Tears May Fall

Some things dont need to be stated. Engaging in a sexual act with ANY individual other than your partner is cheating. And that should be something anyone at least by high school could tell you. There are common sense rules in relationships. Cheating in my eyes only equates to one thing = something was missing/you werent fully 100% satisfied with your partner (esp. sexually) and you went looking elsewhere for it. Occasionally people state that it happens by this thing called "accident." Thats a load of ...

Seeing it is different from finding out its going on behind on your back while your partner is away on a trip, and they tell you all theyre doing is thinking bout you and missing you and you doing the same, and they come and tell you this I can see where you are coming from, because that is the exact reason why at first i think i said i was ok with, because i was being immature thinking it was "hot" but i didnt realize how it would actually only hurt our relationship and make me feel extremely uncomfortable and disrespected. Even my thought on threesomes within the last year has changed. Every guy states that would be their ultimate fantasy, but it can actually ruin a relationship, friendship, etc. Becareful what you do, because you dont know how it can turn on you until it might be too late.

I kinda bite myself in right now because i didnt know that it would actually make me this uncomfortable her being with another female. I didnt view it so dramatically until it actually happened. I was being blind to the fact that she is trying to make her way into wanting something else on the side away from me by asking me if i was alright with that, and i fell for it. My take on it: I screwed up by not knowing exactly where the boundaries should be set and directing the script after the scene is already shot. It doesnt make a difference at this point. What happened, happened. The thing that bothers me, is only this, why did she have to go venturing outside of us? Is she just making excuses saying she only did it because i "said it was ok," or is that just her excuse to get away with murder. Did she really actually want it? Because if she wanted me, and only me (the way a true faithful relationship should be) then she the thought shouldnt have even crossed her mind to get sexual with someone else, let alone actually going forth with it. If she thought about it and let it happen, then to me, it makes me feel as though in someway or another, she wasnt fully satisfied from me. And thats the part i dont know how to get over. I could trust her on not doing it again. Its trusting that she wants me and only me and that i provide her with 100% of her needs in every way possible, and the thought wouldnt even cross her mind that she would wonder or desire it ever again. This insecurity would be what would kill me if i were to forgive her and give her another chance.

She states it was not predisposed or anything. She states it "just sponteaneously" happpened. She did not say anything before she was leaving. However in the past we had discussed this issue, and im not sure how i worded it or how she took it, but i think i might have actually stated i was ok with her doing stuff with another female, because i felt a female didnt pose a threat to me. She had made out with one of my friends gf at a club right in front of me, and it didnt bother me. But this i felt like she did totally behind my back, while she was away in another country, while im here missing her and anxiously anticipating her return. Upon returning, her greeting towards me was entirely lackluster, barely even said hi and gave me a lousy tap kiss, not even a hug. She states she had the runs and was only thinking about getting home and running to the bathroom. I dont buy this. If she really missed me, a 5 second hug wouldnt have ended the world and made her go in her pants. She didnt go the whole 30 minute drive from the airport to home. Hmm...

Thats exactly the issue here, that she clearly states that she only went ahead with it thinking that i DIDNT MIND IT AT ALL. She was under the impression that it would not bother me. I guess I wasnt so clear with what i meant or even expected when i told her i was ok with her being bisexual. I guess at first, being a guy and all, i thought it was kinda cool. I guess I didnt realize how much it would bother me until it actually happened. I didnt think another female would pose a threat to me, but now I totally do. I was never in this sort of situation. I never had a bisexual gf so i never had to worry about this. The bisexual behavior has long been a part of her life. But now she states she is willing to let that all go to be only with me. She did state that she wouldnt have just openly told me like that right when she returned if she thought i would be upset about it. She didnt look it at that way. But nonetheless, to me, its fullfledged cheating. Engaging in a sexual act with anyone but your partner is cheating. I could tell her its ok to do anything she wants, and give her the green light to do so. That doesnt mean she has to do it. If she went ahead and did it, its because she wanted to and didnt care about being sexually explicit with only me. That fact that she did it makes me now feel like i wasnt sexually satisfying her, and if i were to take her back, i would live with that thought in my mind for a very long time.

my gf just came back from a school trip to japan, and upon returning, she told me she had sex with one of the girls that was on the trip with her while she was there. I knew my gf was bi-sexual, at least i thought in the past she was, and i told her i was ok with the thought of that, and it didnt really pose a threat to me about her interest in women, as long as she never wanted a woman in place of me. Well she was away for a week, and she told me her and the friend went out, had a couple of drinks, and came back and had full fledged sex. She also now informed me of how this girl was someone she was seeing and sleeping with in the past before me. She states that when she drinks, she gets very horny (something that i know, but normally she only drinks to that extent if im around). At first i didnt know how to react, and i didnt say anything, but within the a couple of hours or so it just hit me, and i told her that it really upset me and hurt me that she could engage in a sexual behavior with somebody else while being away from me like that and thinking its ok only because i said i was alrite with the fact that she had bisexual views. In my opinion, this classifies itself as cheating, and i dont know what to say or do. I just keep wondering to myself if what i have to offer is enough to satisfy her, and if it is, then why would she go looking elsewhere. Her "excuse" was that she only let it happen because she thought i was ok with it, otherwise she wouldve never let something like that happen. Shes being sorry about it, and states she willing to let go of all her homosexual desires, and that she only wants me and i satisfy all her needs. Im just really confused and betrayed right now, and i dont know how to believe what she has to stay. Shes always been honest and open with me about everything, never really lied or did anything inadvertently to hurt me. A part of me wants to stay, but a part of me just wants to go. I dont know what to do. I told her I need time and that if and when im ready to forgive her, ill let her know.

everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Im totally with open criticism, i have no problem accepting it. Whether i agree or not, is a different story.

the reason i got her a frame btw is because she didnt have one for the two of us, and she had been wanting to get one the lingerie, her reaction was "when am i gonna put this on" in a smiling, excited tone All of you that would react with "what am i, a sl** or something," just have a different mentality than which I would carry. Im giving it to her to make her feel sexy, and that she can show off her body to me in a fun, sexy way. Those that responded with that obviously are too conservative and goody-goody. You need to let your naughty side out. You would be if you are sleeping around with other men, not by what you wear, especially in the privacy of your bedroom. And i dont have large expectations for gifts, matter of fact i actually dont like gifts, and whatever i get, i take. Whether i use or not, thats a different story but i NEVER have complained or even commented in any negative way on a gift. I dont like the thought of someone "wasting" their money on me, getting me something that im never gonna use. I feel guilty about that. Thats why i rather not get gifts. Gift cards and cash involve no effort or thought process so it doesnt show a surprise or wow. Theres no expectations from that. Its like ok i wasnt creative enough to think of anything to get u, or i just couldnt make out the time, so here, get yourself something instead. You know how many gifts cards i never even redeemed. People got my gift cards from stores i never even shop at or would enter. My posts are making me out to be a worse person than i am because when im writing them, im usually in the angriest or most upset moods and im letting out some of my frustations into writing. Sorry

sorry for being so rude on this post, you guys are right to an extent about everything you are saying...maybe i just had diffferent expectations so I was surprised. I was harsh in the way i said it to her, i agree. Im jus in a weird mood lately where im kinda in the "i dont want to be cute" phase. My gf is a great girl, and i do appreciate the things she does for me, im can be a jerk sometimes and set my expectations way too high, but thats just my philosophy of going after what you want and not settling. Theres compromise settling, and then theres settling where you're just a wuss and dont speak up your mind and then everyone walks all over you. I think peoples expectations out of a gift or the way they are treated has alot to do with who they are, and where/how they were brought up. In new york, women carry a "rough and tough" demeanor, thats what we're used to, so some of us that are used to that dont necessarily like the soft and sweet stuff all the time, we need it to be all mixed up from time to time.

every single one of my friends that i spoke to, agreed, and they said (girls too) if she got you a stuffed animal as a gift, it means she thinks you're soft and weak, not manly...the fact that she gave me that AT ALL, is enough to state that much. It doesnt matter what else she gives me, i rather have gotten nothing than a stuffed animal as a gift. I wouldnt say it was tactless. Perhaps a little blunt, yes, but me not doing so, would only make it that im "lying" to her in some sort of way if i even tried to state i like the gift even the slightest bit JUST to make her happy. I have to comment on it when she asks me what i thought, and I was not in the mood to lie or bend the truth, i needed to let it out. Sometimes you just gotta. The sweater, from what you are saying...if someone just bought a new BMW a month ago, would u go and get them another one, just cause they might "like it?" its just gonna sit in the garage, just as this sweater will sit in my closet

i got back home from being away for the weekend and i open the first of her gifts, and its a big box, and im like hmm i wonder whats inside...its a BIG stuffed animal dog, one of those hush puppy droopy dogs. My first reaction was did she give me the right gift? Next i started digging into its mouth to see if something was hidden inside of it, nothing. My mom and I are just wondering why in the world a grown woman of 24 yrs would get a 23 yr old guy a stuffed animal for xmas? i asked her today if she had given me that with an intention behind it...her answer...oh i thought it was sooo cute and u would think it was cute and put it next to your bed. I just went ahead and bluntly told her, i dont see the point in you giving this to me, its just gonna sit there. Didnt mean to be rude, but i had to explain myself otherwise she would think i was content with it and continue acting this way. She also gave me a sweater, a gray fleece type with the zipper half way down. Meanwhile i JUST bought one EXACTLY like that, a shade darker gray, a month ago, and she was with me when i bought it. Then tonight, she said this is my gift to you and your mom, which was actually REALLY nice, it was a 2007 calendar, with each month having a different picture of me and her or her and my mom or me and my mom etc in it. That i thought was very nice and involved some thought into. For xmas, i got her a naughty mrs clause lingerie outfit set, and also got a picture frame of us with our names engraved into it. I dont want the girl to be "cute" all the time, its a turn off. She acts too cute and giggly ALL THE TIME. There needs to be more grown woman outta her. If i was 15, I could be like umm ok u got me a stuffed animal, but not at this age. Her reaction was that she got REAL mad that i reacted this way, and basically kicked me outta her house today and said she needed to some time to cool off. Meanwhile, im the one thats disappointed. I know its thought, and i dont ever comment on gifts from anyone, but when its from your significant other, you have expectations, and she made me feel like i was a gay little child, not like a man, and that she didnt look at me like she thought i was the sexy man in her life, it was more like aww he'd like this, but she didnt look at it from my perspective at all. Totally turned off, sorry, needed to vent. Am i justified to be perplexed by this?

Well i have dated other women who have a sexual drive that can match mine, but not many. However, im not one to display my sexual drive immediately to a women, because then it'll portray itself accross as me being interested in just the sex, where as im actually not that type. I can wait months before having sex with a woman. Nonetheless, as time progresses and the relationship is solidified more, sex to me is a big factor in a relationship. I just enjoy feeling wanted. I sometimes feel as though my girlfriend acts more like just a friend, and less like a girlfriend. I do focus almost all my attention towards her over well-being, and helping her manage through her health concerns. She has been dealing with it for years, and she recalls being angry and withdrawing from being social for as long as she remembers. She was promiscuous in college, not because she wanted sex, but just because it gave her an oppurtunity to bond with another human being, due to the fact that she was lonely and missed her family. I believe i am one of the first guys that didnt view her that way, that wanted more than just a physical-centered relationship. I showed her affection and showed how you can balance in sex with everything. In the beginning, it seemed as though she was excited about the new experience and being excited to be with me. But it seems to me that that also died out, and eventually what happened was i started to see the real her. She couldnt cover it up any longer, and she went into a depression/anxiety period, which for now she cant seem to get out of. This was after 4 months into our relationship, at which point, I was already strongly attached to her emotionally. I could not let her go at that point, and thought she'll get better soon, but the truth is, it only gets worse. She is on antidepressants, but she has been on them for years, and it hasnt changed her libido. Most side effects from most antidepressants actually go away once the body adjusts to the effects of drug (within a month or two). Its more so her overall mood and fatigue if anything that negatively effect her for this matter. I dont know where to go next. I love her and she looks highly upon me. I want to help her and take care of her but i seem to have to sacrifice myself ALOT in order to do so. My expectations from the beginning are totally changed. Difficult for me to deal with, but im trying my best to be patient.

Ive thought about that but hate to think of it, because we have such a wonderful relationship when i exclude that factor, and the fact that when we do have sex, it actually is good. Our bodies have chemistry with sex, but i feel as though our minds dont.

I totally agree with everything you say, and actually i have no problem making it happen anytime and anywhere. Im one who's up to try to anything and everything. For me, no isnt an answer. However, my gf is not quite that way, she is quick to say no for many situations, not just sex. This part, i feel, has to do with her depression. I do know when to stop myself, when to see shes not in the mood, and respect her opinions or wishes. I actually for the last couple of weeks have been trying to do just that, kiss cuddle etc and work within her boundaries to see if doing things her way is more comfortable for her, and still nothing. Matter of fact she actually seems more comfortable with wanting to do JUST that instead now. I only end up more frustated.

Well my gf makes it sound as though our relationship is perfectly fine

on average, once or twice a month If we go out to a bar/club, i will receive oral sex while driving home, and thats only because she had been drinking Like i stated in the previous post, the issue is not mainly the physical sex for me, its the wanting to feel sexually desired

oh and by the way, im actually NOT one to want sex ALL the time...i can go months and months being single without having gotten any at all, and its fine for me. The issue here for me is NOT the physical sex. Its more the concept of sexual desire and attration, and how much that is displayed towards your partner on a consistent manner to maintain that component of a relationship. It was different earlier in the relationship, thats all i can say. I dont complain or negate about any person for the matter, but i do get worried when things change.

well ive dated many girls, and i know their level of sexual desire imcreased as their general interest in me increased, and almost all the girls ive been with before have wanted it more than this one, yet this one has been the most emotionally interested. Im not saying i dont enjoy doing all the other things. We go out all the time, do all sorts of things. I love her company, i love being just next to her, but im also not sexually satisfied. Im not saying i want her to want me every single second of the day, because then I would get tired of it as well. But there is a degree of wanting it to keep it healthily balanced. Then theres the other side of the spectrum where you virtually dont get it at all and you just begin to wonder if your girl really desires you in that way. I want her to be more flirtateous. More wild. She is too lovey-dovey ALL the time. ALL she ever wants to do is cuddle. Im sorry but I need to feel physically desired more than just wanting to be held ALL THE TIME. Dont get me wrong, im a very affectionate guy, but everyone needs to feel turned on, and not once a month. Thats just unfair to me. I sometimes now get to a point where she turns me into not wanting it myself. But then the moment i see her, i get turned on instantly and I want to just grab her and rip her clothes off. I wish she would act that way towards me. However you want to defend women, go right ahead, but ive been with a ton of women who want it all the time too.

oh and I shouldve mentioned that during the times that we do have sex, it is very good, and she does seem pleased very thoroughly from it, or at least thats what she states and i perceive. She doesnt have any trouble to orgasm, and we dont really have any issues when we are actually doing it. One thing I would want is for her to be more into it verbally when we do it. Instead of acting sweet and romantic each time we do it, i want her to sometimes just wanna be f**ked, and state and act so. She says she would feel like a hooker or pornstar if she acted that way. My gf however also almost never wants to make out with me or kiss me for long periods. Its usually just a smooch/tap kiss, except when she wants it or has been drinking. If i dont initiate making out with her, or she isnt in the mood, she doesnt do it. She actually almost repels it and doesnt even let me do it if i try, or stops after a minute or so.

Overall, I dont feel sexually satisfied enough from my gf of about 8 months now. My biggest issue is that she doesnt seem to want it on a continuous all day, every day basis. My sexually expectations might be considered high, or i might just have a high sex drive, but when i spoke to friends of mine of my age, they said there is nothing wrong with this. I want my gf to want me sexually ALL THE TIME. Im not saying i dont want any of the romance and love in the relationship, but to have a healthy balance of sexual nature involved as well. I want her to tell me when she speaks me that she cant wait to just grab me or ravage me. She usually just says that she misses me but nothing more. When i attempt to flirt with her, she usually responds with a "stoppp" or "ur so silly". I want her to kick something back at me thats even more stimulating. Instead, she just kills that moment. I dont get jumped on when i see her after a long time, and i dont get the feeling from her that she wants to rip my clothes off every time she sees me. I dont feel like shes excited to see me, i dont feel as though she ever flirts me. She should act like she cant keep her hands off me, but it just doesnt feel that way. One issue she states that makes her act this way is that we both dont have a place to really ever do it, and when we do, its usually when one of your parents are out of town, or we rent out a room. She states that she isnt going to try to act horny or try to act sexual with me and turn me on when it isnt going to lead to anything. My argument was its not only about what it leads to, its about keeping that sexual connection alive no matter what the conditions may be. Its just that she makes me feel like she never wants it, and i dont feel sexually attended and attracted to at times. Now in the beginning of our relationship, there was no issues, she would be alot more physically with me. The other thing was, I had an open place for over a month in which she was over all the time. As of late, I just feel as though I have to do all the stimulating. There is almost never any initiation from her end. The only time she acts any different and turns into the baddest girl ever and i dont have to even touch her and she is already grabbing me wanting to fruck my brains out, is as soon as she gets some alcohol in her. Thats when she gets horny and cant keep her hands off me. I sometimes wish she would be like that when she is sober too, but that makes me wonder if its really the alcohol and not her, and why does she NEED the alcohol to act this way with me. It makes me actually NOT want her when she has been drinking, and makes me feel insecure. She does battle with anxiety/depression, and does have chronic fatigue due to it, and states that sometimes she isnt energetic enough to want it all the time. She also gets sick very often. She also has a very promiscuous past, mostly just during her college years, where she had slept with many men. Shes had many other relationships in the past. I just get confused as to how she isnt like that now that she is with only ONE man. She is very seriously into me, and she is very persistent on wanting to spend the rest of her life with me. She loves me dearly and is a very sweet girl, however this is my one issue. I had brought this up to her a couple of months ago, that I wish she would be more sexually explicit and flirtateous with me, and for a brief moment (week or two) it improved but not to an extent I would like. She also stated that if we lived together or one of us had our own place, it would be different. Do i have wait until then to find out, and be sexually frustated until so? I dont know how to bring this all to her attention either.

attraction is not a choice...you simply either feel it or you dont Now deciding whether you want to continue dating him or pursue a relationship with this individual, that can take time, and there is no definite answer for that...but like i said, you usually feel it without thinking about it, and if that were the case, then that would mean you like him...but in your case, if theres any other doubts or negative thoughts in your head, even the slightest ones, you probably like the fact that he likes you and shows you good company, but nothing more. The interest isnt true from your end. Time will only catch upto you and tell you that you'll never unconditionally like this guy, and it'll only get uglier as time goes along. Spare his feelings now.

I know theres tons of books out there, im glad you point this one out. I just dont want her to be offended by me buying her a book of the sort. Also, is this certainly the TOP book of its sort? it is rather old....any other books that are good? I came accross another top selling book by Edmund J bourne -link removed, and was wondering if you had any experience with any of his work? Any other reccomendations?

Well ive been this going out with wonderful girl for the past 7 months now, and me and her have a great relationship. We love being together, and cant get enough of each other. We've known each other for over 2 years. Both our families have met, and we know its a serious relationship. We are of different ethnic backgrounds, however so far it has not caused any serious conflicts. At the beginning of our relationship, I knew she was taking an antidepressant, but I didnt think much of it because she didnt seem to reflect any major signs of depression, in fact i felt as though she could come off the medication since she seemed to be doing fine. I am a pharmacist, so I wouldnt just make these recommendations without knowing a thorough history and putting my own professional judgement into it. She is a nurse, and also agreed that she had been wanting to do that and that it was a goal of hers, and was glad I was supporting her towards getting better. When her psychiatrist also agreed to lower her dose, within several weeks, she started developing anxiety and uncontrolled symptoms. She hadnt had an outbreak/attack like this in quite some time she said (over a year). She could not control herself at times, she would get palpitations, tremors, a rapid heartbeat, heavy breathing, restless symptoms, constant pacing, nervousness, confusion, anger, uncontrolled emotions, no cognition towards others' feelings/thoughts, difficulty sleeping, chronic fatigue....all basic symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder. She also gets sick very easily, is always tired -which leads her to not want to go out and do stuff alot of the time, and her parents are very strict towards her staying home and not being out late. She would become only more stubborn/angry when she got into an anxiety period, because she would be frustated. She never understood what made her develop these symptoms and get this way. She still cant figure out what her trigger is. She would at times make me feel at times like whatever i said wouldn't matter or make a difference and that i dont understand what shes going through. She would be very different, nothing like her usually laughing and smiling self. It was strange and difficult for me to deal with. I didnt know what to do, and at one point, she was just like maybe you should learn how to not do anything and just leave me alone when i get like this. This was due to the fact that none of her past boyfriends cared to talk to her about her problems and just let her deal with it on her own, so she was used to that. After a while however, we began to conversate about the topic and she began tryin to try and listen to mwhat i my 2 cents were. Nonetheless, nothing i said made a difference. Her self-esteem isn't a problem really. She states that she has a great life, great friends and family, that she has me, she has everything she could ask for, but doesnt understand why she gets this way. She does have a problem with being alone however. All of her symptoms started when she moved away to college 7 years ago and didnt have very many friends down there and missed her family dearly. She states that thats her black hole, that she keeps remembering all the "torture" she went through down there and how it changed her life, and that she cant forget it. She never likes being away from home even now, and until i came into her life, never even went out with her friends. She sleeps with her younger sister, and whenever her family goes out, they always do things together, never leaving each other alone. She states she always needs someone around her or she'll "loose her marbles." Her psychiatrist has raised her dose back up, but it hasn't fully helped. He added a new medication, but she still doesnt feel its enough. Recently now she started seeing a therapist to figure out what her anxiety triggers are. Hopefully that helps her. I just want her to get better and become more stable so she can feel more confident with herself and be more comfortable with herself. What troubles me, is I sometimes just get frustated when she gets her anxiety attacks. She in uncontrollable, very different from her usually self, and its unpredictable when she can get like that. I dislike the fact that she needs to keep herself consistently occupied with something to do or else she'll loose her marbles, meaning she doesnt believe in taking vacations and taking it easy or just laying back and relaxing, because if shes sitting around doing nothing, she'll start losing it. What happens as a cause of that, is she is too tired to want to do anything. When my friends and I are going out, she almost always stays home because she is too tired, and then i miss her all night long. What also kinda frustates me is that she needs someone to be around her all the time, and that is not practical or healthy. Also, when she calls me at the end of her day at night, she just calls, states she is going to bed, and within a couple of minutes, hangs up, where as I want to remain on the phone and conversate. Something minor that gets me upset, is i like horror movies, and when i ask her if she'll watch a horror movie with me, she says i dont watch them anymore, i dont see a point. I just find it upsetting that she cant open up her mind to something that i enjoy, meanwhile I would be open to something she would enjoy. She says im stubborn in the same way because I cant understand where she is coming from and being able to take NO for an answer. To me, thats being negative from her end, and I dont like accepting negative thoughts, I always have a positive outlook on everything. Also, We hardly ever have sex, and I mean neither of us have our own place which makes it very difficult, but she never even acts like she wants me in a sexually explicit way unless she's certain that we're gonna be able to ultimately do it. In other words, she doesnt ever act flirty or naughty with me (unless we're gonna have sex), and sometimes it makes me feel as though she doesnt want me all the time. I dont feel desired and attracted. Ive addressed this all to her, and she makes it sound like she understands what im saying and she would go "oh im so sorry im making you feel that way, ill try to be more ______ baby." When things are good, and she is good, everything is amazing, but the second her mood is off, its like a totally different person and totally different relationship, and dealing with the instability of not knowing how she will be from one day to the next is sometimes very frustating. I mean ultimately i just care for her overall well being and want her to be happy, but in doing so, it can be difficult sometimes. Just want to know if there are others out there that are dealing with something of the sort, and what their ways of coping and understanding are.

gratefulpain, i dunno if you missed the whole point of my topic, was that i still see her at work alot, and so NC isn't really an option, even though i keep the contact only to whatever it is at work, since i work in a hospital, and we're constantly having to interact and discuss things amongst one another. Thats what makes it a little bit more different. BTW, her other guy, doesnt ever work the same shift as me and her, so id never see him anyway.