Tears May Fall

Me(20 yrs) and this girl(22 yrs) have been going out for a month and half now, short time but i guess you can say we got to know alot bout each other quick and we had alot in common...one for example, we both came out of long, very serious relationships recently, mine 3 years long, ended a year and 7 months ago...and hers was 4 years, and ended 8 months ago. So we both atleast understand that we had a first love that didnt work out, both of us were dumped...however mine ended because we had arguments on alotta things and i didnt treat my ex the way she deserved, and i regretted it for a long time and it took me a year or so to get over it and accept it...her on the other hand, the guys parents were very displeased and got an arranged marriage setup for him and got him married, so he had no choice but to be forced to leave her, however neither of them wanted it to end. So they went their separate ways for a month, however than began talking again, and STILL talk up until this very day. This girl met me at work, and asked me out and i was the first guy shes been with since her ex, first guy she even thought about and got feelings for since him. So things went really good for a month, we seemed to get along great, found alot of things we can relate on, and we soon discussed everything we expect from this relationship. We both wanted something long term, that we were both gonna make the best effort to make it work, and that it was gonna be a serious, committed relationship. Just this past weekend however, it seemed like reality hit her, and she just had one of those "what am i doing, why am i doing this, and is this what i really want rite now" type of thoughts constantly running through her mind. Eventually i caught on and realized sumthing wasnt right, and she wasnt being herself. She wouldnt call as much, little enthuasism, wasnt dying to see me, etc. So i had a long talk with her, and she basically told me that she still talks to her ex all the time, everyday practically, and that they still have strong feelings for each other, but theyre forced to move on and are trying to. He's the one who always calls her and initiates any sort of conversation, and even shows up at her job after shes getting out without even telling her hes coming, and the thing that bothers me is, she doesnt seem to be making enough of an effort to stop him or avoid him, and it actually feels like to me that she still wants him to be a part of his life in this small way, but to me its HUGE, cuz i was there once, and talking to your ex is no good, cuz everytime u hear their voice, you're only reminded of the feelings all over and it holds you back from moving on with your life without you even realizing it, and i told her this, and she said why does it seem to bother you soo much that we still keep in touch, we're only friends, nothing more. I told her ofcourse its gonna bother me, here u are, acting different to me, saying youre not sure if ur ready for this, but at the same time saying you dont wanna lose me from your life, but at the same time, still keeping the thing in your life that is holding you back, its like you're making no effort to progress forward, and that if u really cared about this relationship, you'd see the brighter, more logical side, but you're still blinded by his love, weak to his emotions, and its totally not fair to me. So she basically asked me what i wanna do? and i gave her three options, either take this a step back, and give you the time you need to heal from everything and try to think things through...or, continue going out and take this one step at a time and me try to help you get through this since ive been there kinda already and know how you're feeling, but slow it down and give you some time to breath, like not be so serious anticipating so much...or last, just forget this, and go our separate ways and if ever you feel like you're ready for this, u let me know and MAYBE ill still be around I asked her to think it through, consider my feelings, consider what she really feels is good for at the time, and whatever makes it better for her, and make she knows what shes saying...and sleep on it and gimme a decision..and so she tells me she wants to still have me in her life and she does wanna make this work, but she needs to just relax and try to take things a little more slowly and certainly, but bottom line is, she says she still wants and needs me by her side to help her through this hard time. The only things im concerned about, is how much effort will she really make at this point to stop talking to her ex, will she even, and does she really care about me or is she just wasting my time?? she says she really really likes me and really wants this to work out...i just hope she likes me enough to say that im the only man she needs to talk to and that having me there is enough for her, but i dunno if shes just playing with me and wasting my time, any opinions guys? should i leave this chick alone and let her get over it by herself and when shes ready let her decide on her own....or try to help her through this and support her and be there for her to talk to and everything?? oh yea, she also said she wont be able to give 100% of her devotion to me until she has closure from her ex....any opinions or thoughts, please help...i dont wanna be hurt again...thanks anyone who had the patience to read this

i guess i can put myself in the same shoes as you people...as its been a year and half since my ex broke up with me as well and i still occasionally do feel the lingering and confusion and everything else along with these sort of dilemma's. Well my situation was different, as i was the cheater two years into the relationship, and it was a terrible mistake and i realized my mistake and apologized ALOT and my ex took me back and gave me a second chance, but after another year, things just wouldnt work and she broke up with me and then started going out with someone else in a very short time...it broke my heart but there was nuthing i can do about it...they broke up then and we started talkin again but it never got anywhere, and ever since we stopped talking for the last time, i really dont know much of her life as i put the no contact rule into effect, except im pretty sure she has another b/f and is happy and i feel similar as you people do i cant seem to like anyone new to a point where i actually want to start a REAL relationship with them, where i have a commitment and look forward to something. Im still stuck in the past somewhere and dont know how to quite unhook myself...being hurt once, prevents me from moving forward just because im afraid of being hurt again, so i just kinda dangle around like a puppet until someone can come along and cut my strings free...

well me and this girl are talking for about 2 weeks and we got to know a bit about each other before our first date(due to me having finals, i didnt have time to go out until finals were done)...this girl or i should say woman, is about 9 years older than me, shes 29, which sorta intimidates me..now we went on a date a few days ago...we didnt do as planned cuz she delayed the date for a few hours, we were supposed to go to a comedy club but instead just went out for dinner, and then as dropping her off home, while talking in the car in front of her house, i leaned in for a kiss and we had a short kiss(about 10 secs)...and then she was like hmm i dont kiss on the first date, and im like well theres a first time for everything...nothing really felt awkward or anything but i dunno if i shouldve not done that or not...any thoughts?? she also was saying that i talk too much, but i was jus trying to not be boring, but i dont think im like most guys shes been with cuz im a very sarcastic laughing type of person, almost everything that comes outta my mouth is in a funny type of way, and even though i had her laughing, she seemed like she had the "i dont really wanna laugh" kinda look on her face...now i find that my sense of humor and cocky/funny talk usually attracts girls, she's different in a sense and i dont know how to decipher her, any thoughts on that too?

i know where all you other guys are coming from too, cuz my girl of three years broke up with me last summer, and she had met some guy through a friend a month before we broke up and he had also just come outta a 3 year relationship so they were on a similar page and could relate...and after only 2 weeks of us breaking up, was i to find out theyre going out...i wasnt as surprised as i was sooo shocked...and it tore my heart and body apart like i could never imagined it could happen...i lost 25 lbs in the next month afterwurds, couldnt sleep, couldnt focus on things, screwed up in school that upcoming semester, almost practically became an alcoholic, became a nonstop party animal in hopes of tryin to enjoy being single, but at the end of the day, i was still always just sad and lonely Her and that guy broke up a month and half into the relationship, but all i kept hearing all along was about how serious they were and how they really enjoyed each other and this and that...then me and my ex like 4 months later decide to try to give this another try, but she put me on the test to try to prove to her ive changed, however we were never together again, as it didnt work out after 7 months of talking...however in that 7 months, i learned a great deal Women, even though they are breaking up the relationship, get very emotional and tense and nervous about how their life is about to change...and they think very quickly but not very thoughfully in these type of situations, as women usually let their emotions take over them...and thats how guys can easy manipulate them or make them think differently than they normally would, especially in situations like this...why do u think its easier to get a drunk girl into bed than it is a sober one...same scenario...a girl just coming out of a long term relationship is almost just has lost as a girl who took 6 shots of vodka and tequila. their heart is thriving with pain and emptiness and theyre body is shooting with hormones that cause them to be lonely and want someone to "replace" that lonliness and usually if they do end up gettin intimate with that person, its only outta sexual frustation and horniness due to the hormones flaring during this confused state of mind and also due to them being emotional and not able to think correctly. However, this "rebound" person USUALLY doesnt last long, as the problem arises that the girl is constantly still thinking about you, and all the problems that were in your relationship and caused it to end, are being replicated in her new relationship only because she still has that feared mindset that she hopes this new guy isnt like the one she just left, but because of that, she cant stop thinking bout YOU(the ex), and lets you interfere with the current guy(mentally) and she'll start accusing the current guy of stuff and start throwing stuff in his face that used to start arguments in your old relationship and ultimately this will cause their relationship to end as well...and in the end, wut do you have...a girl who has to get over TWO relationships all at once, but in reality its only one relationship, the long term one she really has to get over, and das the harder one now...the new rebound relationship was just a repeat of the long term hoping that a new guy will change things, but the girls mindset hasnt changed yet and she hasnt moved on so it doesnt work out. Eventually for some reason or another, once again, she might be lonely and confused, and this time she might try to talk to you again, but will make up excuses to try to see you or talk to you, dont let it get to you as i did and made a mistake of falling into it all over again, history will repeat itself unless the two of you REALLY want to make it work out and put everything from the past behind you but 95% of the time, it just doesnt work and if it does, its extremely hard since now you, the guy, have another guy to deal with having been with your girl in between, and its a hard feeling to face, and trust is hard to develop now too. This is hard for a guy to interpret because we dont think that way and our emotions dont get to us quite the same way girls do...girls are vulnerable and weak when emotional, and they jump to conclusions rather quickly...guys are stubborn and want to be left alone when emotional, or just want to talk to as many friends as possible and cry their eyes out...guys think too much when theyre emotional, girls think too little when theyre emotional

thanx i greatly appreciate your help. And you are right about having to find that balance in between, and i kinda knew i needed to get along to that midpoint, however i only got into the cocky-not so nice phase recently(like 4-5 months), and thereforeeee im still sorta enjoying it as it makes me feel good personally and powerful in a sense...with time i will learn to make a balance of it it might seem as if im afraid of women and i degrade them, this is true to an extent, but not completely, as i do believe there are great girls to meet out there, and like i said, there is no such thing as perfect, everyone has their flaws so im not gonna be shallow and expect the girl to be everything i want majority of the time when i am "mean" as i might put it, or just expressing myself in a forceful tone, if you hear my voice or look at my face or read my body language, you can tell im just saying it amusingly and outta love, not to be an ass..so on the inside, i am still nice in sense, only that i choose more carefully who to be TRULLY nice to. But as you all said, it will take me time and i am still young and i am trying to figure the person i do wanna become and be comfortable and confident being, and ill just have to wait and see where that balance falls for me. Once again, thanks.

well first of all, i'll introduce myself to this board with my first post, and secondly ill tell you a little about myself as well. Im a 20 yr old 3rd year pharmacy student at St John's U., and lived all my life in NYC(queens). I went out with a girl for about 3 years, from 16-19, and its been like a year since we broke up, rough break up...she broke up with me and broke my heart, but i had to blame for it. After about 4 months after we broke up, we started talking again trying to get back together, we talked for 6 months in which she wanted me to prove to her that ive changed and im worthy of another try, and eventually things still didnt work out and we TOTALLY stopped talking. Its been 5 months now since that point where we stopped talking. I havent been in any real relationship since, but ive hooked up with my fair share of girls while enjoying the single life. i go out partying and clubbing and drinking alot, and enjoy my freedom to the max. im a very confident and self-fulfilled guy who feels as though his life is just fine and im happy most of the time, not perfect, cuz theres no such thing(in my opinion)..cuz if life were perfect, it would be boring...i still get my challenges everyday and it makes life fun and interesting i used to be the nice guy, ive been a really nice guy all my life, always putting others before myself, always helping everyone out, always being there for people, always being a good friend, always being nice and giving people compliments or good suggestions/help...but then occasionally it struck me that all this being nice, doesnt really help me since not EVERYONE whom i helped was always there for me when i needed them...and then i just slowly transfomed, from hearing that "nice guys finish last"...to not being exactly that nice guy anymore, choosing my friends more wisely, not kissing everyones ass, just being more "eh" with everyone whom i now consider an aquaintance...teasing people(girls) more, making fun of girls(in a playful way), acting cocky occasionally(in a playful funny way again) --like saying stuff like for example (girls)"yea yea watever, dont you ever in your life try to play me with that stupid excuse again" or "go ahead, do watever you want, dont talk to me again, ask me if i care" or "hold your head, dont think you're special or something cuz you're probably not" or "dont think you can talk to me however you feel like it, das just not happening" so mainly with girls im speaking, they say to me that ive become less nice, some even call me a jerk, some say ive changed, some say you dont seem to care about much anymore(which is true because i dont really let much phase me anymore), etc. As for myself, i feel great, i feel like a whole new man who has control and demand and doesnt let anyone get to him and isnt gonna get hurt again..is this wut happens, do guys getting their heartbroken turn them into "not-nice" guys...my friend once said jokingly "to every guy that went bad, there was a girl to blame" wether it be his girl/ex, his mom, aunt, sister, etc. But my question to everyone(and i thank anyone who read ALL this), is it alright being like this, is it safe, is it healthy, is it good or not good, should i continue being a cocky guy and act "not nice" as they put it even though im having a great time with life, or should i still be the nice sensitive sweet guy i used to be and let girls walk all over me and tell me that they miss the old me?? what path should i let my personality take me to? wuts better for me, as a guy who wants more women, and who wants to just be happy, and who still at the same time, wants to make all his "real" friends just as happy as he used to?