LaHermes

Just feel so all over the place it’s so hard! That's what eleven years with this destructive individual has done to you. Get your courage together and ditch this loser.

Everyone here is thinking of what's GOOD for you, OP. You won't get bad advice either. What we want to hear now is what are you planning to do? It is good to write down your feelings. But even better to face up to him and clearly state you are no longer prepared to put up with his overbearing ways. You cannot just remain in limbo like this.

Why do you think that is? I would wager it is because of his treatment of you. His lack of respect, the way he is behaving, not including you, treating you as if you were just the "daily help". Now is the time to get a new decent life for yourself. You are just as worthy as anyone else. Remember that. You said at the outset that you "would appreciate advice". Well, here you have it. And you just remarked: "I’m embarrassed to even tell my family it just doesn’t seem right. Just feel that’s exactly right I just feel I won’t be good enough for anyone else" Why would you be embarrassed OP? It is HIS behaviour that is embarrassing and unacceptable. Again, as you keep repeating this: why do you think no one else would want you? Just saying you have a low opinion of yourself is not sufficient. There must be reasons why you feel this way, and I am sure he has made sure he ground you down to the point where this is all you can feel. Turn to your family, get support where you can and forge a decent life for yourself.

You are NOT a servant OP! Do not tolerate this behaviour any longer. I can promise you it will simply get worse. You are seeing the real him, and the view isn't nice! However, that's beside the point. What are you going to do. I ask again, why do you think no one else would want you? Is this what he has told you? You remark: "they stay at my house I just feel like a spare part" I regret to say, OP, that to him you ARE just a "spare part".

Yes you do know what you want! You have been demeaned by this individual for eleven years. That's eleven valuable years of your life gone! You have good years ahead of you, don't waste them. What makes you think no one else might want you. What do you think is wrong with you? Or did he also tell you this, thereby making you feel even more worthless. He doesn't love you, has no respect for you, and never will. This individual is no prize, that I can tell you. How on earth did you get entangled with him?

In brief, I think so, OP. She is a young woman who no doubt mainly wants to be with her BF and her own age group. I don't think there is anything personal. She no doubt enjoyed the meetups with you. I know you once said you dislike being put aside. But life is like this. People come and go. I honestly don't think there is anything personal here. You remarked: "I have an eerie feeling." In what sense do you mean?

Well that sure isn't the "right" thing to say to anyone. And is quite beside the point anyhow. You are sharing a house, so what. You are engaged to be married! Do you actually want to marry this man and live like this for the rest of your life, like a second-class citizen. I can see that your self-esteem and self-worth are at zero, OP. He really has done a number on you. Of course you can go it alone. You wouldn't be the first or the last.

Were you aware of his proclivities before you married this man? Btw there is nothing wrong with masturbation in or out of marriage. Btw, what in your view is a "healthy" sex life? Then it is time to reach a decision, Annie.

He really is doing a number on you OP. You do know what gaslighting is? He can't make you feel anything if you don't let him. Why has he this hold over you? I am trying to get a picture of your situation.

I am amazed that you are tolerating this, OP. It isn't that he doesn't see things from your point of view. He just has no respect for you. You mention that you are engaged, and as I asked above, when will you be marrying? The whole situation seems downright strange to me. Does this sort of disrespect also exist in other areas of your life together (over past eleven years). He just "tells" you, just like that. People tell their household staff (if they have any) what to do. You are his fiancée! Time you made yourself clear to him.

What Wiseman said.

OP. The very fact that you are writing to us on this forum means that you do have misgivings. The fact that you feel like that, OP, is not a good sign. You mention that you are engaged. Will you be getting married soon? I have to agree with Smackie. You need to be quite open with him and tell him you are uncomfortable with the situation. Or, let's switch the situation. Imagine that you have a married friend, a man, in another country and you go visit him, and he comes to stay with you and you and your partner, and you give him an inordinate amount of your time. What would your partner's response be, do you think?

You need to take a stance OP.

There is nothing "right" about telling someone that! Of course you will survive. Just like everyone else does.

Leaving aside the legal intricacies of the present situation, and the outcome, perhaps it is now important to look again at these issues: "Its a disaster of a life basically for the last 18 years. Why not add one more disaster to it? I'm being sarcastic, but it wouldn't surprise me if this blew up in my face. I can't win, basically. Either my personal life or my professional life (or both) have sucked since around 2003, so what the hell? How can I even be optimistic anymore? Its hard to be, but I try. I've tried to have faith in this relationship, but it has faded with distance and time (hence me starting this thread) and just my own history of bad decisions (only in hindsight that is), so if it all blows up I wouldn't be shocked. Basically I have zero confidence in my decisions despite giving them careful consideration. Something always goes wrong. " Once the present fiasco has been sorted out, OP, maybe it would be good to analyze why exactly your life is as you describe it. To have confidence in a decision, any decision, requires careful analysis, and consultation with others. Outsiders are able to give a more objective opinion, and advice, on a particular situation. They can clearly see what we are often blind to, involuntarily or voluntarily. Anyhow, once this is over, what is the next step, OP? Maybe take time to yourself, go somewhere else for a while, even write out the experience.

Best advice OP. You can do it.

I agree. And you must follow the instructions your psychiatrist and/or doctor give you.

"An annulment of marriage is a legal decree that a marriage is null and void. Annulments are granted when a court makes a finding a marriage is invalid. While a divorce ends a legally valid marriage, an annulment treats the marriage as if it never existed"

I must certainly did not "kick you" Quark. Yes, there are creeps in this world, and it is always a mystery to me why they home in on one kind of person and not others. We DO need to be street smart in this world, that's for sure. And, yes, I agree with you Cat. "It is, after all, one of life's joys to be helpful and engaged with our fellow man." But one needs to be able to distinguish between the genuine article and the creep trying it on.

No. Rivoli, Genuine friends are to be found, and by that I mean sound, stable and independent people, once YOU give off the right vibes, once you are in the right place yourself. There should be no rotten or toxic ones in that basket in the first instance.

You really need to smarten up Quark. Next time point any such person in the direction of "customer services" in the store (they are there to give advice), and do NOT wait patiently. There are deranged people everywhere.

Quite so. Rivoli. You just have to get smart at seeing these types coming, a mile away.

Decibel. You stated not long back that you have been depressed for years. And as someone replied to you then, "dating is not an anti-depressant". Yes, Covid has made everything difficult including socializing IRL. But things are improving and there is no reason why you should not make friends in this foreign country where you are all "alone". Why ever not? However, if you are depressed and down, you are in no position to date. Have you seen anyone (a professional) to seek help for the depression? It would be best to start with that. Andrina advise this: "You won't be ready to date until you get you get treatment that works for your depression. If you join one or more college clubs where you have a true interest in the activity or subject, you will make friends. " It makes no difference whether things are online or offline. You need to be in a good healthy place in your mind to attract healthy relationships. People are surprisingly intuitive and back off from any shadow of negativity.

That sums it up Tiny. Exactly. And yes, OP, I recall this: " I haven't been treated well since living where I do and the pool is small here. I couldn't meet quality here. At 52 and still wanting a family, I'm out of options, basically. I do regret not pursuing someone in Latin America or Mexico, as I relate to Latin culture so much better. If I start over again (I can't imagine after the frustrating year and a half of waiting), I will look for a Latin woman. Dating where I live isn't an option. I'm trying to move back to Atlanta, but thats not working. I fear I will be alone indefinitely." I just don't know what to say. But you said it yourself : Made an enormous life altering mistake

Being alone is certainly better than being in bad or unsuitable company. I don't know in what church you married, but getting an annulment is complicated and I know for a fact that Catholic church annulments are costly, very. Can I honestly say, OP, that I just don't understand you or why you married this person. Surely there are women where you are. Why go through this purgatory?