LaHermes

Please Rivoli. Stop going over this again and again. Stop giving her space in your brain.! NOT your problem. This is several zeros to the left territory. Ther eis no need to listen to anything to know what you have to do and say. Just cut off. End of story.

I am still a most agreeable person, Lola, except when I am not! Even at age 19 or 20 I was very self-possessed. I see photos of myself back then, looking levelly right back at my present self. As a kid I would tell anyone who would listen that I wished to travel into space. I still would like to do that. I wasn't a frilly little girl and not much into dolls either. No sisters, just brothers, and my cousins were all male except for a couple much older females. They were far more fun and daring than little girls. I like men, have a lot of time for them. Writing. That is exactly the way the great authors went about it. "Write for yourself". If you write for gain or worse, to please people, you are doomed to failure. You write for your reader, to entertain, make them think, whet their curiosity. Hacks write for money, and that's all right too. A different category. Keep your writing to yourself while you are doing it. If you do need an opinion ask a literary agent. If you get published it doesn't matter a whit what the family think, or not. John Braine (Room at the Top) wrote a short little book sharing some of his tips for writing. Just to add that my husband says I was definitely a cat in another incarnation, lol.

Yes, under the tough exterior I am probably a romantic. Not into the "stars" but those of us born under Libra are said to be a bit that way. Lol. Iron hand inside the velvet glove. Heh heh. Let them pump, or deflate, their own egos. Always be straight up and shoot from the hip. Speaking of husbands, mine tells me I would have made an incredible prosecution lawyer. Lol. That's a good enough reason, Lolita. The great and famous authors did not write to impress, did not have to attend "creative writing classes" (ugh) and many or all of them got rejection slips. So, just write, Lolita, and keep writing. The work can be structured and knocked into shape at a later stage.

Time to try a different industry HK. Or train for a different industry. Yes?

Never mind that Rivoli. You need to stop her contacting you at all, ever. She can think as much as she likes. Not your problem.

Yes, you are being unrealistic. And you know it. Why waste any more of your valuable life? I don't think hope makes the world go round, but positive action sure does. Malignant hope may well make some sectors of the world tumble around.

My advice R. Don't do it, ever. Remember what I said earlier about "good deeds" lol. And I agree with Cher: "Psychologically sound and empathetic people attract alike minds. In the meantime, learn to be secure within your own skin, focus on your health, interests, hobbies, sports, etc and you will attract those who share your similar lifestyle and mindset" and this: "Maintain a frosty yet polite, safe distance from people who are not good for you, " There is nothing wrong Rivoli with being aloof and a little distant.

Come now, Rivoli. It isn't all that hard. Pick adults who behave like adults, and who are well able to look after themselves. They are easily recognizable by their demeanour. They have a balanced outlook and are not needy. You'd have to be a bit unhinged to keep phoning someone at 7 a.m.! Nothing wrong with doing a favour for a friend now and again of course. But that does not include being an unpaid recruitment agency or any kind of agency. Be thankful she didn't get a job where you work. She'd drive her colleagues and you right around the bend.

You see, Rivoli, this is exactly the type of person you need to avoid, always. Remember this very true saying: "No good deed goes unpunished." Get those boundaries more clearly defined. You are not a therapist, advisor, the Samaritans helpline, and indeed a recruitment officer. I would not refer anyone for any post, and less so this person you describe. People are perfectly capable of running their own lives, applying for their jobs, and if they aren't then there are professionals out there to assist them. She does this because she knows you will allow it. This is a "heart sink" kind of person, very negative and self-absorbed. You do not need that in your life. Do not befriend these types Rivoli. Talk to healthy people who are not looking for something, cling to you, and vampirize you. Healthy friends do not behave like leeches, they are well able to conduct their own affairs, do not have low confidence and are not awkward. Work on that Rivoli. Look long and hard at the persons you wish to befriend.

All too often, Lost. All too often.

Aaahh PDN. It isn't THAT bad! Lol. Life can be an uphill trudge at times. 2Some days you get the bear, some days the bear gets you. Not everyone IMO. Hey, PDN, maybe you are moving in the wrong circles. Hope the fruit flies are soon exterminated never to return again!

You are not the first, OP, and you won't be the last! Scores and scores, if not hundreds, of people have come here on finding themselves in the same predicament as you, and they never imagined either that something so painful could happen to THEM.

I heartily agree, Lost. Emotional affairs involve an intimacy where the cheater talks about things she should only talk about with her husband. Where she gives the new found "soulmate" access to her innermost thoughts, desires, and secrets, including all too often information about her husband and his shortcomings. A sort of "mind meld" develops, a closeness, where you (the spouse) is frozen out.. You can certain they are NOT conversing about the weather or the state of the nation!

A waste of time, OP. You won't get the truth. Take the excellent advice given by 99% of the posters. Each day of one's life is very valuable. Don't waste any days OP.

What are you afraid of, exactly? You said she admitted to an emotional affair and that is fine by you? She has lied repeatedly. She could (and would) actually meet this man in person at any time. The trust is gone, and well you know it OP. What is really drastic is staying in this dysfunctional situation. You will have to go it alone OP. Is that what is scaring you?

What are you going to do OP? And I'd forget about "repairs" if I were you. "she has admitted to an emotional affair".

Hate and rage. Not great ingredients for anything. When I said you were young, OP, (25) I also said you have your life before you, not about repairing anything. Since you mention years ago I assume you must have been practically a teen when you married. You say: Yes, you DO know what to do. And I wholly endorse DF's advice here: I will add, do not marry again until you are at least 30. And look long and hard at the person you join your life to.

And you do see the contradictions between the two sentence below? Yes? If she wanted to repair the marriage and actually loves you then she would not refuse to cut this individual out of her life. You know full well that THREE is a crowd in any marriage. It is not being a tyrant to ask her to decide which is it going to be: you (her marriage) or the amazing Mr. Thunderball. You are only 25 (you must have been very young indeed when you married as you say you moved abroad some years back). Yes? At 25 your whole life is before you. And being tied into this dysfunctional world of torment is not a good prospect, is it. Aside from this emotional affair, I am guessing you are likely ill-suited in the first place.

I don't know, OP. Does she refer to you as her BF? So, if you were introducing her would you just say "this is Jenny/Louise/Sally" , or say "this is my GF". If you mention her to other people do you refer to her as GF, or just as a "friend" or "my current date". I suppose if we get down to it, this is a "girl" who is your "friend". Hence GF. Maybe see what happens the next time you are introducing her and say "this is my GF".

Without hesitation I say go for it, OP! Don't stay behind with that millstone around your neck. A whole new world and experience lies before you. Just go!

Right OP. Dating, leading possibly to a relationship, should not be this difficult and filled with doubt. I don't think it is a good idea to apply the "check list" notion. Relationships need to be more fluid, indeed more relaxed. I do realise that your anxiety does indeed (as Bolt once said) steer your ship. All that said, I get the impression that you intuit that maybe she is not in it for the long haul. We can only give opinions here, as after all it is your relationship and you are seeing her in the flesh, and we are only seeing you here (in writing) on a screen. If she asks you along to meet family and friends, then by all meets do accept. Has she met yours?

Er, Waffle, I don't think I quite follow you. I don't think women are paying the 5 Euro or whatever at the door to be "objectified". I think it is simply the admittance fee to the premises. The same as the fee to enter any club. I have never been "objectified" outside my door for free or otherwise.

Dias has a point. The sex-starved (and even in these permissive times many do exist, for a number of reasons) , would crawl over broken glass just to "grab a look", never mind "grab a feel". And they are not oldsters either. There is even a disorder: Voyeuristic Disorder. In plainer terms "peeping Tom disorder", where the unfortunate can actually get into a venue (for big bucks) and "peep" (aka gawk) openly (not secretly) at the wares on display there.

I can assure you, Smackie, it is NOT me! LMAO.

Oddly enough, not so, heh heh. This link is long but here are photos of some of the diners. https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1PRFI_enGB848GB848&source=univ&tbm=isch&q="first+naked+restaurant"+bunyadi+uk&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiM6o-k37DyAhUHhv0HHaMZAb4Q420oAHoECA4QBA&biw=1920&bih=937 As for the topless bars (not the same as a strip club) there are all kinds having a drink in those, and the oldies in a minority.