BlueEyedBoy

Hi all. Firstly I would like to thank those of you who have helped me with your views on my previous posts regarding my recent breakup, your advice has been invaluable and I cannot express enough gratitude. It has now been a little over a month since we separated, during which time we have remained in infrequent contact. As time has passed by im beginning to have a much easier time of ‘keeping my chin up’ Im going out with my friends more and starting to be able to enjoy myself a little now. In my previous posts I mentioned that one of our main reasons for separating was due to her desire to go out have some fun, meet other guys, experience some variety and just be a little care free for a while. Im under the impression that this is not much more than a phase that she wants to go through before being able to settle down. I know that she has slept with somebody since we separated but nonetheless I still miss her and love more than ever, we had some really great times together and it seems a shame to throw it all away. In the last month while ive had time to sit and reflect on the two years that we had together im slowly becoming aware of all of the errors of my ways and the real reasons why we broke up. Ive started to address issues that I wasn’t even aware I had until now, jealousy, insecurity and many other major turn offs. I feel ive moved a long way in a short amount of time but still have a long way to go yet. I would like to think that perhaps one day there maybe a chance for us to give things another try but I wouldn’t have thought that would be anytime soon. In the mean time logic tells me that the best course of action would be to do exactly the same thing that’s she’s doing, go out have fun, enjoy life. Its her 21st birthday in a few days time and im a little unsure as to what to do, I don’t want to ignore it but im not sure how much is too much? I think ill send a card but should I put ‘from (me)’ at the end or ‘love (me)’ the latter is only being honest but is it inappropriate for an ex to say such things? I was also thinking about giving a gift too but is that advisable or should I just send a card? Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thankyou all.

Hi, I actually feel like a bit of an impostor for placing a post on this topic, I am 23 years of age and have no understanding of marital relationships or any relationship of that magnitude for that matter. I do feel though, that I may be able to contribute. Recently my other half and I broke up, it was I who called things off but it was something I felt I had to do rather than something I wanted to do, our relationship lasted for a little over two years and there were many factors contributing to the end, one of which seems very similar to the situation you describe with your husband but admittedly on a much smaller scale. In the first year we had a very healthy and intimate relationship, full of passion, excitement and experimentation but in the second year things declined rapidly. In total we had perhaps six, maybe less encounters only one of which I can recall as being anything particularly special. I made all kinds of efforts to spice things up many of which it sounds as though you have tried yourself but all to no avail. I learnt after our breakup that infact it wasn’t me or sex it was she was bored with but the scenery, the same bed the same four walls etc. Unfortunately for the time being at least it is to late for my ex and I and there are many other issues we would need to resolve before there would be any possibility of another attempt. My suggestion is that perhaps you could try creating a different environment for yourselves, rearrange possibly even replace furniture. Use different lighting, anything which alters the feel of your surroundings. Possibly be a bit adventurous, go out somewhere and get change of scenery. Hope this helps some. Good luck.

I hate narcissistic people. I find no reason why I should make time for someone who thinks of nobody but themselves.

Thankyou for your responces, your views are always greatly appreciated. I am trying my best to get on with things, last night with my friends was a really good evening I didnt let things get on top of me and it was great to go out and have some fun. In the end I gave in. I didnt text her, neither did call her. I called in to the place where she works and spoke to her in person. I shouldnt have given in, I should have waited for her to call, but I do feel better for having seen her and knowing that shes not hurt because I ignored her. She seemed quite pleased to see me but I didnt say much other than 'hi' and 'ill talk to you soon' - eratrya I read your post. I'm sorry to hear of your unfotunate situation, it looks as though all of the advice given here may apply to you also. It seems that the position you are in may be more similar to my own than you are currently aware. Strict parents, allowed home by no later than 11.30 unless special permission is granted, no guys allowed over her place, not allowed to stay over anybody elses place - all the above applies. Yes even at the age of 20! Its no wander she feels the way she does.

It is a little over two weeks since the two year relationship with my partner came to an end. It was I who called things off. We had not been happy for some time and I believe that she feels she is not yet ready to settle down. At 20 years of age she has not had as much 'fun' as she wishes to have had. By fun i mean guys, flirting and sex. A few months into our relationship we were talking about likes, dislikes and what it was we looked for in a partner. she said to me, 'you are actually the complete opposite of the person I would normally go for, you are too nice. I like a guy who knows what he wants and will just take it. Someone who will treat me a bit rough' I took on board what she said but was not prepared to be someone im not. Dispite her apparent taste in men, she settled down and we had a happy and healthy relationship although admitidly not with out problems (refer to previous posts). recently however things did not go too well. perhaps she is bored and wishes to go in search of her bit of rough? will she grow out of it ? will she eventually miss the sense of stabilty and security that i was able to offer? We have been in contact quite frequently over the last couple of weeks but I 'm trying to curb that because i know that she needs the time away from me to figure out what she wants. I was out with my friends last nite, I am trying so hard to get on with things and not dwell on my emotions. While i was out she called me but I did not answer the phone because I new my friends would get angry. I then turned of the phone. It was the hardest thing ive had to do so far and i dont know if she tried to call again. I havnt heard from her since. I dont know if shes hurt by it but she is a stubourn person and its likely i now wont receive another call for quite some time. I want to call her so desperatly, just to hear her voice. Im trying so hard to resist the urge. would she even answer anyway? I love her so much and i miss her like crazy. what happenes next?

perhaps a wake up call is what he needs? If you've tried giving it your all and still he seems dissatisfied he isnt taking the time to stop and see how lucky he really is. Maybe you could try dishing up a bit of the cold shoulder treatment yourself, it would be hard but a bit of space could be what he needs to realise what he has right in front of him but is blind to see. I still believe it shouldnt be entirely down to you to make all the effort.

If you want to inject some passion back into your relationship be sure to tell him what it is that you want, perhaps give him some pointers in the right direction. It shouldnt be entirely down to you tomake things work, remember it takes two!! hope everything works out for you.

Hi kerri. I’m afraid this is all a bit new to me so I really don’t know how good I am at giving advise. You said that in the past you have mentioned divorce when things got rocky? What happened? how long have you been married? I get the impression from reading your post that your husband feels he is no longer able to tell you he loves you because there is no intimacy in your relationship and that if you don’t give him the attention he needs he will start to look elsewhere for it? The way I see it, there is more to a relationship than sex, there is more to love than sex. Sexual attention is not a necessity but a desire and at no point should a woman or man feel as though they are obliged to satisfy their partner. If you have not had the time or have not felt in the mood to fulfil your partner in the way that he obviously thinks is required then this certainly isn’t something you should feel guilty about. In my opinion if your partner feels that the romance in your lives is dying then there is no reason why he shouldn’t be the one to do something about it. Surprising you with a candlelit dinner or some sexy lingerie perhaps. But making threats?? im sorry but that’s just bullying and shouldn’t provide any incentive to be intimate with him. I’m sorry to have to say this because I know its not what you want to her but if it was me, I would be seriously questioning wether or not I wanted to be with this person at all.

Thankyou for your input. I realize that while I called things off in order to give her a chance to establish what it that she wanted, I should also take the opportunity to stand back and take stock myself. I have spoken to her a few times in the last couple of weeks. She doesn't seem to show a great deal of sorrow or remorse over loosing me. She has spoken of other guys, so I guess that could be one reason that she doesn’t think of me much. It sounds like she is going to get things out of her system like I told her to, I don’t think she's slept with anyone yet but I don’t think it will be long before she does. As for me I will just take things as they come. I dont yet know wether or not theres is any hope of a future for us.

My ex and I dated for just over two years. At the time of getting together she was 19 and I was 21. Our first year together on the whole was pretty fantastic, we hit it off very quickly and fell deeply in love with each other. We were very intimate and always doing new and exiting things although it was not free of problems. There were two sides to my ex. Most of the time she was a wonderful loving caring person who thought the world of me but she had a volatile temperament. On about four occasions during our first year, the first being less than a month into our relationship, she suddenly changed, like a coiled spring being released. Her reaction was triggered by various things although on more than one occasion it was due to interest from another guy. She would treat me badly and flirt with other guys via sms and email making no effort to hide it. she stopped caring about me. Loving and caring about her too much and remembering what she was like before I held on and hoped for the best. After a while her phase would pass and things would be as great as they were before. Last year she went on holiday with her family, cheated on me while she was away and it was quite apparent that she'd lost all feelings for me when she returned. As before I held on hoping that she would one day love me again. Three months I waited while she treated me terribly, flirted and discussed all kinds of sexual fantasies with a guy online. finally the phase passed and during our second year things were 'almost' as they were before. This year she went on holiday with her family again. She insisted that she didn’t cheat on me but things between us didn’t seem right. Two weeks ago I decided to call things off between us. I told her that I didn’t think that this re-occurring situation would go away until she'd got out of her system what she needed to . I asked her if she still loved me. She said she did. I asked her if she thought this was the right thing to do. She said she thought it was. It seems to me that she is not ready to settle down yet and as hard as it is to do I have to let her go and have her fun. I know I shouldn't hold out for her after everything she has put me through but I love her dearly and I know deep down she loves me too. Any thoughts?? Much appreciated everyone.