emit_remmus

I would like to know if I am not the only one, on this board, who has gone through such a childhood and adolesense, and if I am sane. Please do not tell me to go and pay someone to analyze my mind because I think I could do this myself for free but with much pain. I will not mention specific things that I have committed in the past because I wish not to remember the details. In fact, I wish to never remember anything to begin with. Everything seemed to have krept up on my current memory after I seemed have forgotten everything 2 years ago. Even still my intentions have remained basically the same. Originally, I saw my worldview as justified. Lets just say my parents were in hard times when I was a child, and they are just about stablizing today while I have been away attending university. Again no details. As a child, I was a bully, a small bully throughout elementary, but I still had friends surprisingly. I remember bullying specific people, and I have no idea why. I was a big tattle tale, sometimes even violent. Although I did defend my friends. Originally I sought freedom from the restraints I grew up in. Growing up in the most worst restrictive religion ever, I grew to hate everything. I was very anti-social after I moved after elementary school. I'm not sure if I hated everyone or if I was just shy. I lied a lot to my parents because I believed I was fighting for my beliefs. Again no details. I am manupulative to an extent, and I am lustful; I cannot think of any time where I have cared for someone. No details here either. If that care was there it was mainly driven by lust. I'm afraid I have no emotion, but I mimic others. I can change my attitude whenever I feel the need to. There are times when horrible thoughts enter my mind out of nowhere whether its through dream or day dream or simple thinking. I have conjured up a horrible philosophy that I hope will never take effect on me. No more. I have great concern over myself and I wish there was a way I could change my psyche. I have read the history of madmen and dictators in hopes that I could learn not to commit what they have committed, to change my path towards good. On the otherhand, I want to change my path to good to further benefit myself. I want to know good. Honestly, there are times where I have sought peace within myself by studying the Buddhist philosphy. I just didn't feel it. I cannot side myself with any religion. In fact, I hate religion. Even more so, I often envision my as the Anti-Christ. The memories that I despise so much as to wanting to forget them, I am afraid to forget them. What if I become a different person for worse without those memories? Though, I have forgotten the memories when I moved away 2 years ago. It took physical relocation to forget the past. I must emphasize this because I believe this means something. It may mean that I must move again. The cost is too great to prove that theory though. I am afraid I may have been born evil. I am aware of this and I would like to change it for the better.

A better life? The stuff I'm learning in college is interesting but I don't see how it will benefit me when I'm digging and surveying stuff. They have me washing dirt in the lab right now. Its really rocks. Or 12000 year old arrow heads. Whats the difference between barracks and a crappy empty apartment? I don't have money to buy furniture, I dont even need furniture. No one comes over. Which sounds more exciting? Is working as a waiter whenever I can striving to make enough money to pay the bills much better?

I can't think right now I'm sad. But if I do quit college, I'll join the Army. If I do transfer, worst thing that could happen is I end up broke, then I'll join the army. I'd like to travel and work overseas but that requires money. I want an out door job.

I'm attending college just so I can go dig up artifacts. My parents aren't really supportive of this. Its just me. They keep telling me why don't I do biology or medical science. I spend most of my time reading books. Its endless. It costs so much money to even get to do things that will help me get a good career, things like field school. I want to go so bad. I don't even like this school or the people at it. Transferring to another school sounds hard because then I have to pack up, move, find an apartment in the big city, find a job, meet new professors to suck up to, its a lot. I want to just quit college. I'm not going to be rich anyway. Whats the point? Lots of people live their lives without college. I'm pretty much out of motivation to do anything. The people suck in this town. This town is a conservative sh**hole. I probably failed my first biology exam too. I feel like I'm not good at ANYTHING. I can't even think of one thing I'm good at.

Plus it'd be nice to do things with a girl. Like go see a movie, eat lunch or dinner, have someone to study with, or just talk to. All these things require interaction, and a lot of the girls I meet just don't click, but I still find them attractive. Its a lot easier when they're attracted to me.

I would love to do that or go somewhere out of state, but thats expensive. I'm struggling just to pay the bills right now, and lots of stuff is happening. Tests, volunteering at the anthropology lab, work, my parents are in the middle of moving, maybe even out of state.

No I don't feel alone, I feel like a wuss because I couldn't go all the way when I had those chances. I may have gotten in big trouble through those times but I atleast I would've experienced sex. I might've also felt some guilt at the sametime but atleast I would've experienced it. I don't click with a lot of people here at this university. I'm not sure if its because its a conservative place and that I'm liberal. It makes me sad, and I wish I could find people like me around here. I've found a little release through this outdoor activity of caving and camping, but I still feel like I can't really click with those people. I don't know if its me either. I have charm, wit, funny, and I believe I can act anything. I have manipulation, I've used it to my advantage. Maybe its me that I won't ask anyone out, but then I've asked many out before.

I don't know why I've been eating so much lately. I've been trying to make the things I eat healthier by choosing the vegetables over wheat crackers. I don't really feel depressed right now, but sometimes I feel like I wish I had a girlfriend. I'm just wondering if, any of these girls I meet that I don't feel anything with, I should ask them out. As for someone I really clicked with, I had something with a girl back in high school, but we were only friends, but I felt so close to her and I think I even cared about her. Wow! After 3 years of friendship, I finally laid it down how I felt about her. I don't know if I really miss her right now, but I know shes in a relationship now. That makes me sad because I can't get into any meaningful relationships. I'm just so scandalously dirty, and I can't even do that all the way so I'm a virgin. I just want to stay out of trouble. I don't know what I am or am I to do. ON SECOND THOUGHT, I don't think I've ever loved anyone. Yeah yeah I'm a horrible person. A horrible lustful person. Its ironic that I want to become immaterial and live forever, when I'm stuck with my material desires.

Yeah, I got the party pack with carrots, celery, brocolli, and some fruit, berries, apples, and pineapples.

But I don't even find her attractive. Things just happened and I went with the flow. Can I get fat from eating vegetables? I'm studying for a test, and I need to keep at it!

I don't know what kind of woman to look for visually. There are some girls that flirt with me but I don't really find them hot. See I'm picky and shallow. But not shallow in a bad way. I have my attractions. Its attitude and their tone of voice. Maybe I'm just scared to get committed. Maybe I'm just in it for sex and then I try to resist it because it feels wrong, and I did do that a lot, but for different reasons, mostly to just stay out of trouble. But I feel better now because all I ate today was vegetables and fruit and smoked a black and mild.

Over this semester I've met lots of girls in class, in organizations, and at work. Over the many, I've only felt something only with one, but it seems complicated with her at the moment. Now I think I know what the "click" is. Its when the two people seem very compatible with each other. Maybe they relate somehow, or maybe they're just very receptive of each other's attitude. I don't know I just feel it with some people, even guys, but I'm not homosexual. Shoud I ask a girl out even without the click? I recently went out with a girl and I didn't feel anything between her and me, and I just didn't feel like going on another date with her. Is something suppose to grow from having no click?

I'm so rude. I've only had 3 years of any real experience because I didn't do anything the 17 other years before. What can you say about that?

I was expecting you to tell me something, instead of posting some self-help books and articles on how to seduce women and get a girlfriend thats like all the rest out there and the stuff that gets recycled on here. I can't believe you even have to pay for some of the stuff. I'll tell it to ya for free. I make girls laugh. I'm not shy. I'm hot sticky sweet from my head to my feet yeah. I can dance with a girl or 2 at the club. I have the courage to ask someone out, just did recently. But some girls are just receptive to me, just like certain guys. Everyone's different. Some people just lack humor. Some I just click with. Everyone's different. I'm not shy, but some people are. Again it makes it hard when its a one way conversation. Sure, but I'm not getting many dates probably due to the height. I've been eating a lot right now because I'm trying to study for an exam I have in 2 days. Biology...hey atleast its healthy food but I still feel fat and gross. I'm picky at the club because I find it hard to dance with someone taller than me. My face is right in their boobs but I would like to see their face too. Something about the nutrition in this state made all the girls tall. I don't know what happened with me. I just recently started a job, flirted with a girl, ended up hooking up with another girl who was her friend, but then I didn't really "feel" anything between us. Its complicated at the work place. I'd rather not get myself deeper into the situation at the moment. You know the part where they said just go with it if you feel it, yeah well there's consequences.

You're such a tease. Oh won't you please teach me?

I'm feeling dark and sarcastic right now. I should become a goth. My humor has been dark ever since I've realized my hopes have been shot. Maybe not everyone likes the dark humor, but its my way of making fun of all the negativity. I really wish I could find people that are like me at this university. I feel so alone. I've only had one insightful conversation with someone else at a coffeee shop. The rest just try to convert me into Christianity or invite me to some Christian rally.

But he's Laotian, I'm Korean. There's a difference. Seriously, there is. A girl probably won't date me because her ex was Korean and his family wouldn't allow him to continue the relationship because she was another ethnicity. She told me, thereforeeee, Koreans are full of it. Thats one example. If I'm negative won't I attract a positive girl? That would brighten up my atoms wouldn't it? Or to become positive do I have to let go of all my electrons? Maybe I should walk up to some girl one day be like "WOW! What a beautiful day! I see you're doing some happy sodoku! Hm Hm! That number goes here! Hey can I have your number!?" Yeah I put up that act plenty of times for plenty of things, and to be honest I'm just tired of faking it. Its inside and I don't know what to do about it other than grow up and maybe get a little skinnier. That would make my day positive.

Am I coming off sappy? I dont know, be honest. I can be funny, but at times its a chore when some people are just unreceptive.

Really, what type of girl likes a short funny or funny looking asian man? I do get a lot of "you're just not my type" bs.

I tried with taller girls, but all rejected me. I don't know if its my race or height. I'm Asian living in the south. You know everything is bigger Texas. Now I've grown to see that a couple that includes me and a taller girl just wouldn't look right. All of the couples I see, the guy is taller.

I'm short and I just don't feel like attempting to meet girls anymore. It feels like I'm very limited in my choices. I look at height first thing, at parties, in class, everywhere theres people. And that, I seem very different in my views which probably narrows me down more. Everyone seems so closed minded here. I'm going to a very conservative school. I feel like I should maybe move somewhere else, maybe this isn't the place for me. Moving seems hard to me while this is my sophomore year in college, and plus my parents are moving out of state soon. Being short worsens that because only then am I looking for girls my height which is 5"2. I'm becoming judgemental, and I'm judging people from my height. I'm starting not to like people taller than me because I find insulting. Worse yet, ironically, I think this girl I met likes me but I don't find her attractive. I just can't do anything with her. I just don't feel it. It use to not be this bad a year ago, but after lots of things I went through, I have come to this conclusion.

I took a test at link removed and it told me this: So far I've taken intro to geology intro to logic business math 1 intro to anthropology political science 2 history courses intro to archaeology intro to physical anthropology anthropological theory intro to folklore intro to biology intro to philosophy statistics english literature survey

Right now I'm majoring in anthropology and minoring in history. I don't know what I want to do with my future other than be an archaeologist, and that is vague too. I know I will need lots of money for school and research, and I don't know how I'll get that money. Right now I'm struggling with trying to go to field school in Italy. I don't know what I'm really interested in in the field of archaeology right now. I just like ancient roman history and prehistory, and thats it. That too is probably vague. I'm having doubts about my major right now. I don't know what I want to do. I like art and the outdoors. I like traveling. I don't like writing. Is that anything close to being an architect. What is an architect's life like? I don't see any interest in law or medical. I don't know why, it would make me lots of money, but I'm not interested in it. I seem pretty hopeless and lost. I probably wasted 2 years of college. I hope I didn't. I don't know.

I'm short so that automatically counts me out in finding a soulmate. I'm studying anthropology so that counts me out in becoming rich. Add to that, it looks like becoming an archaeologist is hard and expensive. I don't even know what I really want to do in the field of archaeology. It seems like every person thats an anthropology major I know is going to become a curator at the Smithsonian. My dreams are shot to crap. Why am I even attending college? So I'm finishing my sophomore year now, and I'm having doubts in my major. I feel like studying environmental design(architecture), but I don't haven any passion for that. I use to draw a lot, but even still, I feel like I can't be creative or original enough. So I'm not original or creative, so that idea is shot. If I quit college and just work some job in this stupid town, what am I living my life for? Just to work till my death. I want to do things that are unattainable. Add to that, I feel like I can't make any real friends. Maybe just acquantances. Yes, I do go out there and do stuff. My time is very occupied. I enjoy the stuff, but sometimes it seems I'm not motivated enough. I've lost all my motivation.

I feel mediocre in everything. My looks, my attitude, and my intelligence.