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Connecting after extreme fights


ark87

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Me and my girlfriend have had a really rough last couple of years. We’ve been at each other’s throats figuratively and literally. We both communicated very different and I had some pretty bad anxiety that caused me to be an avoidant when she had questions.

 

We both see physical touch differently. For me it comfort, for her it’s aggression. I would try to be calming, but I’m a big strong guy and my touch came off more aggressive than it was in my head. This would cause a trigger and things normally escalate. I’ve shoved and pinned her either to try and calm her or out of self defense.

 

Thankfully our communication has improved, but the lingering effects of how it got physical for any reason are keeping her from wanting to move forward. She doesn’t know how we can go back to how we were before this happened, and without that she won’t.

 

I’m hoping to get some advice on what we can talk about the past to make it not seem like this is just who were were and that we can recapture that love prior to the extreme fighting.

Thank you for any help.

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We both see physical touch differently. For me it comfort, for her it’s aggression. I would try to be calming, but I’m a big strong guy and my touch came off more aggressive than it was in my head. This would cause a trigger and things normally escalate. I’ve shoved and pinned her either to try and calm her or out of self defense.

 

Can you elaborate on what happened here?

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I’m a touchy person naturally so when I talk I’d try to hold her hand or thouch her shoulder. She didnt see it as comfort so she’d push me away and in my panic I’d try to hug and hold her and tell her to calm down. But the touching always made it worse. I’ve never hit her tried to be aggressive it’s just my comfort when anxiety hits. She would just flip out on me and start being REALLY aggressive and then I felt I had to stop we from

Escalating so I’d try to hold her really tight. Or get on top of her. I know this doesnt work and she does too, but she’s worried that this caused some long lasting damage.

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I’m a touchy person naturally so when I talk I’d try to hold her hand or thouch her shoulder. She didnt see it as comfort so she’d push me away and in my panic I’d try to hug and hold her and tell her to calm down. But the touching always made it worse. I’ve never hit her tried to be aggressive it’s just my comfort when anxiety hits. She would just flip out on me and start being REALLY aggressive and then I felt I had to stop we from

Escalating so I’d try to hold her really tight. Or get on top of her. I know this doesnt work and she does too, but she’s worried that this caused some long lasting damage.

What do you consider shoving and restraining? What is this "touchy" crap?

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We have and know that we see physical touch differently. I’m not an angry or aggressive person my intention was to calm the situation because if the rolls were reversed I’d want to be hugged and touched if I was upset, she just does t work that way. So when I’d touch out of comfort shed lash out at me and then I felt I was the one in danger. It was just horrible communication, we both understand that, but want to know how to move forward in this.

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I see how I worded this and it’s not what you think. I’m not the best at communicating situations in relationships or online to others obviously. I would literally just try and hug her when she was angry but because I don’t know my own strength, it comes off way more aggressive than what’s going on. I NEVER have hit or been truly aggressive. Even when I’m the most mad I’m pleading for the fight to stop add I try to hold her hands or hug her and it triggers her and that’s when she acts aggressively towards me. Hope that explains a little better. Thanks for reading these rants.

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Long story short our fights are because I talked about my past too much, bringing it up at the worst times and was really bad at making it better by explaining myself. And then made a big deal about getting rid of past relationships on social media. Saying I don’t care about them romantically I just never deleted someone from social media for any reason. She saw this as me defending them and those doubts never really left.

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Keep talking, but spend more time asking her how she would like to receive comfort from you, and focus more on listening. Sometimes we get too absorbed in our own feelings and expectations that we lose sight of our partner’s needs. I think with a few adjustments to how you approach things you will start to get some headway.

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Hollyj we have been to counseling and it always concluded that we communicate differently. The counselor knows

I’m not abusive and neither is she we just had to learn how to take a breather when the arguing may escalate. We both do that now and have not had the physical issues. We both just want to feel good again as we were before.

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Smackie9 she receives comfort from words. I just have been really bad at that part of it. I’ve gotten better but I’m more of an indirect communicator and she’s VERY direct. I truly love her and am really working to improve my communication with her. But we keep coming back to the old ruts of these past fights.

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Maybe you touch too much. Some people whether male or female don't like being touched too much. Some people prefer that you keep your hands to yourself instead of demonstrating how you feel by touching. Use your words instead and then she might be more receptive to GENTLE touching.

 

Don't be too touchy because you're perceived as using your physical touch, imposing size, and big strong guy image as a form of overpowering control. Many women want to hear tenderness from what you say instead of demonstrating with aggressive touching.

 

Shoving and pinning are real deal breakers. You come across as aggressive and intimidating and no one likes that. You've since developed mistrust issues in her. Stop using your brute, big brawny guy strength to your advantage. You're acting cowardly and scaring her off. You're a big strong guy compared to her who is smaller. Give her space! Don't make her feel as if she wants to escape your grip.

 

Stop fighting. Be selfless, exercise self-control, keep your paws off, use kind words and maybe she'll warm up to you. You really need to back off and use a different, smarter approach. Try to be more verbally kind, nice, gentle, tender, considerate and show respect. Don't be so selfish.

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I think you are not understanding your own situation.

 

My guess is that she loves physical touch as much as you , but when it’s appropriate.

 

It is completely inappropriate to touch another or hug it out when one is trying to verbally discuss a situation. And wanting an adult discussion and response.

 

Every time you attempt to hug her in a discussion is you undermining her thoughts by responding physically.

That would frustrate even a 3 year old child!!

 

You mention that arguments have been based on you keeping exes on social media. Why have you? Do you benefit from it?

Are they more important than your current relationship?? Are they worth arguing over?

 

Most people do delete exes from social media. Not because a partner asks but because there is simply no need to keep them.

If they are as unimportant to you as you tell your gf they are , then why are you keeping them?

 

If you believe your gf is being over the top jealous , then that’s another issue.

But something to discuss , not dismiss by hugging?

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Sooner or later you're going to get arrested. When things "escalate" one day something will happen that you may have not directly intended and someone will get hurt and call the cops. Sooner or later the neighbors or friends and family will call them. You need to end this. It's toxic.

 

Do not restrain or touch people like that. Walk away. You are not having 'communication problems'. You're getting physically violent and escalating the violence by physically restraining. Get a handle on this. It doesn't matter who started it, who's fault, etc. it matters who gets injured when the police show up.

 

You're in an abusive situation. Get therapy for whatever anger issues are there. You know the answer...Walk away.

We’ve been at each other’s throats figuratively and literally. I’ve shoved and pinned her either to try and calm her or out of self defense.
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I’m a touchy person naturally so when I talk I’d try to hold her hand or thouch her shoulder. She didnt see it as comfort so she’d push me away and in my panic I’d try to hug and hold her and tell her to calm down. But the touching always made it worse. I’ve never hit her tried to be aggressive it’s just my comfort when anxiety hits. She would just flip out on me and start being REALLY aggressive and then I felt I had to stop we from

Escalating so I’d try to hold her really tight. Or get on top of her. I know this doesnt work and she does too, but she’s worried that this caused some long lasting damage.

 

I don't think you are abusive or violent or anything like that ....but if you did that to me ^^^^ when I was wound up ,I would put you through the window ..so firstly , be it with her or anyone else you need to stop that ..I promise you , it will get uglier then you could ever imagine if you picked the wrong person ( speaking for future relationships if you decide this one is going nowhere )

 

If you both do want to walk forward together I say stick to the couples counselling ..I would say if you can , to see someone on your own as well ..I understand not everyone has the money to be able to do this , but you need to stop what you are doing , it sounds like you go into a complete panic and lose perspective ..having ones arms/body restricted is going to bring about the fight instinct in the other person , and they will automatically go into protection mode and do what it takes to get you off , that s why I say this could , one day , go horribly wrong . You need some guidance to find other ways , more appropriate in these circumstances . All you can do is try and be the best version of yourself and sometimes we need a bit of help to get there . I don't think you are a bad person though buddy ..I have had a lot of domestic violence in my past and you are not in their league .

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I like touch when I want it not when someone wants to plant it on me . BOUNDARIES! I have PTSD so if someone is going to plant physical touches on me when I don’t want it they might get an azz kicking. Hence I give warnings. It is about communication and boundaries and people respecting boundaries.

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Pinning, shoving and getting on top of someone during arguments is not "liking touch".

 

That sounds like an abuser trying out his story before he tells it in court after getting arrested for domestic violence.

 

You need intensive counseling, not couples therapy for communication issues.

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Pinning, shoving and getting on top of someone during arguments is not "liking touch".

 

That sounds like an abuser trying out his story before he tells it in court after getting arrested for domestic violence.

 

This is how I am reading it, too.

 

OP, at minimum you completely disrespect her boundaries. Continuing to hang on tight to someone who has made it clear that your touch is not welcomed is highly inappropriate. You don't have the right to bulldoze over her boundaries like that just because you need soothing, especially when it comes to another person's body. I would be furious if anyone did that to me.

 

At worse, you have been physically aggressive with her and are now trying to minimize it. You started by using the words "shoving" and "pinning" and now claim it is out of anxiety. How did the shoving come about anyway?

 

I am not sure what the real story is here, but your girlfriend is clearly not okay with any of it. There might be no coming back from it, especially if this has been a frequent point of tension in your relationship.

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She has also called it quits. Please stop trying. Or thinking that there's any shot at reconciling. You're deluding yourself and causing more confusion for yourself. Whatever happened, it's done and finished. You will not get her back and trying to convince her or force her to follow your idea of getting back together is not appropriate.

 

Don't ever force-hug or put your hands on someone while you're having a discussion about something serious or when in a disagreement. It's completely inappropriate. Most people do NOT want to be touched while in disagreement or in a serious discussion. If you have done this in the past to other partners and restrained or physically stopped an argument like that you've conditioned your mind into thinking this is an acceptable response going forward. Unfortunately, it's not. It's very inappropriate.

 

Different people approach touch and comforting touch differently. Being comforting should never be called pinning or shoving. Those are violent words and if it's how she's interpreted your touching, there's something very wrong. The disconnect is very wide there and these are two separate perceptions.

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I’m a touchy person naturally so when I talk I’d try to hold her hand or thouch her shoulder. She didnt see it as comfort so she’d push me away and in my panic I’d try to hug and hold her and tell her to calm down. But the touching always made it worse. I’ve never hit her tried to be aggressive it’s just my comfort when anxiety hits. She would just flip out on me and start being REALLY aggressive and then I felt I had to stop we from escalating so I’d try to hold her really tight. Or get on top of her. I know this doesnt work and she does too, but she’s worried that this caused some long lasting damage.

The fact that you recognize these things and continue to do it is abusive. Seek help immediately because, as another poster noted, jail is in your future.

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