IAmFCA

Every now and then, I am annoyed that you aren't in contact. I want to say to you I have no desire to date you, compete with your current gf, judge you, manipulate you, or somehow float in your orbit. If I met you now, we would not even end up dating; our goals are just too different. In that context, you were my last mistake. It remains that we did meet, though, and I saw how little effort you put into your friendships, which is unfortunate. I would have liked to catch up with you from time to time, hear how XX (state) is, hear what you are thinking on the business front. I can't control others, I have no interest in controlling you, or in trying to have a friendship that isn't reciprocated. My respect for you has diminished significantly, particularly as a man. But my interest in how you are muddling through remains. You have no interest in how I am doing, though, which kind of sucks. You know that I started a business, you know that I am smart as hell, you know that you would forget this in between communications. You suck, if only for your ability to dismiss me. You do not deserve what I have, as a person. I would not hire you, nor let you in my house. You suck. But you are freaking smart. Smart! And a wanderer. I would like to hear of your adventures.

To my two lost soft shoulders: I have healed much. I fear another blow may be in store. dead guy, you were an amazing gift to me, one I never could have earned over a longer lifetime with you. I am glad I did not have to self-destruct and disrespect you in your eyes. Mom, do you see now? Surely, you would not ask me to have kept him all this time, while he was already sleeping at her house?I would never have told you that, then. I was so coiled up in protecting your image of him as I know you enjoyed it. How much did I stomach so that everyone else would be undisturbed? I will never know. Too much. L, a pain so great I do not talk to you. I used to sing a song in your honor, but it made me cry every time. When one takes a life, the rest of us are supposed to say we do not understand. But I do, now. There were no benchmarks left. And that year you tried and failed, I tried to tell your mom, but she wouldn't hear it, so I stopped talking. I didn't know what to do anymore. Everyone was invited to see a therapist after your death. Except for me. I wasn't even told of it. There are several examples where I felt like the odd one out, the planning of mom's funeral, when I was asked to sit somewhere else at the meal after, the therapist, the birthday party. By the time of the party, though, I decided just to be a better self-advocate. I always was hurt that I had to be a self-advocate. Now, I think I am over it, or beyond it, let's say. And you, dead man, you wanted me to be a better self advocate in all of the years you knew me. I am not there yet, but I am evolving.

Saw you on a bike? Saw your look alike? The latter, I think. My response was instructive: I studied your face because I wanted you. (Not knowing it was you, and I dont think it was.) I wondered if you knew he was with me. I kept going. You remain part of my dna, even if I wouldnt act on it whatsoever. I didn't want you to know he was mine, though I am proud of him, because in appearance, you would presume him soft, perhaps. I didn't want to have to disrespect either of you and I didn't have the confidence to know if your mind was being kind. You would have no reason to show your feathers, and he would have no desire to show his. I am still letting you go, apparently. I googled you. Pic of you in the cockpit. A new pic to see, but no new information. No posts of you saying that you are happy, sad, mad or glad. I need to just let you go. What do I care of your happiness. grrhrhrgr I just have to accept that I won't stop caring, and get over it.

huh. maybe i loved you. i think i did. misplaced. but the aftermath of it, the residue left behind, feels like i still do. not like Oh I want you etc, but more like, I have always and remain soft in my heart for you. So, yeah, i think i loved you. And, i dont know, you hurt the hell out of me, and you wouldn't do that to someone you loved. but i think you felt love and then tried to ruin it, over and over. because i have seen how you are with your exes, and i have received none of that from you, only safety from you. Such chaos in my life. And you, irreplaceable. You would not like each other. "B, I loved you. He is not you, nobody is. Respect him, for me at least. He is a good man."

i still look at your fb and i wish i could send you a note saying i agree with your cover photo but then, also, yes, you should ponder that question. because the answer is because you are an ah, and the ah nature of you is in contrast to the simplicity of your intention. but yeah, there is a reason you are not rich, and that is it. you are ridiculously smart and i miss your steel trap brain. it was your sexiest characteristic, and what you could accomplish without your clothes on was so sexy in part because of what is between your ears. so yes, you are smarter than everyone else, and no, you are not compensated for it. and while you mean to be asking a rhetorical question, the answer is... because you're an ah. if, 5 years from now, you presented yourself to me, somehow freed of your wife and cured of your ah nature, would i reconsider you? you know? maybe. but i will be off the market by then. there will be a day when you learn that i am off the market for good, and it will matter. that is... weird. i think we loved each other. so... not what love is. it will be tragic, in a way, to have to turn you away.

dead guy, without you there is no one who would give me the clarity you had anyone i date, his life gets more complicated with me in it. it just does. you have to want kids. you have to want a turnkey family. you made me see that. you made me see it as an asset. i am dating now the only person i have met since you, who demonstrates the manners dating me that you encouraged me to require. are there really so few of you? why am i avoiding so much right now? i feel like i am about to fix it. but i havent actually fixed it.

B It really hasn't been that long. The drive home has raised you to the surface, teaching me that you still exist. Have you become part of my dna? I miss you. I am glad I don't I don't have you. I am still healing from before you. You were like a drug, making me seem healed for moments but then exposing the pain in between doses. The pain is nearly gone. I want to be loved like you did. So completely, even if your own actions were hurtful and chaotic. So intoxicating. I want to be intoxicated. How can that be healthy? Recovering from addiction is, wow, an extended process.

Hot man, I am over you like a bad cold. Its been ages, and now even when I try to find something with which to distract myself, you are not it. I am not even sure I would notice you if we crossed paths. Your hotness has become like white sugar. Looks tempting but don't want it. Bad man, memory of you improves with time. I am glad for you. Isn't it funny how we were so unhealthy, and so well suited. There is not a thing about you that scares me, nor that ever did, nor am I the slightest bit concerned about you. If you were the unknown man coming to my door of late, stopped by security each time, and you weren't, but if you were, it wouldn't have concerned me in the least. And yet you are the most potentially harmful man I have ever fallen for, and you are as gentle as a lamb. I remain feeling safe in your cosmic embrace and I am glad for it. You would pummel anyone who harmed me, which is sexy, I admit, if a little... I don't know, rough. Would you do it today? No, because your wife wouldn't let you. But if I really needed you, I would message you on fb and you would find a way to be helpful. I am taking from your presence a strength I never found before, and using it to shore myself up. Somehow, you make my world safer. I don't know why, but I know it, now, today. Thank you. Sniper man. You are not an ex. I took sex from you. You mark the beginning of my badness, and Hot Man, you mark the end of it. I am whole, now. I am grateful to all of you for being the axslkh$% you were, so that I would not choose any of you by mistake. And I am grateful that none of you hurt me, not really, when you could have hurt me substantively, economically, physically. I was truly naked with each of you, illogically so. Thank you for marking my journey and letting me pass through with only the emotional scars that I invited upon myself. Pshhhh: Rear View. And now my windshield is freaking sunshine.

Had one of those moments today when I realized I miss the passion of you. I miss your talents with language, music, aviation, math, medical issues. You bring alot to the table. Dating you is like dating a vortex, and everyone gets sucked into it. Incredibly unhealthy. I applaud my health. I could easily say to you "I want to see you." And it would be like looking at heroin. You are not attractive, you are not available, but if I said I want to see you and you showed, it would be sparks, shorting wires, the smell of burning wire, it would be flammable, it would be on. The high. The high and then the fall to Earth, and the recovery, wherein my body tries to forget yours. No, I can not see you. Ever, perhaps. Dump your wife, hold a job for an extended period of time, maintain a therapeutic relationship with a professional, and show me a transparent life. Then call me and keep me. Getting effed by men is not gay; for you, its just a way of inviting self-abuse. You are self-destructive in a most effective and unusual way. I wish you well, and I wish you light.

Mom You told me not to leave him. I am sorry to have gone against you. I think I did the right thing. God would not ask me to stay with a man who was living lying and sneaking with someone else. Now, I am struggling. I miss having the support of my family. Maybe I am just wrong about what support means. We are not the same without you. I am dating a man who believes in his privilege to be a good provider. So, he pays for dates, yes. He wants to help, yes. But he isn't sure he will ever marry. He thought he would, he told me that was his goal. Now, he is appreciating it, and he is right to wonder. He likes my neighborhood, he has the means to move us all into one house together. He would plug himself into the life I have built, or so he seems to think. Maybe that is why he wonders about marriage at all. He has a strong birth family, large like ours and very supportive and involved with one another. You would like his values. I am not sure he is right for me, but I am not sure he isn't, I am dating him to see if it will ever become clear to me. I need help. I never say that. I think saying that is healthy: an acknowledgement of what you, B, others have done for me and how I need to invest in that. I need help. first, I need to list what I need. That will help. I need a big life planning session with myself. OK.

Had a dream you asked me to your beach house for the weekend. I had a little catch while I wOrked out whether I had promised someone else (the gent? ) the same weekend away. Then it worked out I'd go with you this weekend, and then after you'd be gone. Apparently I am just through a new laYer of letting you go. Maybe inspired by me having someone on the horizon worth dating?

I am glad to have moved on from you.

I went to the GP. He said (1) I need to govern myself. And (2) I am avoiding my work because I know it will drag on and draw me in, and I have a fear of failure. I am adding: I have anxiety that I do not have enough time. I am remembering that you believed in me, thank you.

Argh. Double post. My apologies, wrong thread.

Hi B I am getting close to hiring someone. Way back when you were sick, you said maybe I need a therapist to process your imminent death, but I was busted broke and never went to one. I was fine, right? Ha, yeah. So, now, I am dropping every ball you watched me build up the strength to carry, and it turns out it is because I haven't replaced your role in my life. I am struggling learning to become my own manager, my own task master, and my own cheerleader. When I try it, I get sick and injured. I am also my own source of comfort, relaxation, and world view. The intensity of ambition and peace collide within my neck muscles and my right arm stops working. Honestly? It works when I don't have the kids. I struggle being their parent and my own task master at the same time. So: (1) I am close to hiring someone. Please root for me. (2) I am close to getting rid of the man I like: he treats me in a way that you can respect, but he is not my last man and if I had to look you in the face I would have to admit that. - In fact, I would waffle and rationalize, because I would want to hold onto him. Because I like him. Because I need and want companionship. Because I learn while teaching. But, no, you are right. I have given the keys of the sports car to an amateur and you were a professional. May I please wait a bit before I pull the trigger? (3) I am going to try out this new guy. Let's meet him first. I think you might like him. Okay okay, I heard that. I am working now. I promise.

Hi B I am getting close to hiring someone. Way back when you were sick, you said maybe I need a therapist to process your imminent death, but I was busted broke and never went to one. I was fine, right? Ha, yeah. So, now, I am dropping every ball you watched me build up the strength to carry, and it turns out it is because I haven't replaced your role in my life. I am struggling learning to become my own manager, my own task master, and my own cheerleader. When I try it, I get sick and injured. I am also my own source of comfort, relaxation, and world view. The intensity of ambition and peace collide within my neck muscles and my right arm stops working. Honestly? It works when I don't have the kids. I struggle being their parent and my own task master at the same time. So: (1) I am close to hiring someone. Please root for me. (2) I am close to getting rid of the man I like: he treats me in a way that you can respect, but he is not my last man and if I had to look you in the face I would have to admit that. - In fact, I would waffle and rationalize, because I would want to hold onto him. Because I like him. Because I need and want companionship. Because I learn while teaching. But, no, you are right. I have given the keys of the sports car to an amateur and you were a professional. May I please wait a bit before I pull the trigger? (3) I am going to try out this new guy. Let's meet him first. I think you might like him. Okay okay, I heard that. I am working now. I promise.

New idea: dating with you fully informed instead of behind your back. Ok.

TWT in fact, the list of 20 Tips includes holding your own ceremony. You are right on top of things. I am not there yet. I went to his service but I was not vulnerable there. I will likely use your example of burning a sage sprig and finding a way to let go. It is a sound idea. Thanks for the E-Hugs. First, I am deciding to be explicit about the loss of a man who was my lover, mentor, best friend, and safety net. I dated him in private because we ended up working in the same industry and because I was sensitive about a few things. And probably, because of his looks, though he deserved better from me. I am just saying it now to force myself to say it. When he passed I had no official role, I was among the people who lost someone but still expected to go to work the next day etc. That was several years ago. I went into a tail spin with chaotic relationships and isolation from work and friends. I am trying to recover it now. Its the consequence of living a lie, really. It is time for me to bare the truth, if only on ENA, and move on. Maybe others will have reasons for writing; I hope this thread spurs some people to let it go, knowing they can find those thoughts again if they need them.

Um, hi. I can not contact you. You are dead. I have been failing at work. I have been failing at work since you died, I now realize. I could not speak my pain of your death at my old job, and it had not occurred to me how much it is still affecting me. I need you. You made me work hard, you expected me to stand up to my opposition. You expected me to put everything on the line, and you let me set the price. You held me accountable to my own goals. You expected me to be an adult, to speak my needs and wants, and to satisfy yours. I miss you terribly and have not had a best friend like you, since. I went on a website today. I went on several. I asked the mighty google, Why am I failing? It led me to grief. Well, I have experienced a lot of grief, so I clicked. Most of it was... avoidance, yeah yeah. Then, it said to write the deceased. And the bells went off. I have been avoiding you something fierce. I kept you in a corner when we were together, and I kept you in a private corner as a, well, dead person. And you do not belong in a corner. You belong as a front and center gift in my life, one I never valued publicly as much as I valued you privately. A gift that got me through the most difficult, anxiety-ridden period in my life. A gift, a piece of my survival, a source of joy and self-discovery. You were, in lots of ways, nearly everything good when nothing else was good, anywhere. You are gone now. My job, now, is to do for myself what you did for me. Guess what. It isn't working. I miss you terribly and I am doing an awful job without you here. Maybe what I need is to put a picture of you in my office, where I am reminded of what you expect of me. Maybe I need to process you as with God, fighting, wanting control, getting frustrated with my behavior. You told me you were worried about me in the public dating environment. You knew I was a lamb in the lion's den. I did not believe you. I felt hardened and strong. I was so very wrong. I was naive and ignorant. After you passed, I could feel you judging my romantic (!) partners, none of whom were good enough and none of whom would have earned your approval. And you were right. But it was a feeling I wanted to shirk, because looking for someone who met your standards seemed impossible. Who could be you? Who, indeed? Well, I haven't met him yet. I finally met someone who, I think, would not offend you at least, though I am quite certain you would say he can't take care of me. Because nobody has taken care of me as well as you, ever, in my whole life. Not my father, not my exH, not any lover since. You set the standard, you. Older, physically unhealthy and unappealing, brusque in nature, of few select friends. You set the standard. And I never was good enough, in my heart, for the gifts you gave me. So how could I expect to find you again? OK that is Post #1. Post #2. So what do I do now, big guy? Huh? What do I do to get past this? I don't have you, I can't replace you. I must carry on and I must succeed. What do I do? Oh, on re-post of this I hear you growling. "Get to work." I need to find a piece of you and carry it with me. That will be my next project.

Taking a page from the Healing after breakup and divorce forum, where we can post to our exes to keep us from contacting them. That is where I first posted this. I should have posted it here. I just read a list 20 Tips to do when you are grieving, and one is to write a letter to the deceased. Well, that is when it finally struck me that I am avoiding the grief of a loss. I need to face that loss directly. I need to talk to my long deceased ex. Maybe this thread can help you too. I encourage you to post here as a place to speak freely about our deceased friends, lovers, and family members. This is a safe place to say things that maybe we don't want to say to others so as not to hurt them, or to appear mean, or to reveal information that we have been keeping private. Here, we can yell at the deceased if we need to, or we can admit that we didn't treat them well, or we can yearn for them yet again. There will be no one to shush us with an Its okay or Its time to move on. This is a safe place to say what we want to say, without reproach. __________ The 20 Tips are pasted below, for an added reference. ___________ Talk about your loss with friends, family or a professional. Grief is a process, not an event. Grief is work, requiring time and energy. The memories, meanings and fulfilled needs provided by the lost loved one take time to work through. Let yourself enter the emotions of grief. Grievers tend naturally to avoid the painful emotions. Losing someone close to you means you deserve to allow yourself to feel all your emotions - sadness, anger, intense longing, guilt and others. Consider writing your loved one a letter. Say what you would tell them as if it were your last chance. Even if you never share the letter with anyone, writing it may help you work through your grief. Resume your life but leave time and space for grieving. Life marches on for the living. But try to resist the temptation to “throw yourself” into work or other diversions. This leaves too little time for the grief work you need to do for yourself. Take care of yourself. You have been wounded. Something very valuable and dear has been taken away from you. Give yourself time and space to begin healing. Get enough rest. Eat nourishing food. Give yourself a break. Resist the temptation to use alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. These can interfere with the grieving process by delaying it or covering it up. If you have any religious inclination, consider contacting your place of worship. All religions recognize that grievers need special help. Consider taking advantage of these services even if you have not been attending regularly. You will not be turned away. Consider seeking out other grievers. Someone who has also been through grief can empathize with you, and vice versa. Organizations like Compassionate Friends or THEOS recognize the value of sharing in a group setting. Don’t feel obligated to join groups if they are not for you. The grief process is highly individual. Some people prefer solitude or reflection rather than group work. Do what feels right for you. Don’t neglect your own health. Grieving puts a heavy burden of stress on your body. It can disturb sleep patterns, lead to depression, weaken your immune system, and worsen medical problems that had been stable, such as high blood pressure. Take prescribed medications and get regular check-ups. If you suffer from disabling insomnia or anxiety, see your doctor. Sometimes short-term medication can be very helpful. Get help for severe or persistent depression. Someone once said: “grief is not a disease but it can become one.” Grief can lead to serious depression. Consider getting professional help if you feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless. Other signs of depression can include sleep impairment (too little or too much), appetite or weight change, low energy, difficulty concentrating, and feeling listless or agitated. By all means, seek professional help if you have suicidal thoughts. Grief work can become complicated. Mixed emotions (positive and negative feelings), unresolved emotional turmoil and losing someone after an argument can complicate the grieving process. Sharing these feelings with a professional therapist can help. Grief therapy need not be a long-term commitment. Even if you don't see yourself as the kind of person who seeks therapy, this may be beneficial. Anger is common in normal grieving and certainly justified when a loved one dies due to the malevolence of others. Try venting your anger in a letter. Consider channeling your anger into constructive action. Volunteer to work for causes that seek justice and prevention. Spending your energy helping someone else can help you in the process. Allow time to grieve. One to two years is not a long time to allow yourself to work through grief. We need to remind ourselves that the healing process cannot be rushed; it will proceed at its own rate. Be patient. The grieving process often includes setbacks. Don’t expect to set an “I’ll be over it” deadline and succeed. Often, grieving resumes after a time, sometimes even months or years. Reminders can trigger a flood of emotions. Don’t be surprised if this happens, and don't consider it a sign of weakness. Instead, your psyche is telling you more grief work needs to be done. At some point those who have lost a partner or love companion will face the decision of whether to be open to a new relationship. Consider imagining the situation reversed. That is, if you died and your lover or spouse survived, what would you want them to do? It may help you to see your situation from this angle. If you feel stuck in your grief, try a new approach. We are creatures of habit who learn very quickly how to avoid painful situations. However, this may hinder working through the entirety of your grief. To “jump start” the process, consider reviewing memorabilia, photos, home movies, or videos. Talk about your loved one at holidays when his or her absence is most obvious. Don’t avoid it so as not to spoil the festivities. This is the perfect time to check in with other family members about how they're doing with grief work, and share mutual support. Create your own memorial service. Celebrate their lifetime accomplishments, values, and principles. Consider carrying the torch of a cause they believed in as a memorial. Start a scholarship, plant a garden, or make a donation in their name. The grieving process has run its course when you feel weary of rehashing events and memories and finally accept the fact the your loved one can remain with you only in spirit. For some, the process never really ends; it just gets easier over time. You will know you are ready to move forward when you feel you can reinvest the energy once invested in your loved one in a new place. This takes time. Good grief means being good to yourself during the process.

Um, hi. I can not contact you. You are dead. I have been failing at work. I have been failing at work since you died, I now realize. I could not speak my pain of your death at my old job, and it had not occurred to me how much it is still affecting me. I need you. You made me work hard, you expected me to stand up to my opposition. You expected me to put everything on the line, and you let me set the price. You held me accountable to my own goals. You expected me to be an adult, to speak my needs and wants, and to satisfy yours. I miss you terribly and have not had a best friend like you, since. I went on a website today. I went on several. I asked the mighty google, Why am I failing? It led me to grief. Well, I have experienced a lot of grief, so I clicked. Most of it was... avoidance, yeah yeah. Then, it said to write the deceased. And the bells went off. I have been avoiding you something fierce. I kept you in a corner when we were together, and I kept you in a private corner as a, well, dead person. And you do not belong in a corner. You belong as a front and center gift in my life, one I never valued publicly as much as I valued you privately. A gift that got me through the most difficult, anxiety-ridden period in my life. A gift, a piece of my survival, a source of joy and self-discovery. You were, in lots of ways, nearly everything good when nothing else was good, anywhere. You are gone now. My job, now, is to do for myself what you did for me. Guess what. It isn't working. I miss you terribly and I am doing an awful job without you here. Maybe what I need is to put a picture of you in my office, where I am reminded of what you expect of me. Maybe I need to process you as with God, fighting, wanting control, getting frustrated with my behavior. You told me you were worried about me in the public dating environment. You knew I was a lamb in the lion's den. I did not believe you. I felt hardened and strong. I was so very wrong. I was naive and ignorant. After you passed, I could feel you judging my romantic (!) partners, none of whom were good enough and none of whom would have earned your approval. And you were right. But it was a feeling I wanted to shirk, because looking for someone who met your standards seemed impossible. Who could be you? Who, indeed? Well, I haven't met him yet. I finally met someone who, I think, would not offend you at least, though I am quite certain you would say he can't take care of me. Because nobody has taken care of me as well as you, ever, in my whole life. Not my father, not my exH, not any lover since. You set the standard, you. Older, physically unhealthy and unappealing, brusque in nature, of few select friends. You set the standard. And I never was good enough, in my heart, for the gifts you gave me. So how could I expect to find you again? OK that is Post #1. Post #2. So what do I do now, big guy? Huh? What do I do to get past this? I don't have you, I can't replace you. I must carry on and I must succeed. What do I do?

You, While I am quite sure I do not owe you an apology, I am just as sure that I sometimes misjudged you. We were not inconsequential, you and I, neither one to the other. I wish I could say that I had a positive impact on your life. I don't know if I had any lasting impact at all, as you were beyond my capacity to understand, then, causing me to contribute to the chaos that we each perpetuated. The chaos that distracted from the incredible highs and sustained calms we were able to create. For misunderstanding you, and therefore sometimes misjudging you, I offer my regrets. I am now grateful to have said my peace, and hopeful I have not disturbed yours. ITIC

Wow, where did this impulse come from. From my insecurity today? From not being able to find pictures of you? The addiction is back today. Like all drugs, you medicate a part of me that hurts, a part that hurt before you and hurts still. you are neither the cause nor the solution, only I have those powers. And there it is: I am wrangling with my old fear of abandonment, and your strong embrace and confident passion make that go away. I get it. No drugs for me. That was close.

Reading someone else's story, so much worse than mine. And I hear my mind wanting to argue that you have emotion, that I could see you struggle with your use of me and your care of me, in conflict, wishing I would dump you as you knew I should. Assuring me of my worth and character, trying to make sure you didn't take me down with you. And yet, isn't that all part of it? Amazing, really, the power of the mind. I danced with the devil and it was scary as hell.

I realized today that I would feel sadness on your behalf, if I were to learn that you felt regret. It would not make me want you, nor would it feed my ego as it would have earlier, when I was judging you so harshly. It would just feel sad, to know you married someone while you were still attached to someone else. I have seen happiness on your face while in her company, I know you have a sense of peace there. Still, I know you look me up, I know you were saying goodbye wistfully and now you have only your imagination. Its good you are staying on the DL on the 'net. I hope it is helping you. I am recovering from you. Haven't found anyone nearly as exhilarating, and have decided not to settle until I find someone that unleashes me - not as you did, rather, as he will, whoever he is. You once said, If I saw you walking down the street with one of those khaki pants guys I would just have to punch him... Yup, I get it. I'm moving on.