Outcast-Angel

of course i don't want other people to punish me. i just validate my emotions, and punish myself for anything i think is "wrong" or for thinking certain things.. my god, if others said or did half the things i do to myself, i probably would have succeeded in suicide by now. i need others to treat me normally, or i tend to break.

hey, thanks laura! i'm glad you liked it.. i'll keep working on stuff so i can post more for you, and anyone else who likes it.. although, i'm not sure that it's all talent. probably at least 50% raw emotion. it's always easy to write about something if you feel keenly on the subject. ~O.A.

Reason by outcast-angel Why don't you see that i'm not holding on for me that you're my only reason, you're my sanity. why can't you see the pain that tortures the pain that sears my mind that breaks my heart millions of pieces every day but i lost them all to you you're my only reason you're my last anchor you stop me from cutting too deep from cutting too close i'm torn and that's nothing new but before i had you now i'm hanging by a thread shards of pain in my brain like knife wounds in my gut my cut's getting deeper alone and cutting closer my pulse getting weaker louder till i can't hear you eyes close till i can't see you memory fades till i don't know you why didn't anyone see that i wasn't holding on for me that when i lost my reason i lost my sanity

i'm gunna have to point out that the only reason we're the best at punishing ourselves is because we know ourselves better than anyone else. so we can come up with things that effect us the most. not that i'm gunna encourage people to punish themselves in the way that i do. cause it's actually not healthy. but it's most effective for me.

there's always room for one more on the couch, i guess. besides.. if we didn't punish ourselves, who would?

thanks.. i'm not sure that it really flows very well though.

thanks.. glad i'm not alone in feeling like that. not that i'd ever wish it on anyone.. just that misery loves company.

Attempt Redemption by outcast-angel Tell me i'm real, so you can shut me out watch me fade so you don't have to care tell me i'm beautiful so i can tell when you lie leave me broken so i can't break on my own tell me i've hurt you so i can hurt myself more cut my mind open, redemption made in blood tell me i'm ordinary so i don't have to try let myself fall down in the dark once again tell me the story of the love of your life so i can look in the mirror and know it's not me tell me all the things a good girl should be so i'll know i'm not ideal, never could be tell me you're leaving so i'll have time to cry time to hate all the things in me to beg forgiveness when you can't hear to punish me more, things you'll never find out time to attempt redemption, commit sacrafice.

So Trivial by outcast-angel When you're drowning in thoughts, it can be hard to distinguish what's real. Limits seem so trivial when you're looking down from somewhere outside the mortal coil, seem so pointless when you find yourself looking with envy at the morning obituaries, looking with longing at your bottled bleach. Threads of humanity teathering you to yourself seem so thin when you can't recognize a simple sensation of touch, and you're just hallow, emotionally numb. Breathing seems so trivial when you can't feel the sweet cool air fill your lungs, seems so pointless when you can't find the strength to scream, can't find the strength to say you tried. When you're drowning in memories it's easy to forget what's now. Limits seem so trivial when you're falling off the edge, seem so pointless when your life can't get any less perfect, when life is stretching your will tightly around your throat. Threads of sanity seem so frayed when you don't recognize the words your mouth speaks, when you can't tell where your blood end, and your flesh begins. Breathing seems so trivial when you're choking on old truths, seems so pointless in a state of hysterical desperation, in a state of permenent confusion.

sugar, take a breath. ED's suck, i know. but you can get rid of them. it just takes a lot of hard work, and effort.. and some support. you can live with it until you get better. honest. lots of us have, or are still living with our ED, and working on getting better while we go about our lives.. i understand that it's frusterating, but punishing yourself won't help. what's wrong with you is probably to some degree, a matter of being dehydrated, and your electrolytes and potassium levels being low. it throws your brain chemistry way out of wack. so try this for a few days; eat small amounts several times a day. and don't drink water or anything in between bites, that just makes purging easier.. and honestly don't go anywhere near a bathroom for an hour or so after you've eaten.. have some water with you all the time, and take small sips of it throughout the day. see if you feel better after a day or two. if you do, that's awsome. if you don't, that's ok too. just keep trying. maybe go see a doctor. sometimes i get super frusterated and upset too, and all i want to do is scream and scream until some one hears me. try going for a run the next time you feel like that, or maybe yell into your pillow. it should relieve some of your anger. but sweetie, don't give in and kill yourself. you'll never know what you could do, or whos life you could have touched if you do. you'll never know how happy you might be in a just a few months, or maybe a few years down the road. talk to us. we're here to help. ~O.A.

sweetheart, cutting is not a good thing to do.. but doubtless, you know that already. since it obviously helps you cope,and you're not inclined to see a doctor (not that i blame you on that point) i'm going to have to suggest that you clean it out really well with some rubbing alcohol a few times a day, and put some neosporin on it.. i'd also say that if you are going to cut, that you pick an area less likely to come in contact with germsa and dirt... not that i'm encouraging the behavior. also, look up some first aid.. and keep the notes with you when you do cut. it's not a healthy coping mechanism, but if it's the one you've got, be safe about it.. please. you should also consider either sterilizing the tools, or getting some new, sterile tools.. and, since you are young, and have a good chance of developing new coping mechanisms, i'd suggest talking to a doctor about this stuff. it doesn't have to be your family doctor. and your parents don't have to know about it. or, you could talk to someone here about what's bothering you so much.. ~O.A.

hey, i get what you mean. i don't like talking about my past either. hell, i don't even like talking about my now.. but you don't always have to. i've got friends, and i never tell them anything about my past that isn't strictly neccesary.. and that's none of the darker stuff. i know that whatever is in your past might haunt you, but don't cling to it. you define who you are. decide who you want to be, and leave who you were behind. it makes things a lot simpler.

ok, well.. do you ever catch yourself wanting to do sexual acts with other women when you're checking out other womens' breasts, or not? like do you ever get an urge to kiss them, or something, or is it just like a general being turned on? like i said before.. either way, it's not abnormal. just be yourself, and you'll be fine.

i think that the main question you need to be asking yourself is whether or not female breasts arouse sexual interest in you or not (as in, does it turn you on or not). and from that point you can work on where you're going with this from there. being impressed with or envious of another woman's cleavage is one thing, completely apart from being sexually attracted to the female form. either way, i wouldn't worry about it too much.. neither is abnormal.

thanks for the input.. i think you'll find that everyone here who cuts is aware that it leaves scars. i mean.. how could we not be? cutting works for us in a lot of different ways. for one, it transforms emotional pain into physical pain, which, i for one deal with way better. we're also aware that most people find this habbit "sickening", but thank you for pointing it out to us all, possibly reminding a few of us why we don't tell people that we do it.. as for how to stop, the real trick is to replace this coping mechanism with another one that's just as effective for you as cutting is. i'm not saying that that's going to be easy or anything. i've yet to do it. take to cleaning the house when you feel like cutting, to start cooking something, or write whatever thoughts flicker through your head in a notebook. or take up boxing or running or some sort of physical activity. anything that keeps your mind and hands busy, really.

hey, i get how you feel completely. but i'd suggest letting her know that while you're interested in her, you don't want to interfer with her relationship with her gf.. (trust me, it doesn't matter that she's on the other side of the country, making a move while they're still officially together will start a whole lot of drama.. which is less than fun to deal with.) tell her that for now you like hanging out with her, but if things were to ever change between her and her gf she should definitely let you know. good luck!

What's up with gay guys and womens' breasts, anyways? i mean.. i'm a lesbian, and i hang out with a lot of gay guys, and every time my friends and i go out to the bar, the guys end up grabbing either my or our lesbian friends' breasts.. a few of them actually seem a bit obsessed with the upper female anatomy.. it strikes me as rather odd. but as for the original thread, i wouldn't worry about noticing that a chick is hott. i mean.. you notice that girls in general pay attention to the way other girls look? in high school they tend to pick other girls apart, mostly focusing on the negative attributes... but with their friends they're always quick to tell each other that no, those pants don't make your butt look big, or how great they look or whatever. it could also just be that you're not actually sexually attracted to the women you notice.. you could just subconsciously want your breasts to look like that chick's.. or i could be wrong. but either way, i wouldn't worry about this too much!

Thanks darkblue, and butterflycloud. that one's probably my favorite so far.. i actually wrote it a while ago, and haven't really come up with anything as good since. i was going through my notebooks and stuff the other day and found it. wanted to see if it was actually good, or if it was just me.

i've never really had anyone criticize my poetry before.. thought it could help improve my writing if someone would tell me what could make it better.. your comments are muchly appreciated! Broken Like You by Outcast-Angel Alone in the cold winter she sat, Peaceful, unmoving as though she slept Snow tangled around her like crisp linen sheets No movement betrayed what she hid in her heart Then the clouds lifted, shadows removed there was blood on her mouth, sweet ichors of life There was death in her eyes, dancing under the moon and it sang her tale in a half-breath "I am the promise, broken like you" her lips never moved, eyes locked to mine But the cold wind flitted, whistling among the boughs and i saw the blood on her lips from her heart, imploded the death in her eyes, reflected in his and the winter of loneliness that sealed her fate. This was the deceit of love. There were no silken roses, those bushes lay barren by the road There was no fiery passion to heat the blood that lay spilt on the frozen floor. i looked at the moon and saw myself trapped, caught between a promise made, and a promise kept.

first of all, i would say that you need to examin your feelings more closely. are you just missing her company, or ar you actually attracted to her? if you really are attracted to her, i would suggest talking to her. she's already gone through discovering that she likes other girls, so maybe she can clear up some of your confusion. i absolutely adore some of my female friends, but i'm not in love with them. i am, however, completely gay. i understand your concern about your family. i'm not sure how mine would react, so i haven't told them for fear of rejection and anger. knowing for certain that they would reject me for it.. i don't know what to tell you. i'm waiting to tell them until i'm financially independent, so that if this causes some major problems, i don't have to worry so much.. i can always just move out. the only real advice i can give you is to be true to yourself. because if you're not, it's hard to find real happiness. good luck, and don't rush any decision. feel free to PM me or anyone else you think could help out, or give support.

i started going just over a year ago, and at first they made me go every 4 months. i don't know why they made it every 6 months now. but right after they changed it, they mailed me all this stuff about cancer. i still haven't read it. i honestly don't want to know. if i die, i die. but knowing how badly things can go can actually have a negative effect on the disease.. the mind makes things real, you know? i'm not going to find a new doc before i was supposed to have had my checkup. just thinking about having to start this whole thing all over makes me so nervous i feel nauseous.

i wasn't making the appointment for this stuff.. i have to go for my cancer check-up.. i'm supposed to go every 6 months. maybe i just won't go anymore though. i hate going. and then having to wait 2 weeks for them to tell me they still can't tell if i have cancer or not.. it's stupid. and a waste of my time, and energy.

So it's been 8 days since.. my last attempt. for a couple days i was ok, and now i know i'm starting another downwards spiral. i dropped out of university. i can't do it. i was stupid to think that i was ready for that. i don't know how i'm going to tell my dad. he's going to be so mad, and disappointed. and i'll have to tell him a reason why. i don't think i can tell him the real reasons. it'd be so hard on him to hear them. i tried to make an appointment with my doctor today. turns out she moved to Toronto a couple of months ago. i don't know what to do. i know that the obvious answer would be to find another doc. but i don't want to find a new one. it took months to find the one i had, and i didn't even really trust her. this blows.

i'm still here. i don't understand how or why, but there you have it. sorry about the french.. sometimes i slip back and forth between english and french. think in english, but write or speak in french.. or vice versa. dark blue's translation was close enough.

my plans for last night were ruined.. my friend Rae "kidnapped" me from work, just cause she missed me... but i kept up the countdown, and in the middle of the part we went to, it felt so wrong.. i was supposed to die a few hours ago. this isn't right. so i revised my plans, and i've taken the 26 advil that we had left tonight, instead of yesterday. things are starting to get blurry, and my mind is tired. so i'm assuming it's working. just wish i could take all the pain i might be causing with me. thank you all for trying to help. don't give up on yourselves, or on others, just because it was too later for me. vous m'avez donner un place le plus proche qu'un endroit ou je m'a sentie saufe que j'ai trouve au course de ma vie. merci. avec tous ma coeur, merci. ~Heather