I don't think I'm in love with my boyfriend...moving into a new home this wknd

Well as the title says, I really don't think I'm in love with my boyfriend anymore. We've been together for 4 years, he's a great guy but I just don't think it's going to work. We've talked about getting married but now I can't imagine marrying him. It seems my feelings for him have dwindled very quickly (in the last month or so). About 5 weeks ago we found out we had to move from our current house and find something pretty quickly, so we did. We found a perfect house for less money than we're paying now, and it has an ocean view. It's perfect.

But I don't think I want to live with him anymore (we've lived together just over two years). When we've gone to do the "walk through" and see the house lately I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of living there with him. I'm finding I'm wanting to spend less and less time with him when we're home. I spend more time alone in our bedroom (when I'm not packing) reading or just being by myself. When I hear him come upstairs to go to bed, I cringe. I literally can't remember the last time we were intimate.

The biggest problem and the reason I feel so stuck is that I don't make enough to live on my own. About 3 months ago I signed the papers to stop spousal support from my ex-husband, it was a decent amount of money. With my spousal support and the money I make in my career, I would have been able to pay for a small place for myself and live frugally. Now, I won't be able to even get a studio in the city I live in with the amount I make. I've thought about a second job but it's not possible, I already work long hours in the legal field.

So we're moving ahead as planned and moving into the new house this weekend. My friends say I need to suck it up, move into the new house and save as much money as I can while looking for a place of my own. I know I can get a roommate but I feel like I'm "aged out" of that situation. Everything I've seen online says they're looking for someone in their 30's (I'm in my late 40's).

I feel sad, stuck and so confused. I just don't know what to do.

The biggest problem and the reason I feel so stuck is that I don't make enough to live on my own. About 3 months ago I signed the papers to stop spousal support from my ex-husband, it was a decent amount of money. With my spousal support and the money I make in my career, I would have been able to pay for a small place for myself and live frugally. Now, I won't be able to even get a studio in the city I live in with the amount I make. I've thought about a second job but it's not possible, I already work long hours in the legal field.

Is it that you truly can't find another place to live or you can't find another place to live that compares with what you currently have? You might have to look in some lower end neighborhoods. Sometimes we have to check ourselves and live within our own means. Either way...do not move with this guy if you are not in love with him. Save yourself--and him--the heartache of faking it.

Is it that you truly can't find another place to live or you can't find another place to live that compares with what you currently have? You might have to look in some lower end neighborhoods. Sometimes we have to check ourselves and live within our own means. Either way...do not move with this guy if you are not in love with him. Save yourself--and him--the heartache of faking it.

No, I unfortunately was born and raised in one of the most expensive Cities in the US. The whole area is very, very expensive. A lot of people have 2 jobs to just make ends meet, which is what I may have to do. It's just very expensive to live here. I could move out of state but I don't want to leave my son (19)

If you have no other option right now other than moving in with him, certainly you should have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. Make him understand that you're just going to be roommates. Would he agree to that?

If you have no other option right now other than moving in with him, certainly you should have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. Make him understand that you're just going to be roommates. Would he agree to that?

Yes, this could be an option. We got into a pretty heated argument after the walk through. I had sent him a text earlier in the day asking if he was still open to therapy, he told me it was a $hity thing to text him. I told him that I wasn't happy and that I wasn't sure about our future together, he asked if I planned on moving into the new house and I said "I don't know", he said "well I am, let me know when you decide". So I think this can be a roommate situation until I can find something.

I know I can get a roommate but I feel like I'm "aged out" of that situation. Everything I've seen online says they're looking for someone in their 30's (I'm in my late 40's).

You might need to rethink this view. There are a lot of opportunities to rent a room. Seeing that you said you work long hours, exactly what are your needs, at least for the time being?

A friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her kids were of age and she no longer received support from the dad. She no longer needed the house for the three of them, so during a time of transition she rented a room for about a year. She had kitchen and laundry privileges and between work and going to school on line, having a room of her own made sense in a lot of different ways. She was even able to bring her cat with her.

I would think people who have a room to rent would prefer a mature person.

You might need to rethink this view. There are a lot of opportunities to rent a room. Seeing that you said you work long hours, exactly what are your needs, at least for the time being?

 

A friend of mine was in a similar situation. Her kids were of age and she no longer received support from the dad. She no longer needed the house for the three of them, so during a time of transition she rented a room for about a year. She had kitchen and laundry privileges and between work and going to school on line, having a room of her own made sense in a lot of different ways. She was even able to bring her cat with her.

 

I would think people who have a room to rent would prefer a mature person.

Thank you for this. There's an area that I live that have large properties and have guest rooms and guest homes. I can look at this option. Thank you!

Are you renting or is he buying it? What have you worked out financially with regard to shared bills, rent, food, etc? Does he need your co-signature to obtain it? Yes, you had better decide what to do because you may be homeless, since you claim you can't rent alone and at 40+ don't want roommates.

It's time to think practically and stop playing text games about 'being unhappy' or "not sure", etc, unless you're in a financial position to call all the shots.

He can easily get a roommate that Is Not You or your "unhappiness" with or indecision about him. It sounds like a headache he doesn't need. Keep in mind, he is not a homeless shelter and owes you nothing.

he asked if I planned on moving into the new house and I said "I don't know", he said "well I am, let me know when you decide".

Are you renting or is he buying it? What have you worked out financially with regard to shared bills, rent, food, etc? Does he need your co-signature to obtain it? Yes, you had better decide what to do because you may be homeless, since you claim you can't rent alone and at 40+ don't want roommates.

 

It's time to think practically and stop playing text games about 'being unhappy' or "not sure", etc, unless you're in a financial position to call all the shots.

 

He can easily get a roommate that Is Not You or your "unhappiness" with or indecision about him. It sounds like a headache he doesn't need. Keep in mind, he is not a homeless shelter and owes you nothing.

We're renting for now. Our plan was to rent for the next couple of years, get a couple of financial things in order and then purchase a home. He has several tax issues that we're paying on and he has about $75K in attorney fees. He sued someone and ultimately lost that case, so that's basically $75K of our shared money out the window.

I wasn't playing texting "games" but I can see where you'd think that. We had a discussion about 3 days prior to my text discussing the possibility of therapy. The afternoon I sent that text was because we weren't talking, we were texting, I know...not the most mature thing but it seemed when we talked in person it ultimately ended up in an argument so texting was the only way we could communicate for a couple of days.

Are you married? Did you lend him the money? You are not responsible for his debt. How is his credit? Does he need your credit history to rent? Bottom line is you're unhappy or stressed and this sudden move doesn't seem to be helping .

He has several tax issues that we're paying on and he has about $75K in attorney fees. He sued someone and ultimately lost that case, so that's basically $75K of our shared money out the window.

Your view of reality may be a little skewed because of the spousal support prior. You may not be able to live in your current city. Is there anything in particular wrong with that? Is commuting an issue? I'm asking for tangible reasons for why living outside your current city is a problem or why it's not a viable option for you.

There was also no real tangible reason for the breakdown of the relationship. Is it really irreconcilable or are you just not feeling it lately? How did a four year relationship dwindle so drastically to this in one month?

These may seem like tough or invasive questions but I'm asking genuinely because I can't seem to figure out what your real problem is. I'd go back to the drawing board and figure out what means most to you: is it your freedom (away from a relationship), is it money (perhaps you should be negotiating a raise etc), is it the ocean view you want but dislike the man? Try and be a bit more flexible. To do that try understanding more about what matters most to you.

I don't think it's fair to prolong a break up or live as roommates. It may be doable for a month or two but I wouldn't look at this as a long term savings plan/solution. You'll be undercutting yourself and stalling your healing and growth as an individual and also inhibiting your growth meeting new people respectfully in your own space. Living with an ex for a long period will stunt your growth as an individual. I hope you come to some short term solutions soon and go from there. Be real with yourself about what you want.

Do the right thing. It's hard to do the right thing sometimes. And inconvenient. And in the long run you'll save on therapy later when your mistreatment of people comes back in some form to bite you. Time to find a room to rent you can afford, the end. I lost lots of money on a cancelled wedding because I realized too late I was panicking and unhappy. And we'd moved in together two weeks earlier. So much to undo and awful in many ways. And it led to my happily ever after. Actually, with my ex, just 8 years later -but that's another story. Had I married him then or postponed the wedding and stayed unhappily with him we never ever would have given things another shot 8 years later and I would have had even worse consequences.

Do the right thing.

I also live in one of the most expensive areas of the country, Southern California.

I am currently living in a one bedroom by the bay for $1800 per month, but I just found a really pretty one room studio (fully furnished with a kitchenette) for $900.00 per month. It even has a small view of the courtyard!

Check craigslist in your area for “rooms to rent.” There are tons of listings!

Also, if I am not imposing too much, why did you sign papers stopping spousal support?

OP I feel you, we have similar issue in the city I live in... I live an hour outside Vancouver and the rents are ridiculous. Sometimes it feels like a grind just keeping my head above water.

That being said... from one woman in her 40’s to another... the way I feel about having my own space and not being in a relationship where I felt miserable has made every cent I spent on this place worth it for me.

Even if you just have a room for now, or have to commute, that space will be yours and you will have the freedom to focus on yourself.

Under review...