(He/they pronouns for both of us, tl;dr at the end.)
Friend of a friend just spilled it to me. Text receipts were shown. I’m hurt, I’m numb, but somehow not angry. This person was the first I ever loved, I lost my virginity to them, we dated for 2+ years through high school and into my first year of college. I was aware going into the relationship that they had slept around quite a bit before we had gotten together, and had been in some unhealthy relationships. I did my best to communicate and be a good partner, and they seemed to adjust well after realizing the relationship was stable and as healthy as possible.
Throughout our time together they made a lot of vague “I’m a bad person and you shouldn’t be with me” statements, which I just chalked up to low self-esteem. I didn’t know what they could be eluding to besides their past relationships/sleeping around and some issues with drinking and self harm, which they had seemed to let up on while we were together. Last January, when I was 18 and they were 19, we had a long discussion which ended in us deciding to take a break, and then ultimately splitting up for good, however, we decided we were too close as friends to entirely cut each other off, so we stayed in contact and continued to hang out platonically.
We haven’t spoken or seen each other much this past year, but when we have we’ve always been excited to see each other and catch up. I’ve even been holding onto a birthday present for them. Just a few minutes ago a friend of mine called me to say they heard from someone who knows my ex that they had been sleeping around with a wide group of people, and had even started another year-long relationship with someone else a year into us dating. I was warned they may come back to me for sex or to reinstate the relationship, but I’m not sure since it’s been a year now and nothing of the sort has happened.
I was also told that when some exes they had gone back to said no to them, that they (credibly) threatened self harm or suicide, or (allegedly) became violent. Not once during our relationship did they so much as raise their voice at me. I always felt safe around them. When we broke up, they told me they had slept with one other person while we were dating- at a New Years party. That I could let slide and remain friends with them but I don’t know what to do about this. I won’t do anything while all of this is fresh.
Should I write or text them to say I know what happened? I don’t even think I’m genuinely angry with them, I just feel hurt and used. I’m nervous to say anything because of what I was told about how they behave when told no or confronted, and afaik they are unaware I have been told. The person who told me doesn’t want to be named if any confrontation occurs, and I don’t know if my ex will press for details. While we were dating they came to my house often, and my mother took a shine to them, and if I stopped talking to or about them she would have questions. Should I tell her? We have a decent relationship, and she really did care for my ex. I’m grieving right now- I was fine losing them as a partner, but I don’t know if I could lose them as a friend, even thought I know what I know now.
TL;DR- do I tell my ex-turned-friend that I know they cheated on me during our long term relationship? Should I even stay friends with them? Should I tell my mother, who took a liking to them and is aware we stayed friends if I do decide to cut them off? I was fine losing a partner, but now I’m scared to lose a friend even though they hurt me so badly.
I appreciate the advice and support. Guess I just needed to get all this off of my chest.
