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Thread: Sweden v the UK LDR

  1. #1
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Sweden v the UK LDR

    I always told myself i'd never get involved with anyone in another country again due to distance and how difficult it is it maintain.
    Yet, here I am. Head over heels with this guy and neither one of us want to part.

    We've just met, and he lives in Sweden and me in the UK.
    He is very convincing in telling me it's only a 'short flight' away. Yet it's not like I can jump in the car anytime and drive to him.
    He is convinced that if this is right, and we care about each other enough, then one of us can move.
    Which one, I don't know.
    In theory he's correct, but in the back of my mind I know it' not easy to truly get to know someone if you live far and are not living with each other.

    He's coming to see me again next week for a few days.
    After that I plan on seeing him in Sweden.
    Then we may be going on a cruise in March to spend more time together.

    Do any of you have any tips as to what obstacles to really expect and advice on how to overcome them together?
    I know technology has advanced enough to be able to facetime each other regularly to make us feel more closer, so that's a bonus.

    Many thanks,

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How did you meet? Is in the UK for school/work? Are you dating or exclusive? Do what's best for you. Why not wait until you see him in his native environment before making future plans. Enjoy the visits and trips but don't stop dating locally. Cyber relationships are not as easy as "facetime is available".
    Originally Posted by Limiya
    We've just met, and he lives in Sweden and me in the UK.
    He is very convincing in telling me it's only a 'short flight' away. Yet it's not like I can jump in the car anytime and drive to him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, the big problem with LDR's is not enough face time (I don't mean the app, lol) together, so people tend to drift apart - which is a nice way of saying they fall out of love.

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    How much time have you spent in person?

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How did you meet? Is in the UK for school/work? Are you dating or exclusive? Do what's best for you. Why not wait until you see him in his native environment before making future plans. Enjoy the visits and trips but don't stop dating locally. Cyber relationships are not as easy as "facetime is available".
    We met while he was here visiting friends.
    I know i'm getting carried away with my emotions a bit, and I think he is too. So i'm trying to keep myself a bit grounded and realistic as possible.
    I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for if we hit it off and want to take it further.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I will cross oceans and climb mountains, love shall conquer all is very romantic. However, if you want an LDR to work, you've got to toss that out the window and get really really pragmatic early on. What's different about an LDR is that you need to have difficult relationship conversations early.

    So he says one of you can move? Which one is what needs to be talked about realistically. Which country, what about language, jobs, culture, etc. You aren't talking about just moving a distance, you are talking about moving countries, so that alone is a huge added complication and something you need to think about, research, understand thoroughly before you can decide if it's even a viable option for either one of you or not at all. If moving isn't viable, then you stop right here and stop wasting time on this.

    The other part is getting to know the person you are dating in terms of how they are in the real every day sense. That's where LDR's are particularly challenging. It's easy to treat each visit as a sort of never ending fun vacation honeymoon. You go do fun things, see fun things, etc. Problem is that you aren't seeing the real person, you are seeing the holiday version of them and everyone is fabulous on holidays. It's naturally exciting. What you need to see if more mundane stuff like what they are like when they've had a bad day at work, what it's like to make mundane decisions with them, how do they resolve conflict. In short, the real test of a relationship is how people behave when it's not all fun, when there is conflict, when they are tired and cranky, how do they handle let downs, etc. Need to meet their friends too and spend some time with them to where they drop their guard with you and become more genuine and a little less "he is the greatest ever". That's where LDR's are hard because when you only see each other for a few days here and there, it's easy to put on a smile and pretend and ditto for skype, etc. To really know them, you really do need to see them in person and outside of "fun" stuff.

    Overall, if he is super pushy and you are getting the sense of a whirlwind romance, you might want to tap those brakes hard and be sure to keep your feet firmly on the ground and your eyes open for trouble under the surface.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Besides being expensive, and uprooting one's life away from a career, friends and family, who will see you and your kids less often if you have children, and the pace of dating is abnormal. In a normal relationship, dates are brief at the beginning and gradually get longer over time. With LDRs, you're forced to spend big chunks of time together, which can seem smothering.

    It also takes longer to see skeletons in the closet if there are any, and there might be cultural differences that end up as problematic.

    There have always been plenty of men in my local area I shared chemistry with. I liked having a companion I could get together with twice a week when dating. I'd had enough of being apart in my first marriage as a Navy wife.

    Good luck. You'll need it.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok the best way to view this is that he wanted a vacation fling. All the future talk is just that. Talk. You need to slow down and see what materializes in reality, not in your mind. Do not hold your breath or get wrapped up in a cyber relationship. Stay pen pals, but keep in mind...you are not dating.
    Originally Posted by Limiya
    We met while he was here visiting friends. I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for if we hit it off and want to take it further.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Great advice here.

    I honestly think the only reason to engage in a long distance relationship is because the distance and dynamic appeals, registers as a plus, not a minus. In other words, it shouldn't be because you met the most amazing person on the planet and are whipped into a sugary froth, but because you want a relationship that exists outside the "norm," not so different in ways than non-monogamy, poly, and so on: dynamics that genuinely work for a very small subset of people. You have to be into the lifestyle of it, fully, and be excited to have met a person who is also into it.

    Or, like DF wisely said, you have to have the real talks early, and one of you really has to be up for making a huge change.

    Example: I have friends in LA, where I live, who met when he was visiting from Costa Rica. They fell for each other hard and fast. Four months later he was living with her. Kind of nuts, sure, but the way they saw it was: they'd met their potential person, and there was really only one way to find out if that potential was real or fueled by romantic pixie dust. That was well over a decade ago. They're now married, with two kids. Heck, come to think of it I have another friend here who is married to a man from New Zealand—they met when she was on vacation and he up and moved across the world to see what was what shortly after.

    Thing about those stories is that they are not long distance relationships, but pretty conventional relationships between two people who didn't live in the same place when they met and made a point of changing that right away. They didn't build the fire over FaceTime and vacations.

    So maybe give yourself a minute to figure out what you want. And also a minute to tap the brakes a bit. A question I'm curious to hear you answer is: If he lived in the UK and was telling you, after however many hours/days you've spent together, that he was "convinced" you plus him equaled "right" would you feel the same way you do right now? Or would you find the zealotry to be a little much?

  11. #10
    Silver Member BecxyRex's Avatar
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    I was in a long distance relationship for a year until I moved to his country (Europe - USA, so the distance was pretty extreme). What helped us was knowing I'd make the move to attend university in his country once I finished school. Without this goal it would have been harder to maintain.
    This was also before smartphones and we talked on the good old landline daily and wrote actual letters to each other. Our visits were every 3 months for 3 weeks straight. I had a pretty good grasp who he was, because I spent weeks on end at his home and vice versa. We got married later and overall stayed together for 10 years. What I'm saying is it's doable, depending on how willing you are to put in the extra work and seriously come up with a plan on how to eventually be closer.

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