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Batya33

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Everything posted by Batya33

  1. So it’s all over if you’ve told him to apply to others. If you really thought he was working on it you wouldn’t have to tell him this like his mommy. This is not him working on it. He’s pursuing scammy shady risky businesses while his mom tells him what to do. do your friends also love your fertility and love how you want marriage and family ? Do they have savings set aside for you so that you can provide for your family ?
  2. I mean you've known for a very very long time how he is about his finances and work ethic. How is he "working on" his lack of direction? What direction is he taking now? What are the results? What are his specific large and small goals and how does he plan to meet them? Without specific concrete actions that respond to those questions in my personal opinion there is no "working" going on. There's no trying in this case, just doing. Or not doing (which is what he is doing now, nothing). For example, can you "try" to study for the bar? Or do you study? Do you "try" to make a plan as to how you are going to study, when and what areas to particularly focus on or do you DO it?
  3. Exactly what I was going to advise. Good luck!
  4. Why were you going to wait that long particularly since you see how he is behaving?
  5. Yes that's a lot on your plate! If I thought he wanted to marry you but for some reason there was miscommunication about the "proposal" I'd advise you to propose. He doesn't want to marry you and he knows you two want different things -I wouldn't even say it's two extremes -but different enough to be dealbreakers. I agree with the others -you'll waste more time and a ton more $$ if you stick around -including potential expenses trying to have a baby later in life (I didn't have to -many of my friends did plus lots and lots of invasive procedures).
  6. My friend stayed on her ex boyfriend's phone plan for years after they broke up because it was a good deal, she paid him and I think it showed it was registered to him. It was purely a financial arrangement -they stayed on good terms and he got married ,etc
  7. I'm glad you told him how you want to interact with him. I'm glad you did this and if you feel guilty or badly remind yourself you are not leading him on. He is an adult and you were honest with him that you plan on seeing him next month but not before
  8. I mean he’s good enough to have sex with but not good enough to stay in touch with on a friendly basis or not hang out with. Not high or low. I have friends who are activity partners - acquaintances- not right now but in life I have. We see each other connected only to the activity. But I don’t have enough in common to have a friendship otherwise. So I’ll rephrase. He’s her sex partner. She doesn’t want more to do with him other than their meeting up for sex. But he does and is deciding to see if he can convince her to hang out and chat aside from sex.
  9. So either he trusts you as his sex partner as far as whether you are having sex with others - since of course that is a health issue - or he doesn’t. I’m not sure why dating others comes up. You and he are not dating. If he’s accusing you of lying I’d back off. Especially given the health and potential pregnancy issues. You want someone who you can trust on the health matters.
  10. You think you explained it but the truth is he's good enough to see in a month or more from now and good enough to have sex with if you feel like it but not good enough to keep in touch with or see in between. Seems to me he's not comfy with having that low a place in your life especially since he knows you'd be willing to get naked with him and have sex.
  11. This is the only sentence in what you wrote that deserves your attention IMO. The rest is fancy word salad - what you wrote really -distilled was "I don't wanna". Or "I don't wanna badly enough". Of course you need the right timing for a serious relationship. Of course you need to consider your priorities. You believe you can't travel the world and be in a serious relationship. That's very valid for you. Others might have a different view but all that matters is you don't wanna. You do wanna travel. You don't want to do both at once. Nothing encumbering your expectations -it's so much simpler than that. Your travel might end up being an adventure or not. Just like a relationship. As Alain De Boton wrote - when you go on vacation remember you take yourself with you. Or something like that. What's also really simple is that if you date a parent of course down the road it's a package deal. Often even if the kids are grown but especially if they are not. I never was or wanted to be a single parent but I do know that once I was the mom of a newborn, then infant, then toddler my friendships changed. No- not "mom friends" but it had to be people willing to accommodate my priorities and my new schedule - just as I'd done for my friends when they became parents and I was single. And this was just friendships not being involved in a serious romantic relationship. Some were accommodating, some were not, and the ones who were weren't always the parents, the ones who weren't were sometimes other parents. But being a parent - not just in name only/bio parent - changes your life and turns your world upside down (maybe a little less so with full time care or if you're not the parent who is home, etc but still). So please don't date parents if you're not ready for that and more. I avoided it like the plague when I was single and I had been a teacher and love kids.
  12. What does that mean? Is there something inaccurate on your resume? Sounds like it went fine. And yes please be 100% discreet. Good luck!
  13. Oh ok. So you’re using the coy euphemism which is odd since I get the impression you’re comfortable having a sexual arrangement whether it’s a friend or someone you see when you’re in the mood to have intercourse. Is the sex that good to make it worth his annoying and pushy attitude ? Sure he’s entitled to feel what he feels but not entitled to react by annoying you to this extent. He is entitled to the more business aspects of the arrangement - meaning whatever you agreed about sharing health related info whether STD or potential pregnancy. So if you promised not to have sex with others without letting him know he’s entitled to confirm if he’s concerned about STDs (or covid I guess ). I’d move on since this is not a friendship. There are plenty of men who will be up for having sex with you casually without this added annoyance to ruin the fun you are having.
  14. So did he lie to you about living off his dad -meaning the extent? Sounds like he didn't lie. Sounds like you simply went the "ignorance is bliss" path because certainly if he had lied you wouldn't have stayed with him, right? So instead you lied to yourself because this is the "best" relationship. But then later on you wanted to know the truth when the rose colored glasses came off. But if you truly had all those relationship goals why wait that long? Something doesn't add up other than you were afraid of being alone, didn't ask too many questions and now that you're done with law school and the bio clock is ticking all of a sudden you're wondering why he's not proposing. No not all men are like this. When my husband was 32 he was living on his own, had a great job he'd worked very hard in grad school to achieve, and was pursuing a related career path in a very determined, logical way. Without asking for financial help from his parents. My father came from a really dysfunctional family and pulled himself up by his bootstraps and went to college and medical school and was in the health care field. My mom went to college when women weren't supposed to and she worked both inside and outside the home. My grandpa had a window cleaning business as a new immigrant so he could provide for his family and make sure his kids could go to college. No not all men are like this. When we dated the first time around we were new grads with grad degrees -me newer than he was -and I never wondered how he was affording his rent, his expenses etc -what you see is what you got and I got a guy with a very strong work ethic and (big surprise) parents with the same strong work ethic And now our son is 12 and he does too in his 12 year old way. Which is partly because of the examples he sees at home. Do you really want a child of yours to grow up thinking he can behave as your boyfriend does?
  15. Try to keep apart the times he is rude by blowing you off and the normal times he just wants to be with his friends. It's not fair to do this broad brush "I feel neglected" and take it out on him if he tells you in advance. It sounds like you see it as a "need" for him to act like a frat boy and you assume all people take the opportunity to behave this way at some point in their teenage/college lives. But that's not true. At all. I People are individuals. I had a really fun partying social life but I never got drunk or used illegal drugs and yet had a blast. I did hang out with people who did. So there's a broad spectrum of what "partying" is. Has he told you of an end date to his partying lifestyle or are you just making assumptions? Does he get drunk often/use drugs? Are you concerned about potential addictions? I do think it's really cool to get different perspectives on life from a partner. And different personalities certainly can complement one another. Given your alluding to really huge issues in this relationship my sense is that the opposite part might be exciting to you for now but not sustainable long term.
  16. This is not really a poly relationship it simply started out with this woman saying she wants to have sex with you as well as date someone else and have sex with him since they are not exclusive. So she's casually dating both of you, having sex with both of you. There's no such thing as trying to go official. Either you want to be exclusive or not. She doesn't it seems. I'm sorry.
  17. And what about my question - How long have you been friends or are you using FWB to refer to a casual sex arrangement?
  18. That's why I asked if he plans to be the stay at home parent and how she really feels about being the main (sole??) breadwinner. Also are you prepared to pay for all the fees he will assess in getting this or that certification or license he doesn't follow up on?
  19. Why not propose to him? And are you sure you want to be the main breadwinner? Does he want to be a "stay at home" parent? I too had an intense career following an intense grad school and I get the sense -because I am like you in certain ways and know of many like you- that part of you liked being the power part of the couple, the leader, the more successful one (I am not like you in that way at all - just the first part). But now you're seeing the downsides of that approach. You liked calling the shots at the beginning -telling him in an in your face kind of way -take it or leave it but this is who I am and these are my priorities. Obviously that worked for him back then. But it doesn't seem to now. Now that it's reality time he doesn't like playing second fiddle to your greater success professionally. He does like spending his days contemplating his navel about his future jobs/career, etc but he's weary of the initial dynamic and his admiration for your success is now taking a back seat to his desire to explore different paths and explore the world differently. He won't give you a straight answer to your questions but he's already shown by his actions that he no longer wishes to marry you. Now you can propose of course -I mean you live together, no need to play all the traditional gender roles games here - but my sense is this has nothing to do with $ for a ring. He doesn't want to marry you. You are in your 30s. You probably want to start to consider the bio clock or freezing your eggs. I didn't start trying till I was almost 41. I was one of the lucky ones. I got pregnant naturally, gave birth at 42, am now 55. I wanted to be married before having a baby and married to the right person so I waited that long. I would move on if I were you but if you want you can propose and stop asking all the "questions" - the only question you need to ask him if is he will marry you (and the follow up for sure of a wedding date - not some vague "someday") I'm sorry if you're disappointed and I hope this was helpful.
  20. If he cancels plans with you last minute that's not ok and he's probably doing this in a passive aggressive way to "retaliate" for you refusing to go out with his friends. Sometimes we have to join in to show loyalty to our partner - unless his friends are mean to you/harassing you. Maybe say yes sometimes or take a separate mode of transportation and leave early.
  21. I would stop the irrelevant labeling with "paranoid" - if he makes a plan to see you and I thought he had then he is interested in dating you. Full stop. Whether or not he texts in between is irrelevant and don't read into it- you don't know him well enough and he's likely too busy to text back and forth. But he's not too busy to make a plan with you and he did that, yes?
  22. I think people who don't have good chemistry often start to fixate on physical "flaws" they noticed in the past but not "noticed" so I can't tell for certain whether the specificity means it's really about those features or something else or a hybrid. I agree they don't belong together.
  23. So many feelings are there for a reason. You're cranky "because" you're tired. So? It's kind of irrelevant. You made your own bed -he was really appropriate in inviting you. And it's fine you didn't want to but please don't hold him back from his friends. What do you do when he is out? Do you have fun or relaxing stuff to do on your own? Do you meet up with friends if you want to? You tell yourself "I don't want to be that girlfriend so I'm going to choose to react to my feelings of being "neglected" by not letting it out on him or making it his problem. It's not. There is no perfect world as we're human so that cannot be the standard. Take responsibility for your reactions by choosing to accept your choice and/or by deciding you want someone whose social life will be more to your liking or by getting busy when he's busy -you don't have to leave the house but do something you like to do and that way you'll have interesting things to talk about when he comes home.
  24. How long have you been friends or are you using FWB to refer to a casual sex arrangement? I think this depends on what your arrangements were in the beginning - were there ground rules for your sexual arrangement as far as what you would share about other people you were having sex with or he was? I think he's annoyed that you're not available for sex and is reacting by asking if there are others. It doesn't sound like you two like each other much other than you like having casual sex. So if he's being annoying and you don't have a friendship to salvage you decide whether the sex is that good to make it worth the annoyance. It's really a pro-con kind of thing only you can decide.
  25. How is she working on herself? Is she under a doctor's care?
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