LaHermes

I do agree Lambert. I wasn't actually referring to "drama" though. I understand what you are saying Cherlyn. And yes, I do have one or two women friends, though due to distance and circumstances we don't see much of each other.

Absolutely agree, W. Cher: I fully agree with you. I find the same. Having been brought up with brothers and all male cousins, and their male pals, I truly enjoy the company of men. Generally, I have worked with men, and have (way back) worked for them. Definitely feel more relaxed in their company.

I agree with DF.

Anon. It is one thing to be a good friend. It is entirely something else to be a pushover. Good friends is a two-way street. Wrong! Not your problem that she is "down on her luck" and equally not your task to listen to non-stop drivel about her "problems". There is nothing wrong with people in general. Just that for some reason you are drawing the unhealthy kind. Look: there's a book called "The Disease to Please" by Dr. Harriet Braiker. I think you might find it useful.

Indeed. And the OP has not returned.

Now, Carnatic, that is indeed a rather cryptic remark. And of course we only have you here in the form of writing which I see on my screen, and we only know you by what you tell us. No chance of an identikit? Just as an aside. Your screen name suggests a type of music. A shared love of music brings many people together.

Could I suggest, OP, that you now stop giving her space inside your head! Stop asking futile questions. Each day is valuable. Don't waste any more time.

Trying to find a man! "Any man" ??? Loneliness is not a good reason to go looking for "a man". In fact it is a disastrous reason. Why are you so desperate? You need to work on yourself. Learn to be alone. Build resilience. Then you may find that you attract healthy people, and not the kind of losers you have been finding so far.

Exactly Lambert. I see no room here for latitude. And the OP would be wasting her time talkingto this lazy freeloader. The question I have to ask is: why are you enduring this martyrdom, OP. Get rid of this dead weight and you will find someone who is capable of behaving like a responsible human being.

I ask the same thing. You are frighteningly naive, OP. And I also ask this question.

What possible benefit are you getting from this peculiar "friendship" OP?

I agree Cher. So, OP, what is this supposed to mean? Did your wife's best woman friend recommend him, or (as you may be trying to say) your wife has a male BEST friend.

Please re-read what you have written. Do you realise at all how insane that sounds OP?! And this. How on earth can you love a parasite. You want to marry a freeloader?! What is so "lovable" about him. Of course he shuts down. He has an easy life, and is a kept man. Also, look to yourself, OP, and ask why you are prepared to tolerate this situation.

It sure isn't the cycling! I am puzzled. You say you get along fine, still have sex, share all other aspects of life, financially stable. What is NOT to like about that portrait. I don't understand the "of course" in that remark. Is it only women who like an active life and cycling? And then: "I'm minimizing my interactions but some is unavoidable due to work and this can't be changed. I'm at least mature enough that attraction doesn't mean long term suitability." So this is just not a cycling lady, but someone in your place of work. So that is where you "met" her. Always wise to keep business and pleasure separate.

So, where is the problem? Nothing to stop you going cycling abroad for a month or as long as you wish. As I said above, there are plenty of cycling clubs with like-minded people who share your interests. But what I see is that you want the cycling holiday, but on your own with this woman friend? Yes? You say your communication with your wife has never been good. You might care to elaborate on that. But communication can always be improved upon. "Maybe I'm asking for too much?" Not sure what you mean by this question. It isn't asking too much to go on a cycling holiday, if that is what you mean.

Are there no male cyclists where you come from OP? I think what is going on is that you have met another woman (nothing to do with being a woman cyclist) and it turns out she has interests similar to your own. You would do well to have a conversation with your wife, and tell her what is on your mind, and warn her that you are even thinking of leaving her. That is the ethical thing to do. What exactly are you saying here. You have women friends you have known for 20 years. That's fine. But why would you want to have sex with them, or why would they want sex with you.

Exactly what I am wondering too! I fail to see the connection. If you want to go on a cycling trip overseas you could just as easily go with a male friend, or a cycling group.

Keep away from married men; OP. Take the good advice given here.

Your feelings are your own. And, no, do NOT contact her any further or tell her anything. You can and will deal with these feelings. They won't last forever.

Vomer. I utterly fail to see why you cannot go on an overseas bicycling trip with other people (I am sure there are many bicycling associations where like minded people join together to cycle abroad and elsewhere). You are mixing up cycling as something that most involve "another woman". Many couples have different hobbies. I know couples where the husband is into sailing and the wife not. But the husbands do go sailing on both home waters and further afield for maybe days or even a sailing holiday. Doesn't mean they have to stop being married! There are plenty out there with your mindset and desires who could join you on a cycling trip. A mixed group of men and women?

In Lambert's excellent summary you will find the answer Tiny. You see, the saying "hungry people make bad shoppers" is so true.

That's the best advice, OP. It is NOT your job to be a therapist, and she needs to be helped by a qualified mental health professional. Aside from that you are not in charge of anyone else's life, whether they are mentally ill or not. You have quite enough to do dealing with your own mental problems.

That's about it, Tiny. It's your call, OP. Do what you think best.

I totally and wholly agree with you on that point OP. Basic good manners are universal, and a sign of civilization. It doesn't take much effort to just grunt out the words "thank you". But then you know the saying about the sow's ear. Sure, as I said in my first post, you did go OTT with the "welcoming spree" lol. And she does need to stand on her own two feet. But that aside, and I have travelled extensively and lived abroad, when you are in another country and someone does you a kindness (I don't care if you are from Mars or Narnia!) you at the very least say thank you, that was kind of you. And you certainly follow the "when in Rome" advice. As I said earlier, OP, you are well rid of them.

Well, guess what. Newsflash. Not just in Russia, but in any other country you care to name. Family violence is, sadly, quite endemic everywhere. All too often the perpetrator is never even reported, let alone fined!