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Thread: Nervous and not sure what to do next

  1. #1
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    Nervous and not sure what to do next

    Hi, I am a bit embarrassed to post this but could really use some advice.

    I started talking to a guy much older than me a couple of months ago who I have really grown to like. We got together and have hung out a few times casually and then things progressed to the next stage earlier this week. I was with him and we were fooling around (and this is the embarrassing part), as we were fooling around I took his pants off and completely freaked out over how big he was and totally froze up and basically told him I couldnít do this and left a short time after. I feel so immature, embarrassed and I feel bad for what I did. What should I do now? Heís texted a few times and I havenít known what to say so Jane just ignored him. Iím being stupid arenít I?

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    Not to sound insensitive, but do you have much sexual experience, lyndsey? Or much dating experience? How old is he, and how old are you?

    You need to talk to him, if you have any hope of saving this. Ignoring him is not the way to go and I am not sure what's causing you so much anxiety. You need to identify exactly where your fear is coming from so you can discuss it with him. Is it his presumed level of experience compared to yours, given the age difference? Not being ready for sexual intimacy?

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Not to sound insensitive, but do you have much sexual experience, lyndsey? Or much dating experience? How old is he, and how old are you?

    You need to talk to him, if you have any hope of saving this. Ignoring him is not the way to go and I am not sure what's causing you so much anxiety. You need to identify exactly where your fear is coming from so you can discuss it with him. Is it his presumed level of experience compared to yours, given the age difference? Not being ready for sexual intimacy?
    Thank you for the response. I think it might be a bit of all of the things you mentioned. I am 24 and he is 46. No, I do not have Ďa lotí of experience sexually. I have only had 2 partners in my life so far.

    I am not certain what exactly the fear is. I mean I admit I was really shocked by how big he was but I donít if it was fear of that exactly or of being afraid of not knowing what to do or if I would come across as inexperienced to him or something else entirely.

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    Originally Posted by lyndsey24sc
    I am not certain what exactly the fear is. I mean I admit I was really shocked by how big he was but I donít if it was fear of that exactly or of being afraid of not knowing what to do or if I would come across as inexperienced to him or something else entirely.
    Unfortunately, I think you bolting and then ignoring him is showing him this anyway.

    You can likely still rectify it if you take a couple deep breaths and talk to him. He is probably very worried that he did something to upset you, or that you flat-out don't like the look of his...er...body. Communication is key here. If you're not ready to be intimate, you can be honest about it. If he's larger than you're used to, take it slowly.

    But I think you're going to need to do some deeper inner reflection to figure out what caused this panicked reaction, and your lack of any communication with him since. Don't run and hide from your feelings, girl.

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Unfortunately, I think you bolting and then ignoring him is showing him this anyway.

    You can likely still rectify it if you take a couple deep breaths and talk to him. He is probably very worried that he did something to upset you, or that you flat-out don't like the look of his...er...body. Communication is key here. If you're not ready to be intimate, you can be honest about it. If he's larger than you're used to, take it slowly.

    But I think you're going to need to do some deeper inner reflection to figure out what caused this panicked reaction, and your lack of any communication with him since. Don't run and hide from your feelings, girl.
    You are totally right, I know. And I donít want him feeling like he did anything wrong because he absolutely didnít. I will reach out to him and be honest, even though that in itself will be embarrassing. But he deserves better than being ignored. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond misscanuck!

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    Honestly, at least in my experience, is always more freeing than embarrassing. He'll feel better, as will youóa little lesson, I suspect, that will be good for navigating the general business of romance.

    That said, I agree with MissCanuk about reflecting a bit about this panic. If you're not ready for sexual intimacy, if you need more of a sense of where things are going before getting intimateóas opposed to getting intimate to see where things are goingóthen you shouldn't feel embarrassed to express that. Not saying that's what's happening here, but just some ideas to reflect on. Might also be worth asking if an age gap like that is a bit much to bridge.

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    I think communication is really important no matter what the issue is. From you post it sounds like the age gap makes you feel less confident within the relationship. I dated a guy briefly last summer and the same situation happened. He was extremely large and I was a bit shocked by it. I wasnít sure I could handle it because Iím ďsmallĒ down there. But we just took it slow and then honestly it didnít really hurt that much. The main point is that if itís not with this guy then thatís just the way it is but you have to be able to express concerns or talk things out rather than run away from issues. Just think about how you would like him to come to you about some thing like that it probably was embarrassing to him that you ran off and then ignored him. Part of being an adult woman or just an adult in general is not letting the fear of having those kind of conversations stop you because then it just prevents growth for you as a person itís so much easier to hide from things that bother us rather than to confront them and Iím sure that you donít want to do that because last communication you have going for the more likely youíre going to have a frustrating relationship with anyone. My advice is to call him and apologize explain your fears and go from there.However I will say that you should think really hard about whether or not itís something you want to continue before you do that. My cousin and her husband have almost the exact same age gap and theyíve been together 20 years I wonít say that having an age gap like that isnít difficult but itís not as if it canít be done but you canít allow his older age to make you feel in adequate about where you are because youíre just as much of an adult he is

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    Originally Posted by katiekat3586
    I think communication is really important no matter what the issue is. From you post it sounds like the age gap makes you feel less confident within the relationship. I dated a guy briefly last summer and the same situation happened. He was extremely large and I was a bit shocked by it. I wasnít sure I could handle it because Iím ďsmallĒ down there. But we just took it slow and then honestly it didnít really hurt that much. The main point is that if itís not with this guy then thatís just the way it is but you have to be able to express concerns or talk things out rather than run away from issues. Just think about how you would like him to come to you about some thing like that it probably was embarrassing to him that you ran off and then ignored him. Part of being an adult woman or just an adult in general is not letting the fear of having those kind of conversations stop you because then it just prevents growth for you as a person itís so much easier to hide from things that bother us rather than to confront them and Iím sure that you donít want to do that because last communication you have going for the more likely youíre going to have a frustrating relationship with anyone. My advice is to call him and apologize explain your fears and go from there.However I will say that you should think really hard about whether or not itís something you want to continue before you do that. My cousin and her husband have almost the exact same age gap and theyíve been together 20 years I wonít say that having an age gap like that isnít difficult but itís not as if it canít be done but you canít allow his older age to make you feel in adequate about where you are because youíre just as much of an adult he is
    Thank you so much. I need to hear this kind of feedback and I admit, I acted incredibly immaturely about this. I sent him a text just now apologizing for being scared. It definitely is not the age that is giving me any hesitations. It is primarily his size and the fact that I am scared of it hurting or for me not pleasing him. I know that sounds silly. Ugh lol

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    Pick up the phone and call him, lyndsey.

    Something like this should not be communicated by texting. Use your words with your own voice, even if it feels intimidating.

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Pick up the phone and call him, lyndsey.

    Something like this should not be communicated by texting. Use your words with your own voice, even if it feels intimidating.
    Ok, I will follow up with a call. I just figured he would be at work and didnít want to bother him with a call but youíre right

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