Batya33

I'd advise the OP to be more other-centered next time - think about how you are choosing to deliver the message and share what you are feeling, the timing, context. Think about how this other individual who you say you care about and want to give to -right - will likely react to this sort of sharing of feelings. It's your thing to get it off your chest and no air needed to be cleared -he was going about his life just fine. Maybe journal to get out your feelings instead of sharing in the way you did -for sure if he was really into you all he would have heard was "wow she feels the same way whoo hoo!!!!" and it would have been a cute story about how you shared it. But honestly if I wasn't quite there yet but was considering dating someone and that happened -that would give me pause - and make me concerned that the person chose to share in that way instead of let's say asking me for a date.

I've enjoyed living off the grid temporarily during travels etc. Otherwise-no thanks and it's fun to watch how others choose to live. I had close to 2 hours extra time for me because of technology and ability to transmit a huge amount of information via email/electronically for a project deadline last Friday when 25 years ago when I did the same sort of project it often meant one of us racing by taxi to a post office or fedex to make sure the information made it to where it was going by the deadline. And having a team of people making copies. My mom did customer service for a major insurance company for years in the 80s and 90s and they went off the grid once -when the OJ verdict was announced - no phone calls for those couple of minutes. These days of course you probably could do something automated or enable chat functions so people could watch if needed.

I think there is a natural -not game playing - dance of intimacy. Especially in the beginning -some pulling back after intense closeness - not in a game way. After an intense catch up with a close friend I hadn't spoken to by phone in years- I likely wouldn't want to be that bonded to her an hour later if she called back and would have preferred a light convo -or none. Maybe I even wouldn't have answered the call. I think it's not natural -or maybe even unfair- to spill on a near stranger your baggage of past relationships which now are going to affect how you see this new person or any new person. I think the recipient should then choose whether to take that on and accommodate. It's not the same thing as a new person saying "oh thanks so much for offering to take me to the new VR place/amusement park - I don't do rides so it's probably not right for me. That might be a dealbreaker for some but typically there are many other options. When someone tells you off the bat she's choosing fear over connection in general maybe you wish her well and tell her if/when she's ready- call and let's see where we are! I think maybe the OP sees it as a challenge -maybe it fueled that "rightness" feeling.

There is this series on CNBC that's kind of cool and kind of like this called Unlocked -I've watched two partial episodes -a guy who bought a no longer usable jet plane and lives in it and a family who lives full time on a boat -parents and young child.

Why are those the only two options? You don't need to alert the person or ignore. Why can't you resolve some things on your own or with a trusted friend or like go for a run and work out the negative energy and then be with the person in a genuine way.

I wouldn't put it all on her to tell you when she perceives you as acting controlling and narcissistic. By contrast my husband's random whistling or humming along to commercials when I am eating a meal makes me crazy. He would of course have not known this -he barely knows he's doing it -so it's ok if when he forgets or inadvertently does this I point out that he's doing it and please stop while I'm eating. He's not thrilled I point it out but he understands it's on me since he does it like a reflex. By contrast I don't feel I should ever have to tell him "hey please don't tell me what to do in an arrogant, condescending way." If it's that extreme he, an adult, should know that's not ok and know how either to prevent it -or -more rarely -apologize and realize he was hangry/stressed and overreacted -we're all human. I think it's too burdensome to expect her to point this out each time -i get that you had a diagnosis but pusing on to her the task of pointing out extreme behavior like that doesn't seem healthy or sustainable as a relationship dynamic. Also if it's only 5 times over -what -a year? why is it such a big deal to you now?

I think this is pretty basic- many couples have different boundaries and approaches when it comes to sharing feelings including timing/context/choosing battles so to speak. and I think it's essential if the couple is going to get along to respect these differences. I mean -isn't it also typical that men and women have gendered differences in how/when -if! - they express feelings? That need not be an issue if there is mutual respect for different approaches to sharing feelings. Yes extremes on either end can be - always stonewalling or constantly having to talk and talk and talk about Feelings and The Relationship -can be exhausting - but I think if you recognize your tendency to stonewall that's good enough - and I don't see why it's necessary to tell her every time she's hurt you - I mean choose your battles. Sure if it's a big deal to you and you'll sulk and feel resentful or mopey for more than let's say -a day or two -might need to bring it up especially if it's an issue that is likely to recur. And it's totally fine to tell her "thanks for encouraging me to tell you every time I feel "hurt" but can we agree that you'll trust me to tell you if it's something that needs to be addressed? Also why do you need your feelings "validated" for every "hurt" - I'm just not getting a sense that she's hurt you badly. And if she has- and it's a regular thing that seems to keep happening consider why you are in a relationship where that is happening? Also sounds like she's playing therapist - and it's a challenge -hmmmm he's a stonewaller -he admitted it -well I'm gonna get him to share alllll his feelings even if it feels icky!

You have no idea whether they are dating, in a relationship, hooking up, together in a healthy and positive way etc- are you looking for a partner - who is also a close or best friend -or a "hot girl" who you can show off as arm candy?

I understand wanting to be in touch daily when you're an established couple -that "old fashioned" approach. But you're not a couple in that sense -at all. Sounds a bit too insta relationship to me and I'm glad you're dialing it back.

I would also try Kristin Hannah's books -The Women -her latest one -and The Great Alone. Also I hope not off topic but check out Alain De Botton book's on love and relationships -not self help -he's a philosopher.

I think this is the sort of thing that is very individual and should only be recommended to the OP by his personal doctor or therapist.

Yes I think consistency in texting patterns even after just 21 days is a good thing - but seeing patterns as far as what this person is like/how compatible you are/personality traits is absolutely not long enough.

I mean sure if he was into you too - he'd have said -I feel the same way but it's a very awkward approach and he did as instructed. It's also kind of self absorbed. I would think if you have a crush you want to spend time with him and get to know him better so why didn't you chat with him and ask him to spend some time with you doing a fun activity?

That's very ambitious! I've always been an avid reader and when the pandemic started I decided to start staying off social media more -because of the overwhelming amount of covid stuff- and divisiveness and judgey-ness and read even more -take more of a no screens break at night (yes we have the TV on -I mean computer/phone). I think it helps mental health a lot so I'm a fan of it!

I made my share of relationship mistakes for sure -cringey too!! It happens! I agree with the others though especially since it's not in the best interests of your kids to live in a precarious situation since he doesn't want to marry you and really never did - your kids need more than an unhappy mom living in a situation with a man who is not their father or married to their mother. So I'd maybe seek advice from a financial counselor at your bank? As to your best financial options. Throw money at the problem IMO.

She's oversharing to keep you at a distance. Her actions are inconsistent -she doesn't trust you after 21 days -she has to share that for some reason -I mean -21 days -but she trusts you enough to have sex with you. She airs her dirty laundry about her perspective as far as being used by her ex for sex - she sounds more like a project than a person to have fun dating and getting to know. I know instant connections are thrilling. And for long term purposes they're based on very little information and none about compatibility for something serious. IMO. I'd leave the ball in her court.

Same from me. I'm so sorry you went through this and very smart to call your son.

In My Big Fat Greek Wedding the Aunt is horrified that the boyfriend "don't eat no meat!" So she considers for awhile and says calmly. "OK I make lamb!" (And yes fresh squeezed OJ shouldn't have added sugar -but fresh squeezed lemonade - um yup)

I'm so so sorry you're feeling this way. Please call a suicide hotline and reach out for resources. There is help. I hope you feel better.

No -that's silly - just have realistic expectations and dating to me requires a thick skin. Why are you interested in dating? Narrow that down first because that greatly affects the expectations. No need to use dating apps but no method will work if you have regular pity parties and regular blaming of society -we all have our moments -I did for sure after some colossally bad dates/first meets/interactions. Timing and luck are factors. Most of it -for me-was about front line, proactive stuff without desperation and with a thick skin that I worked on as needed. But first be honest about why you want to date -with yourself -and be honest as far as whether you're ready to be open to treating people as individual human beings without too much of a negative/jaded "society has it out for me/woe is me" attitude -that's a huge turnoff and can be sensed a mile away from most people who have just basic common sense and basic natural intuition (even that is not required -the negativity oozes out and is fairly transparent). When I was 20-ish I met men -through friends (this was 1980s), through religious organizations, at college, and met a long term boyfriend I was briefly engaged to when I was 20 -through a print personal ad. I also started doing volunteer work in my teens and have done so regularly for the last 40 years or so -I regularly have met people through volunteer work.

I think being tired in general of people also can be from all the traveling added to work, etc -it's a lot! I remember when I traveled a lot - for several years -my husband's been traveling a lot for over 20.

I'm sorry you're frustrated. I used dating websites from about 2000-05 on and off. I met over 100 men in person and most of them were good people. I know of several happy long term relationships and marriages that have resulted from using dating sites. I know many of the kids they've had too! I don't agree that they're as awful as you say and if you find them that way then of course don't use them!

It sounds like something made her uncomfortable about staying close given your siblings' relationships - not sure what the something is but when that changed she created distance - was there some conflict or awkwardness about that? Or maybe she wants to have boundaries in case there is ever a marital issue between your sibling and hers? I'm sorry you're upset.

When my son was 7 and his grandfather died we had many people over to my inlaws home to pay their respects after the funeral. Many brought food of some sort or wine, beverages. A friend of my late FIL brought homemade dessert -some kind of fruit tart. My son and I were flying back the next day and I was not comfortable having him try a homemade dish from someone I didn't know where he might get sick/be sensitive to it given our flight. He didn't care at least until she started pressuring me. She was annoying. She took it personally, she pressured me. While I'm trying to keep an eye on my son in the crowds and while I'm trying to help my husband and family host this gathering -and I'm grieving too! Wow -she went out of her way to make her homemade whatever specialty and wouldn't take no for an answer. All huffy. I stayed firm and Mama Bear and told her as many times as needed "thank you and no I'm not comfortable having him try it." I am getting those vibes from you OP - how dare someone not fall all over your generosity at sharing your from scratch homemade specialty whether it's about being full, being cautious, being sensitive to it. I personally have a small appetite and food sensitivities so I've born the brunt too "oh just a bite to be polite." No. Stop. Totally fine to offer -then back off.

Very true. We discussed this the first day we got back together and I was set on relocating for him and I even shared a few dealbreaker places (which we both agreed on). And I am ready to have to relocate -yet again -for his career if it comes to that and I'm thankful this was settled in a simple but clear way before we embarked on LD. It's very very hard and very -very worth it.