Blackwaterlily

I have been told I act like a child therefore they treat me like one. At this point I am not sure, maybe I do and I just don't see it. I want to go home because in some sort possible "fantasy" maybe I want to try to go back to normal life. It is not that I don't enjoy being here, more of the fact that I am "forced' to be here until I prove myself mentally better. I agree, she is only looking out for my best Interests but sometimes her ways are harmful, mentally and sometimes physically. My break up was in February, I understand how parents or guardians are, they take your side and tell you never to go back or tell you a bad experience they've had when they choose to go back. He was not abusive, especially not physically. We started to have communication issues and eventually found him with porn and certain pics on his phone and websites such as cam girls. Plus a few other details that I just want to leave behind. The issue at hand is since I am far away, he doesn't want to make any huge decisions concerning we get back together or not. And he is understandably wary of my family. They have become too involved in this and it is partially my fault, and as such I ended up here.

Thank you for your reply. Our relationship has struggled a lot ever since I can remember, my two sisters and I suffered through our parents divorce. Since I am the youngest and therefore the last one to leave the nest I still feel like I'm being controlled in what I do. As I've said I've grown way too dependent and I don't know any other life. There are things I want to do that I'm scared of all because of what she will think or my family will think. It's exhausting to even think about let alone type. I will try to follow your advice kind stranger, I just hope I am strong enough.

Yes you are right in some of the things you've said. Due to the pandemic most places are not open to the public, and there is also the issue of which one can take my insurance. I speak with a psychotherapist on the phone once a week or every two weeks and I have also gotten an evaluation by a psychiatrist and have been put on medication. To answer your first question I have been living with my mother up until recently. I know she doesn't have to support me or pay, and I am grateful that she does sometimes. I had to resign from my job, but i am registered for classes that start tomorrow. A lot has happened since the break up and I recognize you as one of the people that have responded. As such a lot has happened between me and my ex. In terms of being "abusive" I have done work since then. I know myself and that is not who I am. We don't get into physical fights at all, and have not until I slapped him. But I recognize it does magically make things better.

Wherever I go it seems to do me harm, I want to go back just to feel some sort of semblance of my normal life. But I do not plan to stay there forever. I have family here, and family back home. My mother is planning to move out anyway, and I will eventually have to make big decisions. I remember having the option to move with her, but now I do not I will. I loved my old job, I was so sad to have to resign due to issues. They have expressed they enjoyed me as their employee too. The only reason why she doesn't want me to is because I'm "comfortable" and should try new things which is not completely wrong. She says there is no guarantee that I will get the job back, and again she is right. Especially if they have enough hires. But I still want to try. I have been told I won't survive by myself, that I'm lazy, and all of these things that I have grown to believe. It scares me when i think about being on my own but it has to happen at some point. My mother is doing what she thinks is right. Which I don't blame her for, but she again fails to see the harm. She wants me to grow up, but how can I? Thank you for your reply

She wants me to either get a job here where I'm temporarily staying at or school. I am already registered to take online classes at my current college however. I see what you are saying, and in some cases it is true but for me, we've talked a lot about these issues and as time went by it caused more harm than good. At this point I am not sure when the right time would be.

I've been going through a really tough time for a while... I'm about 6 hours away from home staying with my sister and I've been here for months. This is a result of my relationship with my ex if you've read my past posts. A lot has happened since that situation, but for times sake I'll try to keep this on the topic I'm talking about. But maybe I will make another post concerning those things. Ever since that occurrence I've been staying with my sister and her family. I am 22 just for reference. Since I've been up here I started going from feeling okay to just wanting to go home. But I'm not allowed to. My mother wants me to be more independent yet she won't allow me to make the decisions I want to. She doesn't like the idea of me applying for my old job. She wants me to prove to her that I am better and then we can talk about me returning home. I understand that I needed time away but now it's starting to make me feel controlled. She disconnected my phone for a while to try to stop me from talking to my ex but to tell you the truth it didn't do anything except create and inconvenience for me when ever I have to talk to my therapist (we have phone call sessions). I understand that my family wants to protect me, I'm also scared of making more mistakes. I can only hope that they'll still continue to be there for me if anything happens. But I don't like being told I won't survive by myself, that I'm lazy, that I act like a kid, etc. At this point I'm thinking that I'm the problem, like there's something wrong with me. And I feel like I was only born to experience bad occurrences just to amuse whatever powerful entity is in the universe. This whole thing is starting make me believe that I won't do good living by myself and I'm way to dependent on my mom or family. I don't know what to do, and my paragraphs might seem a bit incoherent because I'm just word vomiting at this point. I just don't know how to prove myself to my mother. What else should I do to make em see. My mental started to decline because of this and it's ironic because the reason why I'm up here was supposed to be so I could calm down. But it's been getting stretched out longer than I wanted but my mouth is sewn shut metaphorically speaking.