lostandhurt

Okay this is coming from a guy that was cheated on after 20 years together. What you are doing is trying to find excuses/reasons to forgive her. She has a bad memory, she forgets dates, it was early in our relationship... You are searching for something so you can justify to yourself for forgiving her. This is not a good sign and I know because I did the same thing. Mine was: is she on drugs, is she depressed, overwhelmed with our disabled son and on and on. In the end there is no excuse for cheating or attempting to cheat as it is a clear choice they are making. It isn't a mistake, it isn't peer pressure (bad influence from friends), it isn't depression, it isn't the length of the relationship or anything else. It is a choice, one they can make or not make but it is all theirs to own. Usually in the early stages of a new relationship the honeymoon phase is going strong so the last thing you would expect is for your gf to be scrolling through dating sites, meeting men at a bar or chatting with them up online but that is exactly what she was doing. Whether or not she had sex with one or all of them doesn't matter, what matters is her actions and character. I don't see how you will ever be able to trust her again, do you? She is a mess and has no business agreeing to be exclusive with anyone in my opinion. I think you should take some more time away from her to see her for who she really is and then the decision to end this will be a lot easier. Lost

Wait what? He borrowed a sex toy? Sorry I didn't get much further into the story after that.

Fingers crossed, hope it goes wonderfully. Lost

I can see how you would want them to leave you alone and let you be who you are. I think your best defense to this is offense. Turn it back on them. "I have always supported and loved you no matter your choices in life including your sexual preference so why can't you love and support me with mine?" "I have told you numerous times I am straight so what is it about you that cannot accept me as I am?" This makes this all about them and not you which hopefully will give them a moment to pause and think what they are doing. As far as how you look that is your choice and if you feel good with it then own it as it is your life. We all make assumptions (even you) by how people look. If you saw a woman with short hair, no makeup wearing a flannel what would you think? Do you want to date and be in a relationship with a man? Lost

Are you 100% positive you were cheated on? If so you don't need someone in your life that has and will betray you. Friend or partner they are not someone you should have in your life. If you do decide to cut them loose and go NC questions might come up. Take the high road when you answer them and leave the deceit to others. Lost

This sounds like they are still a couple. Many people throw words out trying for sympathy and to initiate a response which in this case it worked. You may be sweet and like him but he has done nothing to ask you out on a date. I am sure he knows you like him and want to date him so there is no confusion on that. The fact is he would ask you out if he wants to but it seems he is hung up on his gf. Best to look elsewhere. Lost

He is with his gf and it doesn't matter what condition their relationship is in, it only matters that he is in a relationship so he is off limits. All the other stuff does not matter and frankly you shouldn't be wanting a shot at a man that is in a relationship. Nothing good will come of it. Lost

You are expecting something he is not capable of and it will not change one little thing. He is still who he is and you will still carry this hurt with you. Waiting for him to release you from all this is a fools errand. Only you can let this go and finish healing. Would an apology be nice to hear? Sure but then what? Would you magically feel better and all the hurt and memories would leave you? No it will not. There used to be someone on this forum that had a signature that said something to the affect: "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" This is harming you because you keep it alive, it is time to forget what he did and live a happy joyous life. That is the best revenge of all anyways. Lost

I see a lot more frustration in your future. It sounds like she is still learning what she likes and doesn't like and frankly she sounds a little uptight which makes it very hard to bring them to climax. It is good you want to bring her to orgasm but that shouldn't be your ultimate goal, your goal to give her pleasure and if she has an orgasm great but you aren't a failure if it doesn't happen. As far as this 90% to 10% thing that is a very bad way of looking at the intimacy between you two. First of all you both are very new to all this separately and together so relax and let it happen. Just because you are good to go right now and know how to bring yourself to orgasm doesn't mean she does. Does she touch herself? Has she ever had an orgasm? Slow way down and enjoy exploring intimacy as a couple. If you don't want to get naked and would rather go out for lunch of dinner or whatever make that clear. "Come inside" "Not right now, lets go have dinner and then we can have some fun inside" You have a voice in all this too. There is no finish line you are racing too to take your time. Lost

I agree it would be a mistake to make a rash decision but it would also be a mistake to stay if you cannot look upon her with the eyes of an adoring AND accepting partner. How would she feel if she knew you are disgusted by the person she once was and now view her as less of a person? She has changed and grown like you have and we all have. If you truly believe she is no longer that person then like I mentioned earlier this comes down to your problem, not hers. Perhaps talking to a therapist about how your mind will not let this go would help. I was once faced with something similar that had transpired years before I met her. She was taken advantage of barely into her teens and I wanted to hunt the person down and do what needed to be done. She had long gotten over it and was doing very well but somehow I made it all about me. In time I realized this very fact that it was my problem, my ego that needed soothing. I am a protector by nature but I needed to see that she didn't need my protection as it happened years and years earlier, what she did need from me was acceptance of who she is, not her past. If I could do it you certainly can but it takes a lot of self reflection and gaining knowledge of why. Why will this not leave your thoughts? Why is the past so scary? Why do you need to live in the past? Lost

Day 36 Well the 49 now 50 year old now has her profile "unavailable" and I am not sure what that means on Match but if I had to guess it is because she is seriously talking to a guy and set her profile to that or is taking a break. In the end it doesn't matter why. I was just about to suggest we talk on the phone to get to know each other better too. Oh well... The 55 year old I messaged yesterday has not been on since and I checked and she is not a subscriber. Match does free weekend things all the time like Thursday evening to Sunday but I don't know if they can read and respond to messages or if it is just a ploy to get you to sign up dangling unreadable messages in front of you. I will take a break for a few days and see if anyone new shows up in my search then. Lost

Acceptance comes to us in different ways and at different times. It is hard to let go of a dream filled with happiness. It starts with counting the minutes then days and then months since the break up and somewhere along the way a day goes by where you don't think of him and then 3 go by and before you know it you are free and start thinking of meeting someone new. Take the time you need to heal, keep friends and family close and keep that mind occupied like you have been doing and you will go from just making it day to day to actually laughing and living again. Best wishes Lost

Then there is your answer. Her morals and values do not align with yours. But that is who she was back then, has she changed? Was it a one off thing? I do agree it is one thing to actually do it but then to go around telling others you did it gives me the impression this is how she views these types of intimate situations like it is no big deal. Perhaps you wanted this to work so badly that you kept overlooking the mismatch hoping it would somehow get better over time. It doesn't seem like it has. Lost

Is it the actual act of what she did or the fact that you keep visualizing it? People have pasts and sometimes they are not squeaky clean in other peoples opinions but does that make her a bad person? She was single I assume and was intimate with another woman. Does it matter who's mom it was? What if it was some strangers mom? This is like talking about each others body count and then getting upset by the past when you were total strangers. It isn't what they did, it is OUR reaction to what they did even if we had no involvement with them back then or not we act and feel like we did. The ego is a powerful part of us and causes us to make things about us when they really aren't. This is obviously your problem not hers so the question is can you get past yourself and continue or not? If not then end it now so she can one day meet someone that accepts all of her, not just the easy to swallow parts of her past. Lost

Someone has to stop picking at the scab and that someone has to be you. This is a break up, not a transition into a friendship so treat it as such. Going total NC is not to get him back, it is distance to give yourself clarity and see things you were just to close to before to see. 6 years is a long time and still not know if he wants to marry you so consider this his answer which is no he does not want to marry you. I say that not to be cruel but to bring honesty to you. In time I think you will see this as a gift from him. How much longer were you going to wait for him to fully commit to you and the relationship? 2-3 years? Use the NC to mourn the loss of your dreams and plans with him, then begin to heal from the death of those dreams. Living on hope that someone else will get their stuff straightened out and love you and be devoted to you like they should be is not a good plan. You are totally the best person for him and yet he walked away. It sucks and I am so sorry you are going through all this especially this time of year but you are strong and will survive and come out the other side smarter and even stronger. Lost

Day 35 The 49 year old I was chatting with sent me a message this morning apologizing for goign MIA. She had a biking mishap, got sick and of course the holiday. She is now 50 as she just had a birthday so now we are only 9 years apart in age 😁 I replied so we shall see how it goes. Since I hadn't been on Match for a week the likes and messages piled up a little. 11 likes, 2 super likes and 3 messages. One from a woman that has messaged me 3 times now. I have never replied but she is persistent. The other two I am not interested in unfortunately. I did run across the profile of a 55 year old that I am very interested in so I sent her a message. Not sure if she is a subscriber or not but I do not remember seeing her profile when I searched and I am sure I would have sent her a message if I had seen it. I am curious how the new year will affect sign ups on Match. I am thinking there will be a lot of new people joining as us humans always need a push it seems to do what we want to do and the new year pushes people all the time. Lost

I think we have a record for the most multi quotes in one post. 14 multi quotes, well done Carrot! Don't over think it too much. Lost

Right now just back off and get back to your life. Do not try and contact her, keep going to places you think you might bump into her or anything. Just become a ghost to her. There was something between you so let time give you the possibility of a second chance. She may miss you and one day reach out but that doesn't mean you should pause your life and wait for her. It sounds like you have a great life going for you so enjoy it and who knows you just might meet someone else in real life once again. I get that it felt right and really good and you were excited to finally meet someone you wanted to be with but we can only control our side of these things and when they end we feel like we have zero control. Don't beat yourself up over this but do learn from it all. It is so hard to meet that special person you have been searching for and when they slip away it stings and makes you question everything. You attracted her, she was into you and you had some good times so it wasn't a total loss. Good on you for stepping up and asking for her number in the first place. Keep that up, be bold and be brave and before you know it you will be on here telling us about a wonderful woman you just met. Lost

I am going to tell you something that in time will be of some comfort to you. It doesn't matter why she changed her mind, all that matters is that she did. Any excuse, reason or justification will not undo the ending of your budding relationship. Did you come on too strong? Maybe. Did her ex find out how happy she was with you and circled back for a second chance and she gave it to him? Only she knows for sure or sometimes they don't have something that they can put their finger on so they bail. Getting an answer may make you feel better in the short term but in the end it is still over. Slowing down a little would probably be good for you for the future. It allows you to absorb everything and keep your vision clear so you do not miss flags along the way. Her reasons were just a polite way of ending it, they weren't the real reasons. Leave her be, lick your wounds and learn from this. She isn't the only woman out there Lost

Let us know how it goes, fingers crossed that you get pleasantly surprised. Lost

You use that people are projecting a lot, seems like a defense mechanism. Empathy, yes I have more now than ever in my whole life. I have empathy for not only you but the women you are dating. They are part of this equation too. Dating can be tough for all involved. I read your original post twice before I responded. As far being intimate with your dates if you have been then that changes the dynamic drastically and thus I asked the question. Not for gory details, for important information to answer your query. Good luck Lost

I am not judging you, only you can do that. You wanted to know why this keeps happening and the answer is the common denominator. You. Now if you want to know how to keep it from happening over and over again change the dynamic. I have noticed when the questions posed to you on your threads get difficult or you hear things maybe you don't want to hear you decide the thread has run its course....interesting Good luck Lost

Okay let me lay this out plain and simple. The only way to be "friends" with a woman you met with the intention of possibly being in a romantic relationship with is if you both feel exactly the same way. You say you had been on a handful of dates with her. Why did it take 4-5 dates to figure out she isn't the one for you? After 4-5 dates I am sure she was feeling like this thing was going somewhere and then you drop the "we could be friends" line on her. If she hadn't cut you loose after 3 dates she was into you no matter what she may say later and her actions since show that too. Being addicted to online dating makes it sound like you do a lot of it. Did you have sex with any of these future female friends? Lost

bluegill, You have read all the posts here on this advice forum but have not commented or answered any of the questions asked of you. Did anything resonate with you? Was it not what you wanted to hear? I think there is more to this story than we have heard. It is safe to tell us as that is the only way forward with these types of things, laying it all out there... Lost

Seems like he was the one trying to steer this meeting into something more. I think he was thinking he likes likes you and wants to see if you feel the same. Lost