Jump to content

Leaving after 14 years......


Tezbear

Recommended Posts

So, I am a 35 year old guy, married for just under 12 years (been with her for 14 years) and I have 2 children aged 10 and 6 and a dog.

 

In truth, for at least the last 7 years, the marriage has been a sham. There hasn’t been any real love for years, yes I have sex (very occasionally) and we hug and kiss (also very occasionally) but otherwise it has become a massive marriage of convenience.

 

My wife would never leave me (I honestly wish she would) from a purely selfish point of view. But I have been suffering with real resentment and mental struggles for the last 2 years or so. I have always said I wouldn’t leave my kids etc...... but I am now at a place where I have to think of myself, and my own happiness. I deserve to be happy don’t I.

 

I have decided I have to leave my wife, and I know it will be the hardest thing in the world, because she won’t believe it until I’ve walked out the door and been gone for a few days. She is very dependent on that fact that I pay all the bills, food shops, etc..... I will leave her all the money that comes in, she can even keep my car, house, possessions etc.... and I will of course always, always support my kids and be there for them.

 

But she will have to get used to the fact that she will have to learn how to pay bills, do food shops etc..... I know, it’s going to be horrible for her. But I am mentally at breaking point.

 

14 years I have given her, 7 of which have been 90% pure miserable, filled with arguing, bullying, nastiness (on both sides)

 

I’m not perfect, and I don’t claim to be, and this decision will rip the family unit apart, but what is the other option, coping for another year or so and commiting suicide when I can’t take it anymore.

 

I guess I am using this as a sort of diary / blog, I have decided the separation will happen sometime between 15 jan and 5 feb, there is never a right time, never. But I want to give my kids 1 last ‘normal’ family Christmas and new year.

 

Can I get your honest opinions and welcome any questions.

 

Thank you

Link to comment
  • Replies 54
  • Created
  • Last Reply

It sounds like you are angry and volatile. Never make any moves until you settle down a little and clear your head. It's not worth it and you may misjudge the situation, undercut yourself (the giving away things is a bit over the top and not realistic) or cause more issues and regret for your future self later on.

 

Slow down and look into individual counselling if you are set on leaving. You sound like you're also in a lot of pain and carrying some guilt for thinking about separating. Ie. "rip the family unit apart" What you're actually doing is choosing a better future for yourself and your children and hopefully becoming a better father and individual in the process.

 

Dial it back a little and process your emotions. Speak with a lawyer and I'd speak to someone who can help you deal with the stress and the guilt of separation if that's what you're feeling.

 

If you are looking for a journalling outlet, there's a separate section of the forum for that. Feel free to look around and open one up. There are different kinds for different privacy levels.

Link to comment

Is there someone else you're interested in? Your first stop should be with an attorney to discuss your options and the best approach to this. "Just walking out of the house to be happy", sounds like an unwise strategy that will cost you, including the possibility of seeing your kids if you plan on abandonment. Being in a mutually-abusive marriage is a bad choice for your kids.

 

You'll have to "continue paying the bills" until the house is sold add to that child support. It's up to the courts who gets what and when you can see your kids and what child support will cost you. See an attorney. Then a therapist. Not to stay in the marriage, but to support you through your decisions.

I am a 35 year old guy, married for just under 12 years have 2 children aged 10 and 6 and a dog.

 

I have decided I have to leave my wife, and I know it will be the hardest thing in the world, because she won’t believe it until I’ve walked out the door and been gone for a few days. She is very dependent on that fact that I pay all the bills, food shops, etc..... I will leave her all the money that comes in, she can even keep my car, house, possessions etc.

Link to comment

Thanks for replies all. We have had some almighty bust ups to the point I’ve almost gone before, but then she starts the tears, begging, pleading, refusing to let me pack etc...... and it does not happen.

 

The guilt and pain I feel are because she is quite a emotionally weak person, so I know it will crush her, but, I need this for me, I know, deep down, I will be a better person for it, and a better father.

 

I have been like a volcano bubbling for the last 7 years.

 

I’ve suggested counselling etc.... but she won’t have it, never.

Link to comment

I should add I’m in the UK -

And I don’t think it would ever get as far as courts etc...... I can’t see her stopping me ever seing the children. The practicalities are, she needs the most as she will be full time looking after 2 kids and the house, which is secure rental, so she can stay. I’ll have to worry about my own future like affording to rent a place/room myself, food etc.......

Link to comment
Thanks for replies all. We have had some almighty bust ups to the point I’ve almost gone before, but then she starts the tears, begging, pleading, refusing to let me pack etc...... and it does not happen.

 

The guilt and pain I feel are because she is quite a emotionally weak person, so I know it will crush her, but, I need this for me, I know, deep down, I will be a better person for it, and a better father.

 

I have been like a volcano bubbling for the last 7 years.

 

I’ve suggested counselling etc.... but she won’t have it, never.

 

But what about sitting her down (NOT during a "bust up") but when you are calm, after the kids are in bed.

 

You have done this...correct?

Link to comment

Yes have tried that too, but she won’t admit that anything is wrong, she sees it as normal to feel like that when you have a wife and kids. I’m not going to play the blame game, there are 2 sides to every story. But a list of things are.

 

I never go out, ever, with mates or anything, on the rare occasion I do (maybe once a year) she makes me feel so guilty about it and orders me not to drink.

 

If I have 1 beer, 2 nights in a row, at home, that means I have a drink problem and am a alcoholic to her.

 

I am in the wrong about everything, all the time, now, I am a person that will fully admit when I am wrong, call myself a , apologise and move on, the mrs in the other hand has never admitted once, ever, she is wrong about anything. Even trivial things.

 

Now I’ve given her everything she has ever wanted, both material things or not.

 

I’m just exhausted of being in this

Miserable unhappy marriage for years and years.

Link to comment

I’ve always been a bit old fashioned in the sense that I’ve made my bed, I have to lie in it. And I have a responsibility and duty to stay for my kids.

 

But as a friend said the other day, everyone had a breaking point, and you are nearing yours, what happens then. And that you only live once, one shot at life, don’t waste it by thinking your being noble or doing the right thing at the expense of your own happiness. And I have to say I agree.

Link to comment

When I finally left my own bad marriage I walked out the door with nothing but my clothes. Not a fork or even a towel, lol. Similar situation, the ex wife was a stay at home mom and completely dependent on me financially....I had come to a point in my life where “stuff” was of absolutely no value to me so I just gave it all to her.

 

I struggled BIG-TIME for a year but held fast to my principles and never missed a child or spousal support payment. Never flaked on my visits with the kids. Divorce is the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever experienced...

 

That said, I’m now almost seven years out and my life is full, and rich and incredibly satisfying. I ended up with full custody of the kids and working a job that provides everything we need. My ex, who was the stereotypical “woman spurned” when I left, has put her life together in a very respectable and honorable way; she is fully self supporting and happier than I’ve ever known her to be. We get along GREAT and do family dinners and occasional outings together with the kids.

 

I don’t give advice but the things that helped me the most once my mind was made up to leave were:

-Therapy

-Regular, vigorous exercise

-Holding fast to honesty, kindness and fulfilling my paternal responsibilities without exception.

 

Leaving a marriage/relationship as long as yours isn’t something people do lightly and make no mistake about it...it’s difficult. But I share my experience to possibly give you a glimmer of hope that things can get better!

Link to comment

In my heart I’d love for her to meet someone else pretty quickly and move on, even if it is a rebound thing for her, but I know she will just sink in to the stages and stay in each one for ages, by stages I mean acceptance, blame, anger, guilt etc..... when she does this, how will this affect my kids, as I won’t be there to tell.

 

I have been advised to plan everything as much as I can, like paying a few of the bills off for 2-3 months ahead, packing bits and bobs and moving them out when I can (she wouldn’t notice)

Taking the kids out for a meal and telling them first / then she can’t use them against me when she is going hysterical etc....

 

I know it’s going to be the hardest thing in the world, for her, sad thing is, I am actually getting some relief and feel like a weight is being lifted, like I can see a light at the end of s dark tunnel, by planning the leaving. Is that bad.

Link to comment

Why doesn't she financially support the household? The kids are old enough.

 

With the guilt tripping and control, and the laziness, it's no wonder you're tired. I would leave her half the house and that's it. You earned the rest didn't you.

 

Get custody of the kids, your wife probably won't be able to handle anything.

Link to comment
In my heart I’d love for her to meet someone else pretty quickly and move on, even if it is a rebound thing for her, but I know she will just sink in to the stages and stay in each one for ages, by stages I mean acceptance, blame, anger, guilt etc..... when she does this, how will this affect my kids, as I won’t be there to tell.

 

I have been advised to plan everything as much as I can, like paying a few of the bills off for 2-3 months ahead, packing bits and bobs and moving them out when I can (she wouldn’t notice)

Taking the kids out for a meal and telling them first / then she can’t use them against me when she is going hysterical etc....

 

I know it’s going to be the hardest thing in the world, for her, sad thing is, I am actually getting some relief and feel like a weight is being lifted, like I can see a light at the end of s dark tunnel, by planning the leaving. Is that bad.

 

She's been making you feel miserable and stifled. And she's stopped being an equal a long time ago when she started relying on you for everything.

 

You're not doing anything wrong.

Link to comment

Bit harsh honeycomb. As I said, 2 sides to every story, she did have a very low paid job 10+ years ago, and when kid 1 then kid 2 came along we didn’t have any childcare and it didn’t make financial sense for her to work, also both kids have ASD, so it’s not easy for anyone.

 

But on the flip side, yes, I work all day, come home and often cook, do housework, washing etc..... and I know full well she has been watching tv for hours on end.

 

I don’t hate her, she is the mother of my kids, but I don’t love her anymore, and havnt for quite some years.

 

Me leaving is decided, it’s just how I do it and actually doing it.

Link to comment

I would do some research on telling the kids before you say anything to her...

 

It’s one thing if she attempts to make you look bad, use them against you, etc. You're a grownup and you can navigate...but back when I went through this the expert advice in the books I read was to present a united front to the kids and tell them together... Apparently children tend to feel less confused and disturbed when parents break the news together. Also, do you think there’s a chance your wife will feel resentful that she wasn’t included in how it’s handled with the children if you do it before she even knows herself?

 

Of course only you know what’s best for your family but I’d look into the current prevailing thoughts in this before you go and do anything unilaterally.

Link to comment
When I finally left my own bad marriage I walked out the door with nothing but my clothes. Not a fork or even a towel, lol. Similar situation, the ex wife was a stay at home mom and completely dependent on me financially....I had come to a point in my life where “stuff” was of absolutely no value to me so I just gave it all to her.

 

I struggled BIG-TIME for a year but held fast to my principles and never missed a child or spousal support payment. Never flaked on my visits with the kids. Divorce is the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever experienced...

 

That said, I’m now almost seven years out and my life is full, and rich and incredibly satisfying. I ended up with full custody of the kids and working a job that provides everything we need. My ex, who was the stereotypical “woman spurned” when I left, has put her life together in a very respectable and honorable way; she is fully self supporting and happier than I’ve ever known her to be. We get along GREAT and do family dinners and occasional outings together with the kids.

 

I don’t give advice but the things that helped me the most once my mind was made up to leave were:

-Therapy

-Regular, vigorous exercise

-Holding fast to honesty, kindness and fulfilling my paternal responsibilities without exception.

 

Leaving a marriage/relationship as long as yours isn’t something people do lightly and make no mistake about it...it’s difficult. But I share my experience to possibly give you a glimmer of hope that things can get better!

 

This is a great outcome that seems to have come from a lot of hard work and approaching it in a selfless, responsible and empathetic way.

 

OP this would be great advice for you to follow in the long run.

Link to comment

Divorced after an 18 year marriage here, with two kids. It's all in the rear view window now.

 

Imaging or fantasizing about what it might be like to leave is entirely different than the reality. I am just saying this so you are forewarned. Do not understate it.

 

I remember the hate and resentment and though I didn't miss him for a flat minute, the divorce of my choice was grueling and life altering. My sincere wish is that we could have come together for the sake of the kids and the family, but that didn't happen for us.

 

I chose divorce only after I put myself into to counseling. Much like your significant other, mine resisted going. After I had been going for a few months on my own, he agreed. I continued with my individual therapy and we together went to marriage counseling. I got a lot out of therapy, my ex just wanted to assign blame instead of working together.

 

What that gave me was peace of mind. Even though I was devastated with the ending of our marriage, I will never look back with any second thoughts. I go to sleep every night with a clear conscience that I did everything possible thing in my power to save the marriage. My sons deserved that. There is no looking back for me. That to me is invaluable.

 

I stayed in therapy through my divorce and some time after. It helped me navigate the changes and the emotions. It helped me parent and support my sons as we transitioned into separate households with separate parenting styles.

 

Get yourself into therapy. Don't have any regrets. Besides, you might be surprised.

Link to comment

Again great advice all, especially re the kids, but she will likely ask them to beg, cry and plead wit me to stay, rather than be united and accepting of the decision, even if she finds out a good few hours before.

 

I don’t dream or fantasise it will be easy, for me at all, as in I’ll probably only be able to afford to rent a room at a lodgings, rather than get my own place, or, if worst comes to worst, I’ll be sleeping in my vehicle, which isn’t a nice thought.

 

But there is never s right time, I’ve decided the dates I have quite methodically as being the best available time, even though there is never s right time lol

Link to comment

Not harsh when your wife is not contributing at all to the household. Since you work all day the least she could do is cook and clean. How does she spend her days? Just browsing the net and watching soap operas?

 

Both people should be a team. You're taking of every role and she's just there doing nothing.

 

Yes she's somewhat taking care of the kids, but she could have done so much more. Most people do.

Link to comment

No I don’t fully disagree at all, far from it. She does do a fair amount with the kids, especially between 6.30am and the morning school run, but that’s only because I refuse to get up before 7.30am due to often working late etc....... me staying in bed until 7.30am has caused untold arguments I can tell you.

 

I’d be a lot more content leaving, or feel less concerned about it if I thought she would cope, and I hope she finds a way to, but I have serious doubts that she will.

 

I don’t have any remorse as such about the decision to end the marriage, it’s more leaving the kids and the dog. That will take some getting used to, for me, as well as them obviously.

Link to comment

It’s a difficult one because the answer is yes and no, have I had an affair, no, could I have, yes, is there a potential to be with someone after I leave my wife, possibly, but it wouldn’t be a rushed thing, it would be like starting again, dating, slowly etc.....

Link to comment

But let’s be clear, this is not a rushed decision based on wanting to be with someone else, this is a decision after 7 years of what I can only describe as imprisonment. I’m at the point now where I need to do this, for me.

 

As a friend told me, you only live once, 1 shot at it, don’t have regrets in decisions you have a choice to change/make.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...