catfeeder

How long has this friend been living in town? Have you seen or heard from her since her move there? I wouldn't do myself the disservice of attempting to characterize her intentions. People go through their own stuff, and we can't always fathom what that is. I'd make room for a mystery as I pull back and let her be. This in no way invalidates your feelings. It's natural to feel hurt. I just wouldn't make that more painful for myself by projecting motives onto her. I might be your grandmother's age, and I can tell you from experience that people have surprised me over the years by cycling back into my life of their own volition. I later learn that they were going through a thing, like drugs or drinking or mental or physical illness. I was often told that I was the one person who they didn't want to harm with their foray into their dark side. I was glad that I had not mischaracterized their reasons, which could have embittered me.

Exactly my thought. People generally use dating apps for this. They set up quick meets for coffee to check one another out. Could it be advantageous to have a bunch of people line up to do this in one place? Maybe. I just think the post sounds over-promising and likely a set up for a big expense.

Of course you were irritated, it's your default. You were included in a lovely wedding to share happiness and joyous energy, you were treated to a nice dinner with your friend who you supposedly love, but it was all for nothing? That's your own sour voice doing it's usual hatchet job, and it's no surprise why you remain joyless and potentially friendless. Of course it rubs you the wrong way, because it's all about you, right? And of course, it's so insulting of her to have a baby! Do you hear yourself? People who live 12 hours away typically announce their plans to be in the area so that others CAN shift their plans IF they so desire. What is the alternative? She could send you a private handwritten invitation via pony express, and you'd still balk at the nerve of her to inform you of her travels... Either take the PTO time to see this person who matters to you, or stop claiming that she matters and get real. You're learning how difficult it has become to make new friends. Part of this might be the lack of generosity of spirit others can sense in you. You have a choice in the lens through which you view others. Unfortunately, you use yours to pick people apart rather than embrace with gratitude the moments you are blessed to be included in their lives. That's your choice, and as you've probably noticed, your choices have not been serving you well. Rethink.

Why not use some of your PTO time to prioritize your friendships whenever they make this possible? I dunno, Alex. You sound shortsighted and only focused on finding fault to keep yourself miserable. When my friends and cousins were saddled with young children, I was always the 'free' one to travel where they live. I never minded reaching out to make the plans, because I was more flexible, and I worked around their schedules. A mother's priorities are her children and her husband. Wherever she can fit me in is my pleasure, not my resentment. Have I ever gotten a bit bored sometimes or annoyed by their household chaos? Sure, but it was never about resenting my friend for the changes in her life. The landscape of our friendship changed, and I adapted until my own priorities changed and became my focus--only to be pleasantly surprised whenever an old friend's focus was liberated as their children grew, and I found myself once again prioritized to whatever degree. What a blessing! You're the one who's responsible for maintaining the contacts that are important to YOU. It's natural for friendships to diverge over the course of life while each must adjust their focus. Maturity requires that we either adapt to this, or otherwise lose the thread that had once connected us in the past. I've dropped some of those threads, not out of resentment, but because my own priorities shifted. Thankfully, these friends understood this, and we picked up again when it was possible for us both to do so. You do you, but as usual, you sound focused on keeping yourself miserable rather than grateful for what you CAN do with the people you supposedly love.

No, you didn't mess up by not holding her hand. I can only speak for myself, and if my interest in someone at work became so obvious that my coworkers felt entitled to behave the way yours are treating you? I'd shut that down. I'd remain friendly and professional even while I quit all contact with this person beyond business. Same with anyone who's part of this peanut gallery. This may not be true for you, but I view my workplace as my livelihood, and my reputation as something I'm responsible for cultivating. If the people around me are juvenile enough to make a crush the center of their attention, I'm not going to play. I can form friendships outside of work, and I'd keep my dating life outside of there as well.

Wow. "Correct" according to whom? If this critic is someone important to you, it might be interesting to learn where they got that idea, but otherwise, nonsense. That's like chasing someone down the street to tell them you don't want to talk to them. The only time I believe that it's incumbent on me to inform someone that I'll be out of touch is if I ever may cross paths with them in shared social circles. Which addresses your point below. Exactly. Respect is earned and maintained, it's not a given to be offered to someone who has already mooted it. I hear. She's unaware that the automatic deference she pays to her family is not a universal given. She reacted like an infant, and in an odd way, that served you well to see clearly. Good. Meanwhile, reach out to those you care about who may have been neglected while you were focused on whutsurname, and fill your calendar with plans to catch up with your good people. I always poo-poohed such advice during my healing from breakups because I'm an introvert, but that was to my detriment. Isolation made my recovery ten times more difficult, because I spun myself too deeply into my own head. That drill inward is tough climb out! I learned the wisdom of staying social when I suffered anxiety after a hurricane. I forced myself to surround myself with people at all times, because for the first time in my life, being alone was not a comfort. So act 'as if' you must obligate yourself socially, and make that time about-them-not-you. You will thank yourself after each time you force yourself to just show up. Even when you don't feel like it. You won't feel 'on' enough to put on your best face, and that can make you a fabulous listener. It can lead to the kind of bonding you've never experienced, no matter how well you think you may know someone. This can become a game-changer for you if you work it.

I agree with this. Most marriages after living together 5 years fail, because by that time it wasn't fully voluntary by one--it was a response to an ultimatum. Then the marriage suffers because one feels hemmed in while the other doesn't trust the union to have been voluntary. Skip that. Make your plan to leave, line up your new home, then tell him that you are leaving and do it. If you want to keep the door open, as @Batya33 suggested, you can do that, but place your focus forward on cultivating a new life for yourself, because expecting this to be the thing that 'converts' him only sets you up for a deeper disappointment. If you have family planning in mind, then you are wise to stop investing your best fertility years in someone who doesn't share your vision. It also doesn't serve you to run the narrative in your head that you're not good enough, when it's more accurate to say that this man simply doesn't own the capacity to recognize your unique value--or he's just not as focused on the bio-clock that limits you. The right man for you WILL see and appreciate you. So stay exactly as you are, minus the spin that because one guy isn't right for you, that this must somehow be a reflection on you. It is not. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Has he bothered to reach out to you? If not, why are you not seeing that his ogling women and leaving you at the bar was his statement that this whole thing doesn't matter to him. If you think because you share mutual friends, your message would leave a better impression on him than silence, think again. It contains a criticism in it that he can't change, so he'll just badmouth you anyway to try to make himself sound judged. Skip that. This guy will not be kind to you behind your back, and there's no salvaging that. Best to not start a perception war with him. If you really need to tell him something, you can say, "Just reaching out as I said I would. Thank you for the drink, and I look forward to seeing you with (names of mutual friends) someday." Boom. Done.

You can pretzel around this all you want, it's not against the law. It's just not going to transform an un-trust-worthy guy into a trust-worthy one. You can parent him, which is exhausting and unsexy, you can beg him, you can nag him, you can pretend he's not a liar. But the only way to have a secure and loving relationship with a trust-worthy man is to go find him. This guy? Not him.

It might be helpful to know that that these are natural odds. There's no click, because a click is supposed to be rare. Otherwise, what would be so special about it? So the men, who also sense no click, raise a second date to politely close the current date, but they know better--and so do you. Most people are NOT our match. Of all the friends and good acquaintances you've enjoyed over the course of your life, only a few of those became your closest or best friends. It's no insult to the rest of these perfectly fine people that you've only clicked with certain folks.. So beating down your own confidence over this rarity does not serve you. Just as the right friends view you through the right lens, so will the right partner. Until then, it's just two equally valid puzzle pieces meeting to see if there's a fit, and there is usually not. This doesn't invalidate either, it simply means that you must keep seeking a fit until you find simpatico. Rejection only speaks of the limited vision of the one who is rejecting. They don't own the capacity to see and appreciate your unique value, but the right person for you will. So it's rather fortunate that you haven't been pushed into a corner of needing to reject a second date from one with whom you share no attraction. What's the point in going there? Keep meeting men, and treat it like a needle in the haystack pursuit. This is true for everyone--it's not a reflection on you. Head high.

Congratulations on your self respect. You will thank yourself sooner rather than later, and no, I don't believe it's cowardly to block anyone with whom you don't wish to speak. Someone who would characterize it that way is probably a controlling ninny who's been blocked themselves--for good reason. But there's really nothing left to say to this person. While families are often part of a potential lover's package to whatever degree, it's one thing to have some jerks in that deal, but it's quite another for a partner to avoid putting them in their place in terms of respectful conduct or otherwise avoid them in favor of the chosen partner. This woman did neither, so not only is she disloyal, even worse, she, herself was disrespectful to you. In this context, that's not forgivable. It's natural to miss the relationship and grieve it, but consider that anyone who would scream at you has a screw loose, and staying with them afterward gives implicit permission for that behavior to continue. But it doesn't just continue--all abuse escalates once a threshold is crossed successfully. Someone who would stay with such a person signals a lack of self respect, and so the disrespect is heightened, and it's all downhill from there. Consider celebrating to soothe your grief by doing the opposite of isolation. Involve yourself with friends, family, neighbors or community by reaching out and making commitments you will not break. Even helping a friend to clean our their garage or paint a room can help 'normalize' you into feeling valuable and social again. Head high, you've got this!

So your answer to being with an untrustworthy guy is to try to keep him home for a while? Is this how you want to live?

This is your barrier to breaking up? You don't owe anyone an explanation for that. Breakups are not a democracy. Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote. You're allowed to say that the relationship is no longer working for you. If anyone pries, you can say, "I'm not ready to speak about this any further." You've been putting up with untrustworthy behaviors for 5 years. At what point do you recognize that being able to trust a partner is foundational in a relationship?

I wouldn't see the point, this has nowhere left to go. If you imagine that he would respond by telling you how sorry he is, I'd challenge you to be more realistic. He's rude on several fronts. So why would you want to position yourself for him to get defensive then turn offensive and insult you? I'd chalk this off as a confirmed mismatch and just walk away.

Not only would I find his reaction to the scene unnerving, his treatment of you afterward would seal the deal for me. He already has no problem voicing disrespect toward you, and he's already manipulating you with punishment for your feelings. His treatment of you is not likely to get better if you stick around to tolerate this. I'd ask myself, "Is this the kind of man with whom I envision spending my future?" I hope you'll make a wise decision to walk away.

I wouldn't react to this yet. It's not usually simple to petition another country to allow you to become a permanent resident. Stay uninvested while you speak with her more about her plans. Maybe take a trip there with her and learn about the realities of it. If your Mom's plan turns out to be bona fide, would you consider living there with her?

This seems to be an option taken by a lot of people. He may have found what he believes is the perfect ring, so he took the opportunity to buy it, but this doesn't mean he plans to spring it on you prematurely. If he does, you can say yes, but that you wouldn't be comfortable sharing this with anyone until x date, and explain why.

Whether he is or isn't married is really irrelevant. OP, no matter how you slice it, this dude is nowhere near willing or able to give you the kind of relationship you want and deserve. If I needed to tell myself he was married, or has a personality disorder, or he has a drug problem, or any other excuse to walk away from him, it would be a smart and valid way to liberate myself and jumpstart my own life. I'd quit using the guy as my barrier to doing so. You've already got a therapist. Good work, but this person works FOR YOU. So don't be passive and waste your money--ask for a treatment plan to get yourself moving forward instead of sitting in stagnation. Ask for homework for the time between sessions. Keep a notebook to review with the therapist and keep yourself accountable for doing the work required to learn HOW to start enjoying your potential.

OP, I wouldn't view it this way ^^^--it could create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Like making yourself feel worse in order to punish your parents for punishing you. Skip that, it's a lose/lose. Instead, make room for the idea that when parents react with harsh punishment, they are more likely to let go of their anger and become easier to deal with when they sense your cooperation. However, the appearance of being cooperative doesn't mean that you must buy into your parents being right and you being 'wrong'. For instance, you're not wrong for your feelings. You also know that your mother's original position was that she wanted you to make your own decisions about your love life. At this moment, she's probably just upset that you characterized her as a villain, and she doesn't know a better way to address this than cut you off from the person to whom you confided. But given her earlier understanding of the importance of allowing you to make decisions, she will probably dial this reaction back over time. So your parents are more likely to recognize their mistake given some time to cool down, which means it's not a great idea to position yourself as their adversary. That would only keep things heated and the face-off would continue much longer than necessary. Your therapist can likely help you navigate this situation if you use their services wisely. As for the BF, you can ask him whether he'd prefer to break up during this time, or whether he wants to wait and see how long your punishment lasts and what outcome it brings. Hang in there.

While nobody can diagnose a stranger, your therapist may have characterized behaviors you confided as tendencies consistent with that disorder. And he or she may have done so to give you an answer you need to move forward. That is the closest you're ever going to get to this "understanding that he has a personality disorder...". So, good. You've got what you need, and so, what's next for you? You can't treat the guy. You can't fix him. You've been holding onto your fantasies about him for 8 years as some barrier to expanding the rest of your life. Why not take this as your liberation card to stop obsessing over the dude? Ask your therapist to form a treatment plan focused on cognitive behavioral therapy, where you start taking small baby steps toward healthy growth? This doesn't mean that you must join a hundred meetup groups and make 5 new friends a week in order to consider yourself healthy. Instead, you can start viewing yourself through a lens of potential and desire. You'll plan small actions for your week that enliven healthy parts of yourself. CBT is not limited to treating fears and phobias with emersion in the things that scare you, it incorporates behaving 'as though' you believe in your own blossoming. This will have you moving TOWARD something rather than languishing in a belief that you are stuck somewhere and must struggle to get away from it. Wasting 8 years doesn't mean there's any value to wasting one more day trying to figure out why someone else would waste HIS 8 years. He's got issues, those are his, not yours. You've got a therapist to help you walk toward a happier and more productive life. Don't compare yourself with anyone else. This is your path, and you get to decide how slowly or quickly you'll want to explore it to see where else it can take you. But the only way to do that is to start taking some steps. Head high, you can do this.

I would heed the cautions above about long distance dating. First, you don’t even know whether you’ll hit it off, and given the investment in fantasy plus the expense of travel, an attempt to force a fit is likely. Then there’s the vacation bubble thing. You’re not able to date under real life conditions that allow you both to learn about one another’s lifestyle, family, social life and interests beyond messaging. Time together doesn’t incorporate those challenges, it isolates you into a planned vacation bubble that adds to fantasy, but tells you zero about how well you’ll each operate together under normal conditions. Lastly, if all else goes well, it’ll come down to which of you are prepared to change locations in order to live more closely with the other. That’s a lot of pressure to put on one stranger given that most people are simply not our match. I’d suggest collapsing the scope of your dating app to meet local people with whom you can make realistic assessments through reasonably close and frequent dating. Life is tough enough, and dating is tough enough, without allowing fantasy to drive you into a financial hole over an illusory connection. That said, I wish you the best and hope that I’m wrong and this turns out wonderful for you.

I hear, and I agree with you that there is no need for urgency here. The context of this your job. Your work place. Your career and livelihood. I can appreciate putting professionalism above assertiveness in this case. If there is anything beyond a work buddy to be developed here, I credit you both for recognizing that in due course. So glad you shared this and met him.

What change happened 3 months ago that may have added stress to her life? Or possibly made her hurt or angry with you?

I re-scanned your post to see if you mentioned anywhere that you love her. Didn't find it. So you owe her the truth. As a go-forward, one way of handling money that works well to keep couples out of money fights is the three account method: His, Hers and Ours. You both create a budget together, then each contributes to the Ours account monthly according to an agreed percentage of income. So whoever earns more would contribute more, according to those percentages. The Ours account includes all shared expenses and investments. The remainder of one's income goes into one's own account, to be saved or spent as one wishes--without input or approval from the other. So each spends as they wish from their own accounts, and this can cover gifts to one's own extended family or any personal spends. This ensures that neither can accuse the other of 'wasting' money as long as the Ours account is satisfied.

You're living in your own head. Falling in love with a stranger on a screen means you don't have enough going on in real life to prevent such an unhealthy fantasy. This makes you ripe for catfishing and scams, and it prevents you from pursuing an active lifestyle that would expose you to real life opportunities for friendships and social support. I'd delete this dude, block him and make a plan with steps to invest in yourself in cultivating your own social life. Explore new interests out in the world and discover hidden talents. Involve yourself in community or family. If you can use some help and encouragement, consider working with a therapist to hold yourself accountable to someone with your best interests as a priority.