Was just told my ex-turned-friend [M20] cheated on me [NB19] for 2+ years

[Leo_L_0498]

(He/they pronouns for both of us, tl;dr at the end.) 

Friend of a friend just spilled it to me. Text receipts were shown. I’m hurt, I’m numb, but somehow not angry. This person was the first I ever loved, I lost my virginity to them, we dated for 2+ years through high school and into my first year of college. I was aware going into the relationship that they had slept around quite a bit before we had gotten together, and had been in some unhealthy relationships. I did my best to communicate and be a good partner, and they seemed to adjust well after realizing the relationship was stable and as healthy as possible. 

Throughout our time together they made a lot of vague “I’m a bad person and you shouldn’t be with me” statements, which I just chalked up to low self-esteem.  I didn’t know what they could be eluding to besides their past relationships/sleeping around and some issues with drinking and self harm, which they had seemed to let up on while we were together. Last January, when I was 18 and they were 19, we had a long discussion which ended in us deciding to take a break, and then ultimately splitting up for good, however, we decided we were too close as friends to entirely cut each other off, so we stayed in contact and continued to hang out platonically. 

We haven’t spoken or seen each other much this past year, but when we have we’ve always been excited to see each other and catch up. I’ve even been holding onto a birthday present for them. Just a few minutes ago a friend of mine called me to say they heard from someone who knows my ex that they had been sleeping around with a wide group of people, and had even started another year-long relationship with someone else a year into us dating. I was warned they may come back to me for sex or to reinstate the relationship, but I’m not sure since it’s been a year now and nothing of the sort has happened. 

I was also told that when some exes they had gone back to said no to them, that they (credibly) threatened self harm or suicide, or (allegedly) became violent. Not once during our relationship did they so much as raise their voice at me. I always felt safe around them. When we broke up, they told me they had slept with one other person while we were dating- at a New Years party. That I could let slide and remain friends with them but I don’t know what to do about this. I won’t do anything while all of this is fresh. 

Should I write or text them to say I know what happened? I don’t even think I’m genuinely angry with them, I just feel hurt and used. I’m nervous to say anything because of what I was told about how they behave when told no or confronted, and afaik they are unaware I have been told. The person who told me doesn’t want to be named if any confrontation occurs, and I don’t know if my ex will press for details. While we were dating they came to my house often, and my mother took a shine to them, and if I stopped talking to or about them she would have questions. Should I tell her? We have a decent relationship, and she really did care for my ex. I’m grieving right now- I was fine losing them as a partner, but I don’t know if I could lose them as a friend, even thought I know what I know now.

TL;DR- do I tell my ex-turned-friend that I know they cheated on me during our long term relationship? Should I even stay friends with them? Should I tell my mother, who took a liking to them and is aware we stayed friends if I do decide to cut them off? I was fine losing a partner, but now I’m scared to lose a friend even though they hurt me so badly.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Leo_L_0498 said:

 Just a few minutes ago a friend of mine called me to say they heard from someone who knows my ex that they had been sleeping around with a wide group of people, Should I write or text them to say I know what happened?

Sorry this happened. They seem like an extremely troubled person. It would be best to not listen to third party hearsay and worse, relate it to this person.

You have the information to do with whatever you want, but confronting someone based on gossiping about them is unnecessary drama and hurtful. 

[Leo_L_0498]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. They seem like an extremely troubled person. It would be best to not listen to third party hearsay and worse, relate it to this person.

You have the information to do with whatever you want, but confronting someone based on gossiping about them is unnecessary drama and hurtful. 

Thank you. I’ve always know they’ve had their fair share of problems, but this is new. I wouldn’t exactly call it hearsay, but I understand where you get the idea. Proof in the form of texts and videos were shown to my friend and I, and during the relationship my ex went AWOL fairly often, which lines up with some dates I was given. This on top of the admittance of cheating from them when we broke up is a bit overwhelming. I don’t know if I’d trust the remarks about them being violent or angry though. I might just lessen contact and bring it up if the situation presents itself as appropriate.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Leo_L_0498 said:

. I might just lessen contact and bring it up if the situation presents itself as appropriate.

 Agree . Perhaps staying friends isn't a good idea. Since this person cheated it's good you ended  it . However they seem mentally unstable and fragile, and confronting them with this news won't change anything. 

[Leo_L_0498]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Agree . Perhaps staying friends isn't a good idea. Since this person cheated it's good you ended  it . However they seem mentally unstable and fragile, and confronting them with this news won't change anything. 

I appreciate the advice and support. Guess I just needed to get all this off of my chest.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you chose to get involved with a person who told you all you needed to know and whose behavior was unstable to a concerning extent.  It's fine you chalked it up to self esteem issues - you likely enjoyed hanging out and having sex etc but that was your risk to take. I'd avoid further contact -doesn't seem worth it in the least.

[Lambert]

How do you feel? What do you want to happen? 

I probably would think about do I want this person in my life? Then let that make decisions.

I would not spread gossip. So I would only discuss this with him, if I decide to talk about it 

I would not tell my mom or any other people. When you complain or vent about a person, know that you might be influencing how that person perceives them. They might even not like them anymore. 

Be true to yourself but don't hurt other people

[lostandhurt]

Are you 100% positive you were cheated on?  If so you don't need someone in your life that has and will betray you.  Friend or partner they are not someone you should have in your life.

 If you do decide to cut them loose and go NC questions might come up.  Take the high road when you answer them and leave the deceit to others.

Lost

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Leo_L_0498 said:

I don’t know if I could lose them as a friend

It doesn't sound like you are really friends anymore anyway, though. Catching up occasionally is not exactly a friendship. You wouldn't really be losing a good friend who is an important part of your life. 

And honestly, this person is not your friend. They are dishonest, and disespected you with their secrecy for a long time. That is not how a friend behaves, let alone a partner. 

In short? You don't have a friendship worth saving here. You need to let go of this person completely. Stop engaging with them, and do not reply to them if they get in touch. You don't need to confront them about their shady past - not so much for their benefit, but for yours. Confrontation is likely to bring you nothing but pain and confusion as you rip open old wounds. 

Head high. You will get past this, but you need to implement firmer boundaries for yourself now and not give this person space in your life anymore. They don't deserve it.