IAmFCA

45 days Finally can get turned on by someone else. Finally. I should say, just the idea of someone else. Still have a weird fantasy of asking him out for a beer just to feel the frisson, any may do it yet. But setting up little barriers: won't call till after vaca and tan - that is my next barrier. That takes me to the end of the month, and just before he heads out for the race. So that is my next question: do I actually call before Feb is over? I don't know, but I haven't done it yet. 45 days. A long time, it once seemed. Now it seems like not long at all. Everyone, everyone, likes the new guy. Nobody, nobody at all, misses the old guy, except for me. And I am struggling to give over to the new guy. Argh. Baby steps.

Three things to remember, lest I contact you: (1) I want to use you for an escape, which is not the same as wanting you, (2) I must not do anything until I see a therapist, so that I will not want to escape perhaps and (3) usually, when I begin to really want to contact you, you also are resisting same. If I hold strong, this dynamic will solve itself better than if I take action now. I admit that with my revelations of today, I have considered your purpose in a whole new light and I rather wonder if I should use you for my own purposes. I know that I could have taken that path at one time; I am now trying a different route. You? Yes, there is a shoe. I can't shake that feeling. You have boxed it up, I know. But you know the shoe is out there and you are just waiting for it too. I think you will muck it up; have her with you, not show. I think you are running from the shoe.

Respect for myself is the only barrier I have that keeps me from calling you. What keeps you from calling me: pride, and no intensions for me. Fundamentally you have accepted that we will never speak again. If you accept that, then I should as well. Still, isn't this just your habit of cutting everyone out?

Okay, ITIC, you keep think you want to send him a message. Just what would you say exactly. What, really, do you have to say? "Nothing" Yeah that's right, nothing. But you keep saying you might you might. So if you did what would it be. Well for one, it wouldnt be a message that he can ignore, ruminate over. No. It would be a phone call. BB Umm hey ITIC Hey. Wanna meet for a friendly beer? BB I dont think thats a good idea. ITIC Ok, Well, then, I will just wish you well and go on about my merry way. BB Thank you for calling. ITIC Yup. Bye cheerful voice OR .... BB: Um sure, Thursday you said? ITIC: I was thinking we could meet at XXX pub nearXx that way its a direct shot home for each of us... ? Then at beer: topics: him: moving, kids lax, IN, work project yay. me: having fun, running is going well, putting up good numbers at work, drums perfect for anna, FL, back to LA in May. Happy. If he asks do I have a bf, I say nope, dont want one. Who knew. Then I can ask, how is life for you in BF-land? And then, should either of us pose the dreaded friends question: I don't know. But if we figure it out, it could be a rich friendship. And if its voicemail? Hey, calling to see if you are up going to get a friendly beer. And what happens afterwards? What does this feel like? Well, it feels like game playing. It feels like, hey, does she really have her hooks in you? For now, or forever? It feels like, Huh, whats that all about? Yeah, no.

42 days. still healing. getting better.

Tonight, my new future ex bf said that he hates you. Hate is a strong word filled with passionate emotion, he said, and he uses it carefully, and he hates you. He hates how you played me and left me damaged. He hates how he took a - and then he listed the longest string of compliments about me - person and hurt her, and are laughing about it now. Well I don't think you are laughing about it, no. But the rest of it, they are words I had said myself, how you are not a man but a coward. That a man holds himself accountable, that a man does not start what he can not finish. All of the words he spewed at you, they are accurate. He said, "I hope I never see him because I would have no problem knocking him the f out. And I know that he would kill me, because he's a bad asx, but I would get in a couple of good licks." This is all for retribution, to get back at you on my behalf. Also maybe because you ruined me for him, and he is in love with me for sure. All of that anger that he has? I don't share it. I should, or at least I should know that someone of your questionable character is way beneath me. But I don't. I do, thankfully, have the good sense to not contact you. I do, thankfully, have some sense of pride and respect for myself, and working to protect that, if only for myself. But I have not closed the door on you. I have not said to myself, nope, never, not in a million years. Rather, I still have a fantasy that after you and A break up, that somehow I will float back into your vision front and center, and you will embrace me into that center that you keep safe. This fantasy is amusing. It is obvious that you intend to maintain a holding pattern until the two of you each are free of your parenting obligations, and then you will reconvene in a new city together. Well, bully for you. I am off to a therapist to help me restore my trust in myself, restore my instincts so that next time I fall in love, it will be with someone who respects and loves me and holds my heart safely in his. I wonder how my thoughts of you will evolve, and whether I will finally spew you out as sea water from a rescued lung, able to breathe once freed of your killing presence. And what of the scar tissue left behind. Will I breathe freely? You, sometimes, would look at me and say almost in tragedy "You really are sweet." Seemed a moment of recognition of your own guilt. Yet you carried on, storing your guilt in a crate under the bed never to be seen again. Yeah, I am sweet. But I would make you cheat on her in an instant, if I indulged my desires. I can still feel your hands on me, I can still see you in the dark, I can still see your back at the Mayflower. And so I keep away from you, lest I make my desires known. Why? Because I will not use my body as a weapon, as a scythe to cut down food for my ego. I have a sense of dignity that would well become you. Do you know I think less of her, because she is with you? Because she lets you talk about your sex, brag about it? On FB? As if nobody else on FB has any? Because she grabbed you as hers as if by force, not by will, using your friendship as blackmail? I think less of her, because she accepted your standards and is imposing hers on you. I do not think less of you, because I knew these things about you in the first place; you already are low. Then why oh why would I think you are good enough for me. Really.

PS I just broke someone's heart, and mine too, because he fell in love with me like I fell in love with you. What an awful feeling.

So, I am hitting the gym and I am going to get help for my ADD and I have been told I exhibit signs of PTSD leftover from the time of the divorce, the move, the near annihilation. I am fixing me. I realize that I need to fix me if I am to attract what I want. I recognize so much about you. I have an odd meta meta conversation happening in my head. You do not want me to contact you because you want to be able to respect me. Somehow though, I think I could penetrate you, still. I know I know, you are making a display of your relationship status. Its the display that is my tip off. Why display it, really? So, in my mind, I need to heal, take control, and find someone who is engaging as you were. Along the way, I might find a way to be friendly with you, so you can build trust in me. That's the only way, but its not the way today.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think I want to call you up but then I imagine having nothing to say. Awkward! And I imagine how much etter it will be to see you later, not now. And better for it to be happenstance. When I wasn't crying I was full of smiles. When I wasn't judging you I was wanting you. I like it, inside your inner sanctum.

Really? "I don't want anyone to own me?" Have you yet to make a single friend outside of her hometown? What are you doing with your life? Here is what it looks like... waiting out your time as a parent, and hers, until afterwards you and she can pick up and move somewhere together. What a fng ******* you are to hide behind your truth. Or maybe you don't even know.

Having a weird brainstorm for those of us in NC who are thinking of breaking it. Why do we use text? Why not just phone the person up? I read "no response to my text" and "strange text" -- wouldn't a phone call be better?

I love that my NC started on an even number, so now its easy to count. 39 days. Don't know if its the new guy, the ridiculous harry met sally fb references, the blessings of time, the little observations that are trickling in from my subconscious to my conscious musings - about how he often made himself the center of attention even around my girls or how he is generally vulgar as evidenced by fb. Or maybe its that i am working super hard and recovering my sense of self.... whatever it is, i can feel a new layer is gone. I may be over him, or nearly so. my date this weekend will be a good test. please Lord let me be rid of him, he who is not my friend or my champion!

OK, I shared your Harry Met Sally matching profiles with three friends. Two who tried to tolerate you as a gift to me, and one who wants to maim you for hurting me so bad. Sorry, its a fair a jury as I could find. One: Why are looking at fb? I mean, who cares but you don't have time. Two: That is so corny and cheesy, that doesn't even sound like him. To my protest that the posts were all about sex, Yeah but it still its about the whole relationship. Its still really corny. What would make someone do that? Three: Does it bother you that he used to make you hot, or that he's gay? You know, I just don't want to accept that you are as immature as you are. It is such a tragic flaw, and somehow I want you anyway. I suspect I will end up finding a way to be friends with you. But I have to stop being disgusted by you first. And you are probably not allowed to be friends with me. She owns you.

New question to remember to ask you when we finally bump into each other: "So how is it going for you in boyfriend-land?" If we have a conversation, then I can ask whether the girls moved to IN, how did all of that work out for you. Just to make conversation. I have to write this down, because when I think of seeing you, I realize I have nothing to say. Gotta remember, so that I don't just look at you like you are driftwood or something. Do I want to be in contact with you? Friends with you? Maybe?

Really? Harry Met Sally? So now I am just part of your frigging movie? It really does make me lose my appetite. Yuck.

Its been 38 days. He and his gf have posted complimentary fb profile pics. He's Harry. She's Sally. Oh puke. I care. I want to message him "Really?" I find the fb helpful in putting it in front of my face. Gotta move on. Actually wondered if I would be friends with him and if I would have sex with him just so I could be satisfied that he cheated on her. That's disgusting that I would think that.

Yesterday she made her profile picture Sally and you made yours Harry. Ugh. Really? A whole new layer of letting go is beginning. Could there be a cornier fb post? Doesn't seem like you. Yuck. Ugh. Eww. Whatever. I accept you are happy and will end up married. I hope it blows up magnificently.

Cool. I get that. I am at 37 days, not as far along as you, and I am stronger and more self-aware than I was. Still, I am having urges to reach out for reasons that I can not articulate. Just waiting them out.

and again. I am not learning a lesson that is right in front of my face. I have an example of a "man", someone with integrity and commitment to his word. Someone fearless and ready to put his loved ones first. A man who wants to provide profess protect. Here he is, ready willing and seemingly able. And I am thinking about you. When my mind is empty it wanders to you, not to him. WTH, B. This is just ridiculous. If you wanted to be friends with me, then I would share with you my journey. You dont give a wit about my journey. Only except as to judge my suitability for you, or lack thereof. I know you were hoping to be friends. I havent heard a peep from you. I dont know how you intend to initiate a friendship. You correctly understood my subtle rejection of friendship. The other shoe will drop, somehow, sometime. I am not ready for you, yet. But I will be, when you show. I wish I could appreciate the importance of what you are not, so that I can appreciate the importance of what someone else is.

I have cheered for you in the past... and I am glad this went well.... Now I am worried. Are you okay? Can you keep your center strong and stay light on your feet?

i really want to contact you for some reason. I have nothing to say. WTH Going to bed. Too dangerous being up.

Dxamn you. I can feel how I should have left you before it started. I can feel how you strung me along. I can feel how incredibly cowardly you acted. It makes me want you less, in a way, but in a way, it doesn't impact me at all. What is up with that? Tonight on my run I imagined myself running out of your sphere, running away from you, running out of reach of you. It made me smile broadly. I deserve you, and I deserve you to be in love with me. I wish you were here now, enjoying the quiet of the snowy night and the girls in bed. Funky jazz is on, Baileys is in the glass. I hate you for judging me, for not appreciating me. You should miss me, even as a friend. Not many others get you the way I do.

Yes, but it takes two.

Its been 34 days (easy to count based on the calendar date) and I am glad to have not had any contact. But what is happening now is I am less vigilant, and more open to the idea, causing my mind more opportunities to list all the reasons I am happy to have had NC. Came here to log this undertow.