Outcast-Angel

lol, thanks. i agree, this thread is much er.. nicer now that it's back on track. btw, sxc, you can get a guy to do my #4 fav to you (you can always shift a bit so he can actually penetrate you). tons of fun.

lmao, alright, top 5 would have to be.. strap missionary no strap, standing up facing each other, and leaning against a wall 69 handcuffed together, i like to pull my partner onto my lap so she's facing away from me, and finger her with the hand that's cuffed to hers, leaving my other had free to wander and #5 would be.. one of us cuffed to the bed while the other gives oral.

lol, not exactly the ones you'd likely find yourself in. i'm a lesbian, so it's a bit different.

being handcuffed is always fun, whether it's to the bed or just one of my wrists cuffed to my partner's. otherwise, 69 is definitely one of the top 5.

good suggestion, i've heard a few of their songs, but i'm having a hard time finding one of their CD's. nightwish is another good one.

20-30 and you never passed out or puked or anything worse than a tummy ache??? 13 of those things knocks me out, the last time i took more than 20, i was unconscious for 15 hours. the last time i took more than 30 i ended up in the hospital. you got off lucky, if that's all you got from all those pills.. but um.. i guess you already know that messing around with pills like that is a bad idea.. i wouldn't worry too much about liver damage if it's been a few years since you did that, you don't drink or smoke or anything like that, and you haven't had any serious problems yet. young bodies heal themselves amazingly well.

suicide will not make everyone happier. your mom will be devestated. and whether or not your dad shows it, so would he. it wouldn't make you happier. because this is the thing. if you kill yourself, you're dead, and you won't know how your life would turn out. you'll never know what love is like. you won't know what it feels like to finally be done with high school. if you ever find yourself a breath away from killing yourself, you need to call a crisis line. or, you could break your mother's heart. it is your choice in the end. but i think you need to give yourself breathing room. stop thinking about all the reasons you should kill yourself. start thinking about the reasons you shouldn't.

ok, first off, there's nothing wrong with still being a virgin. i've always been impressed if i meet someone who waiting till they were actually legal before having sex. too many of todays youths are pressured into having sex young.. i did, and i've regreted it every day since. so don't worry about it! look at it this way, no one can spread rumours that you're got an STD or anything like that. as for your football team, there's no way that that's acceptable behavior. i've been on sports teams, and i've coached them. i know that some pranks are to be expected. but why do they single you out so much? where are your coaches, when all of this is going on? do you even enjoy playing? if your coaches aren't aware of what goes on, they should be made aware of it, immediately. if they are, and just don't do anything about it, i don't think you should continue to play on that team. high school if a hard place to be, i know. good news though, it doesn't last forever! the name calling is immature, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. (nerds can be hot, btw, and usually pretty smart.) why do you care what they call you? they clearly don't know you, if they don't hang out with you. hang in there, i'm wishing you luck, and hope you feel better.

sex music.. is a risky thing. first off, you likely both have to be into the same kind of music. but also, the kind of sex that you have changes with different kinds of music/background noise. like if my s/o leave the tv on, with cartoons or some goofy movies on, it's more playful. partly because either of us'll hear something funny, and start laughing. doesn't make for a very romantic time. but afterwards, there's more cute things you can crack jokes about. my ex and i used to listen to stuff like cradle of filth and rob zombie all the time, and the sex was always more intense than if something like OLP or Sum 41 was on. is it just me, or is it just better if you keep the music turned down just enough so that you can still hear your partner's breathing go ragged, or those little moans and so on..?

first off, don't go strictly by your BMI. that thing is not formulated to everyone's exact body type. example: my bmi is currently like 23.5, almost above average, right? but according to my doctor, i'm actually a little underweight. BMI's don't properly take into account muscle mass. i totally get hating to look in the mirror. but hun, the best thing you can do is to look in the mirror. decide exactly what it is you don't like. but then find the things you do like, be it the colour or shape of your eyes, your nose, your ankles or your knees or toes.. your belly button, or your back. maybe it's the texture of your skin. just remember. everyone has something about themselves that they don't like. if you think you should be smaller, try eating a balanced diet, which includes at least 3 meals a day, and exercizing. toned stomachs look nicer than emasticated ones.. and curves look sexier than angles and bones sticking out. ask your friends, i'm sure they'll tell you. good luck, i know you can beat this whole thing.

tyler711 and anonymous presense are both right. it does depend on the person's intention. if a person start smoking, and doesn't realise the dangers, or just don't believe that it could hurt them, it's clearly not SI, because the intent or desire to injure themselves isn't there. when they're addicted, and get stressed out, and crave a cigarette, it's because of the effects the chemicals in it have on the body. it does relax them, and calm them down. if a person is aware that of the risks, and starts smoking because of that risk, i'd say it's an indirect form of SI, because there isn't any gurantee that they'll be affected.. so it's not like cutting, or burning yourself, or any direct sort of SI. however, if you're like me, and asthmatic, and allergic to smoke, and smoke when you're upset, but can't get away to be by yourself to indulge in SI in private, that does classify as SI. because i know it'll make me sick, at the very least. at it's worst, i'll pass out, or stop breathing.

i am dramatic in my writing. but that's about it. well.. maybe in my thoughts, too, i guess. but if you were to meet me on the street, you'd never guess it. i actually am working on writing something.. i'm not sure that it'll amount to anything though. i keep putting it down, and chasing after some other project..

i'm sorry.. sarcasm is an unfortuante defensive mechanism. and i can appreciate that you're trying to help, but.. i duon't know. maybe i'm just frusterated, and tired of trying so hard to not cry, or to be tough. it's all about what peope see, you know? if what they see on the outside looks fine (especially if they think you're pretty), than you must really be ok. it's a skill that i've perfected over the years. i've looked the truth in the face several times, actually. all that i've been able to accomplish is a semi-victory over anorexia and then bulemia. don't get me wrong. i still relapse. in fact, the more i smoke, the less i eat. but anyways.. i'm not actually angry at you. it's all being misdirected, and i appologize. but i couldn't let my brain burn, and my wrists itch. the next stage involves hallucinations, with the bugs, and maggots under my skin, and Charlie whispering mean and ugly things in my head, and i don't know any other way to make him stop except the blood. p.s. i know i'm crazy. but knowing it isn't half the battle, cause it doesn't help.

i can't beat it. it's as much a part of me as my arms, or heart. every beat of my bitter heart pumps darkness through my brain, and it's an endless litany of hatred, and self disgust, and a death wish. i'm supposed to get checked for cancer every 6 months. i stopped going, and started smoking. why? because i'm going to get cancer. i just thought it might speed things along. it's disgusting, and i hate it. but apparently it's better than cutting, right? oh wait. i haven't stopped that either. i want the world to stop spinning. but wait, maybe i'm just high. i want to stop giving myself excuses as to why i feel the way i do, but wait! it doesn't matter if i take the reasons away, i still feel that way! i'm really sorry. i'm just so freaking out right now. and since yuou've felt everything i have, i'm sure you'll understand. but my brain is on fire, and my wrists are itching. so i'll check back later. i just want to scream

Attempt Redemption Tell me i'm real, so you can shut me out watch me fade so you don't have to care tell me i'm beautiful so i can tell when you lie leave me broken so i can't break on my own tell me i've hurt you so i can hurt myself more cut my mind open, redemption made in blood tell me i'm ordinary so i don't have to try let myself fall down in the dark once again tell me the story of the love of your life so i can look in the mirror and know it's not me tell me all the things a good girl should be so i'll know i'm not ideal, never could be tell me you're leaving so i'll have time to cry time to hate all the things in me to beg forgiveness when you can't hear to punish me more, things you'll never find out attempt redemption, commit sacrafice.

then maybe i'm just a loser.

bethany... i hate to break it to you, but i don't go to the doctor's for broken bones, or dislocations. the only time i did make an appearance there for a broken bone was when i was 14, when i broke my hand boxing... and my parents made me go, after about 2 weeks of me being stubborn. i will not go to the doctor's, i won't take meds. which is ironic, since i don't seem to mind taking drugs instead. but that was besides the point. becallamjr, thanks for the vote of confidence... but i'm not always coherent. and they do lock you away if you're a danger to yourself. sometimes i get these strange urges.. like to gouge out my eyes, or smash my arm with a hammer, or swallow a bottle of pills or bleach.. or to go lay down in the street at night. i generally have to sit on my hands, or otherwise physically restrain myself to prevent myself from giving in to those urges. that, or i have to SI instead. what's wrong with getting help? in theory, nothing. but if they take away all my emotionalities... there'll be nothing left. well.. assuming they take the hallucinations, too. Antilove Superstar... those auditory hallucinations are a pain, and can be really confusing. but i think that the high speed self-narrative inside your head probably does more psychological damage.

the voices aren't mine, exactly. they're familiar.. but definitely not mine. i mean.. ugh, it's so hard to explain. i know they've got to be mine, because they're inside my head. but they're full of emotions, or cruelty, and just.. different from mine. it doesn't make sense. a doctor? are you nuts? they'll toss me a bunch of pills, at best. or they'll lock me up in the psych ward. i don't even go to the doctor's for my cancer checks anymore. i can't be officially crazy. it's bad enough that they've got it on record at the hospital that i ODed and cut.

Bethany, of course the voices are just in my head. it's difficult to explain though. i guess i have different emotionalities. they aren't quiet personalities, but they do have their own names. it's kinda complicated, and i'm sure i've just made myself sound even crazier than before. i call them emotionalities because they're almost different personalities, but only certain emotions go with each one. like one's super nervous all the time, and very neurotic. she's a total perfectionist, and it drive me crazy. but one's really sweet, and creative, and just kinda... carefree. i'm not going to tell you their names. but there are 5 of them, and me. i think that only 2 of them are really bad, and scary. but i've had them for a long time. it's not so bad, unless they start argueing. or, maybe i'm just in denile and they really are personalities. but i don't want to be crazy. anyways.. thanks becallamjr. i'm sorry that you do know how i feel. i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

you need to set regular meal times for yourself, and stick to them. if you get hungry in between, chew some gum, drink some water or juice.. i know it's hard. but you can learn to eat healthy again. keep in mind that the meals need to be healthy, and balanced..

rozi, i'm sorry, i know i should probably respond when i'm more sober, but well.. yeah. i'm here now, so i figured i'd answer now. as for that "things will get better, people love you, you'll hurt them" speach.. i don't think i should start argueing, actually. cause lets face it; i'm high. and my current logic is very circular. it's prettier that way. and time won't heal these wounds. i'm cut to the quick, and there's a poison in my soul. it's hallowed me out, and left a scarred, ugly, stupid, useless, fat, lieing * * * * * where all my potential and hope and faith should be. thank you for responding though.. it was very sweet of you.

thanks sweetheart.. i'm not entirely certain that we're exactly the same, but we do seem to have certain similarities. i dream about my ex's all the time.. mostly just the worst one, but it took remembering one of the sweetest, most cherished relationships of my life to bring me to my knees. it's one of the things i'm best at: forgetting. depression does rob you of everything. i don't think i can even learn to be like everyone else. i don't think i can learn to trust again, or love with all my self. i don't think i'll ever close my eyes at night without being afraid of what i'll see in my head. and i'll never be able to sort out what's real and what's not without watching everyone else around me. every moment of happiness that i'll ever have will be tainted by the fear that any second i'll crash. as for meds.. it's really a perfectly reasonable suggestion, but i simply won't entertain it. i have a horror of becoming dependant on meds. also, i'm terrorfied of doctors. although, i did land myself in the ER a few months ago, because of OD and slitting my wrists. they thought i was on speed or something, because i was shaking so bad.. i wasn't. i'd only taken advil.. i was just that scared. i bailed out of there the second i finished the charcoal.. and no one ever said anything. i used to say that if i drove myself this far into insanity, i can bloody well turn myself around, and fix myself. thing is, i'm all spun around, and i don't know which way is out anymore.. you're right about alcohol, it doesn't help. but it lets me cry. which is sometimes a big relief. and the drugs.. well, they make me really mellow, usually. and as long as i'm on them, the hallucinations don't mean i'm crazy, just that i'm trippin. cause it's normal to see things when you're high. and it's normal to not want to eat, and it's normal to not sleep. it is scary to be where i am now. but this isn't the worst of it. i won't be there for another week or two. when i get there, i won't be online, i'll be curled up in my room, probably in the closet. or at the store, getting some more advil, and a nice bottle of wine.

so i'm sure that a few of you have noticed that i haven't been doing too well lately. maybe it's just part of my normal rollercoaster-like depression. not that i've ever been diagnosed... but anyways! for a couple days, maybe even just over a week, i was doing good. granted, it was mostly because i'd decided that i'm not going to live past my 20th birthday, which is only a few months off. things just seemed easier to handle once i'd gotten that all decided and such. only then i stopped sleeping again. so i started drinking again, and since that doesn't actually help anything, and it got worse, and i started hallucinating again, i started getting high again. because when i'm high i really don't care. i've been sober for the past 3 days though, and reality is setting in, and everything just seems to pointless. all last week i wanted to destroy something beautiful. i didn't think i could feel much worse. i found an msn convo from a few years ago, between my ex gf and myself. i thought my heart was done breaking. i was wrong. reading it, i felt broken all over again. it just hurt. to see how much i've changed, how much i've lost. did you know that i used to be genuinely chipper, and cute, and sweet? did you know i used to make people smile? did you know that i used to smile honestly? i miss her, and i forgot that she left a void in my heart when she went away, and changed. and now i remember. and it's horrible, and it aches, and i just want to forget the way things were. because when i remembered how i was with her, and how much it hurts that she's gone and we both moved on, i remembered everything else. because she was there, and helped me through most of it. how did i get so bitter, and twisted? what happened to me? how could i just let everything that was good about my life slip through my fingers? why did i clutch all the bad so close to my heart, and believe everything those stupid ******* voices whispered to me? i wanted to destroy something beautiful. thing is, i already have. and realising what i could have been, what i was, it's killing me, and i can't even cry it hurts so much. the only way i know to escape this ache is to get high, and cut myself. no amount of writing it out, or listening to music, or talking to anyone is going to help. it doesn't matter how many miles i run.. i can't get away from it.

you can still kiss like you used to. my barbell never gets in the way. but it does give the other person something else to play with.