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Thread: Reality Check

  1. #1

    Reality Check

    I completely love my boyfriend. Iím extremely loyal and Iíve lived through a lot. Iím a disabled army veteran. Iím a Christian, but not a holy roller. Iíve been divorced almost 12 years. I met a ďChristian manĒ with 3 incredible children. I do not have any children of my own and Iím, almost 40. I lived alone, got and paid through scholarships and hard work for my MBA. Never wanted to do online dating, but met a man a yr and a half ago, that I completely love and believed in. Waited a year to graduate, multiple trips... But ultimately moved multiple Stares for him. Iíve been here just over 6 months. Heís also prior military before my service (but heís older). His ex he was officially with many years, heís from a well to do family (I am not, but my family is honest and good). I moved here, his kids and I love each other and I pray and cry many nights for things to be better. I know no one here, except him and his predominate family. He says he loves me, sometimes he is sweet. He says I have trust issues.... Yes I was cheated on more than once over 12 Yrs ago. He is high profile, meaning civilian working for the DOD. Bottom line, heís lied to me a bunch. He maintains he is a highly respected government official (and he is) with a very successful Christian family. Iíve covered bruises, more than a handful of times, the next day I hear itís me. I do it to myself apparently. If he is angry he lies about me. If we are good,, itís wonderful! He is lately so quick to be angry at me. Even in front of the kids, but he says itís me, I donít know how to shut up. He was on online dating our entire 1st yr dating.... Yes, I looked at his email when I moved in after he left it up, I wasnít seeking it. I saw he was on the sites, a huge deal breaker for me which I explicitly told him well in advance, multiple times.... He had a female he broke up with me for, which he swears he never had sex with. I found the messages, she was basically a call girl. He was going to have her ďsneak in for no strings attached fun, while his kids were with him sleepingĒ, not my opinion I screen shot the conversation, because I knew heíd not tell the truth. He accidentally text me at that time, meaning to text her. I caught it, but he said I was crazy at the time. When I saw the messages I backed up the timeline, perfect match. He came back, said he loved me. Now Iím here, love him and the kiddos! But I canít trust him, thereís four other strange or straight up lies, heís told me regarding women or exploitation of them. Swears that was a bad time, he loves me and he is trying, just cautious because his ex-ran up bills. BTW I showed him my exceptional credit, no bills, college (MBA) paid off, no debt, almost an 800 score. I didnít come from anything but I have worked very hard. I have PTSD from serving, which gives me anxiety. He knows this,,, and itís often thrown in my face during arguments. His ex is the complete opposite of me, tall, very tall (taller than him), extremely anorexic. Iím not, Iím curvy and not even 5í1Ē, but Iím not fat. The pressure to be thin is overwhelming! The females heís talked to are like his ex, but he says Iím just jealous. He continues to say he loves me, and I love him, but he is distant and very short with me. He is angry if I talk about wanting to be engaged, before I moved here he was still kinda rude, but definitely more open. He threatens to break up with me all the time, for little things (example I asked about French fries in front of the kids, he made them go to their room and he yelled at me). But then he comes back and we are ďhappyĒ, he brags about me. He compliments me with the kids. He wonít make love to me facing me anymore, thatís very different.... He wonít talk, if I try to heís angry. He says I need to trust him and he has never officially cheated on me. He says he wants us to work it out. But heís so angry at the littlest things. I pray often. I care so much, Iím so invested now. I lost my job with COVID. Iím trying. There are moments of heaven and moments I feel so hurt and alone.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Move back home. He is abusive. You know that. No amount of money, facades, bibles or good jobs stops abuse. You stop it by moving back home. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Pray for a way out, not for him to change.

  3. #3
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Originally Posted by ValorAttempt
    He says I have trust issues.... Bottom line, heís lied to me a bunch... Iíve covered bruises, more than a handful of times, the next day I hear itís me... If he is angry he lies about me... He is lately so quick to be angry at me... He was on online dating our entire 1st yr dating.... he says Iím just jealous... He threatens to break up with me all the time... He wonít make love to me facing me anymore... He wonít talk, if I try to heís angry.
    You completely love all this abuse??? You want to be engaged to such a horrible individual??? Oh my word. Get the heck out of there before you end up with more than just bruises. This man doesn't give a damn about you and he's gaslighting you like there's no tomorrow. He sees you as convenient to have around, but he doesn't love you, care for you or respect you. Saying these words means nothing when his actions don't match up at all.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    This is not love, OP. It is abuse.

    You need to find a way out of this. It will never become your Happily Ever After. Do you have any friends or family who could put you up for a while? You cannot stay with this abuser.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    You havenít asked any questions so I assume you are simply venting?

    Yes you moved to be with him, But you fail to accept any responsibility as to why you are there and still there??

    You say you didnít want to online date, but you did?
    You moved to where he was. Did he force you? no!

    You have no friends where you moved to. Why? Did you try? Did he not allow it?

    You are still there. Why? Are you locked up in his basement?

    The bottom line is that you have chosen to be where you are.
    You can get out but you are choosing not to.

    Ask yourself why? And why not?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012

    I'm not going to mince words here....

    Please talk to someone at an abuse hotline or call your family. You are in a very bad, abusive situation and need to get out of this ASAP!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    central Florida
    That's exactly why local dating is far better than what begins as LDRs. You really don't know a man until you are close inside his orbit. Sometimes people seek out LDRs because they have something to hide.

    When you moved to his town, you should have gotten your own place for a minimum of a year to really get to know him before making the bigger leap into moving into his house. And because you moved in, you've gotten the poor children attached to you which is a shame for them.

    You don't think highly of yourself to accept abuse. Move out. Get therapy or at minimum read books on how to boost your self esteem. Don't date until this is achieved, plus ditching your emotional baggage. Learn from your mistakes and date locally next time without making major decisions like moving in for a year or better, two. Take care.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    He is an abusive, cheating, gaslighting, disgusting person. Don't you think you deserve better?

    And really, your situation sounds incredibly dangerous to me. He gets angry with you on the smallest things and hurts you. He's exposing you to who knows what STDs. Staying in this relationship could literally cost your life.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Wilds of Texas
    Invested in what? Another beating?
    What do you love? The rages? The beatings? Hiding bruises and pretending all is well? The lies? The gaslighting?

    OP, God helps those who help themselves. Start by picking up the phone, calling an abuse hotline today and getting help to leave this psychopath. Yes, pillars of the community, church leaders are much too often also wife beating lying cheating losers behind closed doors. People to actually stay away from rather than admire.

    Call your friends and family and tell them the truth and ask for help to get out and get out. Also, get counseling please. When you are getting beaten and still proclaim but "I looooove him" you need to get your head screwed on straight. The only thing you are invested in is a dream. Your reality is a life threatening nightmare and it's only going to get worse if you don't get out. Next stop hospital ER with broken bones, next time after that it will be the morgue. Wake up already before it's too late for you.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Don't fall for his medals and stars. This person is no good for you and you know it. Tackle your financial independence first. It can seem insurmountable but you can do it if you find the will. Find the strength and the will to go on without the abuse.

    People will come at you in life in all kinds of shapes, colours, sizes and adorned with anything from titles to money. I think you've been awestruck by his military career. He is a man like any other man and nothing more. Keep your chin up and get out of this situation.

    I think the separation and the emotional/psychological distancing should happen now. Start planning a new route for yourself and move back home if you have to or temporarily live with a family member or friend you trust. Get back on your feet and don't keep wrapping yourself up in cages. You're sabotaging your own future. Move out and move on.

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