Leaving after 14 years......

[Rose Mosse]

Who is this friend whispering ideas into your head about YOLO? Is this a lady friend?

 

You've got some good thoughts and a lot of heartfelt sharing in this thread from experience and others. Hope you find peace.

[Tezbear]

No it’s a male friend who has seen my mental state, mood, look, life change over a number of years.

 

And I am leaving her, that’s the point of this thread.

[ninjabib]

To be honest you are clearly miserable and no one deserves to feel like a prisoner in a marriage.

 

 

You tried to sit her down and she refuses to acknowledge the problems so I'd leave on civil terms.

 

Your children will already have picked up on the situation between you.

 

You can be a better pair of parents happily separated then miserable together.

 

Come to a fair financial settlement and arrangenrbts for the children. There's no need to hand her everything. She has to support herself at some point. She's a grown adult.

 

You sound like a fair and decent man so don't cheat on her just end it as gently as you can and don't give false hope for the future that doesn't exist in a nice way as possible.

[Tezbear]

Again - great advice.

 

The ultra frustrating thing from my perspective is, she has friends, and relatives who have split up, and she will talk about it like it’s fine she understands why they have split up. I have even used these people in reference to conversation when mentioning why can’t, won’t you let us split up, x y and z have, and there lives are carrying on. I can only assume she thinks I’m joking. But deep down I know she can’t be happy too, surely.

 

If I stayed it’s all false, ok we would be more financially secure, less hassle and heartache, but everything, every hug, every kiss, every holiday, every day out, every present is just false.

 

I’m not a false person, of course I didn’t set out to hurt anyone, and the possible thought of hurting my kids is horrible.

 

I know, for example the 2nd child and dog were as a result of her trapping me, of course I don’t regret having the child, or the dog, but it would have been a lot easier to have left after 7 years with 1 child than it is now with 2 kids and a dog.

 

But I’m 35 there is so much from life I still want to do, and I know non of it will happen all the while I stay like this.

 

The resentment will turn to hatred, and I don’t want to hate anyone. I fear snapping, then what, who knows what might happen.

 

Mentally I have made my decision, that I am at peace with. But I know physically doing it will be a whole different ballgame.

[ninjabib]

She's probably frightened of having to fend for herself on top of the emotional upheavel.

 

 

That's not say she can't fend for herself she clearly can but hasn't had to for such a long time. Again though, no reason to remain. You both deserve to be happy. You staying doesn't make that happen. Just the opposite.

[SherrySher]

First of all...you leaving her is not all of a sudden going to give you a huge freedom to which you can carouse and act spontaneously with no cares in the world.

 

In fact, for your children, it's about to get much harder.

 

The breaking up of a family is one of the most stressful things a child can go through.

Your job as the parent, is to be there for them 24/7. Even if you live elsewhere, you are available to them to help them through this tremendously difficult transition.

Adding any woman to the mix would be incredibly irresponsible and foolish.

 

Your children come first and dating shouldn't even be a thought. To be fair to your children, you should give it at the very least, a year before any woman is even thought of.

It's also a matter of respect to the ending of your marriage.

 

You will now become a single father, and that in itself won't be easy. You will be juggling working fulltime and having your children to look after 50% of the time.

Even when they are with their mother, you should still be available to them and be at least talking to them on a daily basis.

You will be setting up a home for them and a place for them to feel safe.

 

It is not YOUR time until they are both 18.

Right now it's THEIR time and you should be focusing on being a father 24/7.

 

As for your "friend" who said only living once, that person has obviously never had a divorce, or had to break someones heart and watch their children in tears.

I am not trying to give you any guilt, but the reality of a divorce is much more harsh than what your "friend" is even realizing.

It is going to be incredibly stressful.

[SherrySher]

Children cope very badly with divorces.

 

They experience it as a trauma. They might not eat right, sleep right or even could have nightmares for months on end once they are told of this divorce.

It will change them.

 

Again, I am not saying this to guilt you into staying, but you need to be ready for all this entails and listening to some ignorant friend who has no idea what is about to happen to all involved, is not reality.

He can say things like that all he wants..but you will be the one trying to help your children stop crying and to stop being frightened and upset for a long time to come.

 

I don't agree with parents staying together for the sake of the children, but at the same time, you also need to be more realistic as to what to expect.

[Tezbear]

I appreciate your input, but I will ask, have you read my every post, as I feel you have somewhat cherry picked the fault bits, eg about dating.

 

I’m not, but people do leave because of affairs, what’s your opinion on that.

 

The reason I ask if you’ve read my every post is, what is your overall advice to me, reading what I have said about the last 7 years of feeling like this.

 

I will say again, I don’t imagine it will be palm trees, cocktails and women, I know it will be total devastation, for all concerned.

[SherrySher]

I have read your posts..all of them.

 

I just hope you are ready for everything that will come out of this decision.

 

Your wife will find ways to cope, she is an adult. I am solely focusing on your children.

[Tezbear]

Tbf I think my children will cope better than my wife, that’s the gods honest truth, and knowing my children.

 

That said, even if they don’t, is it fair to expect me to live, be, feel like this for another 12 years, until my youngest is 18.

 

I feel we can we much better parents as 2 singles working together, eventually, when the dust settles, than we are as we are now.

[SherrySher]

I, once again, did not say anything about remaining in the marriage.

 

But I think many single parents would agree with me that it can and will be much harder than how it is right now living as one family unit versus being a single parent.

 

It's good to have confidence in your children, but 10 and 6 is still very young. There is no doubt that it will be very hard on them.

[ninjabib]

As a child I lived in the environment you are living in and let me tell you every single day of my childhood I prayed that my mom and dad would separate.

 

It has ruined for me life the constant abuse and trauma and their cowardice in refusing to go their own ways instead of taking it out on me is something I can never forgive them for.

 

Staying together for the kids is the worst thing parents can do.

 

Clearly neither you or your wife are abusive to them and perhaps for now you are hiding your emotions well. The day will come when that will change.

 

 

My personal experience only of course.

[Leah33]

It sounds as though you have contemplated separation for quite some time.

 

I’m not sure if you’ve already voiced your concerns with your wife prior to this, that you were/have been considering a separation. If not, then yes, it will come as a complete shock to her.

 

For the children, the shock will be felt even harder. Those of us that come from divorced parents can certainly attest to that.

 

Feelings of guilt are to be expected but that in and of itself is no reason to remain in a loveless marriage.

 

When you do eventually separate (i.e. move out), you’re still in a “separation period”, so try to give yourself time to adjust to it.

 

I remember my father got his ear pierced and purchased a Porsche following his separation. We barely saw him. He was more focused on, well, you know... (🍌toot toot🍌).

[Wiseman2]

Don't drag your kids into this. It's cowardly to make them the bearers of bad news because of your kill-the-messenger fears. You really need a professional (whatever they use in your jurisdiction) to navigate this.

 

You are attempting to slither out the back door unscathed, but the way you're going about it will most likely cause maximum damage to your kids and ultimately yourself. You seem to be daydreaming in a passive type of way and have no realistic exit plan.

 

It seems more like a plot hatched by a kid who wants to run away from home than a grown married man with children who needs to get divorced and deal with the realities and legalities of that.

the kids, but she will likely ask them to beg, cry and plead wit me to stay I’ll probably only be able to afford to rent a room at a lodgings, rather than get my own place, or, if worst comes to worst, I’ll be sleeping in my vehicle.

[Tezbear]

I swear some people only cherry pick a message or 2 to read and reply.

 

I’m certainly not attempting to slither anywhere, or daydream. As for the exit plan, ok fine, I havnt got it figured out yet. As said numerous times, there is never a right time financially, emotionally or easily.

 

I could keep on procrastinating forever, when the kids are 14 and 10, when the kids are 22 and 18, when the dog dies in 10-12 years. When all our debts are wiped clean in 15 years. Hope that she leaves before then or has an affair, I turn violent to get her to leave me. Do you see, there is never a right time or easy time, in any aspect.

 

I do know it will cause devistation, but as long as I do everything I can to ensure the wife and kids are financially ok, supported, looked after and don’t just run off in to the sunset.

 

I knew and never said this would be easy, there is a real lack of online forums for UK specific dads that are leaving, because most of the time it’s the woman who leaves.

[Wiseman2]

You need to speak to an attorney, solicitor or whoever can advise you appropriately. That is specific to your situation. They deal with dissolution of marriages all the time, no matter who initiates. That will give you the advice you need for a cohesive exit plan that is least damaging for all involved.

 

You will also get more factual information on the division of assets, debt, etc. Thinking of telling your kids first or living in your car but not getting appropriate advice is procrastinating. Keep in mind wishing and hoping she leaves you is another form of procrastinating and doing nothing to improve your situation. If you are thinking of resorting to violence to "get her to leave" perhaps you can live in jail rather than your car?

there is a real lack of online forums for UK specific dads that are leaving

[Tezbear]

Obviously I wouldn’t ever resort to violence, it was just another example.

 

I will seek professional advice, thank you.

[bluecastle]

Been following this thread. Sorry about all the emotional turmoil—seems clear as day you're making the right call.

 

That said, per the above posts, I think how you make this call, and how you frame it, particularly to yourself, is going to be more important than you can imagine. This is where a professional can be a godsend, kind of like getting a professional cleaner into the house before you sell it. Emotions need to be sorted, in short, so you're not reacting to the most potent of them but instead executing a plan under hard circumstances.

 

What concerns me, reading through this, is that there seems to be a deep-seeded belief, combined with a feral giddiness, that ending this is just going to be an extension of the marriage: pain, misery, dysfunction—a bomb going off, leaving everything destroyed. Keep that as the dominant mindset and you'll do your part in ensuring that outcome, and ensuring that your children view it all as such. Work toward a different mindset—that sometimes bombs need to be detonated to rebuild something more functional—and you start creating a different story, the first step toward realizing it.

 

What does your life look like in a year, in five? You need to see that, rather than just these nebulous images of you embracing the one life you live while also maybe sleeping in your car while your wife withers and badmouths you to the children. You need to see what family looks like, in this new form, rather than thinking of this as "breaking" a family. Will your wife come to share that story? Will your kids? Those questions are unanswerable, and will flicker in and our of focus for years, but you need the answer and you need to be stepping toward it, every day, for years, with intention and belief. That's the keel here, and the compass, so essential because things are about to get seriously rough.

 

Personally, I hate the phrase "broken home." It's a cheap thing adults say out of fear, judgement, self-absorption, and self-pity. Kids who feel they come from "broken homes" often feel that way because it's how the adults around them framed their own choices. They metabolize the narrative of trauma fed to them by their traumatized guides.

 

But divorce does not have to equal that, at all. It wasn't for me, when my parents split, and a lot of that was because my mother (who left my father) had a clear plan and took steps—for years—to keep realizing that plan, regardless of whatever choices my father made. It was an awesome model to grow up around, to say nothing of a warm and loving home that was often a refuge for my friends who lived in "non-broken" homes stitched together by miserable marriages. I learned that selflessness and self-empowerment can go hand in hand, and the hardest realities of life can be confronted with grace, fortitude, and boundless love. I'm grateful, not traumatized, and had I had the language I would have said that at age 10.

 

You say you'd never resort to violence or suicide, and I believe that, but the fact that you're mentioning those things shows just how volatile your emotions are right now. The adult thing to do is recognize that volatility as unproductive, and treat it, so you don't even have the option of indulging that mindset as the waves get choppy.

[Tezbear]

Thank you bluecastle, I appreciate the detailed, well thought out response 🙂

[tokopi]

Some Thoughts from a lurker here for some time....( 2years)

 

1. Reflect to yourself the fact, that 14 yrs have passed and you re unable to communicate effectively with your wife.

2. Everybody is disobedient, learn to live with it. Everybody is because they owe it to their self. The same goes with me. I dont do what i am told, unless i choose to.

3. Your wife doesn't do what she hears from your mouth. There is a reason for that. You have no idea what is. Everybody makes sense all the time. You r just unaware.

4. All the guilt trip she enacts etc protests to the fact that you can not listen to her. See her reality.

5. It is natural for the resentment to build up. She envies the financial you have build for yourself, while she stayed inside for your children. You lost the feeling because she is passive. And she is passive because the deal you have all those years is unfair for her. She is passive because thats is the only weapon she has. She is gonna make you suffer until you love her.

 

 

If you need 7 yrs to realize that there is no love in your life, you can asssume you r gonna need a lot to understand what is love.

 

Life is always easier when there is someone around to blame. You even wish for her to have a rebound to cope with the inevitable divorce. It is not for her dude. It is for you to feel less guilt.

 

For a candle to fire, there has to be a breathing room. You have sucked it for years. You drained the life of her. NOW she is passive. She lost hope. She justs survives. Hibernation.

 

Those are more reliable reaasons for the Divorce. You reap what you sow. You r a narcissist .The fact that you recognize its going to be hard for her, is not empathy.

 

You critize her. You do not respect her. The Gun is already loaded. You seek validation for your choice.

 

Be kind to yourslelf.

 

The world is only what someone can project to it, by making choices that would make a difference.

Thats what it means for someone, the phrase " making a better world". It doesnt mean that in fact becomes better. Just the perspective tha he has.

 

 

If the divorce is something for you, that attest to the above, then go for it.

 

Personally, i dont buy it. Because you critize her. You dont need that when the first applies.

 

I hope the best for you, your wife and your children foremost.

[tokopi]

Some Thoughts from a lurker here for some time....( 2years)

 

1. Reflect to yourself the fact, that 14 yrs have passed and you re unable to communicate effectively with your wife.

2. Everybody is disobedient, learn to live with it. Everybody is because they owe it to their self. The same goes with me. I dont do what i am told, unless i choose to.

3. Your wife doesn't do what she hears from your mouth. There is a reason for that. You have no idea what is. Everybody makes sense all the time. You r just unaware.

4. All the guilt trip she enacts etc protests to the fact that you can not listen to her. See her reality.

5. It is natural for the resentment to build up. She envies the financial you have build for yourself, while she stayed inside for your children. You lost the feeling because she is passive. And she is passive because the deal you have all those years is unfair for her. She is passive because thats is the only weapon she has. She is gonna make you suffer until you love her.

 

 

If you need 7 yrs to realize that there is no love in your life, you can asssume you r gonna need a lot to understand what is love.

 

Life is always easier when there is someone around to blame. You even wish for her to have a rebound to cope with the inevitable divorce. It is not for her dude. It is for you to feel less guilt.

 

For a candle to fire, there has to be a breathing room. You have sucked it for years. You drained the life of her. NOW she is passive. She lost hope. She justs survives. Hibernation.

 

Those are more reliable reaasons for the Divorce. You reap what you sow. You r a narcissist .The fact that you recognize its going to be hard for her, is not empathy.

 

You critize her. You do not respect her. The Gun is already loaded. You seek validation for your choice.

 

Be kind to yourslelf.

 

The world is only what someone can project to it, by making choices that would make a difference.

Thats what it means for someone, the phrase " making a better world". It doesnt mean that in fact becomes better. Just the perspective tha he has.

 

 

If the divorce is something for you, that attest to the above, then go for it.

 

Personally, i dont buy it. Because you critize her. You dont need that when the first applies.

 

I hope the best for you, your wife and your children foremost.

 

 

edit: that is my opinion only, you choose the value in it.

[Tezbear]

I must say the narcissist comment is funny, you obv don’t know me at all.

 

As for i criticise her, well, that’s my opinion, and my side of the story. And I stopped at 3-4 points, I could have said 10-15 points easily, as I am sure she could, maybe, about me. I never said I was perfect.

 

As for I’ve drained the life off her, seriously, I’ve never said she can’t work, go out, socialise or anything, ever. Quite the opposite (baring me working)

 

How define empathy for me, in your words.

 

I am a realist, neither a pessimist or optimist. My glass is as full as I or someone else decides to fill it.

 

With her for 14 years and the first 6-7 years obviously there was love, but the following 7 years, not.

 

I accept that if I leave I might die a very lonely old bitter man, do you think I want that, of course I don’t. Everything I say, even negative towards her, is thought out to be generous in her favour. I honestly don’t think she loves me deep down, I think she loves the security, money, stability and safeness of it all, but that’s no basis to build a happy life, is it.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds more like you're terrified of leaving and think her reaction to that news is the reason. What if, like you, she secretly hopes you disappear? Certainly she can sense your resentment, contempt and withdrawal? Unfortunately for all this time, 7 years, you've done nothing to either improve the marriage or dissolve it.

 

Marriage therapy, not to stay married, but to have a neutral place to air things could be the first step. For example does she know you resent her being a stay at home mother? Or resent her for providing financial support? That way when you proceed to divorce half the emotional work is done and rather than continuing to live a lie and a sham, you both know where each other stands. Keep in mind she may be dying to get rid of you as well.

I accept that if I leave I might die a very lonely old bitter man, do you think I want that, of course I don’t. I honestly don’t think she loves me deep down.

[Tezbear]

Let’s be straight here - I do not, one bit resent her for not working or helping provide in a financial sense. She is a full time mum to 2 disabled kids. No easy task.

 

I have asked her before to let me leave, I have asked her if she wants to split up, I’ve asked her if this or that can happen and the answer is always no, why, I think she is fearful of going alone, as that’s how she would see it. She wouldn’t see the bigger picture that we can still be great parents, or that bills would still be paid etc..... I believe she is terrified of losing her direct support network.

 

It’s a right mess of a situation, but there is simply no love anymore, from both sides I believe. Don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified of leaving in that the costs of it, not being with my kids every night, losing friends and potentially having my name dragged through the mud, when all I have honestly ever tried to do is love, support, provide etc....

 

I’m not perfect but I’ve never had an affair I’ve just let myself become miserable for years and years for the sake of the kids, but that’s not right either.

[SherrySher]

Tes, just make an appointment with an attorney and tell her you want a divorce.