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Lauralatifa

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I feel so stupid. If you search for my started treads, you will find out i’ve been played for the same person for almost a year now. She breaks up with me and then we get back together.

There is another detail. We live in different states, and somei-me she says its too hard to keep a long distance relationship and thats why she picks fights with me then breakup. The thing... next week i Will go to her state to see her. I thought this could maybe makes things a little less unstable... but she blocked me on everything and now she is saying she wont meet me there. I feel terribly stupid. And extremely disrespected. But i also think there is something wrong with her. Shes really unstable... could it be she is affraid of meeting me? Or she simply doesnt care and just wants to play games?

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You mentioned in a previous thread in Sept that her son was diagnosed with leukemia. If he's ill there are a lot of emotions there for a mother worrying for her child. I think she needs a friend more than anything and you may be mistaking that need for support for something else (romance of some kind). Do you know how her son is doing?

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I feel so stupid. If you search for my started treads, you will find out i’ve been played for the same person for almost a year now. She breaks up with me and then we get back together.

There is another detail. We live in different states, and somei-me she says its too hard to keep a long distance relationship and thats why she picks fights with me then breakup. The thing... next week i Will go to her state to see her. I thought this could maybe makes things a little less unstable... but she blocked me on everything and now she is saying she wont meet me there. I feel terribly stupid. And extremely disrespected. But i also think there is something wrong with her. Shes really unstable... could it be she is affraid of meeting me? Or she simply doesnt care and just wants to play games?

 

I had a quick scan of your previous threads... Can I just confirm, have you ever actually met this person? I sincerely hope this has not been an exclusively online relationship.

 

Aside from that. Look at the statements I highlighted. If somebody behaves like that towards you (and it started before her son's supposed cancer diagnosis), then what does it matter why she is behaving such a way? It is unacceptable. End things cleanly and remove this toxic influence in your life.

 

Seek therapy. Without meaning to be offensive, you seem broken. You should focus on fixing yourself before worrying about relationships period, let alone with somebody who treats you like that.

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She has told you that she doesn't want you to visit and she's ended the relationship so: Regardless of any other reason, that alone is enough for you to just leave her alone. Just because she said she doesn't want to meet you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her. It just means she's finished with the relationship as you should be and as you should accept because it's been a dysfunctional on an off situation.

 

Time for you to stop trying to make this work because it really never has.

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Maybe consider taking your own inventory instead of hers... you are choosing to be “disrespected” by continuing to pursue her.... and you are no more stable than she is given how long you have stayed with her and put up with this chaos.

 

Are you staying with her because you want to feel better than her?

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She has told you that she doesn't want you to visit and she's ended the relationship so: Regardless of any other reason, that alone is enough for you to just leave her alone. Just because she said she doesn't want to meet you doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her. It just means she's finished with the relationship as you should be and as you should accept because it's been a dysfunctional on an off situation.

 

Time for you to stop trying to make this work because it really never has.

Its really more complicated than that... she says those things but after no contact she comes back and say she loves me and was just scared... when i say there is something “off” with her, im wpndering if she is manipulating me for entertainment....

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Maybe consider taking your own inventory instead of hers... you are choosing to be “disrespected” by continuing to pursue her.... and you are no more stable than she is given how long you have stayed with her and put up with this chaos.

 

Are you staying with her because you want to feel better than her?

 

I totally agree with you. But i teel the need to see her face to have closure...

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So... this is kind of awkward and maybe a red flag... but he wasnt with leukemia.... i dont know if she said that because it was a possible diagnose and she was scared or if it was to try to talk to me.... but he is fine now....

 

lol... I knew it. What normal decent mother would ever use something like this to create drama in a relationship.

 

It's not "maybe a red flag". It's a sea of red flags like at the Chinese National Day parade!

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I totally agree with you. But i teel the need to see her face to have closure...

 

That you think "closure" will come from seeing her face to face, given what seeing her face to face (aka "opening") has offered in the past, is also something to take inventory of. It's a bit like a heroin addict saying he needs one more hit of the needle to quit the habit. Alas, doesn't work that way, as the many people overdosing on drugs prove daily.

 

You know this person is bad news for you in a zillion ways. Sucks to have feelings attached to bad news, I know, but it's a thing that happens and not a thing we cure by trying to make bad news good news by clinging onto it. Whenever we feel "manipulated for entertainment" it's just because we're allowing ourselves to feel that way, and so it's really valuable to figure out why we're into being manipulated. That's where the power is, not in analyzing someone else.

 

Minus the most hardened sociopaths, very few people wake up in the morning with a to-do list that reads "buy milk, drop off dry cleaning, manipulate someone for entertainment." That said, humans are inherently manipulative. Think of a child who bats big, pleading eyes while asking for candy because she got a boo-boo on the playground. Some adults fall for it, some don't, and so it's only "manipulative" when it works.

 

This is the same. And, generally speaking, people who can easily manipulate us, for whatever reasons, are people to stay away from. There is real strength in spotting our own weaknesses before another can. I'd say it's time you find that strength rather than thinking she's hiding it in her back pocket. That's just kryptonite, not closure.

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Its really more complicated than that... she says those things but after no contact she comes back and say she loves me and was just scared... when i say there is something “off” with her, im wpndering if she is manipulating me for entertainment....

The thing is, is that YOU take her back when she's shown you over and over again that she is whackadoodle. That's on you, not her. When someone keeps breaking up with you, you don't keep taking them back. You doing that is a sure sign that you are with the wrong person so its really time for you to ask yourself what is missing in you that you would allow her to keep doing this to you.

 

Leave her alone, block and delete her and get her out of your system. It's called cold turkey withdrawl from your addiction to her.

 

If you can't do that, then get the professional help you need that will help you to reflect on your part in this quagmire of dysfunction you've allowed for yourself. This isn't love you're experiencing, it's addiction to her and that's codependent issues you would do well to work on with a therapist.

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lol... I knew it. What normal decent mother would ever use something like this to create drama in a relationship.

 

It's not "maybe a red flag". It's a sea of red flags like at the Chinese National Day parade!

 

 

Oh gosh... but its so hard for me to assume and accept she did that for me to talk to her, because this is really problematic..... so... thats why im really considering she has issues....

 

What do you mean by “i knew it”? Did you consider that by the time i posted her son had leukemia?

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The thing is, is that YOU take her back when she's shown you over and over again that she is whackadoodle. That's on you, not her. When someone keeps breaking up with you, you don't keep taking them back. You doing that is a sure sign that you are with the wrong person so its really time for you to ask yourself what is missing in you that you would allow her to keep doing this to you.

 

Leave her alone, block and delete her and get her out of your system. It's called cold turkey withdrawl from your addiction to her.

 

If you can't do that, then get the professional help you need that will help you to reflect on your part in this quagmire of dysfunction you've allowed for yourself. This isn't love you're experiencing, it's addiction to her and that's codependent issues you would do well to work on with a therapist.

 

I agree. I had tão relationship, both of them had this dynamic... i know i got issues... when i accept being treated like that, im telling to myself im worthless... the thing is,.. i have difficult seeing the dark side of people, because when we are okay, she is great. So there is a piece of my that keeps hoping things will get better. And another piece that tells me my ex werent monsters and probably i did something that triggerd bad parts of them and so they treated like that.

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Oh gosh... but its so hard for me to assume and accept she did that for me to talk to her, because this is really problematic..... so... thats why im really considering she has issues....

 

What do you mean by “i knew it”? Did you consider that by the time i posted her son had leukemia?

 

Well, I said...

 

(and it started before her son's supposed cancer diagnosis)

 

So I was skeptical about the leukemia before you said it was not real.

 

I also asked...

 

have you ever actually met this person? I sincerely hope this has not been an exclusively online relationship.

 

The fact that you did not answer suggests to me that you have never met her. Or if you did, it was not very often at all.

 

Which tells me that this year-long LDR isn't really a relationship at all. Not really. It's just texting with somebody manipulative and attention seeking, who probably just used you for an ego-boost and comfort. Somebody who feeds off the drama she creates because she cannot bear the silence of loneliness.

 

Frankly, at this point, I do not fully regard you as a reliable witness. But given everything you said, I think the truth is that you are both broken people who need a clean break to have any chance of healing and taking positive steps forwards. And you certainly cannot do it together because your "relationship" is completely toxic and dysfunctional.

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That you think "closure" will come from seeing her face to face, given what seeing her face to face (aka "opening") has offered in the past, is also something to take inventory of. It's a bit like a heroin addict saying he needs one more hit of the needle to quit the habit. Alas, doesn't work that way, as the many people overdosing on drugs prove daily.

 

You know this person is bad news for you in a zillion ways. Sucks to have feelings attached to bad news, I know, but it's a thing that happens and not a thing we cure by trying to make bad news good news by clinging onto it. Whenever we feel "manipulated for entertainment" it's just because we're allowing ourselves to feel that way, and so it's really valuable to figure out why we're into being manipulated. That's where the power is, not in analyzing someone else.

 

Minus the most hardened sociopaths, very few people wake up in the morning with a to-do list that reads "buy milk, drop off dry cleaning, manipulate someone for entertainment." That said, humans are inherently manipulative. Think of a child who bats big, pleading eyes while asking for candy because she got a boo-boo on the playground. Some adults fall for it, some don't, and so it's only "manipulative" when it works.

 

This is the same. And, generally speaking, people who can easily manipulate us, for whatever reasons, are people to stay away from. There is real strength in spotting our own weaknesses before another can. I'd say it's time you find that strength rather than thinking she's hiding it in her back pocket. That's just kryptonite, not closure.

 

You have some really insightful points... but... why does she manipulate me? For attention? Pride?

And im scared that if i dont see her, i wont be able to forget about her...

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Well, I said...

 

 

 

So I was skeptical about the leukemia before you said it was not real.

 

I also asked...

 

 

 

The fact that you did not answer suggests to me that you have never met her. Or if you did, it was not very often at all.

 

Which tells me that this year-long LDR isn't really a relationship at all. Not really. It's just texting with somebody manipulative and attention seeking, who probably just used you for an ego-boost and comfort. Somebody who feeds off the drama she creates because she cannot bear the silence of loneliness.

 

Frankly, at this point, I do not fully regard you as a reliable witness. But given everything you said, I think the truth is that you are both broken people who need a clean break to have any chance of healing and taking positive steps forwards. And you certainly cannot do it together because your "relationship" is completely toxic and dysfunctional.

 

 

I only have one objection, im not broken.

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You have some really insightful points... but... why does she manipulate me? For attention? Pride?

And im scared that if i dont see her, i wont be able to forget about her...

 

Does it really matter why?

 

Most people do things because they can. And manipulative people do it because they enjoy it.

 

You keep returning to this situation, so obviously you're getting some enjoyment out of it. Is it because you feel you're worthless and she confirms your belief? Because it's just not true.

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Does it really matter why?

 

Most people do things because they can. And manipulative people do it because they enjoy it.

 

You keep returning to this situation, so obviously you're getting some enjoyment out of it. Is it because you feel you're worthless and she confirms your belief? Because it's just not true.

 

 

According with my therapist, that is exactly why... but when i met this woman, i thought things would be different, my previous ex used to say mean things in the form of jokes...

 

 

 

Now i feel even more wprthelss seing the abiss in my soul that makes me get in this kind of relationship...

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You have some really insightful points... but... why does she manipulate me? For attention? Pride?

And im scared that if i dont see her, i wont be able to forget about her...

 

You're missing my point. The question to ask is not why she is manipulate but why are you so eager to be manipulated.

 

You are the one who wants to view it like that, after all, since there are a lot of other labels for what you're describing. Sample subs: immature, unstable, boring, basic, not interesting, not what you want. If you want to deem it interesting—well, that's kind of a choice at a certain point. And it's a choice your making.

 

You seem adamant to say you're not broken, but let's look at some facts. You know someone is awful for you, yet you think "seeing" her is the way to "forget" her. You ostensibly want what all humans want—a loving connection—and yet you're spending all your emotional currency on a connection that barely exists and is not loving.

 

What's up with that? I'd say those are a few tiny broken pieces inside of you getting the best of you. We've all got them. Key is to see them, and repair them, so you're not prone handing the reins of your spirit to wild horses in hopes they'll soften the edges of those broken pieces.

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According with my therapist, that is exactly why... but when i met this woman, i thought things would be different, my previous ex used to say mean things in the form of jokes...

 

 

 

Now i feel even more wprthelss seing the abiss in my soul that makes me get in this kind of relationship...

 

You don't have an abyss in your soul. You're attracted to a manipulative woman and you want to keep going back for more mistreatment. That doesn't have anything to do with your soul but everything to do with your sense of self worth.

 

What does your therapist say about your continuing desire to attach yourself to this woman?

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I only have one objection, im not broken.

 

Ok you still have not addressed my question directly.

 

I am now convinced that you have never met this woman. She just used you for attention whilst stringing you along in a make-believe relationship, and broke up with you whenever you tried to meet her. She even used leukemia as an excuse to justify her behaviour whilst keeping you on the hook, without giving anything in return.

 

The fact that you do not want to admit that you never met her actually indicates to me that you know it means everything you hold dear about this relationship is a fantasy. But the reality is too painful, so you do not want it spelt out.

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