IAmFCA

I came here already not wanting to talk to you. But I am here as an indulgence. I began to feel safe today. I began to feel I could talk to you, sometime soon, and treat you as if you are human (which you are not). I began to feel my strength, and to know that this time, if I had you in my sights, I would also have let you go. You would not have succeeded this time around. I don't know whether you have committed to her, I suspect not; I don't know whether you think of me, I suspect you do. But not deeply, perhaps with lust not love. I really have no idea. Who cares? When you see me again I will not be the same. I have not, by any means, gotten over you. I don't know if I ever will. But I have gotten my sea legs back. Shock to you: I have no desire for a bf. You completely, wholly, fully missed the boat on this one. You know what? I hope at work, your colleague Lisa asks about me. Hahahahahahaha. I like her. And she thinks your nice. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Eventually, I will see you as low as you see yourself. Pity. Well, I am off on my merry way. Looking for you lurking about, because I feel you in my space somewhere. I am not sure where you are, but in the past, when I had this feeling it meant you were struggling and about to contact me. You will not give in this time, but I feel you here. You silly, silly boy.

Day 21. Think of him as always, but woke actually glad to be single. I could see now how I could put him on rotation. A dangerous place to be. So I will not wish for him in my dating life. Point is, it is nice to feel the joy of singlehood.

Day 20. Flowers from an old and chaste suitor, a Grammy invite from a new suitor, yet at my heart of hearts, my interest still is misplaced. I thanked properly for the flowers and declined the Grammies. Its past time for my homework to be done. And yes, I admit that I am glad to have not heard from him and wish I would hear from - glad not to have my resolve tested, glad to have more time before I am naked before him, as I am to him and he to me regardless of our state of dress; wanting validation, which I can provide myself. Regrettably, still have a very palpable physical memory, which I do not choose to invoke but it shows up on its own. So annoying.

Thinking about you is getting tedious. The timing was bad, I was in mourning and didn't know, and I get it. I am not absent anymore and I would like to try you again. Also though I want to be cherished. Truth be told I wish I could have you and be cherished at the same time. That's the honest truth. How can I give myself to someone else while that is true? And yet, the interest is not mutual. So I need to let it go. Only in release will the answer come. I will see you. I may well see you both. I suspect your fb post was a bit of whimsy but you are both too crafty to have left it at that. You know what you're doing even if its not your motivation. So lets have our little fb 3-way. Whatever pal. I feel strongly that we will see each other in April or may, not before, and our meeting will simply demonstrate how over it is. The funny thing about life is we can't live the future until it becomes the present. I have this anxiety of wanting to run into you and just get it over with. I know that later is better. I know that I will be better. You will be more entrenched with a I suppose. Why not? She has absolutely committed herself to making this work. But have you? I wish I knew your heart. I don't k ow if you have committed yourself out of love or fear. Bye. You were my sexy smart adventure. I will miss you.

Oh, and your complementary fb pages are really fng adorable. Thank you. For making sure I am up to speed. Should I post a grammies photo next? You are a tool.

Its the start of day 19. I am angry. Angry that i didnt take upper hand, angry that he rejected me, angry that I let myself receive him. Day 19 and I am angry.

So, the two of you went to Disney. Screw you. I really don't ever ever want to see you again.

So here's the thing. You missed it. You had me in my era of sadness and you missed it. You saw the beauty and youvfelt the rawness and you know the fun. But you missed the big picture. I am it. I am your future. You have no idea.

I had such a strong vibe on the train this morning that I googled your contact information. It would appear you have already established an address north of me by two train stops. I don't think you needed to move out until May, but your landlord had contacted you pretty early, so maybe you cut a deal to move now. Yeah, that's awesome. This would have worked out great together, don't you think? oh well, you know, except for that GF thing you got going on. Well, whatever. Where you live now is of no consequence to me. You fd it up, and if you didnt, your turn of events would be something to celebrate for us both. I hope you can feel that, as I am sure you anticipated just this very thing. I guess I will next see you at the movies, same as before.

I miss you today. I am not the slightest bit available to the men in my dating rotation and I am throwing them out left and right. I got on the Metro this morning and realized I may be, 6 months from now, at risk of seeing you on my regular train commute. Even better, maybe I will see the two of you together. Please please please tell me you are making a plan. (By letter post, so I don't have to actually reply.)

Day 18 Am doing okay but keep discovering how sad I am and how incredibly thorough my coping skills have been. Must fix.

have you considered that your children will discover your online behavior? when you negotiate for living here, what do you think about? do you expect to find me, later? is ann transferring here? oh how i hate you when i write that. i have not accepted her as your SO. I have not. Must I? why do i believe in you, when i have no good reason? i broke his heart today. i am going boy-less. i need to get a few things done. you.... will you ever know? i deserve to be cherished. can you?

Day 17. Broke a heart today. He is much worthier than you. Putting his heart on your tab.

And again I get the lecture. I am to believe in myself, as much as others believe in me. Indeed, if I did that, I would be very powerful, effective, and happy. Its like I have to change some deep deep vision. How did you do that? I need to envision myself happy. I need to envision myself doing what I set my mind to doing. I need, I want to accomplish something for myself. I need to do this. Indeed, this trait in you is what I admire most. This is why I fell so hard. Because you are doing it, and I am just talking. I need to stop talking and start doing. "Yes, we can" the Pres says. Ironic that you hate him. What hurts me now is the secret knowledge that on some level, you should have left me as you did. It was the right choice for us both. True, I would have loved you better than anyone else can. I dont doubt that for a minute. But could you have ever loved me? I spent 15 years married to a man who scoffed at my desire, my ambition, my hunger. He just wants to be normal, he says. I could not have made myself smaller. Did I really do this much damage to myself? It seems I did. "This is your time... Whoever says you can't - you can. Love who you want to love, celebrate what you want to celebrate. Be YOU. The only way I can break his heart, he says, is by not believing in me the way he does. I will hold you every time you fall he says. I will hold you so that you can just cry." Why has no one ever done that? Why is it that I expect to be alone? Why do I expect to console myself? Its as though nobody else is capable, or would even want to know my weaknesses and my fears. And because of my expectations, I end up with someone like you. Someone who can care for his girls but for the rest of us, only has a limited capacity to love, to cherish. I accept this from you because I was raised with it. I have never had a shoulder to cry on that didnt tell me Buck up. Never allowed to indulge. And now, you are gone, I felt love and now I feel loss, and I feel love again, and the tears are coming out all the time. I am being touched in a way you never did. Yet I loved you. Will I know when and how? And so here is a new truth: Perhaps I wish you would call for me, not to close this chapter or because I want you so well, but because then it will prove I was right. I was right to love you. But I wasn't. Whether you come back for me or not; I went against myself and let my love go to someone who didn't warrant it. I was wrong. Better to say I was wrong and learn my lesson. Maybe if I admit I was wrong I can let this go and be free to try again. I hope you have learned something, I dont know what it would be and I doubt you learned a thing. Still I hope you did. PS: Remember the other part of tonights lecture: i am choosing the easy path, not the right path. choose the right path, and it becomes so much easier. you and i both need this one.

I wonder.... where are you with God? Am I to learn from you a challenge to test and live my values? Are you the thing that I want, except for the one essential ingredient? In 2013 I have the opportunity to engage in church and do the March 24 triathlon. Can I? That should be my next hurdle. And maybe that drive is what I am to learn from you. ...?

Day 16! Lost count. This is so good for me. I am discovering how incredibly not over him I am. Very helpful to see how many layers of me still speak his name, if only I would hear them. NC is helping me see that. Also holding me back from others and that's good too. I need to just shop for awhile and not get involved.I have lots of work to do on me for me. Need to see myself do that.

I went on two dates yesterday.both worthy men. Neither made me want them like I wanted you. I know you are not the benchmark, but I wont settle for "I kinda want him." On the platform waiting for the train, I wished you would appear and approach me the way you do. Then I was mildly alarmed at my willingness to receive you. I am drawn to you, as if you supply my needs. Maybe you do. Maybe in time I will decide to come over, have my way with you, and leave you again. You do satisfy.

Day 15. I feel good and am feeling more open to the world and to others. I know, inside, that I want him back and fully committed. That is a doubtful outcome and one that can not happen for months if ever. I am okay, so okay, with that.

Day 14. I admit I wish I met him now and not then, but then I wouldn't be me now. I am better every day and each day a better self-advocate than I was the day before. I am burning through meet and greets like crazy. Tossing out all by the 3rd, 4th or 5th date it seems. Still hope I will hear from eventually but its good it hasn't happened yet.

Dang. I remembered that one of the last times you retreated, you were waiting for thoughts of me to evaporate but they never did. Will they now? Somehow, I don't think so. How long will you wait? You were not in love with me by the time we parted, it is part of what made the weekend harder. For some reason, I just think I will float back into your mind. I hope I am like a pleasant scent that just won't wash out.

I thought I would write here less, as I enjoyed not talking to you at all for that period before Day 1 began and we were not in contact. Instead, I am finding it useful to write here, to force myself to talk to you. What would I say? Well, it turns out not much. Consistently, I just don't feel myself opening up to you. Regrettably, I have not had a date with anyone with your capacity for intellectual pursuits and life adventures. I have dates with people with well more capacity than you in terms of provide and profess. And with one who had extraordinary intellectual capacity. I can't tell you that I love you, nor can I tell you that I could never love you. Rather, I could love you, if I thought it were the right thing to do. You were a fantastic playmate for me, and I wonder, do I want you as a friend? But I don't wonder often. No, not really. I wouldn't be your friend and be honest. Would I be your friend with ulterior motives? That just seems dishonest. And in what way could you be a friend to me? Every way I turn the cube, I find a side that says "no, nothing here but a few good lessons". I tried praying to God to send me the right man for me, but I had to stop because God could hear my secret hidden inner voice, one that I don't dare speak out loud. And it said And please make it that Bret is he. Now, I know God hears prayers and answers them, in His way. I have to let him show me the answer. So, until I tell God, OK, I give up. Who is it? -- only then will the right man be shown to me, or rather, will I be able to see him. So, no, Bret, I have no answers that lead me to you. I kind of hope you have a few, but I expect none. I am glad for my life lessons and am traveling on, as I must, to find my destiny. If you are in it, you will find me.

Day 13. Still know this is the right thing to do.

B I am now altogether depressed. I feel like I have no one left. Maybe I didn't choose well, maybe this is the cleared field that will now allow flowers to grow. But for me, right now, I feel like a path of destruction. I don't know if you are missing my friendship. Maybe Ann is enough. Today, I was asked at work what would I do if you knocked on my door. Well, B I really don't know. Just to have a beer with you for f's sake? I just don't think I would bother. But if you asked for a beer, maybe I would go just to see why you asked me. I wish you were here.

Day 12. A little distracted but not too much. I do wonder what he is thinking. But not too much.

Damn it. I am in bed, its late. I have pushed away two people in 4 days, which would be fine if that had been my intent. My brain is spinning and I am feeling ever more appreciative of the chaos that was me over the last year. I am wanting to meet you haphazardly and see that I have an impact. I am imagining you in my bed, not sexually, just here. I always liked you close. I am wondering about trust, intimacy, fear. I have fears I wasn't aware of. I have not wanted you to comfort me in a long time it seems. I do now.