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Thread: What do I do when I like him so much?

  1. #1

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    What do I do when I like him so much?

    Hi My name is Iris.
    I've been with my boyfriend for only a month or so and things have gone well.
    We regularly communicate and see each other as often as 3 times a week, its clear on both ends that we like each other however there are some minor problems that could become major.

    So I went to an event with him and my best friend (he knew she was coming) this was the second time they had met and throughout the day he was very detached and in his own world, I thought maybe he felt left out so I really tried to include him in conversations etc but even so he just seemed so uninterested, I asked several times if he was okay but according to him he was fine.
    When he did speak he’d make everything about himself as he usually does.

    His behavior changed the vibe of everything and he started to act in a way I believe a boyfriend shouldn't for example if i make a negative comment about myself he wouldn't say anything, yet my best friend was able to tell me I looked fine. A bunch of other silly things happened, throughout the day I tried to give him attention and he'd never return as if he didn't want it ( I felt so stupid) then right at the end both him and my best friend were going the same way home and I the opposite way, and my friend asked me how i was getting home and i said “i wasn't sure but ill figure it out after walking them to their bus stop”, but my friend didn't feel comfortable with that so she was helping me look for ways to get home meanwhile my boyfriend just stood their as if he didn't care. My friend spoke up and basically called him out on his behaviour and he made us feel as if we were ganging up on him so I apologised.

    A few days after we spoke and he apologized deeply, he explained himself which was an explanation I kinda understood I guess.
    Yesterday I booked out a studio for him as a surprise (He's a musician) and throughout the day he seemed so unappreciative, I bought all his favorite snacks and made such an effort, I explained all this to him at the end of the day and he said it was because he "didn't expect it" I felt like I had wasted my time and money.
    He apologised his under reaction and told me he really appreciated it.

    But I still can’t help but feel that he doesn’t appreciate me and picks and chooses his moments when he wants to.
    He is such a great person and ticks all my boxes and I know for a fact he likes me but I’m beginning to think we’re not right for each other.
    I was thinking of giving him some space to appreciate me a bit more because talking to him about how I feel goes in one ear and out the other.

    And no matter what I said he finds a way to make it about himself and I’m just sick of it.

    Do I give him space, talk to him or think about ending things (something I really don’t want to have to do.

    P.s I am so sorry this is sooo long and if you read this far I really really appreciate you💛

  2. #2
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    I'm confused about your expectations. Why should he respond when you make a negative comment about yourself? Are you asking him a direct question as in "I feel like I made a mistake when I ____. What do you think?" It's almost like you're testing him to see if he jumps in with "what? but you're not [fat/stupid/off-key!]" As far as what you did for him with the studio that sounds like a lot to do for someone after only dating a month - why did you make such an effort -what were your motives? Sure partly to be a giving person but it seems like overkill. And probably felt over the top to him which can make someone feel uncomfortable.

    If you already find him self-absorbed then that might be a clue that he's not the right person for me. I found the two examples you gave kind of self-absorbed on your part -you talk about yourself and expect a specific response from him and you and you went all out on the studio and the snacks in large part so you would get a certain reaction from him.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Is he always been like this? If he has, by you treating the f' out of him all the time enables his behavior...you are rewarding him even tho that is not your intention. Secondly I need to know what explanation he told you that "made sense" or was acceptable to you. I think he tells you whatever you want to hear to pacify you. And to have your friend step in says a lot. It was something you should have done not her. Girl you are getting walked on, and when you act like a doormat, you get treated like one. He's obviously not man enough to own it and take accountability for how he behaves so yes you would be right by kicking him to the curb.

    Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. He's a bad BF, and he treats you like crap. No one deserves that not even you. He's a narcissist. Look it up.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you're compatible with each other but not to worry... greater divides have been bridged.

    What you're looking for is someone with more social graces. At the same time he thinks you're probably shallow and immature. You shouldn't feel bad for wanting someone more rounded around the edges. In turn, he shouldn't feel like he has to suck up to you every time you need attention.

    If you both want to make it work, be more respectful of each other and do not nitpick small teensy weensy issues. Try not to fester either and talk bad about your relationship with your friends or besties. Be cool, respectful, open, loving and kind to everyone.

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  6. #5
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    Do you make negative comments about yourself, so that people will compliment you? This is manipulative and boring. Stop this! It seems that you do things for people more for you, than them. I don't think it is coming from a good place. Manipulative, again. On the other hand, he does not seem very appreciative. Do you always make such big gestures (studio time) with people you have been dating for such a short time? This is way too much! Do you try to buy love? Do you pay for everything?

    How is the relationship "good" if everything is about him?

    If everything is about him, then why are you dating him? I also think it is not good that he did not show concern that you got home safely. I don't thing you are compatible. You have already talked to him, he is not stupid. If you do not like who he is, then end it!

    How old are you?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-07-2019 at 01:48 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    May I ask how old you both are?

    This is an awfully large amount of strife to be feeling about someone, and inside a relationship, that is only 4 weeks old. In your shoes, I'd kind of just be observing that rather than reacting to it so intensely. At this stage it should kind of just work, or not, rather than be something you're "working on" fixing, either through big gestures or big talks. The goal is simply to see if you two can be yourselves, next to each other, rather than change your self or the other to fit.

    So the person I'd be giving space to right now is yourself—to remember that that this is new, to keep observing as long as you see fit, and make whatever choice feels most honest given your feelings—not just for him, but how you feel next to him.

    I get the sense that you're kind of hyper sensitive to any little shift in him, seeing it as potential verdict on you or his feelings for you. Like the event: he was a little distant, a little detached. Is it possible for you to just kind of let that play out, without all the asking if he's okay? That kind of dynamic can get grating quickly, for all parties involved. "Are you okay?" can start to sound a lot like: "Please make me feel a little more okay." Or even: "Can you please be someone you are not?"

    And if he's a dude who is too distant and too detached too often? Well, again, then you might know he's not the dude for you.

    I also feel like you're kind of creating tests. You make some kind of statement about, I don't know, not feeling pretty, and then you wait for him to, I don't know, say, "No, you're so pretty!" If he does that, great. If he doesn't, no great. That's putting a lot of pressure on a relationship, and a person. Feeling appreciated is vital, of course, but if we're trying to extract that through tests it never feels sincere.

    It was a nice thing you did renting the studio. But if the goal was to "feel appreciated," again, you were kind of doing it as much for you than you were for him. You're risking setting yourself up for disappointment. So, again, I'd kind of look at that whole thing as a moment to check in with yourself, to ask if he's capable of receiving you in a way that works for you. If so, great. If not, time to consider that he is not boyfriend material for you. A bummer to consider, I know, but better to be honest along those lines than go down a road that just leaves you resenting him for being who he is.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    And no matter what I said he finds a way to make it about himself and I’m just sick of it.
    >When he "makes it about himself" is it to tell you how he is feeling?

    >Are you taking HIS feelings into account?

    >What is it he says when he "makes it about himself?"

    >Why did you bring your friend (third wheel) along on your date? Did you ask him to bring a friend of his own as well?

  9. #8
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    You are far too invested him for only having dating him a month. He's your new BF, not your therapist, your father or your transpiration coordinator. If you make negative comments about yourself because you have self esteem issues or are seeking attention / validation that is a reason for him to break up with you not rush in & verbally praise you. You have only known him a month. Why would you interject yourself into his musical job / hobby by booking him a studio? It's too much too soon. You come across as a clingy, needy unattractive person. Stop doing that. Be independent. A mature adult can get herself home without relying on her BF especially if you knew he was going to be taking a bus in the opposite direction when you invited him.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I'll be honest. You sound like a big headache. I can't imagine it being too much longer before you won't even have to worry about being the one to have to make the decision.

    Firstly, granted just based on your post, you don't sound like a "one of the boys" kind of gal. That's fair enough. But I'd only assume you choose friends similar to yourself. Make no mistake, your boyfriend was the third wheel here, not your friend. You and he have been dating all of a month. You've known your friend how long? And you're expecting him to keep conversation fluid when you're with your friend? It's an incredibly odd position to put him in, and I'm not sure who among you thought it was a good idea.

    Second, I actually have done and still do the very same thing when people very obviously blurt out negative things about themselves to solicit positive reinforcement. It's a toxic behavior I don't want any responsibility in helping to facilitate. Handle your own self-esteem.

    Third, any surprise gift that involves someone having to forfeit their time and effort without being consulted all but inherently a terrible "gift." You should never assume any command over someone else's time regardless of how generously you want to dress it up. Now, there are people and couples who enjoy that kind of thing. Not saying they're wrong to. But that's something you make damn sure you establish before you're expecting someone to graciously forfeit a specific afternoon or weekend because you felt like they should.

    Nothing sounds terribly self-absorbed on his part. I think he just looks at you and treats you as a fellow grown adult.

  11. #10
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    I think your gut instinct that he felt out was accurate. Had it been any interest your friend, your gut instinct would have been much different. His self centered topics, and negative reflection on you seems very hurt over how he was hoping the night would go. Standing there while you are trying to figure out how to get home makes me this he's hurt/offended you aren't hanging on him and looking for sex. Hopefully this isn't offended, but it sounds to me you are in your 20's or early 30's where outcome-oriented behavior is prevelant in a man. He want's to get laid. Where to hang out is insignificant, just don't -block him in the process. However, what has me concerned the most is his discomfort in you doing things for him, like the studio. This is going to hurt, I'm so sorry, but you are just someone to date. He just isn't that into you, and you are more into him than he is you. Do as you will, but you need to tell yourself you can do better.

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