice the shoe when it falls, but I won't. There was so much in common, and so much that was a negative force. Must resist the negative force. Must choose positive. Must choose positive. Must must must protect me, support me, do what is in my best interest. GD he was fun. But did he look out for my best interests? Most certainly not.

Day 25 is just beginning but as I wake I want to make note: last night r said "he has a piece of your heart, even though he doesn't deserve it, and he always will." Maybe I just accept this, know that a piece of me is walking around out there, and let it be.

Sometimes I come to this page to talk to you. Sometimes I come to talk about you. Tonight, its both and oh how my small self wishes you would hear me. As I was writing, it struck me that maybe, oddly, that cover pic you posted is a message. It could be, it couldnt be, who knows. If it is, I dont want to hear it. Tell me what I need to know in person, definitively. And so here is what happened. my girls said tonight "you kinda already dumped him mom" abotu you, though I have never said anything. and they have noticed the attention i am getting and receiving from R. And they have noticed something totally different, about the way R communicates with them. This is all well beyond my expectations, particularly since i have never ever ever kissed R, only hugged him once maybe. But I come home, and they jump up and down like pogo sticks and among the comments they make is this one: you should drop B and be with R. At least R cares about people. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA And you know what? They are right. Anna went on during dinner about how you tell your stories but you dont really care. He doesnt care about us, she says. She wasnt even hurt or anything, it was more a statement about your character. She said "He doesnt communicate. He doesnt show his feelings." Are my girls brilliant or what? Somewhere, in your heart of hearts, I hope you are picking up a vibe a learning something. One day, maybe I will be your friend, maybe I will teach you. But first, you have to show me that you value the lesson. I know you do, and I know it scares you to bits. You have seen and meted out death. You have killed in close range. I know. I wish redemption for you. Now, you are a user of life. Its just so... meaningless.

OK, what is giving me anxiety is this: I am enjoying my single-ness, I am also enjoying the love being gifted me by someone, and I am not ready to close the door to you. And you are there, complacent in your path, knowing I likely have an open door. you have been willing to give me up, before, and you are more willing now. Or so it would seem. Your timeline, if there were one, is much longer. I need several months at least, just to be at the start of your timeline. Your emotional transitions can be very slow. It is not as if I am waiting for you, but it is, isn't it. I have to admit that I am wanting the door to be a bit open. I am, with this writing, admitting that to myself. When I think on this topic, I think how you missed it, how I missed it. In my gut, I do not see her as well-suited for you, but I could see you taking the easy path, which is not honorable. I still see me as well suited for you, IF you were interested in actually feeling love for someone. If I am compelling to you, you will discover it over time. Nothing else will be reliable for you. I do not know what markers I can provide to help keep myself on your radar screen, and I admit I wish I had a few. At the same time, I am learning to stand back. It sounds corny, but growing up I always took peace in knowing that if it is God's will, he will provide. I am just going to stop, and let life unfold for a bit. This is a huge challenge for me and I believe it will pay off huge.

Day 24. This is becoming troubling, this bit of an open door. It indicates to me that I have not recovered all of my power. I know why. He is so damn talented and his talents could take us anywhere, on any day, at any time. I want those talents. But do I want them at the expense of character? I have a dear man telling me that he wishes to stand in church next to me, for his lifetime, yet I am distracted by the possibility of some major epiphany. This is a self-destructive thought pattern and it must stop.

When I see you, these are the important details: Hows Ann? No, actually I have no desire for a boyfriend. So, did the girls move to Indiana? What are you going to do?

Day 23. I am steadily moving on. He remains inside me somewhere. I have this feeling like he will show up again. I am not over him. But I have recovered my power. Of note: I do not ask myself "What does he think of me?" Who cares. I do ask myself "Why do I still have an open (if only slightly) door for such a questionable - distasteful - character?"

Day 22 I cant believe I am still looking for him over my shoulder. Go away! I can still see him in my bed, it isnt painful, it just is, like the weather. I dont want to see him, but I do want to know that he is distracted by me. He assumes I have gotten a new bf, that i want a bf, but I dont. I thought I did too. Turns out, I just wanted him. Oh well. He showed me such an ugly side of himself, I dont know how I would responsibly have him anyways. But I wish he would grow and change and come back to me. In like, a day. Ha.