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Thread: Feeling confuse about my ex

  1. #1
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    Feeling confuse about my ex

    We date for 5 years, I'm now 28 and his 24. The first few years was amazing, he said how much he loved me and can't see a future without me. He want to grow old with me and spend the rest of our lifes together. However, the last 1.5 years of my relationship wasn't so great, he was flirting with other girls online which I caught and forgave, which happened twice. Then he met this girl through his sister and I can tell he was attracted to her but he told me i was delusional. during that time he also talked about how much he would spend on a wedding, asking for ring size and ask where i would move to if we moved out together. i can feel he wasn't interested in our relationship anymore, I tried so hard to reconnect with him, but not long after he broke up with me saying he doesn't love me anymore and the relationship been crap. Later I found out through a mutual friend he got with that girl a week after we broke up, so he didn't want to be with me anymore cause he wanted to get out there and explore. I kinda understand because we were each other first proper relationship, but how he acted and what he did hurt me a lot.

    Nearly 2yrs later, he contacted me recently and asked for a second chance. He said he was stupid and he took me for granted. He still have a lot of feelings for me and want us to start fresh. i told him i can't trust him and still very mad for all the things he did but i'm willing to start off slow to get to know him again. But he seem to be very rush, he said he don't want to wait and if he feel its right we should start dating and not waste time, so we can move out next year and he was ready to settle down. He said he know i'm the one and he want a future with me. I told him to back down a bit, its too overwhelming at this stage.

    We caught up once and that was nice, we were really happy and he couldn't wait to see me again. But when we tried to organise another catch up, we got into a small argument cause of the different in days that we were available. I got upset and feel like he still the same, doesn't really make an effort to see me, priorities other things before me, and him asking when I'm free was a lot of effort already, he said I was immature when we couldn't agree on a date. I ignored him for 3 days and he didn't bother to msg me either. When I finally msg him cause i was really upset, he said he don't think this will work and we're not compatible. He then said I am still the same and i was being immature and that he doesn't want an immature relationship. He say stuff like I already put a lot of effort in, you have to show some efforts too, it was as much of a second chance for you as it was for me, but you never see it that way. Then he would say hanging out with me is stressful, talking to me is a lot of work and it cause his anxiety to flare up. When i ask about that day we hangout and he was happy, was he stress too and he said to be honest yes I was stress as well. I ask what about what you said about wanting to be with me and can see a future together and all he said was, that was just words. Now he ignored all my msg and said he doesn't want to see me or talk to me ever again.

    I guess what I'm asking is, if he wanted to see me or hangout then why didn't he msg me in those 3 days. Why give up just like that after coming back asking for a second chance. I was expect him to put more efforts and show he actually wanted this. It took a lot out of me when I decided to give him a second chance cause he hurt me a lot back then. I don't get why bother come back and say those stuff if you don't mean what you said. Was it just a game for him?

  2. #2
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    My ex did the same thing. He just wanted to see if he could "get" me back. He didn't do it out of love but out of ego. Once he knew I was willing to go running back he stopped being nice.

    I would not bother anymore with ex boyfriend retreads. There are lots of nice men out there.

  3. #3
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    you are both being immature. "I ignored him and he still didn't message me" - wreaks of immaturity on both sides.
    Let this one go. Neither of you trust each other and neither of you has changed to give any indication it'll be any different if you get together.

    As for him. My assessment of him is that he's one that needs the "excitement" and the "newness" of relationships to excite him and then gets bored with the actual relationship. So he's not one you want to be with anyway. He's already proven all he does is dream and try to make things exciting, and then eventually gets bored to find something new and exciting elsewhere. This would be a pattern forever if you stuck with him. You deserve better.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It doesn't sound like he's thinking straight and I think due to any number of reasons, he's believing that he's entitled to your trust despite the past but you are not ready to let go. If you're still angry about the past you're going to have to work through that and eventually peel back those layers. It's not ideal to let the cause of your frustration and anger back into your life when you have not dealt with those emotions prior. He's a walking reminder of what he did to you last. Unfortunately it takes two genuine people and a meeting of the minds to acknowledge and accept the pain and the loss of trust that the previous events have caused. Whether or not this leads to actually repairing the relationship in its entirety remains to be seen. Loss of trust is difficult to repair and heal from and it takes time and total honesty and supreme patience.

    His approach in dealing with pain and discord may be to avoid the discord altogether and jump straight into recreating new memories but the extent of those new memories carries great risk! Do not move out with him next year. The relationship needs time to repair and both of you should be recreating new memories. If I'm also understanding correctly the issue seems to be whether either of you see the other as someone you can have a future with. There's a lot of added pressure there especially if seeing a future with someone is represented by moving in together. They are not synonymous at all. Do not move in with anyone to prove that you or either of you see a future with each other. Do the hard work first and repair that trust before making any moves.

    Since he has not messaged you back and seems to be hot/cold and impatient with you, I don't sense he's willing to do all that work to repair the trust issues in the relationship. Use this as a lesson learned and take your time to go over what has happened. You should know your limits and there is no pressure for you to do anything you're not comfortable with. If you dislike his approaches and are still hurt and angry, you need to work through that. It will come through in your next relationships with another man if you're not able to work through your distrust in this relationship. I think you should take time to heal and let go of this person in your past. He is a bit too hasty even the second time around.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Its too bad he was able to get through to you and hoover you back in only to do this. Time to block him from all means of contact and from being able to view your social media accounts. You two were not meant to spend the rest of your lives together so go zero contact now so you can get yourself to the stage of indifference to him.

    Hope you feel better soon... and, you will with zero contact which will help you to move on quicker.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't take him back if you know he's fooling around on you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He was never sincerely serious about you nor will he ever. Accept it and don't question it. You can't trust him. Once you've been deceived and betrayed, trust is irrevocably broken.

    He engages in gaslighting. Google that word. It's the oldest trick in the book.

    Dump the bum.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    My ex did the same thing. He just wanted to see if he could "get" me back. He didn't do it out of love but out of ego. Once he knew I was willing to go running back he stopped being nice.

    I would not bother anymore with ex boyfriend retreads. There are lots of nice men out there.
    Thank you for your comment, I've stop talking to him. I just can't believe he would do that

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    He was never sincerely serious about you nor will he ever. Accept it and don't question it. You can't trust him. Once you've been deceived and betrayed, trust is irrevocably broken.

    He engages in gaslighting. Google that word. It's the oldest trick in the book.

    Dump the bum.
    His been avoiding all questions and would just said stuff like it was my fault for playing game. I blocked him now, but I still can't believe after all our history together he would come back and mess with my emotions.
    What you said is so correct. He keep making me doubt myself and questions myself, thinking whether it was my fault in all this that the second chance didn't work out. All he ever said was he didn't run away, he made the decision base on my actions and that we're not compatible and his not happy with me because i haven't change. Thank you
    Last edited by Vinie; 08-25-2019 at 05:37 AM.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It doesn't sound like he's thinking straight and I think due to any number of reasons, he's believing that he's entitled to your trust despite the past but you are not ready to let go. If you're still angry about the past you're going to have to work through that and eventually peel back those layers. It's not ideal to let the cause of your frustration and anger back into your life when you have not dealt with those emotions prior. He's a walking reminder of what he did to you last. Unfortunately it takes two genuine people and a meeting of the minds to acknowledge and accept the pain and the loss of trust that the previous events have caused. Whether or not this leads to actually repairing the relationship in its entirety remains to be seen. Loss of trust is difficult to repair and heal from and it takes time and total honesty and supreme patience.

    His approach in dealing with pain and discord may be to avoid the discord altogether and jump straight into recreating new memories but the extent of those new memories carries great risk! Do not move out with him next year. The relationship needs time to repair and both of you should be recreating new memories. If I'm also understanding correctly the issue seems to be whether either of you see the other as someone you can have a future with. There's a lot of added pressure there especially if seeing a future with someone is represented by moving in together. They are not synonymous at all. Do not move in with anyone to prove that you or either of you see a future with each other. Do the hard work first and repair that trust before making any moves.

    Since he has not messaged you back and seems to be hot/cold and impatient with you, I don't sense he's willing to do all that work to repair the trust issues in the relationship. Use this as a lesson learned and take your time to go over what has happened. You should know your limits and there is no pressure for you to do anything you're not comfortable with. If you dislike his approaches and are still hurt and angry, you need to work through that. It will come through in your next relationships with another man if you're not able to work through your distrust in this relationship. I think you should take time to heal and let go of this person in your past. He is a bit too hasty even the second time around.
    You're right, I am still very hurt from what happened and having him around did reminded me of all the painful times. I don't even know if I can ever trust him again, probably not since he decided to run away again this time. He just wanted to go back to when we were dating even though I told him that it is not possible after everything that happened. He didn't seem to understand the depth of my pain and that he was the one that caused it. When I forgave him the first time for flirting with other girls on snapchat, we had a fight because he doesn't believe flirting by text is consider cheating. I think is this why he didn't understand why I was so hurt by it. I've learnt my lesson though, won't ever trust his words or give him another chance. Thank you

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