LaHermes

It that's the case OP, then the "easily frightened" types are not the kind of man you would want in your life! Just to add: " Physical/sexual attraction to someone is the most basic of threshold musts in dating. That said, there is a difference between only wanting to date a guy who looks like a trophy and dating a guy you feel attracted to but who may seem average to others." It is amazing how perceived good looks (very subjective) are deemed to be synonymous with attractiveness. Attractive people are in an entirely different category, and attractiveness (the "it" factor) is difficult to describe. Very elusive. Speaking of trophies, there are (again perceivedly) handsome/good-looking people who have the personality of a lump of rock, and are in no way "attractive".

That is what lies at the heart of the matter, OP. Why? Yes, you do! It is amazingly simple. I can assure you he will not be "hurting" . He wouldn't know the meaning of that word. The entitled never do. He has drained you, so don't let him finish the job. You must ask yourself what drew you to this individual who is, as you say, a polar opposite of yourself. You will need support at this time.

I see. You would have a lot going on I am sure as I take it you have several children. Again, as I may have said before, you do need time on your own, so that you can gain resilience (with the help of the therapist). I would urge you yet again to discuss your issues as regards yourself, and the why and how you are drawn to these unpleasant individuals. You can and will gain control over your life and get in charge of yourself. It would be so advisable to get yourself involved in constructive leisure pursuits, meet healthy-minded people, all of which will address your loneliness. Abusers seem to have a sixth sense (and not in a good way) when it comes to the lonely and the vulnerable. All the more reason to strengthen yourself psychologically, and, well, distance yourself physically from environments where predators might be hanging around. Take care.

Is there a particular problem OP? Anyhow, all the more reason to get this individual out of sight and as far away as possible. You gave this cry for help in your first post, so here we are doing the best we can to help.

OP, everyone here has your interests at heart, and to tell the truth, I can say we are quite shocked (I know I am) at how extreme your situation is and how it was allowed to develop. . I think posters are being straightforward with you, not rude. I do understand that you are probably on edge on seeing now so clearly the enormity of the situation. So, you made a serious error of judgment where this unsavoury individual is concerned. I echo what Carnatic says, and would honestly urge you to return to your previous surroundings. Could I also urge you (and I know I said it before) to address your issues with a good therapist, so that you can find out what drew you to this type of individual and to help you develop a better radar for the future. It can be done and you will do it I am sure.

So, OP, what's it going to be? What steps are you taking, as advised by all the posters here. Are you listening at all to the warnings?!

You need to take the advice here seriously, OP. And you need to examine, very seriously, with your therapist, how this state of affair arose in the first place. Get all the help you can.

Not sure as to whether you attract them. Although predators of this type can somehow see the vulnerable coming a mile off. It is how they operate. Again, it is down to you learning how to spot these types at the outset, to learn good boundaries, to sharpen up the radar. An individual like this can destroy your soul.

This is indeed so serious OP. Please address with your therapist as soon as possible. Get help It is not your job to help ANYONE to feel secure or anything else either. Healthy relationships are not like this. But toxic and dysfunctional relationships are! Loneliness is a very bad advisor. I would advise that you join in some healthy pursuits, maybe volunteer, find uplifting and constructive things to do with your leisure time. You say you like music. If you don't already play an instrument this might be a good time to start. Take music lessons.

First of all, OP, there is nothing wrong with dating, when you choose the right person. After a 20 years marriage you need considerable time by yourself, alone, before embarking on any kind of relationship. You need to talk precisely about this facet of yourself with the therapist. You need to improve your radar so that you can read people better. And get help to acquire healthy boundaries.

I fully agree Clio. And cannot anything to what MissC has said.

OP, I said this to you end last month: "You know this is not going to work OP. Don't waste any further time. You got good advice on your other couple of threads on this same problematic issue." You would do well to stop wasting your valuable time on this player. Stop trying to second guess his crazy games. Just break it off and get on with your life.

You said this only a couple of weeks ago: "On the 4th of July he tells me that he wants a divorce via text and now he wants to work it out . Ugh he’s driving me nuts " And I echo what Choco asks: Of course you can make it on your own. Others have and so can you. The thing is, do you actually WANT to leave? What Wiseman said.

Exactly Cat. (the OP hasn't been back!). My reading of all this, and I could be wrong, is that the husband is aware of the situation. And/or there are other facets to this situation.

Did/does your husband not find anything odd about this arrangement over twelve years? You say you don't wish for "anything more". But, what about your husband? Does he not wish for "anything more" either? You say you "don't wish for anything more". Well,evidently you do wish for it, seeing as how you are having an affair for 12 years. Your husband is, I wager, well aware of your 12-year affair. It all strikes me as rather odd.

Totally beside the point OP. I am beginning to doubt your sanity. You are acting like a kidnap victim. You need serious help, there in real life. You are in fact a danger to yourself. I am asking again: "Why do you keep repeating this OP. You know full well that you might as well break your head open against a stone wall. Are you reading ANY of the posts which people are taking their time to write to you here?! He doesn't want you! He doesn't CARE! What is so hard to understand about that. Are you so brainwashed that you cannot see reason? I want to know when are you going to address your own very serious issues, starting with how low is your self-esteem that you "love" this garbage?" "

Why do you keep repeating this OP. You know full well that you might as well break your head open against a stone wall. Are you reading ANY of the posts which people are taking their time to write to you here?! He doesn't want you! He doesn't CARE! What is so hard to understand about that. Are you so brainwashed that you cannot see reason? I want to know when are you going to address your own very serious issues, starting with how low is your self-esteem that you "love" this garbage?

You continue to entirely miss the point OP. Will you please stop, for a few moments, talking about other women and vacations. He has no respect for anyone, he doesn't even respect himself. You had NOTHING with him, nothing. Can you get that into your head. There is nothing to be had with this individual. Why can't you see that. You are seeing a mirage. Smoke and mirrors. Individuals like him are experts at producing the type of confusion you are enduring now. Please, please, look to yourself. You must find out why you are in this disastrous psychological state, where you have no self-respect, no sense of self-worth, nothing. I am asking again. "Don't you want a better life, a healthy relationship, self-respect, and not this twilight existence with this utterly disastrous individual. You MUST find out why you are prepared to settle for this awful existence. Why?"

No one here can tell you. Please seek professional advice and see a counsellor to discuss these matters.

Is there any chance I could get you to stop talking about HIM, OP! These questions are futile. Stop with these comparisons. Far far more important is what are you going to do. I want to know. You do see that this is no life for anyone. Don't you want a better life, a healthy relationship, self-respect, and not this twilight existence with this utterly disastrous individual. You MUST find out why you are prepared to settle for this awful existence. Why? Choc says: "He's a player." He is far, far worse than a mere player.

You MUST find out why you are prepared to settle for so little, OP. It is vital. I don't know your age but I tell you life is very short and it is very wrong to waste your valuable days with this trashy individual. Never ever will you get stability, or love, or anything else from him. Remember, you can't get anything out of an empty bag. He has nothing to give you, he is empty himself. You will, one day, get stability from a decent, kind, sane and stable man. But once you extricate yourself (with help) from this current prison and total enmeshment, you will need to take at least a year to yourself, to work on yourself so that you seek healthy relationships, and that you attract healthy people.

Yes. Choco. I was about to ask OP the same. There has to be a reason why a person would have so little self-worth as to enjoy being ill-treated.

Heaven help you OP. This individual really has done a number on you. It is quite chilling to read what you write. Sadly, OP, this is exactly where you are at the moment. Trapped and empty. This individual has effectively "kidnapped" you, and you are just like someone tied up in a dark room, where a few crumbs of food are thrown at her now and then. So, (and you refer to your ex-husband) you literally jumped from the frying pan into the fire. You need to break free of this awful existence OP. And you will need professional help to do it. There are no Van Helsings here to drag you away from this particular vampire, OP. You are badly trapped and you need help there in real life to retrieve your life, somehow.

OP. NONE of this is relevant. None of it. Could you please address what I am asking in my post above.

OP, that is a very worrying reply! Do you realise what you are saying. I want this conversation to move to YOU. What this rubbishy individual does or doesn't do is quite beside the point. Why do YOU think you don't deserve anything better than this lying useless individual? You do realise (I assume) that there are decent men out there, single men, who would treat you with respect. Would you not like to live a stable life with someone who respects you? Is your self-worth and opinion of yourself so terribly low that this is the best you can do. Do you intend to continue in this shadowy world, where there is no future? You know what he is, you know he has no love or respect for you. But worst of all where is your love and respect for YOURSELF.