Jibralta

I've never heard of parasocial relationships, but a quick google search tells me that they are not uncommon and can actually be somewhat helpful for someone that lacks confidence in social situations. Of course, they can take a very negative turn, but I don't get the impression that you were stalking him or anything like that. It seems to me that you enjoyed having a crush while benefitting from the (seeming) safety of not being disappointed by the demise of a relationship. Alas, you were not actually safe from disappointment. Celebrity crushes have always been a thing. When I was growing up in the 80s and 90s, there were these teen magazines plastered with images of celebrities for us to worship. This insipid expectation developed before the 80s and 90s (girls screaming and fainting in front of Elvis or the Beatles), and I'm absolutely sure this expectation still exists, but the medium has changed from physical to digital. When I was a kid it was considered normal for girls to fawn over images of New Kids on the Block and Jason Priestley. Actually, I remember feeling a great deal of pressure to comply with this expectation. My mom was actually worried that I didn't go ga-ga over these images like 'normal' girls did, and my sister and friends rolled their eyes at me like I was being difficult lol. Even though I heartily resisted the Teen Crush Bandwagon, I was absolutely stunned in 1993, when I learned that River Phoenix had died. I was 16, he was 23. I grew up watching him grow up. I had a huge (secret) crush on him, like he was a friend's older brother. I never really imagined a relationship with him, but I knew that he was out there...somewhere. Well, I felt his death like a blow to the heart. He was no longer out there, anywhere. I didn't cry or complain or anything like that, but man! What a huge disappointment that was! And what a surprise to feel it so intensely! I mean, I didn't realize that I had attached any hopes to him until he died. But I obviously had. Anyway, these things happen. It sound to me like you have a healthy perspective on the whole thing, to be honest. You know that what you're doing is a little silly. No one has to tell you that. I can't explain the intense disappointment that you felt when you learned that Josh Kiszka was gay, just like I can't explain my disappointment when I learned that River Phoenix was dead. I should also tell you that I didn't learn any major life lessons from that experience, except maybe that hopes don't have to be fully formed sentences. Sometimes sht just happens.

You mentioned that he has routinely jumped to incorrect conclusions and accusations over the four years that you've been together. Knowing this about him, why would you expect him to correctly conclude that you might be busy? Wouldn't it make more sense to be prepared for him to make the same insecure mistake and nip the whole thing in the bud by saying something reassuring? You also mentioned that you share a lot in common. I think you my share more in common than you realize: You both have this hard line that you set up for each other in terms of expectations. He thinks you should think and behave a certain way, you think he should think and behave a certain way. Neither of you seems willing to take any steps to meet the other halfway. It's as if you're each standing on a steep mountaintop and there is no middle ground. Another way in which you behave similarly is by introducing a third party to take sides. He recruited his mother, you recruited this forum. All of this tug-of-war is causing you to lose sight of the most important thing, which is that you have a really good time together. Isn't that worth climbing down off of the mountaintop?

Maybe he starts it, but you both dish it back and forth pretty readily. If you don't like this dynamic, you have to stop participating in it. If he says something snarky, like, "Perhaps you’d have more fun if you plan the activities," don't play coy with, "I'll see what I can do." Be specific and direct with what you want: "Ok. I'll look into that tomorrow (or Thursday, or whenever)" Or: "Kayaking actually does sound like fun. I'll try it." Or: "You make the plans. I'll have fun with whatever you pick." Yes, it was passive aggressive of him to say "I gave up on our plan making session I thought we were gonna have this evening and started watching a movie. Go to bed if you’re tired." But your response ("Sorry, didn’t know we had to plan everything out this evening when I had been gone all weekend.") was equally so. You could have neutralized the whole conflict (instead of feeding into it) by saying, "I'm sorry. I'm just a lot more tired than I expected. Can we pick this up tomorrow?" The fact is, you're both looking for a fight.

I don't think you made a mistake. I think the experiences that you've gained are and will be beneficial to you. You should feel proud and try to rid yourself of the guilt. I don't think it's a loss at all.

Seems to me that pretending to like AI would be a lot easier than pretending to like your reverse-mail-order bride.... How much do the AI/ Computer Science gigs pay as compared to supply chain?

I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel worse. I've just seen this sort of cowardly behavior before, with one of my sister's boyfriends. She was blindsided when he broke up with her so abruptly, but I knew exactly why he did it--I had overheard something about him the night before and he was afraid I'd tell her. There's never not a reason for something like that.

Hmmmm.... I wonder if she didn't 'support' him for the same reasons that have caused you to find it impossible? Something I learned when I was dating was to avoid guys who badmouthed or blamed their exes. They invariably tried to manipulate me with guilt trips or through comparison with their so-called 'evil' exes. I know it's a little late for you to run the other way, but keep in mind that some people avoid taking responsibility for their own actions by pinning the blame on other people. With him, it's too much heat or too much cold or too much walking or too much driving or too much standing. You're remembering the story with the ex because you don't want him to blame you for this relationship not working out--just as he blamed his ex. But you have to absolve yourself of that guilt. Think about her side of things, now that you find yourself struggling to support him. How can you possibly support someone who blames everything else but himself for giving up?

Listen to him!! When someone tells you that he is bad, BELIEVE him. You know what I think happened? He hooked up with someone else. It might have been the girl he brought to the sauna. It might have been a completely different person. But after you spent that awesome day together, I think he went from your arms straight into someone else's. Why? Because he's self-destructive. When something good comes along, he shoots it out of the sky. This is someone to avoid!! You are beating yourself up. I agree with wiseman: this is a character thing, not a race thing!

For me, it can go either way, and I just have to be aware of what is working and if/when it stops working. Writing has often helped me process through challenges, but sometimes I go through things and I don't feel a need to write about them at all. Or, sometimes writing (or talking) is initially helpful, but then stops being helpful.

I agree. I think these red flags (lovebombing and oversharing) are more of a character issue than a circumstance issue. I don't think they will go away because they are both the result of messy boundaries.

I feel similarly. I didn't seriously consider settling down when I was younger. I enjoyed the adventure of having a crush, but found that after a certain point I'd feel stifled and want solitude. As I got into my 30s, my preferences changed. The dating process became tiresome, no longer worth the thrill of falling in love. I agree. I know quite a few people in my old apartment building who were solitary. They were perfectly nice, normal people. They just didn't have a partner.

I think it's fine to be the way that you are. We all have preferences, plain and simple.

You may be right. If I were in your shoes, I might have the same worries. Difficult position to be in.

If he's this way when he's 50 years old, he will always be this way.

I disagree. Some people lack the self-awareness to recognize that they are being manipulative. Sometimes it's the result of a personality disorder. Sometimes it's the result of their upbringing and to them it is normal behavior. Sometimes people are in denial about it--white lies, omitting facts, passive aggressive behavior, silent treatment, etc... the list goes on and on. It's not even remotely victim blaming. If you want to do better next time, you should be asking yourself what you could have done better. Hard truth: Nobody is responsible for you but you.

I'm glad you're starting to chip away at that pedestal you've put him on. You want more than an attractive façade. That's not difficult to find. It's just not going to be handed to you on a platter. You need to develop the skill and patience to weed out the ones whose good qualities are only skin-deep. Yes, you were misled and manipulated, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he consciously set out to trick you and that it's all his fault. Just like you've been lazy in your selection process, he may have been lazy in his communication process. Take note of how you feel right now, so that you don't let it happen again in the future!

Nostalgia is whitewashing a lot of the negative qualities that this guy had. Don't forget, this is the guy that sent you a text of him jacking off and didn't make time for you--particularly after you shared a sexual experience. He put effort in until he got what he wanted, then he stopped making an effort. You felt used! The sadness and nostalgia that you feel is very common following a break up, and it's easy to fall into the belief that you've lost something great. But in reality, he was kind of a dck. There are way better guys out there. Don't worry.

I think you are correct. He doesn't value your relationship.

No need to move him in. Simply don't gossip, say horrible things, or make snide comments about his situation and you will show yourself to be a true friend.

You are starting to cheat right here. It doesn't matter whether it's 'crossed your mind to cheat.' You're doing it. I don't know how. Maybe it will take a few weeks to figure that out. But you need to break it off with your gf because you aren't committed to her. It's not fair to her to pretend that you are just for your own comfort.

You should go. Their business is definitely not finished. It doesn't matter what excuses he gives, whether he admits he is attracted to her or not, etc.

I think that moving away (unfair though it is) is a great start. Anything you can do to put distance between yourself, her, and all the other people who took her side, will help. Forget them. Focus on the future, and on the creation of better relationships with better people.

You guys are already bickering!!