NoMoreWill

I still think about her everyday.. It's unfortunate but the only way I can deal is to start hating her.. I'm beginning to feel my anger rise towards her. Does anyone else ever start getting mad or angry at their ex?

Thank you for the kind words. You're right, misery loves company.

I do love her and I want her to be happy. But, there's always a part of you that wishes it would fail. Misery loves company, as they say. Plus, it's not that I wish it will fail, I bet it will fail. Yes, you are right. I just can't see my life without her in it somehow. At this point, I'm pretty dry. I've streamed enough tears that I don't know how my eyes produce more.

I don't share your opinion on rarity. But that's for another thread -- I don't want to hijack.

I would highly recommend not taking any SSRI. I was on one for anxiety and it made me angry and aggressive and it took me two months to get over them (cold turkey). The withdrawals are terrible. Yes, the body becomes addicted to them. Look up: I am not saying don't take anti-depressants but be very careful. I know that the particular drug I was on wasn't for me but I am very weary these days of taking any drug that messes with the chemistry of my brain. I'd much rather be slightly anxious than angry and slightly suicidal (these feelings multipled when I stopped taking them). Research is always best.

It's been over three months now since my break up. I thought I was doing better; I've been seeing a therapist and trying to keep myself occupied and I was just accepted into a Bachelor's Program at a great school yet I still feel empty and lonely and unwilling to move on in my life. I saw her last week because she wanted to give me something back of mine. I keep wondering why she didn't just send it to me. We talked about her relationship with her husband and how he's trying but I truly believe it's all smoke and mirrors; that he's doing it all just so that she'll stay and take care of him and that he doesn't love her. She says she loves him and needs to try to make it work, even though she admitted that all she's doing is trying to fulfull her obligations as a wife and that she was scared of committing to me -- it was easier to go back to an established marriage. If it weren't for him, we'd be together. How silly is that?? I told her I wanted her to be happy and that she should try her hardest to make it work because if it fails, she'll know she tried. I told her I would never call her again but would love to eventually be friends one day, if that were possible. In the end I told her I missed and loved her and she said the same and we held each other and kissed goodbye. I tried to avoid kissing her on the lips but she kissed me instead. It's the little things that confuse me, like the kiss and the embraces. I don't know how to explain it but I could just feel "it". It reinforces my thoughts of her being in denial. Since this meeting, I have regressed back into my depression and have been worse than ever. I keep trying to analyse everything and being logical about the whole situation. At the same time, I'm trying to be "a man" about it -- being jovial, non-chalant, making fun, saying I'm over it but secretly I cry for her almost every day and I seriously hope their marriage fails. It's all a lie in my eyes. Yes, I need to move on. Yes, I'll eventually heal and yes.. I'm sure there's someone better. But, I want HER. I'm sure most of you understand when I say she was the one. Unfortunately, she's married to the wrong man. I know she loves me. I know she misses me. But I know her fear and obligations are all that keep her from leaving him. He's a weak man, always begging her to come back after apologizing and backpeddling. And I know she'll never leave him. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying, really I am. I've come to realise that logic doesn't stand a chance when dealing with the heart. I can come to so many logical conclusions and analyse their relationship and all the things said between them and their behaviour towards one another yet it's all out the window when it comes to fear, obligation, guilt and love. And I feel so helpless because I want to help her see it but I can't; it's not my job to. I just have to watch and wait for the trainwreck to happen. Though I don't wait for her to return, I do hope that she will. This, too, I have to get over. In my heart of hearts, I truly believe she's in love with me and wants to be with me. But it can never be because of her obligations to him. And now I'm beginning to hate her and I don't want that. I don't want to hate her. All these emotions are driving me insane. It is comforting to have a group here that I can read their experiences and know that I'm not alone with these feelings. I sympathise and suffer both at the same time with everyone. Thanks for reading my rant...

That's more of the situation I was in (except she didn't leave her husband). She said she loved us equally. It was something I couldn't accept and I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. I do believe she loves her husband. I believe she cares about him and all of the things that entail that. However, I don't think she's IN love with him; it's just easier for her to go back to him. And another question -- could being love with one person make it more difficult to cultivate love for the other person?

I would like to know if anyone has ever experienced loving two people at once? Being with one you're envolved with and then meeting another whom you cultivate a relationship and fall in love with. This isn't my situation, I could never love two people equally at the same time. I believe love is only meant for one person. One can love others in ways like friendship or family but... to be IN love with two people? Is it possible? And what do you say to someone who says they're in love with two? How do you rationalize that? I'm very curious.

Then let me turn it around and ask, if she loves her husband like she says she does, why did she cheat on him on the first place? And she did try. We lived together for 9 months. Her husband knew but kept prodding her to come back. Guilt is a horrible thing. Thanks for your views on the matter though.

I disagree. Guilt, pressure from family, church and friends, commitment to vows are strong factors to keep someone from doing what they really want to do. And how would "feeding me lines" make me feel better? Telling someone you love them but can't be with them makes it all better?

Thanks for your input. It is easier said than done, though. What complicates matters is that I used to be a friend of his. I'm sure the trust issue will be even harder to overcome for him. I don't plan to contact her, it's NC from here on out. I told her the last few times she did this (she has bounced back and forth between me and him a few times) that in order to make sure her relationship is dead or not is to go full commitment and do what needs to be done to make it work. If it doesn't work then she can finally let him go because in the end, she'll know for sure whether it was meant to be or not. She's finally doing that. Personally, I believe it's beyond saving. But that's my personal opinion and not hope. And whether I'd take her back after a possible failure is still debatable but who knows (though, if this were a perfect world, I would). Life is a strange thing. But, I'm not waiting, just watching... I've been trying my hand at dating (a whole other can of worms.. what a mess), though I don't think I'm ready for another relationship yet. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. I think that axiom does not apply to everyone. Yes.. Karma is already kicking me in the head.. Call me masochistic..

Last night the ex and I got together for drinks because she needed to return something to me. I could have just said send it to me but.. I wanted to see her. How stupid of me. As we talked she told me that she and her husband (she had cheated on him with me, then left him for me and then went back) have reconciled and she'll be moving back in with him within the next month. It kind of stunned me because she wasn't sure if she even wanted to get back with him. But, they had a sitdown and seemed to have made some "progress". The conversation steered towards the subject of us and she acknowledged that she still loved me very much and that she missed me and that she still thinks of me often. But she needed to focus on her marriage and to try and make it work. Yet, as the conversation progressed, she revealed more and more that led me to believe that her feelings are still very strong for me. (The thought of me still gave her the "warm and fuzzies" and that the sex was "the best she'll ever have") I gave her my blessing and told her that I hope she finds happiness in her relationship with him. She's been through so much and is still kind of confused about everything and needs very much to make this work for her sanity. To me, I believe it will fail as he still doesn't trust her (as he asks her often if she talks to me still) and hasn't changed at all to try and compromise at being the man she wants him to be. Plus, I think it will fail because her feelings for me are strong and I don't think they'll abate any time soon. I still love her very much and, inside, honestly believe she should be with me instead of him. But, they are married and that nullifies any right I may have to be with her. I'd like to stick it out and wait to see what happens, as I give it less than a 10% chance of succeeding, despite their (read: HER) efforts, like counselling and such. This is not to say I'll wait for her... but I'd like to keep open a chance if there is one. In the end, her happiness is most important to me. I'm trying to regain my foothold on some sort of happiness but it's a hard road to travel. Is it wrong that a side of me hopes it fails?

I've been in a similar situation (luckily, no children) -- being the man who the wife has fallen for. The woman I was in a relationship with up until recently was married. I met her through, who used to be, a good friend of mine. She and I became very close and one thing led to another. We actually fell in love and she ended up leaving him. She actually would go back and forth for awhile until I thought would be the last time when we moved in together. She ended up going back because of her obligations to her marriage, the vows and the fact she, too, is a Christian who thought she lost her way. He did find out and in turn, so did all of our friends. It became a mess. But, she got all the things from me she didn't get from her husband - a feeling of true love, support, emotionally, physically and in life. Our sex life was better than theirs and I made her feel like she could do anything she wanted. Yet, she says that he's a good man and that she loves him (to which I still don't believe). But, they are married and she wishes to give it (yet) another chance. My suggestion -- divorce. He will find out. And once trust has been violated, it will be almost impossible to get back. Plus, if you're not getting what you want out of your relationship, what makes you think he'll ever change to give it? Unlikely, in my opinion. I know my ex is miserable still. He hasn't changed. And I told her, "I told you so." But now she's got to deal with it. Don't make that mistake. But don't steal another married man. Find another.

So, it's been about 2 months since the break up. I've gone through some serious hell between then and now and it's gotten better, yes. Time does heal emotional wounds, be it slow and winding. With that said, today would have been our one year anniversary. I'm not a big fan of Christmas to begin with but today I thought I'd be okay yet too many memories flooded my head and I went mental. The last time I talked to her was about three weeks ago when I asked for some things back. A little backstory - She left her husband to be with me. After about 9 months of living together, she decided to go back to him (and he to take her back). I know the reasons for her decisions but they're not important. We talked as I got my things back -- she gained 15 lbs; she looked pregnant she had gotten so big, she was still miserable, her husband didn't trust her, she acknowledged the fact that I made her happy and that I treated her right yet... she was still with him and that she was going to try. Again, reasons are not important. This isn't a need for advice or anything. I know eventually it will get better but right now I'm saddened, especally because I know their relationship is doomed (please don't try to say otherwise) and yet... Anyway, thanks for reading and Merry xmas.

Seek counselling. I was rather angry after my breakup and not only wanted to destroy everything around me but I was also thinking of "doing myself in" as well. I think, though, it was partly related to the anti-depressant I was taking and how it was affecting my mood. I've since stopped taking the medication and have also sought counselling. I'm much more stable now and feel "content". I still miss her terribly but it's gotten much easier over the last month.