emit_remmus

My contact lens would probably melt into my eyes in outer space.

I'm trying to find the perfect meal plan that will give me the energy to study but also a meal plan that won't put fat on my abs. Right now I'm 140lbs at 5"2, and I have a little fat that I'd like to get rid of on my stomach. I've had a hard looking body before, but that was back when I drank protein shakes, ate lots of meat, and lifted weights. That diet was just too expensive when you throw in the chicken and beef and protein shakes you have to buy. Cooking the meals takes a lot of time that I don't have. I run 5 miles, 5 times a week and I also do 100 situps before I run, and I try to keep a healthy diet but temptation gets to me. I only buy Amy's microwavable dinners and Boca breakfast burrito's. For lunch, I'll try to have a can of chicken salad with crackers. I only drink water and tea. When I'm getting tired during my studying or reading, I'll have tea and soup. Its just sometimes when I'm feeling the craving I'll buy mocha's and danishes or crouscants. For instance, I ate chocalate for Valentine's Day. On a workday, I'll have rice for lunch and egg drop soup with rice for dinner.

I used to fear UFOs and ghosts.

I would like my past to be analyzed, to make me a better person today. I will be as honest as possible and very self critical of myself. Looking back, I never did have style, my own attitude, or any originality. I was always quiet. I remember, I always drew a lot and I excelled scholastically very early, even though I did lack style and social skills. My drawings were always portraits, portraits of people or objects. There is no creativity in that. I had a lisp and I was the new kid. I always got into trouble, but nothing serious because I would always talk my way out of trouble. You could say I was a coward, and I didn't carry my own attitude. I bullied specific kids when I was in elementary till middle school. I had few friends and many crushes. Starting high school, I hated myself because of the way I looked. I didn't participate or excel in any activities mostly because of my own wishes and slightly because religion prevented it. Religion was my excuse. I spent my time studying and playing video games, most of it being alone. I have no brothers or sisters, and my parents were always working. I could have done something but I hated people because they made fun of me and I couldn't have what I wanted or look how I wanted to look. I still had no style. I was plain. I didn't know how to shop and it was hard to shop for my size. I was shy, I didn't have an attitude. My art was always second rate work, but my grades were among the top. Almost finishing high school, I felt something has got to happen because I'm missing a lot of things in my life. I blamed my ugly self, I blamed my parent's religious dogma, and I blamed everyone who didn't give me a chance. Did I give them a chance? I used this as my motivation to change myself and rebel. I started running, until eventually I reached my healthy weight, I started observing how others dressed. I copied their style. I still needed attitude. I tried everything I could. I tried meeting people that I have been in classes with almost half of my life. After meeting this really cool intelligent person, I adopted their attitude because I envied their style. It was very free going and laid back. I tried taking part in things which went against my parent's religious dogma, things so innocent such as school activities and making friends that were of different religions. I started sneaking out of the house. I really fought my parents until I could win my way, even going as far as running away to a friend's house. Looking back, that sounds like someone else, not me.

My dream job is IRS agent. Being an agent sounds so cool!!!

That sounds boring. Can I get degree as a contract killer? I just had this thought, I've always played violent games as a kid, the shooter arcade games, military games, and I've always wanted to be in the military, specifically something hardcore like special operations. Could I have inherited soldier genes? My dad was a special forces operater in the army, maybe I got them from him. On the other hand, I think I've been unconsciencely trying to change my life into a more peaceful state of being ever since I have moved. I know, I sound cold. Is it nature or nurture?

So I should stick with being archaeologist then?

What kind of tree would make a good house plant? I would like one that is low maintenence but physically attractive at the sametime. I had a venus fly trap once before; it was such a vagina dentata.

Since I lack emotion, I'm not really human. thereforeeee, I would be in a perfect position to study other humans from a nonbiased point of view.

lol west coast soap.

I'm the son in a situation like this. My mom has been cheated on even to this day since I was a baby, but they stuck it out for me and they are still together. Things are good now I would say. If you stick it out for the children, the children will have both parents, yeah. That might make things financially convenient for the children's future, but the children will also have a dysfunctional family life. But then no families are perfect, and it seems like its the norm for men to cheat on their mates in all societies.

Don't assume and do anything because what if you just saw what you wanted to believe? And what if thats how it appeared to your friend who told you? Just wait it out. Your life is about to change in so many ways anyway. Just don't be too hasty right now.

The second approach? So I should grow a tree first? Or just keep talking to her? I'm also afraid I might not be able to care for someone enough.

I'm interested in a girl in class, but I'm afraid that she may have a boyfriend. I don't know, but I seem to always find interest in the ones that have boyfriends. I'm afraid I may come off as a creep, and I'm afraid she may say no. But I'm not afraid to talk or tell a joke or two, and she laughed. Should I really try anything, seeing as this--> Is how I feel about myself right now? Or should I just go grow a tree?

I want to move.

I feel I can forgive myself now, but I still want to change into a better person. I have no clue what else I can do better than what I am already.

Furthermore with the first assumption, how can I not be be a total jerk when it is my attitude and I unknowingly act it? How can I be less judgemental of people when past experience has nurtured me into this sort of thinking? How should I go about in speech when I do not want to be the reserved man? How can I reach that motivation of wanting to try when I have feelings of no hope?

First, I will assume the obvious, it is me. I might be a total jerk, I might be just weird, I might to be too picky, I might be too shy, I might be too outspoken, I might be too clingy, or I might not even try. Second, I will assume it is the environment and my surroundings. I might just be living in the wrong setting.

But tell me, please, about my uncaring tendencies: Why am I not able to make close friendships or develop strong relationships? I don't think I even really loved my parents. I'm leaving out many details on this one.

Above 18 and below 20 years.

"God saw the light was good. So God separated the light from the darkness." Accordingly, since I do not worship God, then I must be the darkness, which is evil, or God is a bigoted racist, in reference to the Chapelle Show, when Rick James called Charlie Murphy and Edie Griffin "The Darkness Brothers." I think it was good that I received extra spending money from my mother, but at the sametime I think it was evil that I lied and told her I was attending church regularly. Its for my very own well being. To be honest, right now, I cannot think of any good within me, either because I do not look for it and or I cannot see it.

We do not have free will at all in the big scheme of things. Biology, economy, and society constrain us ultimately. There is nothing metaphysical about it other than the fact that you will fall in love because of your biology and their biology and both of you are destined to die and rot beside each other someday, or she is destined to divorce you because you are poor and were always poor to begin with, and he is destined to be president because he knows people within inner circles. If biology, economy, and society imprison us, and one wants to have free will within his life, and if the metaphysical is separate from the physical, then one can truly have free will and control without biology, economy, and society.

Am I evil for the fact that I want to be the Anti-Christ? Am I evil for the fact that I desire that all religion be done away with? This is impossible without mass death, as religion and belief in the supernatural is part of humanity, and so humanity must be destroyed in the process of doing away with religion. Am I evil for day dreaming of a world poltical social switchover or just simply world domination? Am I evil for envisioning myself as a freedom fighter? But I'm getting into my personal beliefs and philosophy, and so I will stop now.

The problem is: Currently I have been doing charity work, but without any passion for it whatsoever. I simply do not feel it. I do not feel that my action will reflect the world or local community. Unfortunately, I must say that I have volunteered only to meet other people and to make myself appear good in person and in application forms. That, I feel, is selfish and inherent within me. I simply cannot find anything I am passionate for other than my own career, which again is for selfish reasons.

Can I say, I only regret my past because I feel guilt and I am afraid it may have backfired on to my present life. I'm trying so hard to change, but then there are times where I just fall. There are times when different random things in the present remind of me of the past. I want that past locked away so badly. Surprisingly I have never been to jail, and I have passed everything with high marks. I seem very much like a contradiction that I don't know what I am really. You may call me psychopath or sociopath, that may be true as I fit the description well except for the fact that I haven't broken any laws majorly. I am trying so hard to change by being polite and considerate. I have changed my lifestyle from drinking heavily to being a vegetarian. But for the worse now from previous failures of recent, I feel isolated and alone, reading books and thinking a lot. I am not totally isolated as I actively take part in activities and associate with fellow class mates. I just have lots of alone time now, and I think its for the better right now; in hopes that I can change to a more peaceful state of mind. 1) No I do not, but what do you consider evil? Isn't evil a relative term? To a Christian, yes I am evil. To society, I may be a psychopath. I have no idea what I am. I still would like to stand up for what I believe in. I do not know if what I believe in is evil or not. 2) Mustn't one be critical of oneself?