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Thread: OLD & LDR - help me!

  1. #31
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    FD, I have a question for ya that may require some introspection and emotional honesty on your part, but do you think it's possible you're not (or rarely, never?) attracted or interested in local men precisely because they're local?

    Reason I ask is I found your comment about valuing emotional closeness over physical closeness (cuddling for example) quite telling.

    In a very long distance relationship, one can almost guarantee there won't be any or very little physical closeness, nor would there be the obligations or dare I say pressure to deliver that a local relationship would require. Including a physical relationship.

    Perhaps this suits you better? That way you can devote all your energy to the emotional, which in your case, having never met, is built more on a fantasy than reality.

    This is what draws you and Mr. Different Country together, like attracts like after all.

    Another question, have you ever had a long term committed relationship with a local man? If so, how did you feel while in that relationship? Did you feel stifled, boxed in so to speak? How did it end?

    Ideally, in a good healthy relationship both the emotional closeness and physical closeness are there working in conjunction with each other which builds true intimacy between a couple (emotional, physical, sexual). A couple values both equally.

    Imo you can't build intimacy with someone who lives thousands of miles away in a different country whom you will never or very rarely be able to see and spend time w in person.

    People w intimacy and commitment issues often prefer that physical distance, safety behind the screen as you said.

  2. #32
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    If you're not meeting local men who interest you, you probably need to expand the activities you do so you can meet them. Ideas? A book discussion group. Volunteer at a local museum or zoo. Take dance lessons. On meet up.com, there are activity groups who meet--some specifically for singles in particular age groups, and some that are open to everyone.

    Try watching 90 Day Fiance to become aware of the struggles people face when uprooted from their homes for a relationship. The fun excitement of matching with an exotic foreigner only lasts until the hard reality hits. Relationships are difficult enough to navigate without throwing in the major hurdles of a LDR.

  3. #33
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    Thanks Annia,

    I agree with the second bit especially

  4. #34
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    I would not invest this much time in meeting a stranger where a plane flight is required especially if you're already annoyed about the reliability. And I was in an LDR with my husband for 2-3 years while we were dating -and even sort of when we were first married! And the only reason I was open to it was because (1) we'd dated in the past and knew each other really well; (2) he was really good at keeping in touch; (3) we both wanted marriage; (4) we could fly to see each other about every 11 days; and (5) I was prepared to relocate if we married (and I did relocate). Lots of conditions because relationships are hard enough without the distance factor.

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  6. #35
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    Thanks Katrina,

    I have certainly reflected on your question.

    I think it might be a little out of context. When I said my comment about valuing emotional closeness over physical closeness (cuddling for example), I was meaning initially in a relationship. I would also add that spiritually is a very big part of what I am looking for.

    Another piece of the equation is that because of my beliefs things like sex arenít happening until marriage anyways. A lot of people I do life with have their first kiss on their wedding day.

    For this reason an in person relationship would also be far less physical than most.

    I hope that helps!

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I would not invest this much time in meeting a stranger where a plane flight is required especially if you're already annoyed about the reliability. And I was in an LDR with my husband for 2-3 years while we were dating -and even sort of when we were first married! And the only reason I was open to it was because (1) we'd dated in the past and knew each other really well; (2) he was really good at keeping in touch; (3) we both wanted marriage; (4) we could fly to see each other about every 11 days; and (5) I was prepared to relocate if we married (and I did relocate). Lots of conditions because relationships are hard enough without the distance factor.

    Thanks,

    How much did that kind of travel cost you?

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by FirstDates
    Thanks Katrina,

    I have certainly reflected on your question.

    I think it might be a little out of context. When I said my comment about valuing emotional closeness over physical closeness (cuddling for example), I was meaning initially in a relationship. I would also add that spiritually is a very big part of what I am looking for.

    Another piece of the equation is that because of my beliefs things like sex arenít happening until marriage anyways. A lot of people I do life with have their first kiss on their wedding day.

    For this reason an in person relationship would also be far less physical than most.

    I hope that helps!
    Well no I think with all respect you're not getting the importance of physical closeness. Sex and cuddling is a small part of it. It's because you need to get to know the person in person to be emotionally close in a romantic relationship. In a relationship where you're going to eventually share physical space whether on a date or living together or on vacation. I have very close friends I have never met. Romantic relationships are different. They have to have a significant in person component. Yes, kissing and touching is part of it -for sure! But it's because romantic partners are not in a romantic relationship if they do not spend time together in person. That might be a chat buddy who you sext with, etc but it's not a romantic partner. If you want to have a romantic partner you have to develop emotional closeness while in person - you also get close while not in person but it has to be both IMO.

    Example. I need -I mean desperately need! - my space for a certain time in the morning - a weekday morning when I've been up for 2 hours prepping for the school bus, taking my child to the bus stop then no matter how i feel doing my daily work out - and after that it is nirvana, heavenly -to have my quiet time to brew my coffee and finally eat my breakfast in peace. Sounds small but it's huge to me.

    99.9% of the time my husband is still sleeping. Today he had to get up to make his flight. I didn't know in advance. And I didn't want to be harsh with him or even blunt but inside I was like "please please I need my space right now!" (not because it's him - from anyone in the universe). I said as neutrally as possible that I was surprised to see him up this early.

    And he sensed it - he changed his schedule so that I would have my time to make my coffee and have the small kitchen to myself -and he was quiet while getting ready and gave me my space. My heart overflows from stuff like this. And guess what - if we weren't physically close he would never know this, he would never get this, he would never know how to show his love and care and respect of me at this time of day. That's what emotional closeness is and that is one example of SO MANY as to why you should never ever dismiss the importance of physical closeness. One of many.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by FirstDates
    Thanks Katrina,

    I have certainly reflected on your question.

    I think it might be a little out of context. When I said my comment about valuing emotional closeness over physical closeness (cuddling for example), I was meaning initially in a relationship. I would also add that spiritually is a very big part of what I am looking for.

    Another piece of the equation is that because of my beliefs things like sex arenít happening until marriage anyways. A lot of people I do life with have their first kiss on their wedding day.

    For this reason an in person relationship would also be far less physical than most.

    I hope that helps!
    Actually it didn't. And I don't think you truly understood the context of my post or what I was asking, which is okay, it's often difficult to express oneself on a forum like this; words can be quite ambiguous.

    Anyway, in my opinion, choosing to engage in an on line interaction like this, what you're actually valuing is fantasy versus reality. As having never met in person, that's what this is -- a fantasy.

    How could it be anything else? You've never met, you've never experienced "reality" together, just an on line interaction wherein you share certain aspects of yourselves, hide certain aspects of yourselves, and spend the rest of the time filling in the blanks with your own idealized versions of each other.

    I'm not judging (although it may seem that way), I've done it myself and actually learned a lot from it, about myself, relationships, and what true intimacy entails. Emotional, physical, and spiritual.

    I omitted sexual, as after thinking more about it, depending on one's beliefs, like yours, the sex actually isn't necessary as long as all the other components are there.

    But cuddling together, being close, sharing time and space, that's all part of it.

    In fact I often feel more emotionally and spiritually close to my boyfriend when lying together, let's say at the park under a tree, or at the ocean watching the sunset or sunrise, not saying a word, but simply "being" close, enjoying nature and each other. It's quite intimate.

    Anyway, not judging to each his own. If this works for you, who am I too judge. It's your life.

    Good luck.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 05-16-2019 at 01:05 PM.

  10. #39
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    "I'm not judging (although it may seem that way), I've done it myself and actually learned a lot from it, about myself, relationships, and what true intimacy entails. Emotional, physical, and spiritual.

    I omitted sexual, as after thinking more about it, depending on one's beliefs, like yours, the sex actually isn't necessary as long as all the other components are there.

    But cuddling together, being close, sharing time and space, that's all part of it.

    In fact I often feel more emotionally and spiritually close to my boyfriend when lying together, let's say at the park under a tree, or at the ocean watching the sunset or sunrise, not saying a word, but simply "being" close, enjoying nature and each other. It's quite intimate."


    I know of several people who waited for marriage. I was planning on it in my teens and 20s. And what is still essential is in-person chemistry and the desire to be sexual whether you are sexual or not.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by FirstDates
    Thanks Katrina,

    I have certainly reflected on your question.

    I think it might be a little out of context. When I said my comment about valuing emotional closeness over physical closeness (cuddling for example), I was meaning initially in a relationship. I would also add that spiritually is a very big part of what I am looking for.

    Another piece of the equation is that because of my beliefs things like sex arenít happening until marriage anyways. A lot of people I do life with have their first kiss on their wedding day.

    For this reason an in person relationship would also be far less physical than most.

    I hope that helps!
    Here's another take. I do not know anyone who has had their first kiss on their wedding day. I do know plenty of people who have not had sex until their wedding day. I will say if you choose either route, proximity is important - to know how they treat their family, to observe what kind of person they are. They can give all the money and time in the world to a charitable cause and adopt 15 orphans, but if they talk to their mom and sisters in a ty way, and the waitress in a ty way, it doesn't matter. You have no idea what a guy in another country is actually like.

    I agree that expanding your geographic area is a good thing to find more men who are waiting, to, or are newly waiting - but expanding georgraphy is meeting men who live within an hour from you or if you are off the beaten path maybe 3 hours - not around the world.

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