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LaHermes

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Everything posted by LaHermes

  1. You need to take the advice here seriously, OP. And you need to examine, very seriously, with your therapist, how this state of affair arose in the first place. Get all the help you can.
  2. Not sure as to whether you attract them. Although predators of this type can somehow see the vulnerable coming a mile off. It is how they operate. Again, it is down to you learning how to spot these types at the outset, to learn good boundaries, to sharpen up the radar. An individual like this can destroy your soul.
  3. This is indeed so serious OP. Please address with your therapist as soon as possible. Get help It is not your job to help ANYONE to feel secure or anything else either. Healthy relationships are not like this. But toxic and dysfunctional relationships are! Loneliness is a very bad advisor. I would advise that you join in some healthy pursuits, maybe volunteer, find uplifting and constructive things to do with your leisure time. You say you like music. If you don't already play an instrument this might be a good time to start. Take music lessons.
  4. First of all, OP, there is nothing wrong with dating, when you choose the right person. After a 20 years marriage you need considerable time by yourself, alone, before embarking on any kind of relationship. You need to talk precisely about this facet of yourself with the therapist. You need to improve your radar so that you can read people better. And get help to acquire healthy boundaries.
  5. I fully agree Clio. And cannot anything to what MissC has said.
  6. OP, I said this to you end last month: "You know this is not going to work OP. Don't waste any further time. You got good advice on your other couple of threads on this same problematic issue." You would do well to stop wasting your valuable time on this player. Stop trying to second guess his crazy games. Just break it off and get on with your life.
  7. You said this only a couple of weeks ago: "On the 4th of July he tells me that he wants a divorce via text and now he wants to work it out . Ugh he’s driving me nuts " And I echo what Choco asks: Of course you can make it on your own. Others have and so can you. The thing is, do you actually WANT to leave? What Wiseman said.
  8. Exactly Cat. (the OP hasn't been back!). My reading of all this, and I could be wrong, is that the husband is aware of the situation. And/or there are other facets to this situation.
  9. Did/does your husband not find anything odd about this arrangement over twelve years? You say you don't wish for "anything more". But, what about your husband? Does he not wish for "anything more" either? You say you "don't wish for anything more". Well,evidently you do wish for it, seeing as how you are having an affair for 12 years. Your husband is, I wager, well aware of your 12-year affair. It all strikes me as rather odd.
  10. Totally beside the point OP. I am beginning to doubt your sanity. You are acting like a kidnap victim. You need serious help, there in real life. You are in fact a danger to yourself. I am asking again: "Why do you keep repeating this OP. You know full well that you might as well break your head open against a stone wall. Are you reading ANY of the posts which people are taking their time to write to you here?! He doesn't want you! He doesn't CARE! What is so hard to understand about that. Are you so brainwashed that you cannot see reason? I want to know when are you going to address your own very serious issues, starting with how low is your self-esteem that you "love" this garbage?" "
  11. Why do you keep repeating this OP. You know full well that you might as well break your head open against a stone wall. Are you reading ANY of the posts which people are taking their time to write to you here?! He doesn't want you! He doesn't CARE! What is so hard to understand about that. Are you so brainwashed that you cannot see reason? I want to know when are you going to address your own very serious issues, starting with how low is your self-esteem that you "love" this garbage?
  12. You continue to entirely miss the point OP. Will you please stop, for a few moments, talking about other women and vacations. He has no respect for anyone, he doesn't even respect himself. You had NOTHING with him, nothing. Can you get that into your head. There is nothing to be had with this individual. Why can't you see that. You are seeing a mirage. Smoke and mirrors. Individuals like him are experts at producing the type of confusion you are enduring now. Please, please, look to yourself. You must find out why you are in this disastrous psychological state, where you have no self-respect, no sense of self-worth, nothing. I am asking again. "Don't you want a better life, a healthy relationship, self-respect, and not this twilight existence with this utterly disastrous individual. You MUST find out why you are prepared to settle for this awful existence. Why?"
  13. No one here can tell you. Please seek professional advice and see a counsellor to discuss these matters.
  14. Is there any chance I could get you to stop talking about HIM, OP! These questions are futile. Stop with these comparisons. Far far more important is what are you going to do. I want to know. You do see that this is no life for anyone. Don't you want a better life, a healthy relationship, self-respect, and not this twilight existence with this utterly disastrous individual. You MUST find out why you are prepared to settle for this awful existence. Why? Choc says: "He's a player." He is far, far worse than a mere player.
  15. You MUST find out why you are prepared to settle for so little, OP. It is vital. I don't know your age but I tell you life is very short and it is very wrong to waste your valuable days with this trashy individual. Never ever will you get stability, or love, or anything else from him. Remember, you can't get anything out of an empty bag. He has nothing to give you, he is empty himself. You will, one day, get stability from a decent, kind, sane and stable man. But once you extricate yourself (with help) from this current prison and total enmeshment, you will need to take at least a year to yourself, to work on yourself so that you seek healthy relationships, and that you attract healthy people.
  16. Yes. Choco. I was about to ask OP the same. There has to be a reason why a person would have so little self-worth as to enjoy being ill-treated.
  17. Heaven help you OP. This individual really has done a number on you. It is quite chilling to read what you write. Sadly, OP, this is exactly where you are at the moment. Trapped and empty. This individual has effectively "kidnapped" you, and you are just like someone tied up in a dark room, where a few crumbs of food are thrown at her now and then. So, (and you refer to your ex-husband) you literally jumped from the frying pan into the fire. You need to break free of this awful existence OP. And you will need professional help to do it. There are no Van Helsings here to drag you away from this particular vampire, OP. You are badly trapped and you need help there in real life to retrieve your life, somehow.
  18. OP. NONE of this is relevant. None of it. Could you please address what I am asking in my post above.
  19. OP, that is a very worrying reply! Do you realise what you are saying. I want this conversation to move to YOU. What this rubbishy individual does or doesn't do is quite beside the point. Why do YOU think you don't deserve anything better than this lying useless individual? You do realise (I assume) that there are decent men out there, single men, who would treat you with respect. Would you not like to live a stable life with someone who respects you? Is your self-worth and opinion of yourself so terribly low that this is the best you can do. Do you intend to continue in this shadowy world, where there is no future? You know what he is, you know he has no love or respect for you. But worst of all where is your love and respect for YOURSELF.
  20. again I ask, OP. Why are you so fixated on this trashy individual? Why are you involved with him at all?!
  21. I worry when I read things like this, OP. A much too fast startup, IMO.
  22. OP. What is so wonderful about this individual? Are there no other respectable, decent and sane men where you live?
  23. OP. I wouldn't give mommy dearest any more space inside your head. She isn't worth it. And maybe her albeit temporary appearance in your life was, as I said earlier, a blessing in disguise. It was the detonator to get you out of a toxic situation. Look at it like that. And you have nothing to envy there either. Nightmares are best forgotten but they can leave a lingering bad taste. To some extent I do understand OP. Blatant rudeness can rock one back on one's heels. Sure you went OTT with the hospitality. But a gracious person would maybe smile wryly to herself and simply say "thank you for going to so much trouble". How much easier is it to say those few words? Rather than snapping and barking. Again, remember this, OP. You will never get pears off an elm tree.
  24. Well, OP, he isn't even asking you to buy dinner even every second time, but just sometimes. It would be a nice gesture on your part anyhow. I am having some difficulty seeing the connection between buying dinner out sometimes and watching racing on TV. I assume he does not watch racing twelve hours a day. It is really, as other posters have remarked, a question of discussing your roles and reaching an agreement. Most couples I know both spouses are working full time, and share expenses.
  25. I agree. There are types like Mommy dearest everywhere. We have them here too. Rude, abrasive and ultimately saddled with their own mighty inferiority complex, which leads to such unacceptable behaviour. Directness I value. Rudeness no. Anyhow, as I said before, JS, you actually have had a lucky escape here. Don't give them any more head space. Just heave a sigh of relief. And next time round, JS, take a long, hard, investigative look at the family (and its dynamics) behind the person you may be considering for a relationship. Dysfunctional individuals do not have boundaries, so do not naively think you would be able to keep them at arm's length. Anyhow, why let yourself in for such hardship!
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