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bambina maxima

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  1. bambina maxima
    Good for you! I we forget that it's okay to "dump" friends who are not a healthy part of our balanced breakfasts. Or something like that.
  2. bambina maxima
    Thanks Dorsay. You're a pal. I was pretty distraught for a couple of days, but I think it was a temporary thing. I ended up sending him a pretty long email the day after we chatted telling him what I was up to, because ultimately that's why he wanted to get in touch -- and I was so upset that I didn't really give him any idea of what's been up in my world (which has been quite active, really). So, I offered the olive branch and told him what's transpired, and I feel relatively at peace. I haven't heard a response and don't expect to; the fantasy of him being the perfect man for me is finally demolished. I think he'll do alright, I think I'll do alright, and I'm content to go our separate ways now. I think I'll be moving to a new city in january or february...either that or go abroad for a several months teaching English. Either way, I'm excited. My grad school applications are due soon and I am STRESSING like crazy, but it's a good thing. Wish me luck getting in. Dorsay, I remember you saying you hoped to be on your feet and back to yourself by Christmas...so tell me...how are you doing? You seem well! It's good to hear from you...you were so supportive before. Thanks babe. You rock!!!
  3. bambina maxima
    Hey Dorsay. I didn't call, I unblocked him from gmail chat and there he was. The chat was incredibly disappointing. At least I have no longer have any desire to be with this person. He wasn't ill, he "cheated" and called because he wanted to know how I was, and thought enough time had elapsed. He thought his voicemail was "funny". Fair enough. But he's happy single, gloated about several things going on in his life (maybe not gloated, but it sure feels that way). I tried to be indifferent, but I suppose I take things personally. I wanted to have my head on straight when I talked to him. I didn't. It wasn't horrible, but I let my hurt show through. I wish I had been more disinterested, but I was as I am...honest. We chatted about half an hour, at which time I had no desire to ever speak to him again (though I didn't say this), so I told him to keep plugging away and tried to exit gracefully. Needless to say I slept badly, but at least I know this thing is totally finished. I feel like we don't even speak the same language. I see him quite differently. Well...that's it. My closure. Now there's no looking back. glad to hear things went alright with you.
  4. bambina maxima
    Chatting with him. He's not ill at all.
  5. bambina maxima
    silent always, I never expected a call.... I asked him not to call me so that I could move on with my life, and that I would call him when I was ready to be friends. I think you misunderstand me... this guy couldn't commit to me but was very good at stringing me along, so i said I was moving on, and to please let me do that by not calling. This was two months ago. I didn't answer his call earlier because I wasn't around to hear it ring. I don't expect him to call back now, not at all -- on the contrary -- I have decided that I will call him back, I'm just trying to calm down first. I feel a little bit harpooned here x_x It's extremely distressing to hear you interpret my words in this way... did you read my post?
  6. bambina maxima
    what's frustrating is how confusing the message is. This is what I hear: "Hey xxxx...it's XX...I might be permanently ill...that's when I was supposed to call you...I'm not...but I just thought I'd give you a call find out how you're doing...give me a call if you want to...bye" I can't figure out what this "I'm not" business is. I could be hearing wrong
  7. bambina maxima
    Lion guy, If I text him he will respond by calling. trust me I know this about him. I just don't feel ready to talk to him, not at all. thanks for the quick responses everyone...temporary insanity is loosening its grip a bit. I'll probably call him... I wish he was more explicit with his message...
  8. bambina maxima
    dnozzle...though I am in no way ready to be his friend, I still care about him deeply. That is something I cannot help. If he died and I didn't get to talk to him again, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I don't hold grudges against people who are very ill. I don't think he's dying, but if it's a serious illness I care very much. If it's minor...well, he asked if he could call me for minor illnesses, and I said DEFINITELY NOT (and I was livid -- if he can't handle the responsibility of a relationship but wants me to nurse him through a cold, he can eat his hat) So you see...I guess this just feels bad no matter what. Ta ree saw... should I call now? He called about an hour ago. Or should I wait till tomorrow? When I am maybe calmer? Why can't I figure this out myself?
  9. bambina maxima
    saturday night, not a sole on ENA...go figure...aaaaaaaaahhhhhh)#(%*@#)(% why did I have to stay home and take a bath. everybody else is out on the town. So I suppose I'll just deal by waiting it out a bit. he'll be there tomorrow if I decide I should call, right? Right. You just sit on it and try calming down, girl. 1...2....3....4.... Thanks for the advice, self. Breeeeaaaaatttthhhhh.
  10. bambina maxima
    I'm shaking all over. It's been no contact for almost 2 months (he called thanksgiving time, no message, I didn't call him back) Well...he's called twice tonight, and left a message. The message was a little unclear but he made it sound like he is permanently ill, but he knew he wasn't supposed to call. Last we spoke, I told him he was to contact me only if he were dying, seeing someone, or ready to take me seriously. Should I take it as he is dying? He didn't sound like it. I don't know. If he is telling me he is permanently ill just to get me to call, I feel I will forever hold it against him. But I feel like in this case I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and call him back. Help. I feel completely vulnerable. Scared that something's really wrong, scared of being used. It feels horrible either way it goes. Please some advice asap. I am feeling extremely distressed.
  11. bambina maxima
    sorry kicked in...guess sometimes I see the word "need" and red flags fly everywhere. I should have read more carefully. I am sure you'll get on. We're here for you!
  12. bambina maxima
    "She isn't caring about me the way I need"....kicked in...I think this is the key as to why you are sort of stuck in this emotional vortex right now. You feel you need her. That isn't love...needing somebody else to make you happy, fufilled, isn't healthy. You WANT a caring, nurturing relationship, and that isn't wrong. You should definitely require those things. She can't offer you the things you WANT in a relationship. Ask yourself why you feel you need her...really try to answer that question. If it's a matter of feeling some self-worth...you are looking for validation in someone else. What do you really need? You need to trust that for now, you are going to be alright by yourself. You need to know that right now she misses you and is confused, but can't give you a healthy relationship. What you really need is to find some piece of mind and right now that doesn't include her.
  13. bambina maxima
    Wow, in that excerpt it almost sounds like she's holding it against you because you haven't had a divorce. Like "Oh, my emotional pain is so much bigger than yours because blah blah blah". Anyone who tries to make a COMPETITION out of MISERY is just out of their mind. She is trying to make you feel guilty for not having experience the "depth of pain" that she's been through. Whatever. How can she presume to know what you have or haven't endured emotionallY???? I'm sorry kicked in, but that just p####s me off. She has no right to assume you are less emotionally traversed than she.
  14. bambina maxima
    Kicked in, you are hanging on to a fantasy. You are doing SO WELL; don't jeapordize yourself any further. Whether she means to or not, she is really messing with you, and it's taking a toll on you. You're in deep, I know...but keep walking. It WILL get better. You've brought up this talk of planning a june wedding a few times. Here's the thing: it was just talk. There was no actual planning. She was vocalizing a fantasy. You must try to grasp that the talk of a wedding had no grounds in reality. In order for that to even be a remote possibility, right now you both need to step far, far away from this and get to where you need to be emotionally on an individual basis. What's brewing now just reeks of codependency... You can't hold her hand while she works through her commitment issues. She's got to figure it out for herself. Maybe she needs outside help, but it sure as hell can't come from you...you need to heal just as much as she does. Take your time, believe in yourself, you'll get through it. She isn't looking out for your well-being...you need to do that. If she keeps peeking through the barely-open door, you need to just slam it and lock it and not look back. HOw long has this been going on?? Can you really say the good times are outweighing this misery? Real love isn't like this, my friend. Love is about caring, respect, honesty, committment, understanding. I dont' think there's a whole lot of ANY of those things going on here. Please try to think about this with your brain and not your heart. Eventually your heart will catch up to your brain...believe it!!
  15. bambina maxima
    Hang in there kicked in. Right now all you can think about is the ex, but soon it'll start dawning on you that there is so much more to life than your ex. Try to think about the big picture here! four days is a great start...keep strong. GIve yourself credit. You can find happiness...you don't need a woman to do it. I know it feels like you will be alone for the holidays, but surely you have others that you care for in life. Redevelop those relationships. Lean on them. That's what they are there for. In the meantime, try some calming exercizes. It's okay to think about her, but breath deeply and know that you don't have to lose your sanity. Seriously -- a little meditation or a long, long walk will do wonders. It won't stop you from thinking about her, but it will redirect the energy from frenzy into a more focused kind of rationality. I myself am almost to two months. I can't tell you what a huge difference a little time and absolutely no contact has done for me. Do whatever you need to do, but DO NOT contact her !! That is the key to your well being. It's time to look out for number one ! Good luck!
  16. bambina maxima
    Is he from southeast asia by any chance?? kidding, he sounds like an ex of mine. and i have decided since the breakup that he is DEFINITELY a mama's boy. But I don't think you can say just on what you've said that that's at all true for him. Sounds like he's had an interesting life
  17. bambina maxima
    btw, i just have to add, it is really dangerous to generalize...all doctors are evil, etc. Many, many doctors are out to make a quick buck, but I believe there are just as many who genuinely care. I have seen both. My home physician is AMAZING. I went to a foot doctor once who was horrible. My dentist is somewhere in between I guess. But it is really, really dangerous to lay out blanket statements like "antidepressants are poison" and "doctors are out to make money". Life isn't black and white.
  18. bambina maxima
    It gets much, much better. You won't believe it now, but give yourself time. Love yourself. Think of the antidepressants as a way to give you a ladder on your way out of the hole. It's not as if you'll be on them for the rest of your life; they're just a temporary boost. Take it day by day. Jayar, I realize medication such as antidepressants are probably overprescribed, but I wouldn't advise telling someone else to get off them. I once had a period of my life where I had anxiety attacks and deep depression, and though I absolutely ABHORRED the idea of "happy drugs", they were a temporary band-aid = that helped me be able to do the real healing. I was at a point where all other avenues were leading me deeper down the hole. Seeing a therapist weekly, to some degree the drugs, and TIME especially gave me a new lease on life. I was only on them for three months till I dug myself out of my cave, and haven't been on them since, and don't anticipate ever needing them again. By the way, I LOST an incredible amount of weight (though I don't think it had anything to do with the anxiety meds.) When it comes to emotional turmoil, I really don't think you can fit everyone's recovery plan into a single mold. It takes whole TEAMS of doctors/nurses to form recovery plans sometimes. Uplate, the meds will help in a bit, but you need to focus on yourself and find ways to cope and heal. That is where the real progress will be. Think of this as an opportunity, a catalyst to see life in a new way, to understand what you are capable of all on your own. Trust me, there is light. Time is a gift that no one can take away, and it will do amazing things for you. Lean on those around you till you are stronger; then you can be there for them when they need you. Jayar, have you had very bad experiences with the medical community?
  19. bambina maxima
    I think it's perfectly fine that he's trying to establish a guideline. I do this with all of my friends and family. In the past I've felt guilty or made others feel guilty because there was no communication about christmas expectations. Now we come out and say it: "Do you want to exchange christmas presents? Should we cap it?" It's very rare that I have money to spare, but I like giving gifts (it's the thought!!!) so I say "Sure, let's exchange, and let's not spend more than X bucks." That way neither of us feels awkward when it comes time to exchange gifts. Do you expect something expensive? Do you have any idea what you'll be getting him? As it's your first christmas, there is no precedent for gift-giving. He doesn't know if you'll be getting him a scarf or an ipod, and he wants to make sure he doesn't mess up. I wouldn't take offense at all.
  20. bambina maxima
    Yeah, it sort of sounds like a case of jumping back in too soon. Give it space. Work on your business and securing your finances. She to get to a spot where she can talk relatively calmly about the future, money, etc. I understand finances are important, but saying stuff like ""you are worth more dead then alive" is extremely immature and hurtful and it doesn't solve anything. It really seems like she has a sense of entitlement when it comes to your money...which smells like trouble. And if this has happened many, many times it just sounds as if you two are not compatible at the moment, and perhaps not ever. If you can't have a rational discussion about money, then it doesn't look good...I know it's hard to be logical, but these things are extremely important in making long-term relationships work. If she has continuing expectations for you to buy her a house, I would shake my head and start walking and never look back. Also, be careful never to make promises you're not sure you can keep (i.e., I will be able to buy a house with you this summer). Maybe you will be able to, but that is a HUGE thing to put on the table.
  21. bambina maxima
    wow, kickedin I don't know the whole story, but just from what you've written, she sounds a little like a manipulative gold digger. I can understand valid concerns about finances if you are planning a future together, but she seems to be laying claim to your money when you aren't even in a relationship. You said you'd have the money by June...okay...maybe that is realistic, maybe it isn't...maybe she should be concerned, maybe not. What gets me is the aggressiveness of her reaction. It didn't seem to be quite rational. How long did it last before and how long were you broken up? How long has it been since she's been divorced? I am guessing she's still hurting from the fallout from that last relationship and maybe can't offer emotional stability...divorces can be messy, long, and very painful, especially when kids are involved. My advice is to put all your energy into your business. She doesn't sound like she is willing to listen to your grand financial plan, so it's useless to explain. I would seriously rethink what you two really have with each other...
  22. bambina maxima
    Wow...blender...Dorsay...thank you..I know I have to ignore it, but it really helps to hear it from others. Blender, You are exactly right...if I call him back it will give him the power. I need to stick by my original statement, and I will. I refuse to enable him to repeat the old cycle relationship limbo. I'm feeling better about it now, but man was I thrown upside-down for a minute. If he isn't going to take me seriously, then he isn't worthy of my love. My silence is sending him the most powerful message. I know I know I know. Thanks again. The reason I would want to know if he's seeing someone else is that it would force me to get over him/I would have to let go of hope (at least this is what I told myself at the time). The hope has been pretty much annhiliated by now anyhow, so it's moot. You're right, I'd rather not know. If it's going to be like that, I'd rather not hear from him or about him EVER until I'm over it all completely. I probably won't really want to talk to him then anyway. Dorsay...yep...I imagined a time when he'd call to say "I miss you" and I imagined my response: "That's not good enough." Because it isn't. Thanks again for the encouragement guys. I needed it.
  23. bambina maxima
    ugh. it makes me so (*#&%*@()& mad that he doesn't have the decency to leave a message. I don't like his game. I've been nothing but up front and rocksteady, and he's a shady fool. No email. no texts. just a random call. I'm beginning to think he's completely gutless. Or maybe it was an accident??
  24. bambina maxima
    Well, the ex called earlier this afternoon and thankfully I was blissfully unaware for several hours. I don't know what I would have done if I were there to hear it ring. He didn't leave a (*$&%(*@ message. It's a struggle, but I think I won't dignify it with a return call. It's been over a month since I've last talked to him. The last conversation we had, I said I couldn't deal with the non-relationship relationship BS and that he should only get in touch with me if he was 1) dying 2) seeing someone else seriously or 3) ready to take me seriously. I guess if he isn't leaving a message, it isn't serious. And it's a breach of my rules. Breeeeaaaaaaaath. .... he's still thinking about me
  25. bambina maxima
    Goodfella -- look at the bright side. You've ripped off the bandaid, the bottom's fallen out. The road is steady and surely uphill from here. Though it hurts, you are no longer in doubt. She doesn't feel that way about you. There are a million more questions that I'm sure you'd love her to answer, but now you know the answer to the most important one -- it's over. We're here for you!
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