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Thread: Not sure how to convince a buddy of mine to walk away

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I agree with the others.

    This girl is not a bad personality at all. She likely does appreciate his friendship and yes at times let that friendship boundary down , however it wasn’t some selfish tactic on her part. Yes she kissed him but then was very honest about not having further feelings for him and stopped it almost as soon as it started.

    Did she overstep the mark or did he?
    Did she selfishly take his attention or did he act on her vulnerability after a recent break up?

    Can you really blame her for thinking that he was a platonic friend when he pretended to be for a year and a half while she was with another? And can you blame her for not knowing he was “heartbroken”?

    She likely is a great girl, he knows that and that’s why he is interested in her.
    Unfortunately she doesn’t have the same level of interest back.
    But you telling him she’s a bad person , no respect for him etc etc is only going to make matters worse. Because that’s not exactly the truth and he knows it.

    This is his issue not hers.
    He clearly is unable to be friends with her , he needs to remove himself from her and I would encourage him to do that but not because she is a bad person but because he is unable to himself come to terms with the fact that she is not attracted to him only.

    Yes therapy would help him greatly.
    He can amicably break up with her friendship wise.
    She will understand.

    She kissed him multiple times, knowing the way he'd felt for a long time, and completely led him on. She then was honest, but within the space of a week decided to (behind his back) start sleeping with his flatmate and best friend, despite knowing the hurt and pain that would cause. I don't get how anyone can say that this is something that a good friend or person would do, I can say quite firmly that it isn't something I would ever dream of doing to any friend of mine.

    She overstepped the back, she is the one who made the first move and gave him hope. She hadn't recently broken up either, it was a long while ago so he didn't pounce on her or anything. From what he's said to me he had actually shelved those feelings and was happy to be friends, but she brought it all back by making a move on him, continuing to come and see him (as if it was a relationship) then sharply breaking it off and immediately going for the one person who would hurt him most.


    It's all opinions, but imo she's simply not a good friend or influence on his life at all. He has a lot of issues of his own and his obsession is unhealthy (it's not all her fault, basically) but she's fuelled the fire pretty callously I think and both I and other friends in the past have observed in the past that she walks all over him/seems to enjoy the fact that he likes hers. My personal view is that she wanted a distraction for a while so used him, and dropped him without a second thought when someone she preferred came about. Are those the actions of a good friend?

  2. #12
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    She can’t walk all over him if he is as he says a friend and happy to be.

    Yes she can walk all over him if he pretends to be happy with friendship yet allowing her to do relationship like activities? Such as one on one meets, having her come visit him etc. He had control of that? He chose to pretend to be a friend while he never actually saw her in that light.

    “From what he's said to me he had actually shelved those feelings and was happy to be friends”

    Shelves says it all!
    Put them aside until later basically!

    He has known for years she is not interested in having a relationship with him. So why did he allow her to kiss him?

    I’m sorry but why are you not getting the fact that he is largely responsible for this?
    And why are you making out that he is some sort of victim? He isn’t!
    And when someone said you are enabling him not to seek therapy , they were correct.

    Are you a good friend ?
    Because right now you are not helping him. The only way you can is to stop berating her and focusing on her ( geez it’s all he seems to have done for years and look where it’s got him) but instead turn the focus on him and why he has and still is pinning his hopes on someone who has basically given him little to none?!

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    She can’t walk all over him if he is as he says a friend and happy to be.

    Yes she can walk all over him if he pretends to be happy with friendship yet allowing her to do relationship like activities? Such as one on one meets, having her come visit him etc. He had control of that? He chose to pretend to be a friend while he never actually saw her in that light.

    “From what he's said to me he had actually shelved those feelings and was happy to be friends”

    Shelves says it all!
    Put them aside until later basically!

    He has known for years she is not interested in having a relationship with him. So why did he allow her to kiss him?

    I’m sorry but why are you not getting the fact that he is largely responsible for this?
    And why are you making out that he is some sort of victim? He isn’t!
    And when someone said you are enabling him not to seek therapy , they were correct.

    Are you a good friend ?
    Because right now you are not helping him. The only way you can is to stop berating her and focusing on her ( geez it’s all he seems to have done for years and look where it’s got him) but instead turn the focus on him and why he has and still is pinning his hopes on someone who has basically given him little to none?!

    He did see her as a friend for years, and then she made a move out of the blue on him and feelings came back, which is natural. She started the push towards a relationship like circumstance and encouraged that, so his old feelings started to resurface for her. She did so despite knowing that she wasn't at all actually interested in him, and was just using him as an ego boost/distraction, which I'm sorry you don't do to your friends if you actually care about them. I'd never use a close friend I knew had other feelings for me (this has been the case before) in that way and would be very clear to set boundaries rather than leading said friend on.

    Why did he allow her to kiss him? Because she's an attractive girl and he thought she genuinely liked him in that moment. She wasn't interested before but she made the move that suggested that had changed. He's responsible to a certain extent of course, he allowed himself to get infatuated with her and it's unhealthy, but she (as a close friend) should have been responsible enough to not do something she knew would hurt him.

    I've told him he needs to focus a lot on himself and not her, but my point is that she's not a good person to have in his life right now. He needs to move away from her completely, this girl has been a bad friend in the past to others and in general seems to be a very selfishly motivated person. That doesn't mean that he's not responsible for his own actions, but having her around doesn't help him at all.

    All I've said to him about her is that she isn't a real friend (which is my honest opinion based on what she did and the way she went about it) and he should move on, maybe in a few years he can pick up the friendship again.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I'm sure you can understand how he feels, having been in a situation where you held onto hope for a long time despite knowing it was futile.

    Can you give him some empathy? Maybe tell him you understand, you can relate, and that eventually you realized letting go was the best thing for you? He might see things differently if he feels like you've been through it too and came out the other side doing better.

    Yeah I've talked about my own relationship and how dropping contact entirely was hard at first but really helped months down the line to move past it. He seems to have taken that on board.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by maew
    It’s pretty great that he has a friend that cares so much about his wellbeing, however I agree with others that you need to let go of control and let this run its course. Of course if his behaviour really starts to worry you (he gets suicidal or turns to substances) then by all means seek help for him but at the end of the day he has to want the help or nothing will change.

    In the meantime he is just broken hearted by a crush and while it’s incredibly painful we’ve all been there and come out the other side... have some faith that he will too.

    It's a bit more than just being broken hearted by a crush to be fair to him.

    She's gone from being with him one week, to telling him she has no interest (which he accepted) and then a week later he finds out she's been sleeping with his best friend and flatmate behind his back.

    So he's feeling betrayed by his friend who knew how he felt but got with her anyway, on top of all the feelings he had for the girl being crushed, and their own friendship being seriously compromised.

    It's not an easy situation, and one personally that I know I would find very hard to deal with and would have a lot of anger about. Two of his best friends have basically gone behind his back and I understand why he would be feeling very isolated and betrayed about it.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    This is an important point. This woman is...just a person. Not a sorceress who cast a spell on your friend. Her sins, in the scheme of things—well, they are not even sins. She kissed him and then told him she wasn't on the page for more kissing, for that dynamic, those feelings. That is the opposite of leading someone on; it's being an adult. She ended up dating his flat-mate. Awkward, but happens. More adult stuff. Life.

    None of this would be nearly so dramatic and traumatic if your friend was healthier, mentally. You know this, so make that the point of your concern, not building this woman up into a she-devil with the same fervor he builds her up into a goddess. That's basically you catching a contact high of his sickness, the very thing you're concerned about.

    Your friend needs help that you can't provide, and sometimes the friendliest thing we can do to friends is to tell them that, clearly. "I am here, I love you, but I am worried about you and I think therapy would really help you understand these feelings..." And so on.

    Because the woman is not the issue, at all, but a symptom of an issue. Were he this lost after breaking up with someone he'd been with for a decade, it would be troublesome, you know?

    I don't think she's a sorceress or evil, I just don't think she's a very good friend to him. From my perspective she acted very much in her own self interest despite knowing the damage it might cause. She kissed him multiple times, slept with him .. and then a week later jumped in to bed with his best friend and flatmate. That's made things very awkward with his own living situation and been a big disruption to his life, now obviously they're adults and she can make whatever choice she wants, but imo a decent person thinks less selfishly, I wouldn't want a friend who thought so little of how it might impact my feelings/life.

    I haven't built her up as a she devil, just said that I don't think she's a good influence and someone she needs to walk away from. I've definitely stressed he needs to deal with a lot of his own issues first (and that's the important thing) but I don't think he can properly do so if she is still a big figure in his life. Again, if he wants to pick up the friendship years down the line that's fine, but not while he still has feelings like this. The woman isn't the issue, but she's not helping the situation at all (she's doing nothing as a friend now to try and help him) so personally I feel like advising him to drop contact with her is fair enough?

    I don't know, maybe I am being too harsh on her because I'm his friend and biased towards the way he's been treated. But having personally been in situations before when I've known a friend of mine has had feelings for me, I would never act on that unless I felt a similar way, certainly would never use them just for an ego boost/bit of fun because I value them as a friend. She led him on for a little while and then dropped him really quickly for someone else very important in his life and I can understand why that would really hurt him, and again for me that's not the behaviour of a friend.

  8. #17
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    Ok well think about it this way?
    Who is more important to him , her or his mate who slept with her and why?
    They both did wrong by him in both yours and his opinion. So why has he cut off the guy and not her?

    Ask him that?

    Your friend slept with her because he could! And wanted to despite knowing she wasn’t interested in him.
    His flat mate did the same. His flat mate probably has inadvertently done him a huge favour! Making him wake up to himself!

    You need to stop being angry at her and be angry at your mate !
    He is down in the dumps because he is feeling like a victim when he clearly placed himself there.
    And you are repeatedly saying yes he is a victim! And thereby not helping!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    Ok well think about it this way?
    Who is more important to him , her or his mate who slept with her and why?
    They both did wrong by him in both yours and his opinion. So why has he cut off the guy and not her?

    Ask him that?

    Your friend slept with her because he could! And wanted to despite knowing she wasn’t interested in him.
    His flat mate did the same. His flat mate probably has inadvertently done him a huge favour! Making him wake up to himself!

    You need to stop being angry at her and be angry at your mate !
    He is down in the dumps because he is feeling like a victim when he clearly placed himself there.
    And you are repeatedly saying yes he is a victim! And thereby not helping!



    The girl, because he's known her for much longer. His mate he's been friends with for over a year or so, they're really close but this girl has been really important in his life for many years.

    He's cut off him and not her because he has a blind spot for her and because she means more to him than his other friend does.

    He slept with her because he thought she had feelings for him. She kissed him multiple times, acted super excited to come down to see him, slept with him etc .. how was he meant to know she wasn't interested? In his mind they had broken that friend barrier, she was the one who initiated so he obviously thought she'd developed feelings for him.

    I'm not really angry at her, I just don't think she's acted like a very good friend and I don't believe she's a good person to be in his life, that is all. I think he is a victim in that his friends have gone behind his back in this way, I personally would feel bad about it and I think so would most people.

    But anyway, I think I've put my point across in terms of how I feel about her as a friend, that's not really going to change. My own moral code/the way I see things won't change, for me that isn't something a friend would do to you.

    The important thing is how he gets help going forward, he's gone home now and I've talked to him about maybe talking to someone about life and joining some online dating sites/basically just getting out there and expanding his life, because this girl was the centre of it for too long. He needs to move away from that.

  10. #19
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    He “thought she had feelings for him”
    Why? Because she slept with him?
    Why did he sleep with her before confirming his “thoughts”?

    Why are you not angry at your friend for “thinking” before acting?

    And now you are encouraging him to use others via online dating to get over him feeling used???
    How is that ok???

    The absolute best thing you can do for him right now is to stop being so biased and over invested. Sorry!

  11. #20
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    So I've basically told him he needs to cut contact with this girl completely,
    This doesn't work, and like most of us, you'll learn that the hard way. I'd tell friend that I love him and I'm willing to be here for him any time he wants a distraction from his problems rather than to embed himself in them. The two of us can do stuff or talk about anything in the world--except for this woman. Unless he has a specific assignment for me to help him move beyond her, I want us to enjoy our time together, and I don't want to discuss her anymore.

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