acadame

I agree with you, Sparrow. Lowering your standards is an easy way out. Just change your study habits & keep up your motivation, and I'm sure you'll go far. You seem to have the drive to do it and the intelligence, we just sometimes need to re-evaluate our study patterns, and I think this is the case here. But I think it's still beneficial to talk to an academic counsellor in any case, they might be able to help. Just don't get too down on yourself. 1st yr was difficult for me as well, but it supposedly gets better. Just keep your head up, I have faith that you'll do well. =) take care, acadame

holy crap, she's already thinking about settling down & security at 19?! (Or did I misread your post..) I'm not planning to do that until around 26 at least..after I'm done law school..but anyways, if that's what she wants then..maybe she does think of you more in that way. When I went out to a bar with my boyfriend (like once, we're not really big on the club/bar scene) one of his old schoolmates asked if we were brother/sister. He has a bit of a feminine look about him though..to be honest, I wasn't really sexually attracted to him so that could've been it. Ask her about it. My bf asked me outright if I found him attractive (and I lied and said yes) and he asked if I wanted him to lose weight or something, if that would help. But it's really hard to say 'yes, that would be nice' for a girl, because that makes you look shallow, and you don't really want that. I don't know..there's only so much you can do with that, you know? And what's inside is more important so..I think we were just incompatible in other ways as well. Anyway, just ask her what's wrong, tell her you're unhappy with the way things are going..my bf did that anyways, and I tried to help him out.

Just thinking about my last post..these qualifications are pretty idiosyncratic..like personalized. It varies according to age and personality..a 37 yr old doctor will have different conversations and want different things in a potential mate than your average 14 yr old guy. I'd imagine a more typical list for a 16 yr old girl (like my sister is) 1. Looks (my sister is really pretty and won't date a guy until he's 'really hot' according to her. I don't care as much, but we're different..) 2. Good personality - you guys get along well. My sister likes the shallow conversations about the latest OC episode or whatever else is on nowadays..but also someone who respects her for who she is..like all girls really. 3. Humor - someone who can just be cool, confident & get a laugh every so often I imagine.. 4. Confidence - this is really important to me too, and to most girls.. that's it basically. It really depends on the girl. If the girl you like is shy she will probably like shy guys as well..not not necessarily. My best friend is shy but she likes really outgoing guys, although they don't go for her much..it takes a compromise.

Intellect primarily, an inquisitive/creative personality, outgoing & friendly, attractive (taller than me is awesome, I'm 5'9". I also used to model..) Someone with a good sense of humor Wit Someone a little crazy/quirky/original. There are some people who are just a bit too ordinary, I can almost predict what they're going to say next. Someone a little off-the-beat is good.. Guys who are sorta deep - i.e. reflective, write poetry is cool..(this isn't a requirement but the guy I currently like is a poet so..maybe he's the ideal They should have similar interests. Guys who are goal-oriented and career-driven also turn me on, because I'm very much like that. (I'm a pre-law student.) Guys who are contradictory. I don't mind if a guy plays hard-to-get or is a bit standoffish/shy at first..it makes it more of a challenge & shows he's not so ordinary, a bit more interesting.. When I talk with people I usually get bored with surface level conversations - i.e. about tv shows (I don't watch TV except for news, so..I really haev no idea about that besides reruns of Simpsons & Family Guy I guess) and sports (I don't watch them.) I like analytical conversations about philosophy or politics (that's my field of study), or just anything somewhat intellectual.. You can imagine I haven't had many boyfriends though..like one. So I'm sorta cutting back some of those expectations. A guy who is somewhat intelligent (probably won't be as goal-driven or as quirky as me that's ok..), and physically attractive/good looking and friendly/nice is all I really care about now...you sorta have to lower your expectations after a while..

Hope you don't mind me asking Lonely, but did your ex suggest any reasons why she didn't enjoy sex? Maybe that will help me (and the OP) out..I'm sorta curious why I hardly ever felt in the mood (there were some times & it was great, but those were rare.) I think ultimately it was probably because I wasn't very attracted to him..and I just felt awkward about the way he went about it. I was his first girlfriend at 23 (I was 19) so maybe both of our inexperience combined to make it sorta less than satisfying..

if you're really concerned get tested by a doctor. He/she should let you know the results a day or two later and you should be alright. I think you're fine though, although I'm not 100% positive..the test will let you know for sure.

Hey, To be honest, I felt almost the same way towards my boyfriend although I'm not really sure why. It could have been a combination of reasons for me: 1. primarily, I wasn't very attracted to him physically (although emotionally, etc. I was, so shoudln't this override it? I don't know..) 2. I was shy about doing some things because he was my first boyfriend 3. I often didn't feel 'there' mentally. Like I just didn't feel in the mood a lot. I don't know why. 4. I'm pretty sure I have a chemical imbalance of some sort because I have trichotillomania, which is an obsessive-compulsive disorder. The cause of this is still unknown, although a chemical imbalance is the most probable reason. However, I've talked with many other people with this & none of them said it has affected their sex drive. So it's probably not this, although it may affect it. 5. I'm not a very sexual person personality-wise. I'm intelligent (not really reserved though) but not really talkative, boisterous, sexy, etc. I don't masterbate very often either..don't know if that's normal or not, my bf suggested it was abnormal. But I just found that I didn't enjoy sexual foreplay either. We never had sex (I wasn't on the pill & he was leaving for another country soon so it wasn't worth the risk) but we've had oral sex, although I didn't enjoy giving it much. The way we did it wasn't very sexy though, I felt like it was almost mechanical..like 'oh I'm turned on now, so you haev to do it before it goes quick' sorta deal, and he would masturbate before sometimes or at the same time if he never felt hard enough..ugh, it wasn't very attractive. Anyways, hope that helps you out..it could be a variety of reasons.. But for me I just hope it was the physical attraction. If the next guy comes along and I still have virtually no sex drive then I'll check it out with a doctor probably..I guess I should start looking for guys I'm more physically attracted to..and yet intellectually engaging, because intellect is what I look for most in a guy. It's hard to find that combination..besides in some grad students who are usually off-limits..

Hi Mahlina, Trich isn't a habit, and it's not due to stress. (Well it can be a trigger for some people but not necessarily.) I pull even when I'm not stressed out; people do it when they're bored/sleepy, etc. It's just an intense feeling that you can't control, regardless of what you're doing. Also, children as young as 4/5 have this disorder when they're not stressed out. It's a lot more complicated than it sounds..I think it's ultimately due to a chemical imbalance, but I think it can be solved with a lot of effort. I've been pulling since I was 12 and haevn't been able to stop yet..some people for their whole life..it's really quite frustrating.

crap..my hair is really short as well, I wonder if people think I have it as well? It is very embarrassing for me as well..but I don't think enough ppl. know about the disorder to really suspect anything.

Also, most people I know who have it, most just try to deal with it themselves from advice off of books or websites (check link removed for some resources if you want to read up on it there's a few books out there..) But there are some doctors that specialize in it as well, and some medications out there although they are sketchy and I don't believe there's enough evidence for me to trust them. There are side effects as well.. Behavioural therapy is a popular option. I personally just try to deal with it. I was able to stop for about 2 months a few years ago, but haevn't been giving enough attention to it lately to really try. Some ways I deal with it are wearing a shower cap/baseball cap so I don't pull, always having something in my hands (like a shoe string or silly putty), and keepign myself in public places when I'm really sterssed like a public library because I don't pull in front of other people. hope that helped, acadame

Also, most people I know who have it, most just try to deal with it themselves from advice off of books or websites (check link removed for some resources if you want to read up on it there's a few books out there..) But there are some doctors that specialize in it as well, and some medications out there although they are sketchy and I don't believe there's enough evidence for me to trust them. There are side effects as well.. Behavioural therapy is a popular option. I personally just try to deal with it. I was able to stop for about 2 months a few years ago, but haevn't been giving enough attention to it lately to really try. Some ways I deal with it are wearing a shower cap/baseball cap so I don't pull, always having something in my hands (like a shoe string or silly putty), and keepign myself in public places when I'm really sterssed like a public library because I don't pull in front of other people. hope that helped, acadame

Hi, I have this disorder as well, and am pretty sure it's rooted in biological causes. I have conducted a lot of research on it (even contacted a professor (Dr. Christenson) who is currently on the forefront of research on the subject right now) and although there's no definitely cause confirmed yet, I believe that it is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain (probably related to serotonin levels, which is often correlated with Obsessive Compulsive Disorders, or OCDs.) In any case, I don't have any bald spots, although my hair is *very* thin and it is getting quite bad.. check out this support group website, I am in it as well -- link removed it's Brenda C's Trich page, if that doesn't work. There's lots of resources on the 'net if you google it. I couldn't believe this existed, when I found out about it! I thought I was a freak by nature for the longest time, but then when I found out that there's actually a name for this disorder, it really helped..people who know I have it always just say 'why don't you just stop?" it's hard to understand I know..unless you have it. It is possible to stop although I haevn't been able to yet.. The only people I've told about it are my mom & sister. A couple of other people know I pull although they don't know the reasons behind it (just assume that it's due to stress, which makes it worse but isn't the ultimate reason.) If you or anyone else who has trich wants to contact me, feel free to pm..I don't want to post my e-mail address on here. Thanks for posting this. It helps to know there's others out there with the same thing.

I think you should break up with him now or soon. The longer you drain it out, the harder it will be for both of you. Plus, if you're ready to start dating already, then don't hold yourself down. And don't feel guilty about doing it..if you don't have feelings for him anymore, you're not obligated in any way to stay together.

Just keep telling yourself how much you love your boyfriend everytime you think of that other guy..and how unrealistic the crush is. Eventually it should go away -- especially when you see your boyfriend again. It's probably a lot harder since you're both in different countries.. Maybe also writing a list of all the things you hate about your crush will help? Or if you can't think of any, then write a list about all the things you love about your boyfriend. Corny, but it may help you to realize how much better your bf is for you.. Also (especially important if you're doing long-distance) you should often communicate with your boyfriend. Maybe these old thoughts are occurring because you haven't been talking with your boyfriend enough & are startign to forget how great he is. Just a thought.. HTH, academe

I agree with the last poster; I think she just wants to play the field while her bf is gone, but the fact that she told you about him shows that she still cares about the relationship. If you don't want to play games, I'd forget about her & pursue someone who's single.

Those traits mentioned by Day_Walker basically characterizes me..and it's true, many guys are intimidated by me. I think this is true of a lot of women in law school actually..that's where I'm hoping to meet my future spouse because undergrad isn't really cutting it.

When you're young, most guys like girls who are outgoing, partying, etc. but as you get older & if you go to college especially, you'll meet guys who are different - more intellectual, serious, even a bit shy themselves, and they'll appreciate you for the person you are. Don't change who you are to meet guys..I didn't start dating until my first yr in university because I couldn't find any guys in high school I was attracted to/compatible with. I know it's hard to think of, but eventually you will meet guys who appreciate the type of girl you are. AND once you find a guy you genuinely like, you'll open up and be more outgoing, trust me. That's how it is with your best friends too right? You're not shy with them I expect because you trust them & get along well. My boyfriend & I have many of the same interests & academic pursuits..so we often get in intellectual conversations and I find it much more interesting than the surface small talk that usually pervades everyday conversation (especially among high schoolers.) I also like intellectual guys & they're hardest to find..you can date guys now but if you're not outgoign with them, don't think there's something wrong with you -- it's likely just that they haven't matured yet, and that you haven't met the right person.

Just re-read msg..the only way it can really put a stress on the relationship is if she feels she'll cheat on her boyfriend by going out with this guy. Also, I felt sorta the same way, I'm in a LDR but had feelings for other guys & was tempted to flirt with them, etc. and was ultimately questioning the strength of our relationship. This is the hard part about doing long-distance I suppose.. [edit] I just sent you a pm

Hi Sparrow (et al), Thanks for the advice. I agree, in this case I will have to back off…after considering it it's pretty obvious that he doesn't want to get involved, and that's only fair. You can't force someone to like you, and he most likely has a girlfriend anyways. =( oh well.. Thanks again, acadame

Thanks Oldguy & sparrow. Just to clarify Oldguy, I am not in his class but he said I could still keep in touch for essay help..so he wouldn't get in trouble. But in any case, I have to look at this realistically..one, he's a graduate student who is very good-looking, smart and could easily find a girlfriend 2) he is probably being distant with me not only because I'm an undergrad bnut because he most likely has a girlfriend and if he is suspicious that I like him, he wants to maintain a distance not only for professional reasons, but also for personal 3) He is a nice guy and is most likely offering help because he likes to help students, especially those who are serious about the subject. So that makes sense then..I sorta feel silly for posting this msg. then. I think I was just looking through rose-coloured glasses and seeing things that probably weren't there. That's easiest to believe anyway.

Hey, Well, technically he wasn't really responsible for giving help with essays before, that was supposed to be the prof's domain. He was just responsible for marking essays & giving a few lectures in class. Right now since I don't have any classes with him anymore (i.e. he's not my TA anymore) so he doesn't have to help me..that's why I think he's just being nice. He's a TA for another class right now that I'm not in, so he's only really responsible for helping those students that he's teaching. And I do treat him with respect, esp. since I'm wary about whether there's anything there or if I was just imagining things. I just sorta feel like a 14 yr old because I can't get over him, when perhaps I should. I don't know about my prof. giving him a warning, but TAs aren't allowed to date students so he shouldn't technically need a warning, it's assumed they know. And he's not gay if that's what you're suggesting, lol. I've read some of his poetry so I know that for sure..He is just very good looking. I wouldn't be surprised if he's seen students gushing over him before either, as I've seen some of them do during the washroom break to the point of incomprehension.. So who knows, maybe he is extra cautious to the point of ignoring students in class..? Thanks again, acadame

Hey, thanks for the reply..well the class is already completed so that's not a problem. But I still get the impression that he's not interested & I am a bit too shy to say anything directly, considering the fact that he's ignored me and acted distantly, and the fact that he's a graduate student who most likely has a girlfriend (I don't see why not, he's practically perfect.) hmm..one thing that came to mind though is if I ask him to meet me sometime to discuss an essay. Then I can see how he acts while we're alone, so maybe he isn't nervous in front of a class or something.. It's just so hard to let go if there's a possibility.. But I also think that he's probably just trying to be nice by offering to help sometimes..I mean professors do that as well with more diligent students, right? So it's not really a sign of interest. grr.. oh well. I think you're right though, that the best way is just to start liking someone else..I'm not such a fan of porn either thank ya, any more thoughts would be cool as well. -acadame

I really have to get over this..I've been attracted to my teaching assistant since the summer when I was taking a course with him. We seemed to get along really well the first time we met; I really felt like we really clicked & there was possibly a mutual attraction..I'm not really sure. He only gave a few lectures though, as the prof. accepted the majority of the responsibilities for the class, and I didn't see him much. He gave me his phone number & e-mail address though, and said I could call him anytime if I needed help & to stay in touch if I liked. But whenever I saw him in class he would look away, and I got the impression that he was trying to ignore me. He also pretended not to know my name in class.. So my general impression from this is that he isn't interested, which is fine..except for the fact that I can't really get him out of my mind. I still see him around the university sometimes & I know later I'll be tempted to e-mail him for essay help, since he really is a great asset in that respect..and he said after the exam that I could. Does anyone know how to get a crush out of your mind? The problem is that he's pretty much perfect -- he's very intelligent, extremely good-looking, witty, only a few years older than me and generally kind. He probably just views me as a dedicated student and wants to help me get good grades, but at the same time it's so hard to keep from liking him and flirting..and to keep him out of my mind, especially when I see him around campus. Does anyone have any suggestions? should I just ignore him like he did to me, or how can I keep him out of my mind? I'm starting to just see this as a stupid, pointless infatuation, like 14-yr-old girls get and want to be rid of it.. If anyone has any suggestions that'd be great..school generally occupies my mind, but right now I'm writing an essay and am so tempted to call him and he just keeps returning to mind..but it really is so pointless. I'm a rational person, I can see that but I can't control this..ugh. Any help would be appreciated. thx. -acadame