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Nervous and not sure what to do next


lyndsey24sc

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Hi, I am a bit embarrassed to post this but could really use some advice.

 

I started talking to a guy much older than me a couple of months ago who I have really grown to like. We got together and have hung out a few times casually and then things progressed to the next stage earlier this week. I was with him and we were fooling around (and this is the embarrassing part), as we were fooling around I took his pants off and completely freaked out over how big he was and totally froze up and basically told him I couldn’t do this and left a short time after. I feel so immature, embarrassed and I feel bad for what I did. What should I do now? He’s texted a few times and I haven’t known what to say so Jane just ignored him. I’m being stupid aren’t I?

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Not to sound insensitive, but do you have much sexual experience, lyndsey? Or much dating experience? How old is he, and how old are you?

 

You need to talk to him, if you have any hope of saving this. Ignoring him is not the way to go and I am not sure what's causing you so much anxiety. You need to identify exactly where your fear is coming from so you can discuss it with him. Is it his presumed level of experience compared to yours, given the age difference? Not being ready for sexual intimacy?

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Not to sound insensitive, but do you have much sexual experience, lyndsey? Or much dating experience? How old is he, and how old are you?

 

You need to talk to him, if you have any hope of saving this. Ignoring him is not the way to go and I am not sure what's causing you so much anxiety. You need to identify exactly where your fear is coming from so you can discuss it with him. Is it his presumed level of experience compared to yours, given the age difference? Not being ready for sexual intimacy?

 

Thank you for the response. I think it might be a bit of all of the things you mentioned. I am 24 and he is 46. No, I do not have ‘a lot’ of experience sexually. I have only had 2 partners in my life so far.

 

I am not certain what exactly the fear is. I mean I admit I was really shocked by how big he was but I don’t if it was fear of that exactly or of being afraid of not knowing what to do or if I would come across as inexperienced to him or something else entirely.

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I am not certain what exactly the fear is. I mean I admit I was really shocked by how big he was but I don’t if it was fear of that exactly or of being afraid of not knowing what to do or if I would come across as inexperienced to him or something else entirely.

 

Unfortunately, I think you bolting and then ignoring him is showing him this anyway.

 

You can likely still rectify it if you take a couple deep breaths and talk to him. He is probably very worried that he did something to upset you, or that you flat-out don't like the look of his...er...body. Communication is key here. If you're not ready to be intimate, you can be honest about it. If he's larger than you're used to, take it slowly.

 

But I think you're going to need to do some deeper inner reflection to figure out what caused this panicked reaction, and your lack of any communication with him since. Don't run and hide from your feelings, girl.

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Unfortunately, I think you bolting and then ignoring him is showing him this anyway.

 

You can likely still rectify it if you take a couple deep breaths and talk to him. He is probably very worried that he did something to upset you, or that you flat-out don't like the look of his...er...body. Communication is key here. If you're not ready to be intimate, you can be honest about it. If he's larger than you're used to, take it slowly.

 

But I think you're going to need to do some deeper inner reflection to figure out what caused this panicked reaction, and your lack of any communication with him since. Don't run and hide from your feelings, girl.

 

You are totally right, I know. And I don’t want him feeling like he did anything wrong because he absolutely didn’t. I will reach out to him and be honest, even though that in itself will be embarrassing. But he deserves better than being ignored. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond misscanuck!

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Honestly, at least in my experience, is always more freeing than embarrassing. He'll feel better, as will you—a little lesson, I suspect, that will be good for navigating the general business of romance.

 

That said, I agree with MissCanuk about reflecting a bit about this panic. If you're not ready for sexual intimacy, if you need more of a sense of where things are going before getting intimate—as opposed to getting intimate to see where things are going—then you shouldn't feel embarrassed to express that. Not saying that's what's happening here, but just some ideas to reflect on. Might also be worth asking if an age gap like that is a bit much to bridge.

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I think communication is really important no matter what the issue is. From you post it sounds like the age gap makes you feel less confident within the relationship. I dated a guy briefly last summer and the same situation happened. He was extremely large and I was a bit shocked by it. I wasn’t sure I could handle it because I’m “small” down there. But we just took it slow and then honestly it didn’t really hurt that much. The main point is that if it’s not with this guy then that’s just the way it is but you have to be able to express concerns or talk things out rather than run away from issues. Just think about how you would like him to come to you about some thing like that it probably was embarrassing to him that you ran off and then ignored him. Part of being an adult woman or just an adult in general is not letting the fear of having those kind of conversations stop you because then it just prevents growth for you as a person it’s so much easier to hide from things that bother us rather than to confront them and I’m sure that you don’t want to do that because last communication you have going for the more likely you’re going to have a frustrating relationship with anyone. My advice is to call him and apologize explain your fears and go from there.However I will say that you should think really hard about whether or not it’s something you want to continue before you do that. My cousin and her husband have almost the exact same age gap and they’ve been together 20 years I won’t say that having an age gap like that isn’t difficult but it’s not as if it can’t be done but you can’t allow his older age to make you feel in adequate about where you are because you’re just as much of an adult he is

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I think communication is really important no matter what the issue is. From you post it sounds like the age gap makes you feel less confident within the relationship. I dated a guy briefly last summer and the same situation happened. He was extremely large and I was a bit shocked by it. I wasn’t sure I could handle it because I’m “small” down there. But we just took it slow and then honestly it didn’t really hurt that much. The main point is that if it’s not with this guy then that’s just the way it is but you have to be able to express concerns or talk things out rather than run away from issues. Just think about how you would like him to come to you about some thing like that it probably was embarrassing to him that you ran off and then ignored him. Part of being an adult woman or just an adult in general is not letting the fear of having those kind of conversations stop you because then it just prevents growth for you as a person it’s so much easier to hide from things that bother us rather than to confront them and I’m sure that you don’t want to do that because last communication you have going for the more likely you’re going to have a frustrating relationship with anyone. My advice is to call him and apologize explain your fears and go from there.However I will say that you should think really hard about whether or not it’s something you want to continue before you do that. My cousin and her husband have almost the exact same age gap and they’ve been together 20 years I won’t say that having an age gap like that isn’t difficult but it’s not as if it can’t be done but you can’t allow his older age to make you feel in adequate about where you are because you’re just as much of an adult he is

 

Thank you so much. I need to hear this kind of feedback and I admit, I acted incredibly immaturely about this. I sent him a text just now apologizing for being scared. It definitely is not the age that is giving me any hesitations. It is primarily his size and the fact that I am scared of it hurting or for me not pleasing him. I know that sounds silly. Ugh lol

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Pick up the phone and call him, lyndsey.

 

Something like this should not be communicated by texting. Use your words with your own voice, even if it feels intimidating.

 

Ok, I will follow up with a call. I just figured he would be at work and didn’t want to bother him with a call but you’re right

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Pick up the phone and call him, lyndsey.

 

Something like this should not be communicated by texting. Use your words with your own voice, even if it feels intimidating.

 

Ok I just spoke to him briefly. That was not easy to say but he was so sweet about it and said he was flattered about what I said too.

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It would be better to go out on dates with men for a while and get to know each other rather than show up for random hookups. Are you a virgin or inexperienced? Either way it's not working. Something creeped you out so do not follow up.

 

Next time get to know someone better and have the exclusive talk before sex.Date men in your own age range and life stage. Let it go. You apologized and explained why you're incompatible so don't pursue it.

We got together and have hung out a few times casually and then things progressed to the next stage earlier this week. as we were fooling around I took his pants off and completely freaked out over how big he was and totally froze up and basically told him I couldn’t do this and left a short time after.
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As I mentioned we have been out a bunch of times before this so we had been seeing each other before hooking up. So this wasn’t just a physical thing and I have thought quite a bit about the age difference and we have talked about that quite a bit over the past couple of months

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I'm glad you called him, for your own growth, but being totally frank I can't help but wonder about the sort of dynamic you're creating here. Of course he was "flattered" by a young woman telling him she got a little freaked out by his endowment. That's basically a bag of candy for his ego to snack on.

 

In your shoes I'd have a real think about whether this is the sort of things you want, as you're casting yourself in the role of the jittery, embarrassed one, with those very jitters now soothing him, giving him a sense of power. Very hard to see a scale with equal weights on both sides in that sort of dynamic.

 

I'm not saying age gap relationships like this can't work, but they really only work between two people who want inequality. Is that something that interests you or something that has come up during your talks about the gap?

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I'm glad you called him, for your own growth, but being totally frank I can't help but wonder about the sort of dynamic you're creating here. Of course he was "flattered" by a young woman telling him she got a little freaked out by his endowment. That's basically a bag of candy for his ego to snack on.

 

In your shoes I'd have a real think about whether this is the sort of things you want, as you're casting yourself in the role of the jittery, embarrassed one, with those very jitters now soothing him, giving him a sense of power. Very hard to see a scale with equal weights on both sides in that sort of dynamic.

 

I'm not saying age gap relationships like this can't work, but they really only work between two people who want inequality. Is that something that interests you or something that has come up during your talks about the gap?

 

Inequality is definitely not something either of us want in this relationship. Now I’ll admit sexually I tend to be a little bit more submissive I guess in a sense that I am not a leader in that sense, I like to be led.

 

In calling him I did feel a sense of strength in myself though that I had not felt in sometime so the advice to call him helped me and my psyche quite a bit

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Part of being a match sexually is that your private bits need to fit. Sometimes they don't - too big, too small, too long, too short, etc. These are sexual realities and unfortunately, things we cannot change about our bodies, not to mention that you don't find out until the clothes come off. It's a vulnerable moment to say the least and can be disappointing at times when the bits don't align properly if you will. My point is that if this isn't something you can deal with and enjoy sex without being in pain, don't feel bad about calling it not a match and walking away. Understand also that if he really is that big, then it's not the first time in his life that a woman said no to that.

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I'm glad you called him, for your own growth, but being totally frank I can't help but wonder about the sort of dynamic you're creating here. Of course he was "flattered" by a young woman telling him she got a little freaked out by his endowment. That's basically a bag of candy for his ego to snack on.

 

In your shoes I'd have a real think about whether this is the sort of things you want, as you're casting yourself in the role of the jittery, embarrassed one, with those very jitters now soothing him, giving him a sense of power. Very hard to see a scale with equal weights on both sides in that sort of dynamic.

 

I'm not saying age gap relationships like this can't work, but they really only work between two people who want inequality. Is that something that interests you or something that has come up during your talks about the gap?

 

Part of being a match sexually is that your private bits need to fit. Sometimes they don't - too big, too small, too long, too short, etc. These are sexual realities and unfortunately, things we cannot change about our bodies, not to mention that you don't find out until the clothes come off. It's a vulnerable moment to say the least and can be disappointing at times when the bits don't align properly if you will. My point is that if this isn't something you can deal with and enjoy sex without being in pain, don't feel bad about calling it not a match and walking away. Understand also that if he really is that big, then it's not the first time in his life that a woman said no to that.

 

That’s true too and I guess I just never considered that there could ever be someone so big that it would give me this reaction, yet here I am lol...ugh. I don’t know if it was just the initial shock or am I really scared or do I really want to know what it might be like? I don’t know

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That’s true too and I guess I just never considered that there could ever be someone so big that it would give me this reaction, yet here I am lol...ugh. I don’t know if it was just the initial shock or am I really scared or do I really want to know what it might be like? I don’t know

 

For some, there really is such a thing as too big. But you won't know unless you try.

He appears to have taken all this in stride and was gracious when you reached out to explain. I doubt he was surprised.

 

So is this done or open for reconsideration?

 

I dated someone like him. I can safely guess this isn't the first time he's had a similar reaction. My experience, I was warned right before we crossed that point. I thought he was joking initially. Apparently, it had been a problem in previous relationships. And ultimately, for myself I couldn't see a lifetime of that.

 

That's not what ended the relationship. It was a combination of other things. If we had a lot going for us in other areas I would have worked around it.

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I'm glad you called him, for your own growth, but being totally frank I can't help but wonder about the sort of dynamic you're creating here. Of course he was "flattered" by a young woman telling him she got a little freaked out by his endowment. That's basically a bag of candy for his ego to snack on.

 

In your shoes I'd have a real think about whether this is the sort of things you want, as you're casting yourself in the role of the jittery, embarrassed one, with those very jitters now soothing him, giving him a sense of power. Very hard to see a scale with equal weights on both sides in that sort of dynamic.

 

I'm not saying age gap relationships like this can't work, but they really only work between two people who want inequality. Is that something that interests you or something that has come up during your talks about the gap?

 

For some, there really is such a thing as too big. But you won't know unless you try.

He appears to have taken all this in stride and was gracious when you reached out to explain. I doubt he was surprised.

 

So is this done or open for reconsideration?

 

I dated someone like him. I can safely guess this isn't the first time he's had a similar reaction. My experience, I was warned right before we crossed that point. I thought he was joking initially. Apparently, it had been a problem in previous relationships. And ultimately, for myself I couldn't see a lifetime of that.

 

That's not what ended the relationship. It was a combination of other things. If we had a lot going for us in other areas I would have worked around it.

 

You’re probably right, I’m sure he has gotten a similar reaction before. It’s definitely not done, I told him that I am really eager to know what it feels like to be with someone so big but that it may take a little bit of time. His response to that about made me melt.

 

I’m still nervous but feel a little bit better about things since we spoke and have texted a little since. I think I might have felt a little better if warned beforehand, that is really cute that you said the guy you were with did that. What did he say if you don’t mind me asking?

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What did he say if you don’t mind me asking?

 

I don't recall the exact words, but when things were getting frisky and the next step seemed inevitable, he was pretty direct about it. That he was well endowed and in his experience, it had been a problem for number of women.

 

 

But from your last post and his response. . If you're game, and it sounds like it, I think you'll have some fun exploring it.

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I don't recall the exact words, but when things were getting frisky and the next step seemed inevitable, he was pretty direct about it. That he was well endowed and in his experience, it had been a problem for number of women.

 

 

But from your last post and his response. . If your game, I think you'll have some fun figuring it out.

 

I think that warning for me may have been helpful lol. I definitely want to experience it. The guys I’ve been with in my past were all my age or so and much much smaller.

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I'm not trying to be rude and of course it's your decision but how can you really know if you're going to be hurt just by looking at the guy's penis? Like I understand you felt shocked but you also acted kind of over the top because you just freaked out and left before even giving it a chance. For one thing it's always important to have foreplay and maybe oral sex first so that the woman can get "ready" so she's relaxed for intercourse. You don't just stick the penis in without doing that first because that would hurt even if the penis was not big. So before rejecting the guy you could have given it a chance. You can also use all kinds of different lubricants to help. And not to mention sex is not only penetration, there are other things you can do too.

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You're not overreacting. There are many problems with this situation.

 

1.) He could be your father with the age difference.

 

2.) He is going to age heaps faster than you and there isn't going to be any kind of fairy tale ending.

 

3.) A man can be too big to fit inside of you. He could cause a lot of pain and damage if it doesn't fit. Be careful. It's a real thing. There are some people who work physically and some who do not.

 

4.) If he ever forces sex on you, he could do massive damage. I had a friend who went back to a mans motel room and was fooling around with him. He was very large as well. She didn't want to, and he ended forcing himself on her. He damaged her so badly down below that she had to endure surgery to be repaired.

 

Your reaction was not over the top or wrong. If it doesn't feel right..it's not right.

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You're not overreacting. There are many problems with this situation.

 

1.) He could be your father with the age difference.

 

2.) He is going to age heaps faster than you and there isn't going to be any kind of fairy tale ending.

 

3.) A man can be too big to fit inside of you. He could cause a lot of pain and damage if it doesn't fit. Be careful. It's a real thing. There are some people who work physically and some who do not.

 

4.) If he ever forces sex on you, he could do massive damage. I had a friend who went back to a mans motel room and was fooling around with him. He was very large as well. She didn't want to, and he ended forcing himself on her. He damaged her so badly down below that she had to endure surgery to be repaired.

 

Your reaction was not over the top or wrong. If it doesn't feel right..it's not right.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I ended up hanging out with him yesterday - went for a hike, lunch and walk around the city and then back to his place. I can honestly say I’ve never felt anything like that before. I was so nervous but he was so incredibly gentle, patient and amazing! I feel like I’m on cloud nine right now lol

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