timlondon

Haha, I’m having a terrible day too. I think it’s partly because I had such a great weekend, so having to get back to the humdrum routine of normal life – and being quite tired after the weekend – exacerbates feeling bad because of the breakup. It is quite difficult dealing with this rollercoaster of emotions. Somehow just getting through a low patch would be a lot easier than unpredictably feeling absolutely fine, or feeling totally miserable. Anyway, it’s a learning experience I guess…and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

It's almost 2 months since I split up with my girlfriend, and I've been making a concerted effort to throw myself into life, and actually have had a great time and made some positive changes. All this time I've mostly managed to keep NC going, but we have had to speak occasionally to sort out our shared flat, and generally to try to disentangle our lives that have been spent together the past 9 years. But when she called me today, I just couldn't help myself – I was just really angry and started having a go at her, even though she hasn't done anything particularly bad (except leave, of course…). It was a really odd feeling as all this really negative emotion just bubbled up seemingly from nowhere... and was made worse when she said she didn't understand why I was getting angry because all our friends had told her how well I'm doing. I knew I was doing it, and knew it was neither fair nor helping me, but just couldn't help myself. So the problem is that I am clearly finding this pretty hard – harder than I'm letting on – and while I am doing very well on the surface there seems to be a dark undercurrent of bitterness inside me that I really don't want to be there. Our friends are all mutual so there's not really any possibility of just avoiding her, and nor do I want to be seen to be anything other than really happy and in control. I guess it's natural to feel angry at someone who leaves you, but how can I deal with it and maintain control?

It's pretty similar to a hangover - waves of feeling absolutely terrible followed by feeling a bit better, then back to terrible again. There will always be ups and downs, the important thing is that there's a trend towards improvement.

So many parallels with my breakup! Seems that it happens to quite a lot of people in the same way, when one of you feels like you're "on a different path" from the other. I was absolutely devastated when my girlfriend said that to me and really feel for you. One thing I must put is that the general advice on this site - to go no-contact and get out and enjoy yourself - is absolutely spot-on. It will give him the maximum possible exposure to the feeling of being away from you, while also making you look really confident (& thus attractive). I worried that by reacting in a positive way like this I would appear (not only to my ex but also to our mutual friends) like I didn't care and hadn't been very attached. That hasn't been the case and everyone has been really supportive, to my relief. It's just provided both the appearance and feeling of being in control. These first few days are the worst. Go and buy some new clothes, get down the gym, and get your mates down the pub.

Considering that he's leaving for Iraq in November I think it would be a good idea to get started on this problem quickly - so then if you do decide you want to break up he's got a bit of time to get over it before he goes away. There are a few issues that you have mentioned are bothering you, and I think some could be attributable to stress caused by his mobilisation, and some seem a bit unlikely to be caused by that. The snappiness could certainly be a result of the stress, and though it's clearly horrible for you and your children it's the sort of identifiable behaviour that you can point to and get him to change. Perhaps the Army (if that's who he works for - not sure why I get that impression) might have some sort of counselling service? And "this house" was a crap answer for him to give to your question about stress However, the other stuff seems to be a bit more difficult to explain like that. Spending all his spare time back with mates in his home town doesn't sound like the action of a committed chap, to be honest, and though bite marks aren't the end of the world, if it's indicative of more than that... So you need to have a real think about whether you can do anything that will make any difference - but you should be aware that you don't have to have a huge fight to have a valid reason to leave. He's not commited, may be messing around with another girl, and - crucially - you're not interested. Sounds to me like you need to have a "this isn't working" chat.

Firstly - if you haven't already done so, get yourself some good running shoes fitted at a proper running shop where they assess your gait. In addition to that, make sure you warm up properly! I had recurring shin splints for a couple of years, and tried all sorts of things, several different pairs of shoes, but finally realised that the 30 sec warm-up wasn't sufficient. No probs now though, and it makes a huge amount of difference - shin splints are a PITA. I'm not sure you can actually do very much to change your running style, but if you are getting lower leg injuries it may be that you're over-striding. As you can imagine, the longer the stride you take, the greater the impact force to your foot and lower leg, so shortening it can help. I suspect it will naturally mean you land further forward on your foot too.

and probably a solicitor as well, I would think. If the loans are "in your name", then it seems to me that you have taken out the loans, and have then yourself lent the money to your ex, so you will probably be responsible for getting the money back. You're also going to be jointly and severally liable for the contents of the bank account - which means you are responsible for the contents of the account, even if it's her that spends it. Got an overdraft / buffer zone? If I were you then I'd call up a load of solicitors and see what advice you can just get over the phone. Frequently you can have a brief chat and get free advice. Of course if you've got some cash then go and see a specialist - my ex is a civil litigator working in this kind of field (well fraud actually, but same kind of financial shenannigans) and frequently gets bank accounts frozen etc. IANAL. Best of luck! Tim

Thanks RayKay, you wise individual . I think you're right - friendship isn't going to work and that I need to tell my ex that, but I also really want to come accross like I'm doing really well and getting over it, which I think means being fairly nonchalant. Catch-22. Although I guess being nonchalant and not being friends aren't exclusive states. Hmm.

Hi all. Long post, sorry! I posted to this forum a few weeks back after I split up with my girlfriend, and the advice really helped (no-contact etc). However I've got into a fairly upsetting situation and really need some objective opinions on what to do next, as I'm fairly wound up and don't really want to discuss it with my friends irl. OK - the background. I met my girlfriend in the 1st term at university and we were together ever since, so 9 years now of which we lived together for 5. We had ups and downs as any relationship does, but were getting on really well - really best friends and always having fun. Then 3 weeks ago she wakes me up at 6 in the morning with a bag packed, and says she's moving out. That was really hard, particularly as she didn't provide any explanation of what she was doing or why, and I had to try hard to get from her that we were splitting up. Really badly handled. After posting on here I went NC, and have been seeing loads of friends, going out, training and having a good time - which has been the best thing I could have done. However, the flat still has loads of her stuff, and we have the same group of friends, so recently some "admin" contact has been necessary to sort stuff out. Because of this we've exchanged a bit of information about what we're up to, and she "really, really wants to remain friends", so I felt it a good idea to be as nice and as flexible as possible. All good so far, except for one thing she wrote yesterday, that she's going sailing with "a mate". So an anonymous "mate" is pretty clearly a guy. That immediately caused me to think she's sleeping with someone, which I guess is up to her, but it annoyed me as she was so insistent about being friends - assuaging her guilt? So I did something stupid - I guessed the password to her email account and found something with all the details of what she's been doing - "a complete slút" in her words. That hurts, but what was worse was that I could infer who the guy she's sleeping with is and they met a couple of weeks before we split up. I know they went for drinks a few times, so I really have to assume she was sleeping with him before she left. Now the difficulty is that I'm pretty annoyed with her, but can't tell her why as it was wrong of me to look at her email. However she's going to expect me to continue being friends, which I don't feel I can do - but if I'm angry and don't say why it'll look like I'm being incredibly petty in front of our mutual friends. Aargh! So what should I do? Suggestions gratefully appreciated Tim

I suspect looking fabulous is the single most effective way to either a) show your ex just how well you're getting on without them; or b) make them want you back. Or c) meet somebody else I guess, haha

Ah yes, good point I can see how easily that happens. Keep taking it one day at a time! Hope you're OK.

Um... what is an oatmeal routine? Sounds messy Difficult to get to the gym here in London today as well, it's baking hot and as we're not really used to high temperatures nowhere's air conditioned. Apparently it was 48 deg C (118 F) on the Tube yesterday, which was pretty unpleasant!

Haha. Actually this seems to be a positive side to all the... er... spare time I now have on my hands - I've been able to go training or to the gym waaay more often. Silver linings, eh?

Thanks - was looking for informtino on what NC meant earlier

OK, that strategy makes sense. No-contact it is. Hmm, all our friends are shared, is it better to go out to the same places and just get on with life, or avoid contact completely...?

Hi all I'm hoping you can give me some help & advice because I'm feeling fairly useless at the moment. My girlfriend of 9 years has just moved out, helpfully doing it at 6 o'clock on Friday morning so I didn't have much time to argue or protest. It's only really now sinking in that she really means it, even though she's calling it a "break", but her actions seem to be pretty final. A pretty grim feeling. Anyway, her reasons for leaving are that we're currently "following separate paths" - her career is going fairly well (lawyer), and I'm going back to university to do an MPH to kick-start mine - I'm a project manager at the moment. Seems ridiculous to me as I'll be supporting myself and should be pretty employable after I graduate, but there you go. She has also said that the idea of going out with the same person from age 19 to quite suffocating. It all feels so weird and wrong, because we have always got on really well, enjoy the same things, and I had no idea that anything was building. So I basically need to have an idea of what to do now. Should I try and convince her she has made the wrong choice, or leave her to make her mind up? Or is it worth even trying? Interestingly, I have found typing this down quite cathartic. Thanks in advance.