itsallgrand

So I guess I got blocked from one thread for saying someone needs to get a job and such. Ok, that's fine, is one person and you can block me if you want. What bothers me though is we are now almost in 2024 and it's still controversial to a lot of people to suggest mothers are as responsible to financially provide for themselves and their kids as are fathers.

First snow. I'm not thrilled for a long winter but snow still is magical.

I love jewelry and nope, she's wrong. Methinks she equates a honking ring to quality.

And knowing it's the elderly father who cooks the meals. Ahhh just have him cook my dinner. What?? Your first time staying over and that's the impression on him and his fam you want to make?

Is she paying rent or bills? Would that be emasculating? Wondering if this is a situation where you will be paying for everything.

You can get a really nice piece of jewelry for a few thousand. If you buy used, twice as nice for the price. I could understand her stance if you had a teeny baby budget, but I think she must have a particular ring or idea in her mind in this scenario.

Ok, just wanted to make sure! Her attitude stinks imo. Have you seen this attitude peek out in her before? Careful because marriage to someone who is materialistic often makes for a miserable life.

Is that budget for an engagement ring only? And she doesn't want to get engaged until you can afford a more expensive ring?

That's terrible. I'd be so devastated if my pets died in a fire!

Well just to use one specific instance she described, she passively took care of everything when she wasn't feeling well instead of saying " Hon, I'm not feeling well. Will you feed and take care of the kids this evening?". And I don't think cheating is something natural people do because of issues in a relationship. I think cheating is personal choice - some cheat, some it's not an option in their minds regardless of what they feel. I'm not saying her husband is blameless in their dynamic but all she controls is her end and it would help her imo to work on that whether this relationship works out or not.

You can't control him, you can only control you. Honestly you sound incredibly passive and poor in communication skills. You say you are ok with him not contributing to childcare and home most of the time, but then get silently angry when he doesn't act as an equal. Either you want an equal partnership or no, which is it? I'm not excusing his crappy behavior. But like I said, you don't control him, you control you. If you behave like a doormat who is constantly being put upon by others, there will always be someone in line to happily take advantage of that. You'll attract that. So if you don't change your passive response to life and relationships, you could leave him but your problem remains the same. Having an affair rather than working on the marriage and/or deciding to leave a situation that won't be fixed is again, the passive reaction rather than being assertive. And guess what? It's impossible to fully trust someone who does not take full responsibility for their own actions in life. It wasn't loneliness or anything that led to cheating - you cheated because you made that choice in your situation rather than another. End of. Once you really get that, you will see it doesn't matter his end - you are fully in control of what you will put up with!

Oh I'm so sorry. That kind of thing makes me so angry. It's a vulnerable position to be in when trying to get health care. Like we are literally trusting you with our health and care!! I can't believe how crappy she treated you, just gross! It's so hard finding a good doctor here too...or any doctor!! Our Healthcare system used to be great. To put it mildly, it sucks now.

Huge congrats!

How long have you been together? Him bailing on the agreed upon moving in is a big deal . I'm surprised you are so cool about this. And to do that and say it's that he isn't attracted to you now....that's just rude, it's mean, it's not ok. In my opinion there's never a time it's ok to say that to a partner. I'd leave before I'd ever say that, if it came to that. But I think he's just throwing out things so you'll dump him. He doesn't have the cajones to do it. So he keeps being crappier and crappier. On your end, why are you sticking around for this? What do YOU want? Don't lower yourself to try and keep this guy. It really seems done. He's had lots of chances to try to make it work, he's not doing it, and it can't be one sided and work.

Sounds like you had one of those sleeps where you can feel your body healing ...that's the best. It's amazing what a good sleep can do as far as how we feel.

Yeah I agree. Sorry. That sucks. Sounds scary how he is behaving.

That was my thought too. And talking to him when you fear him, and for reasons such as he has shown lack of boundaries and violent behavior before, may anger him and he may perceive it as a threat. His behavior is past the point of a nice chat clearing it up. He's had altercations with the police. They would have explained consequences to him if he drinks and drives again. He's choosing to ignore it. This is beyond your ability to control. Literally all you can do is protect your son. Why is that "too much"? I just don't understand but want to.

Enabling someone to abuse a child is abusive in itself - it's neglect.

Thanksgiving round 1 . My cooking today, then get to eat someone else's tomorrow. Got pies baked, buns baked, made ice cream, stuffing prepped, cran sauce made, turkey ready to cook, and the rest can be done today. Love Thanksgiving!! Mashed parsnips to honor mom . Funny enough I've come to love it too. Bites of that with peas, yes lol. Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canucks and anyone else who loves a good harvest feast 🙂

Oh not my heritage, my SOs. It's a First Nation...well, actually many but to keep it simple. Their history is intertwined with your country's history, too much to write here, but there's lots online if you are interested.

I feel for them so much. I experienced that on the kid end at 14 when my dad passed away. Mom worked but we needed both incomes for the life we had. I can't imagine the pressure on top of grief my mom was dealing with. We had community so we did ok. Still sucked, but ok. I hope people band around and help them get through this.

You are right that I have no desire to pass judgement on your choices because your kids are being cared for. The only time I pass judgement is when kids are being hurt, neglected, and mom and/or dad are sitting there with their finger up their butt not doing anything. You'd love my SOs traditional Dakota heritage. Mothers are revered. I wear a long skirt that touches the ground to ceremonies to honor that, all women do. Grandmothers are wisdom holders. You would feel at home in that circle! But...they do practice allo parenting! Hand that baby over! Lol. Share the load of care. So in that way, no , kids aren't perpetually with mom.

That makes so much sense. I'm so sorry your parents neglected you in that way. I've noticed over the years of reading on this forum that you have become so much less defensive, more open in your responses, and you keep growing. This step of having the toxic roommate move out is another win, it couldn't have been easy but it's 100% a great choice imo. I cheered a little reading it!

(The band, not Limbaugh) made me chuckle. If you have trouble picking up social cues, it makes sense that would lead to some trouble where you rub people the wrong way without seeing it coming. People won't often consider that hey, maybe I'm dealing with someone who struggles with this for various reasons, especially without knowing you on a more personal level. But that is changing to some degree, as there is more awareness these days of individuals on the spectrum and how that can impact how they present sometimes. Still, not a default by far for people to consider that. Or other reasons. How are you at picking up humor? Good hearted teasing?

Yeah this is strange. My plants are confused! As am I. I just ordered a bunch of fall books and treats, but not ready to dive into them. I should be knee deep in pumpkin everything by now lol.