Batya33

I think when you're ready to date and -for you-with the intention of finding a partner- the investment of time and effort will be more than worth it. But if you're going to be comparing the new people to your ex -more than fleeting thoughts you can easily brush away -then that will be too distracting and you might choose someone who is "opposite" which doesn't mean that's a good fit either because of the intense comparison perspective. Hope you're doing better today.

Do you keep paper near you/with you so you can write down ideas/thoughts whatever if you're not near your computer? I do for my job and other reasons - also it's kind of neat sometimes to jot down a weird dream (haven't done that in ages though). You mentioned you think of writing about your ex when you're not near your computer.

That's great that you're putting yourself out there! Also your anger guy reminded me of a Sex and The City episode where Charlotte meets Mr. Perfect -for her -you know clean cut, buttoned up, reserved -until a couple dates in he thinks some guy is bothering her and he unleashes on him -Charlotte makes a Charlotte Face and is -done. I defer to you as far as whether you think the angry guy overreacted -sounds like he did!

I can imagine it's harder since he's nearby -I've had that happen and I'm sorry. He may have meant all he said at the moment he said it sure - which is why I watch the feet -what someone does- especially over a long period of time -not the lips -what he says.

I like spontaneity and I hate it as an excuse for being unreliable/not making a time and place plan -even "let's meet up at the park at 1pm, and then we'll see how it goes" - so yes to adventures and exploring spontaneously, no to "I don't make plans in advance -I'm spontaneous" if someone wants to get to know someone by going on dates. That didn't work for me, personally and still doesn't with rare exception when it comes to making plans.

Love that book!

I don't think asking for a date is chasing on either end - including when I asked men out. And I think asking out is not doing all the work - I always think women can and should show interest and asking out is one of several ways to do that. Back in the day especially in the beginning I expected the man to do most if not all of the planning/asking out/calling - once we were exclusive/steady then definitely reciprocity/fairly equal etc. But I always showed interest and didn't like being the chase-ee. I didn't chase when I suggested a phone call to a man who I messaged or who messaged me and I didn't chase when I suggested a first meet. Interesting point about SM. I had no SM until after I got married. I feel like maybe I checked myspace for some people I met through online sites or - lol - Friendster! - but no real memory of that and that was just nothing like SM today. So - I wonder if SM kind of invites more "tests" and "games" - I mean obviously people have to choose to play games but what Rainbowroses and Sindy wrote made me think of that.

Interesting - never would occur to me. I don't think a woman firming up plans contributes anything. Just part of basic common sense IMO - if plans need to be firmed up. I never valued an invitation to meet up via a dating site and didn't expect a man to appreciate my suggesting a first meet. I always appreciated when a man asked me out in advance and planned or suggested specific plans for the date and I showed appreciation every time.

Agree with click your heels three times and go home -home to yourself and your sense of peace - not home to him.

She'd rather be "right" than be close and yes she equates this back and forth drama with infatuation - you know that song -best part of breaking up is when you're making up. My husband and I can be argumentative by nature. I mean on all sorts of topics. Last night we started quibbling -almost arguing over how our household shopping is done. I quickly realized it was so silly -why? Because when you care in a healthy way then escalating silly stuff to be "right" (I was right - his way of helping me with shopping on rare occasions is to text me multiple photos of every item like paper towels so... why bother). Because I care I told myself - right in the middle of this silly debate - self - he is so much better at buying techy stuff, handyman type stuff, he blows you away -you both have your strengths in the shopping department so stop this silliness, not worth it). This was internal and i told him part of it - that I realized this. If I didn't care or was bored and wanted to stir things up I'd have kept at it -maybe even showed him old texts. OP - it's an excuse for her to stir things up - people can be completely compatible as you wrote -and if they care more about being right or care more about being in their own feelings -needing that rush of drama excitement -it's not going to work. Can she change? Yes for sure. She has to initiate that, she has to want to, she has to plan how whether it's reading stuff, creating new ways of communicating, finding excitement in healthy way -counseling -whatever - but it has to come from her. And it won't ever if you keep enabling it by "making up."

I have a friend who married her professor -or maybe he was the teaching assistant. But after the class was over. Their age difference was minimal (grad school -both single adults). When I was a TA in grad school one of my students -again close enough to my age- called me on a Saturday night to ask about the assignment and was a bit flirty. My sense is he was trying to butter me up for a better grade but still -totally inappropriate (yes we were both single). Yes, I had a mild crush on the professor I worked with. So handsome! I did zero about it -he was married, I kept it strictly professional -why? First of all -married. Second of all - these relationships - I mean teacher-student - can be so valuable professionally later in life. Don't risk that by acting inappropriately. And if the professor does -depending on what it is - I know most institutions have ways of reporting it. Do not take special privileges - also because if your classmates find out that could affect their studies and grades too - that could invalidate the exam everyone studied for. For example. Do the right thing even when it's hard.

Just wanted to add I think it's fine for people to "censor" themselves with their partners based on sensitivities -just depends on the extent and how much it affects daily life. My mom before she was widowed used to joke when our landline rang and she couldn't get to the phone "oh please tell my lover I'll call him back!" My mom who'd met my dad when she was 16, only been with him lol. She'd never have made that joke if it irritated my dad. I love my prom pictures. I've shared them via message/text with friends because of the 80s dress brand and -they're fun to share with friends. But if I shared them with my husband -or showed them to our son -he'd likely be annoyed -and he has no traumatic past, etc.. Should he be? I'd be totally fine if he showed me photos of a high school girlfriend at a formal (hypothetically) but I wasn't fine when he randomly said in the car as we drove by the street where his most recent ex lived in a far away city where we were visiting "Oh that's where ___ used to live!" -He hadn't mentioned her in years. I told him - to me that was inappropriate especially in front of our son -do you want him to ask who she is? He apologized -was a random comment. Just like if I showed him my prom photos it might have been with purely nostalgic intentions. It's like when in a relationship -at least I do this -if you want to talk about a country you visited but it was with an ex - it's nice to edit it out and simply describe what you saw or what you ate- not who you were with. I don't believe in letting it all hang out with your partner and I believe even with the best of intentions -of caring for your partner - sometimes we have to pause and say "oops maybe I shouldn't say that -I know he's sensitive on that subject". Or if you say it inadvertently as my husband did you apologize (he did) and you can say -sorry I just rambled" - that's where trust comes in -I trust him that he was just pointing stuff out and wasn't dwelling on his ex or secretly wishing he was with her. But if I didn't trust him I totally would have gone there -probably interrogated him. And if so we -wouldn't be married now I suspect. By contrast if I was never allowed to mention any place I'd visited because it connected to an ex- or he wasn't -that's -too much censoring. For me. It's a balance but to me "censor" isn't a dirty word. Walking on eggshells- yes. I think also it comes from a place of caring -so much of this is a nothing burger because when you care it's like second nature to absorb who your partner is and their particular sensitivities so quite often it doesn't feel like censoring, it just feels like common sense caring/politeness. But distrust erodes caring -they can coexist but the negativity from constant suspicion and distrust - how can caring survive? One more thing -he told you who he was if you'd listened -a long time ago. The shaving his body so strangers won't notice body hair is another example of his intense focus on looks and bodies. Which is fine for some I'm sure - cover for every pot - but where he goes with that focus -is not right for you. I agree with all the oil and water posters who commented. Again I am sorry for what you went through and I'm sorry you received that obnoxious text from him.

It doesn't matter at all - pretend it's spam.

OK this is just silly. Stop responding. Move along and live your life.

I must be culturally ignorant - why is body hair is not ok for a bath house? If you trust him it doesn't matter what his buddy does.

Well no he had done this sort of thing before, right? Look -I used to get very very triggered by any mention of - sorry if TMI -vomiting. Now I still get slightly triggered but not as bad. So my husband who I've known many years knows not to do that and also in the distant past used to warn me if a movie or show had that reference -if he knew. Obviously this was a trigger based on -a phobia of many years -and I own that it was a phobia -an extreme reaction -more than the average person -but since it's not a pleasant topic of discussion anyway I felt comfortable asking him not to talk about it if at all possible - so if he'd joked about it or made the -noises - I mean sure I'd have felt completely disrespected. I realize your trigger is based on a real and traumatic experience (where mine started from being sick a few times but obviously most people experience that and are not traumatized) or experiences and I am very sorry you went through that - awful!. But give me a break is it too much to ask a man who cares for you not to mention those sorts of subjects - it's not like he needs to to function in daily life! Sorry the whole thing you described really upsets me -on your behalf.

You know I reread what you wrote -I see -you think if they don't keep in touch they won't show up? I personally wouldn't take it that way and I respect your feelings -feelings are feelings! But very often especially these days people confirm day of right? Or you can.

That is what I meant by mistake -he meant to text it to his guy friend as a joke - and texted her. I agree about trigger - and yes that is what I meant for sure.

I would have been done unless it was some sort of mistake or a one time situation where he immediately apologized. He chose to get drunk and stoned and therefore he chose the consequences. I'd be repulsed and I have no triggers you describe you have. Why would he ever think a woman -his partner -would ever find that amusing or interesting? Oh and I kissed a male chippendales dancer at a bachelorette party - I was a teenager - in the 1980s - and no way would I have wanted a photo taken or dished about it with whoever I was dating (I think I did have a boyfriend -my high school sweetheart and yes he'd have been ok with my doing that -but -still!). I mean sure some couples would get turned on but he's just acting nasty when he knows that triggers you.

I'd brush it off and respond "thanks for your text -I'm not comfortable sharing my plans or schedule with you under the circumstances. Take care. "

I think you give it time while you build a fun fulfilling life - no need to date to do so. Build it one step at a time and the more you do -things with others, things for yourself - the more you will create distance from him in a positive way. I am 57. I have never met any healthy stable person who enjoyed -other than maybe in teensy weensy doses -being around a needy adult. For sure needy if the adult was in crisis/ill/in a bad situation - but needy in general - nope. I do know of unhealthy people who enjoy being around needy people - they feel powerful, they can easily control the person, etc. I would not tell myself that someone will love you for who you are when -you don't. You're not happy with certain aspects of who you are. And for sure I wouldn't take my emotional temperature after working as hard and as intensely as you do and when you're tired -that's a really fragile, vulnerable time! I hope you feel better and slowly think outside the box -fun fulfilling life need not include dating if you're not ready, especially. Creating that life will improve your self esteem in a natural/organic way. It's not "work" that way -it's an outgrowth of walking the walk -showing yourself you are a person who creates and proactively gets out there to experience and do things that are fun and/or meaningful to you. Then let yourself have a specific 5-10 minute "pity party" every day or so where you dwell on your ex.

Why should he have any further contact before meeting in person? I can see if the purpose was to develop a penpal/chat buddy interaction but isn't the point to meet in person to see if you should go on a first date in the future? He can get to know you when he meets you -isn't that the point of dating? From a practical perspective he's probably setting up a bunch of first meets so limited time to type and talk to each one and/or he doesn't want to build unrealistic expectations from typing and talking before meeting. I don't remember any further contact prior to meeting other than maybe to confirm the plan -and I liked it that way.

I’d stop pursuing ventures that require $$ investment. You don’t have that and also as others said those businesses are highly competitive and saturated. How about revisit that in 5 years. See if you can put a bit aside each month for that goal. Invest it wisely and safely. See where you are in a couple of years. It’s not realistic to think you’re going to raise capital to try out one of these risky ventures. You don’t have angel investors or a trust fund. That’s the reality. I think what your professors said is lovely. How many interviews did they offer to get for you. How many phone calls did they make on your behalf ? How many names did they give you for people to contact for potential jobs or interviews or internships?

I wanted to clarify - many men are fine being the primary breadwinner. Even prefer it. Many people are not fine getting seriously involved with a person who is chronically unemployed/pursuing careers/businesses that will cost a lot to invest in and are very risky/and or are financially unstable/not financially independent. You're not just asking a man to be the primary provider but to be ok with your financial instability/unemployment and investing lots of time and likely money in risky pursuits. I'd get that straightened out before trying to date in any serious way. I agree with Jaunty.

OK maybe a total coincidence but I'll share this OP with the purpose of -I hope you feel better about this and I'm really sorry you've endured this jerky treatment In 2005 I was single and childless -well I had just started an exclusive relationship with a boyfriend -my future husband! - but it was only a few months having gotten back together. We were late 30s. I invited him to my friend's bday party for her 1 year old -she invited us. She used a sperm donor and was single (went on to have 3 more babies on her own with the same sperm donor). I came and brought a gift. In front of my bf and me, after I said "oh he's so adorable!" she said "aren't you jealous?? don't you wish you had one??" She knew I most certainly did want a baby but only with a husband in a stable happy marriage. My boyfriend was APPALLED. He was shocked she could be this rude. I did think she had something to "prove" and 3years later she joyfully called me to tell me I could get an appointment that just opened up for artificial insemination (which I'd never told her I wanted to do). I didn't tell her that I was in my first trimester -and getting married -(and she didn't tell me she was preggers with her third). I think she really wanted maybe validation? Yes we stayed friendly -but that comment..... so I cannot imagine how you've endured you have. I'm really sorry to her that.