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Thread: Ending it. Dumpers perspective.

  1. #1
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    Ending it. Dumpers perspective.

    Hey guys,

    This is quite a sensitive topic and still very fresh.

    I met a girl about 7 years ago - a couple of months before she was to be married. We fell for each other. It seemed like it was too late and although she suggested she tell her then fiancé that she call it off, I couldn’t do it - mainly because at the time I felt that I didn’t know her long enough to commit to a marriage - because that was what she wanted. I thought that she would go through with it and any feelings she had would pass as she had already been living with her guy for 4 years. I also felt that if she was to leave that she should leave on her own accord.

    She went through with the wedding. It was a tough day for me that day and I was filled with sadness and accepted that she made her decision on her own and that was it. And that we could be friends someday.

    She contacted me on her honeymoon.
    She fell pregnant on her honeymoon.

    When she arrived back in town she told me that I destroyed her wedding day because all she could think about was me. And that when she found out she was pregnant that she was devastated because she knew that there would be no chance for us. It was rough to hear but I had no choice but to deal with it and take it like a man. It was ultimately her decision.

    I started dating another girl at this time or after her wedding with the hope that I would get over it. I was so determined to make my new relationship work that I wrecked it. The girl above kept saying to me that she made the right decision about marrying her guy after seeing how my relationship went. Little did she know and still to this day doesn’t know that no matter what I did, all that I could think about was her and in doing so made all the classic mistakes of being in a new relationship for the wrong reasons.

    We still hung out a bit - normally with friends but when we were alone, she would tell me how strong her feelings were for me and that she couldn’t shake off “what could have been”. I kept telling her that she has a great husband and kids and she would always reply “ yes, but he’s not you”. Her Facebook page is covered in photos of her husband and kids. When I would ask her about it she would say that it’s not how she really feels about him.

    One night; after dropping her off at home and I’ll never forget this until the day I die. Her words to me were “ I’m only going to tell you this once and I’ll never say it again - I love you” . My heart broke, I didn’t tell her I felt the same way. Although I do. Instead I told myself that she was going to go inside her home, brush her teeth, shower and get into bed with her husband with 2 kids in the other bedroom.

    As much as I love her, I’m not one to destroy a family.

    Every time I would pull away she would initiate contact. This has continued for the last 7 years. 7 years - the entire duration of her marriage. Even before. Her husband has no clue. She would keep telling me that she felt guilty because she’s living a double life and that she can’t help it.

    I have never told her that I love her and never gave her compliments - that seemed to annoy her.

    There would be times when she would be out with her friends and she would ask me where I was to meet up and many times, we did. Sometimes she would kiss me on the street and she would hold me as we walked and I would always tell her that one of her husbands friends would see her and she would always say “ I don’t care, I’m with you”

    There were times where she would come to my work and tell me she needed to see me briefly, give me a hug/kiss and tell me that she needed her “dose”

    I have kissed her a few times but have never had sex with her. Too many people would get hurt if it went that far. The situation was already bad enough.

    About 2 weeks ago, just before New Year’s Eve, I had enough. I couldn’t do it anymore. All the secrets, telling me she misses me and then going home to her husband and kids - it killed me. So I sent her a message telling her that it needs to cease and I blocked her on fb. I initially blocked her on WhatsApp but decide to unblock in case she has anything to say or vent - as opposed to the possibility of her coming to my work to say it. She hasn’t made contact.

    Interestingly, the day after I blocked her on Facebook she posted a whole lot of photos of her and her husband saying how much she loves and adores him - he’s amazing blah blah blah. It was so over the top that one of my friends called me to ask what she’s doing given that she was telling him what a hopeless husband he’s been. It’s Interesting that she would tell my friend that - anyway. He saw straight through the Facebook posts and blocked her also - after I told him the truth about her and I.

    I feel bad that I ended things with her because I that she’s hurting.

    I also have a girlfriend and have told her everything. She’s upset and said that if I truly love the other girl that I should go for her. But she won’t let me go if she is still married. She’s also angry that the married woman would leave her kids at home with their dad and that she would want to see me. I feel sorry for her husband. I really do. I’ve chosen to walk away for the sake of her children.

    As you can see this is a really messed up situation and I’ve become very sick over it.

    You may have some questions of me.

    Do I still love her? Yes
    Will I make a move to see her again? No
    Do I want to see her again? Yes
    If she had left her husband of her own accord would I re engage in the future? Yes
    Do I feel bad about the whole situation? Yes. Awfully bad. Broken. Guilty. Ashamed. Sad. Angry. Depressed. Sick to the stomach.

    I also have some questions and would appreciate some guidance on this.

    1. Do you think that she will let me go?
    2. What would she be feeling?
    3. Any suggestions on how to handle it moving forward?

    Thank you.

    Jake.
    Last edited by Jake7778; 01-12-2020 at 05:31 AM.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by Jake7778

    I also have some questions and would appreciate some guidance on this.

    1. Do you think that she will let me go?
    2. What would she be feeling?
    3. Any suggestions on how to handle it moving forward?

    Thank you.

    Jake.
    1. It is not up to her to let you do anything. She has been holding you in her orbit and getting the best of both worlds (emotionally at least) for years. She is a cancer that you need to irradiate and destroy. You do what you need to do and it is not something she has power to stop. You need to knock her off the pedestal and take your power back.

    2. A sense of loss, because she has been having a picnic, and now its ending. This is not your problem. She has been using you for her amusement for years. She'll get over it.

    3. Keep her blocked, ignore any attempts to contact you, get rid of anything that reminds you of her.

    I'm guessing you have told your long suffering GF you have ended this? If she has actually stuck around and put up with this, I suggest you start putting the time and energy you have been wasting on married-user-emotional cheater-woman into making your GF happier.

  3. #3
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    Thank you. Yes I have told my GF that its ended. I told her everything the day I did it. Shes been amazing and Im truly blessed. Shes hurt and Im doing whatever I can to re assure her that its dead.

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    Good. .....

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You have wasted 7 years of your life in this dead end situation. Years that you could have invested in building a healthy relationship with someone who is not married with kids. You describe yourself in a passive light e.g. you ask "Do you think that she will let me go?", yet the truth is that you have been making informed choices all the way. You can stop wasting your time any time you choose.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Your girlfriend is still with you after you told her you were in love with the other woman and having an emotional affair? I smell a rat

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    That poor woman's husband. He seems to be as clueless and naive as you. She knows how to pick men that will deal with her unethical game of having the security of a family and home, with the excitement of a sidepiece.

    People's ethics don't change without an epiphany. If her husband dumped her and she latched onto you as her husband or longterm relationship, she would be scouting out her next sidepiece victim to get back that excitement in her life.

    I hope your conscience has made your ethics change for once and all, but I see they haven't yet, since you left the line of communication open to her on WhatsApp. I suggest breaking up with your girlfriend because she deserves a boyfriend who doesn't love another woman and who knows how to be a mature, smart, decent man.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Question #1 and #2. She'll just engage with one of her other playthings.

    What? You thought you were the only one? Hardly likely.

    Sadly, you've been wasting your love on someone who doesn't deserve it.

    #3. Do you love your girlfriend or is she just a bandaid to make you feel better when the lying cheater isn't giving you attention?

    Yes, I'm being tough. But you have to own that you willingly put yourself into this situation. And dragged your poor girlfriend along for the ride.

  10. #9
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    I think you are both very selfish.

    "I feel sorry for her husband. I really do. I’ve chosen to walk away for the sake of her children." Really?! It's a little late for that! By telling yourself this, does it actually make you feel like a decent person?

    End it with your girlfriend, as she deserves much better than you. Think of her for once.


    Regarding your questions:
    She is MARRIED what does it matter.
    Block her, you make yourself sound helpless if she tries to contact. Block!

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jake7778
    Thank you. Yes I have told my GF that its ended. I told her everything the day I did it. Shes been amazing and Im truly blessed. Shes hurt and Im doing whatever I can to re assure her that its dead.
    Not to sound negative, but in spite of your reassurance that the past is behind you, I'm not convinced it's "dead." I hope I'm wrong, but the questions you're asking (below) are telling a different story, (imo).

    1. Do you think that she will let me go?
    2. What would she be feeling?
    3. Any suggestions on how to handle it moving forward?
    At any rate, I hope you find your way...

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